Ask Log

And now we come once again to that portion of the program we call Ask Log. Yes you heard right, Ask Log. Here you can find the answers to all of your turd-related questions. No question is too silly for Log. Log knows all and tells all, unlike a lot of religions where they give you lame answers like “You’re not supposed to know.” Our first question is from Andy J, who writes in and asks:

Dear Log,

Do you think certain religions fail because they have a poo id?


Log’s Reply:

Dear Andy J,

I AM LOG!!! How nice to hear from you again. Since the dawn of Man religions have come and gone. Many religions simply fail because they aren’t any fun. But your question deals with whether or not certain religions fail because they have a poo id. The answer quite simply is yes, but simple answers are not very entertaining, so I’ll elaborate.

As you well know the id is one of the three divisions of the psyche which is completely unconscious and is the source of psychic energy derived from instinctual needs and drives. This really screws with religions where you’re not allowed to have instinctual needs and drives like having to take a dump because they believe that God will provide for them. What they don’t seem to understand is that God has provided everybody with an anal orifice to deal with that very problem. Instead, they refuse to believe that God would have anything to do with poo-related matters, and they declare that Satan must have made them take a dump. This is also why some religions believe that Hell is located deep in the bowels of the Earth.

Then there are those religions that insist that only God can provide you with needs and drives and that instinct has nothing to do with it. But I can assure you that, with or without God, instinct will drive a turd right out through your sphincter with plenty of psychic, as well as, flatulent energy.

And so you see how certain religions are unable to accept the concept that if we were created in God’s image, then God must also have a bunghole and have to take regular daily dumps just as he designed every living thing with those very same outlets and scheduled agendas from the largest whales and elephants right down to smallest spore of yeast which eats sugar and craps out alcohol, as well as the plants and trees which eat up sunlight and carbon dioxide and crap out oxygen for us to breathe so that we can continue our bodily functions till the day we die.

Needless to say, and I really don’t need to say it, any religion that doesn’t accept these simple truths of nature are destined to fail.

I AM LOG!!! Thank you for your question.

PS. Since you’re British I have a question for you: Since Elton John was Knighted his name is now Sir Elton John, and since the spouse of a Knight is referred to as a Lady, and since Sir Elton John has married a man, would his male spouse still be referred to as a Lady?

Hey Grandpa Tracy, What's For Supper?

Well now we come to that portion of the program where we stole an idea from Grandpa Jones on Hee Haw. He won’t mind because we have the same birthday. And so, the question is:

Hey Grandpa Tracy, what’s for supper?

A Seizure Salad that will leave you twitchin’
I made it fresh so quit your bitchin’
Sliced mad cow on a Kaiser Roll
And SOS in a toilet bowl.

RFU 6-06

RFU 6-06 Copyright 7/06 by McCall/Zimmon/Gallagher/Sears



Disclaimer: The following program contains material that is guaranteed to offend somebody somewhere. Reader discretion is advised.

Theme Music: They’re not in tune with nature
They’re not in tune with Zen
We thought they finally went away
But now they’re back again
So now for all you folks out there
Who do not have a clue
Here now is Piston McCauffey
The host of RFU…

Piston: Radio Free Urine is on the air! Hello to all you folks out there in radio land, this is your old friend, Piston McCauffey, coming to you from the big building with the statue of naked people out front. Well the big story this week has been the courtroom drama over the lawsuit filed by The Paulie Family against Rolling Stones’ guitarist Keith Richards.

As you all know by now Paulie Family Attorney at Log, Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall, filed the suit claiming that Keith Richards had stolen Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon’s act by falling out of a palm tree, winding up in the hospital, and having a hole drilled in his head.

In an unexpected turn of events Judge Yul B. Hung threw the lawsuit out of court declaring it to be frivolous and silly. Judge Hung then declared Tracy to be in contempt of court when he repeatedly tried to object to dismissal of the lawsuit by shouting “Oh yeah? Well sez you!”

After being held for 12 consecutive days the judge evicted Tracy from the courthouse jail for staging a toilet strike. During the 12-day toilet strike Tracy refused to use the cell toilet, and instead simply crapped and whizzed through the bars much to the dismay of the guards who were ordered to keep an eye on him.

Once again free from captivity Tracy quickly got back with the rest of the band and headed straight for the recording studio to work on their newest song, speaking of which, let’s take a look at this week’s Top 10 Pillboard Chart:

1. I Didn’t Vomit In Your Rose Garden by The Paulie Family
2. Sodomy Time Blues by Blue Queer
3. We Stink by INSTYNC
4. Log ‘N Hole Fantasy by Bad Dumpany
5. Stools Out by Alice Pooper
6. Magical Mystery Sewer by The Dung Beetles
7. Hello, I’ll Charge You by The Whores
8. She’s A Bowel Mover by The Sir Dog Ass Quintet
9. Beat It by Michael Jacksoff
10. Dumper by Turd Eye Blind

And that’s right folks, The Paulie Family is back with another #1 song, and let’s listen to it now…

Music: I Didn't Vomit In Your Rose Garden (Sung to the tune of Rose Garden by Lynn Anderson)

I beg your pardon
I didn't vomit in your rose garden
I hit the grass somehow
There's gonna be a crop circle there now
'Cos when you gotta go, you just gotta go
The bathroom line was way to slow, and so
I beg your pardon
I didn't vomit in your rose garden.

I could puke in the garage all over your Dodge
But I am well aware that you just washed it
So I better think it over
I could do it on the floor with a mighty roar
Or I could barf on the fish in your aquarium
But then we'd have to bury them
So smile for awhile and hand me a bag
Or else you're gonna need a cleaning rag
Let's make this a positive experience if we can.

I beg your pardon
I didn't vomit in your rose garden
I hit the grass somehow
There's gonna be a crop circle there now.

I beg your pardon
I didn't vomit in your rose garden.

I could belch you a tune and probably clear the room
But that might freak you way out
And then you would want to leave
But before I have another heave
You better watch your step along the parapet
'Cos there won't always be someone there to pull you out
And you know what I'm talking about
So smile for awhile and let's be jolly
Before I launch another volley
Let's make this a positive experience if we can.

I beg your pardon
I didn't vomit in your rose garden
I hit the grass somehow
There's gonna be a crop circle there now.

Piston: And there you have it folks, the new number one song by The Paulie Family written by that bald but boldly brilliant baron of barf ballads, Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall!

(Piston ponders for a moment.)

Piston: Gee, I wonder how Paul reacted to the lawsuit being thrown out of court.

(The studio door bursts open and Paul and Tracy enter the studio, both are clearly upset.)

Paul: SOME ATTORNEY AT LOG YOU TURNED OUT TO BE!!!

Tracy: What are you mad about? I’m the one that spent 12 days in jail!

Paul: Yeah? Well just how am I supposed to pay for all those yachts now?!!!

Tracy: I told you didn’t need one of every color! NOBODY OWNS A PEACH COLORED YACHT!!!

Paul: OH YEAH MR. I’VE-NEVER-OWNED-A-YACHT-SO HOW-THE-HELL- WOULD-I-KNOW??? AND WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE THAT NOBODY OWNS A PEACH COLORED YACHT???!!!

Tracy: BECAUSE IT WOULD LOOK SUNBURNED, THAT’S WHY!!!

Paul: THAT’S THE DUMBEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD YOU SAY!!!

Tracy: THAT’S WHAT YOU SAID WHEN I SAID “OH YEAH? WELL SEZ YOU!” TO THE JUDGE!!!

Paul: WELL AT THAT TIME IT WAS THE DUMBEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD YOU SAY!!! BUT NOW YOU’VE SURPASSED YOURSELF!!!

Tracy: OH YEAH MR. FARTYPANTS???!!! WELL WHY DON’T YOU EXPLAIN WHY YOU NEEDED YACHTS PAINTED MAUVE AND TIEL???!!!

Paul: I DIDN’T NEED THEM; I WANTED THEM!!! AND NOW THANKS TO YOU I CAN’T PAY FOR THEM AND THEY’LL BE REPOSSESSED!!!

Tracy: Well if you had spent more time in palm trees back during your Xanax binges we would’ve won the lawsuit! BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO… NOW WE CAN’T EVEN SUE CURTIS SALGADO FOR HAVING LIVER CANCER!!!

Paul: Are you saying this is all my fault?

Tracy: I should sue you for not falling out of a tree earlier.

Paul: You can’t sue me!

Tracy: Why not?

Paul: Because you’re my Attorney at Log, it would be a conflict of interest!

Tracy: That would only be a conflict because you’re not that interesting!

(Piston decides to take a chance and interrupt.)

Piston: So, I noticed on the new song that…

Tracy & Paul: OH SHUTUP!!!

(The phone rings. It’s Ray “Gaseous” Clay, the Paulie Family Tour Bus driver.)

Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!

Ray: Hey, somebody left a weird looking box outside the tour bus; it’s addressed to Tim.

Paul: Well then give it to Tim!

Ray: He’s not here; he’s on the road. He is the Road Manager, y’know?

Paul: I’ve never seen anybody so dedicated to the highways and bi-ways of the land. Look, just put the box in Tim’s room.

Ray: I don’t know, it sure looks mighty suspicious. What if it’s a bomb?

Paul: Don’t be ridiculous, who would want to blow us up?

(Paul and Tracy look at each other and come to the same conclusion.)

Paul & Tracy: TIPPER GORE!!!

Tracy: Quick, call the Bomb Squad!

Ray: Okay.

(Ray hangs up.)

Paul: Well this is just great! Now we’re getting bombs in the mail!

Tracy: Not necessarily, it was addressed to Tim.

Paul: What difference does that make?

Tracy: It makes a huge difference in three ways: 1. Tim’s not there, so he’s out of danger; 2. We’re not there either, so we’re not in any danger either; and 3. We’re talking about the Paulie Family Tour Bus, the most indestructible piece of machinery on the planet, so what possible damage can a bomb do?

Paul: How is it you can be so damned logical one minute and the next minute you’re getting a lawsuit thrown out of court for being frivolous and silly?

(Meanwhile, Piston notices the flashing light on his console which indicates an important breaking news story.)

Piston: Sorry to interrupt you guys but we have an important breaking news story! We take you now to our on the spot reporter, Anita Bier. Come in Anita Bier!

Anita: Piston I’m here at the Paulie Family Tour Bus where the Bomb Squad is now arriving to investigate a suspicious package that’s been delivered. Here with me now is Lieutenant Yugo Boom of the Portland Bomb Squad. Lieutenant, how will the Bomb Squad diffuse this situation?

(There’s a pause as Anita chuckles at her pun… Diffuse… Bomb Squad… get it?)

Lt. Boom: Well Anita, first we’re going to have our bomb sniffing dogs check out the mystery box.

Anita: How long did it take to train these dogs?

Lt. Boom: Actually, these are drug sniffing dogs.

Anita: Why is the Bomb Squad using drug sniffing dogs?

Lt. Boom: Both of our Bomb Sniffing dogs were run over by a DEA agent that was driving under the influence of intoxicants, so he loaned us a couple of his drug sniffing dogs to help out till we get new bomb sniffing dogs.

Anita: Do you really think they’ll be of any use for finding explosives?

Lt. Boom: Well there’s only one way to find out…

(The Lieutenant gives the signal to turn the dogs loose. The dogs begin barking hysterically as they race past the mystery box and into the tour bus and are never seen again.)

Anita: Well Lieutenant, the dogs seem to have ignored the box and run into the tour bus instead, what does that mean?

Lt. Boom: It means there’s either a bomb or drugs in that tour bus! MOVE IN!!!

(The Lieutenant and the rest of the bomb squad enter the tour bus with weapons drawn in pursuit of the dogs and are never seen again, which is a shame really because this scene had so much more potential.)

Anita: Well Piston, it looks like the Bomb Squad has entered the Paulie Family tour bus, and who knows what they might find there? Back to you Piston.

Piston: Thank you, Anita Bier! Well Paul, it looks like your tour bus is being searched. Would you care to comment on that?

(Paul and Tracy look at each other. They know exactly what might be found in the tour bus.)

Paul: Well Mr. Attorney at Log… HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET US OUT OF THIS ONE???!!!

Tracy: No problem, they obviously didn’t find anything in the box, and they don’t have a search warrant for the tour bus. And even if they did have a search warrant, and even if they did find anything they’d still have to find their way back out of the tour bus.

Paul: Are you saying that we now have a bunch of dogs and cops lost inside of our tour bus?

Tracy: Don’t worry, there are plenty of places in the tour bus where lost dogs and cops can find a new home where they can start a new life and continue to grow and thrive.

Paul: I’m not so sure I like the idea of dogs and cops thriving in our tour bus!

Tracy: It’s okay, if they begin to overpopulate we can always just sell the tour bus.

(Paul, unable to find anything wrong in Tracy’s reasoning for the first time in quite awhile begins to see the logic.)

Paul: And if the tour bus gets pulled over for speeding we can just say that the cops are on board and we’re already in custody!

Tracy: Now you got it!

Paul: And we can pull people over and send the cops out to give them tickets!

Tracy: Bingo!

Paul: And when we can’t find any drugs we can just turn the dogs loose!

Tracy: Exactly!

(Paul thinks for a minute.)

Paul: THEN HOW IS IT YOU GOT MY LAWSUIT THROWN OUT OF COURT FOR BEING FRIVOLOUS AND SILLY???!!!

Tracy: You’re looking at it all wrong; you see there’s no judge on the tour bus.

(Paul has now completely lost the logical roll that he was on and is now confused once again. Fortunately, the phone rings again. This time it’s Tim.)

Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!

Tim: Could somebody please put that box in my room? I’m supposed to send it on to someone else when I’m done with it.

Paul: Sorry, you weren’t home so we forwarded the box.

Tim: Forwarded it? To where?

Paul: To the side of the road; you’re the Road Manager, remember?

Tim: But…

Paul: I gotta go; I feel like pulling somebody over!

(Paul hangs up on Tim and gets up and leaves. The phone rings again. This time it’s JD.)

Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!

JD: How come I never get any important lines to say?

Tracy: I keep telling you… If you want more lines you need to contribute more script ideas! Look… Scroll down to the closing credits, you see what it says? It says JD (Don’t Know What the D Stands For) Sears, Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, Conga Player, and SCRIPT IDEAS!!! NOW IF YOU WANT MORE LINES TO SAY THEN START CONTRIBUTING MORE IDEAS!!!

(Tracy hangs up on JD and gets up and leaves.)

Piston: Well Gee, I didn’t get a chance to mention that the new song was sung by that beautiful blond bombshell of the Brass Bras, Raisin Blisters. Oh well, that’s all the time we have for today’s show, so be sure to tune in again for Radio Free Urine!

THE END

Credits: Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log

Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon
Band Leader, Lead and Rhythm Guitars,
Script Ideas.

Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher
Road Manager, Script Ideas.

JD (Don’t Know What The D Stands For) Sears
Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, Conga Player,
Script Ideas.

Also appearing were Ray (Gaseous) Clay and Anita Bier.

The song I Didn’t Vomit In Your Rose Garden was sung by Raisin Blisters.

The Blood & Bath Movie Review

Freaked (1993, USA)

Directed by Alex Winter & Tom Stern

Now this turned out to be a fun little movie. Everything about this movie is absurd and it all falls together perfectly to create a fast paced visual extravaganza. Okay, there are no real freaks in this movie, but the fake freaks are freaky nonetheless.

The main character, a sitcom actor named Ricky Coogin (played by Alex Winter) is enlisted as the official spokesman for the Everything Except Shoes Corporation and is sent to South America to downplay the media uproar over a substance called Zygrot-27. Ricky and his friends take a detour and wind up at an amusement park run by Elijah C. Skuggs (played by Randy Quaid) who takes great pride in his display of freaks.

However, Ricky and his friends quickly discover the hard way that Skuggs has actually created the freaks himself using – what else? – Zygrot-27, and they soon wind up as freaks themselves. But Ricky soon joins forces with the other freaks including the Human Worm, the Bearded Lady (and yes folks, that really is Mr. T playing the Bearded Lady), a Sock Puppet-Headed Man (featuring the voice of Bobcat Goldthwait), and Ortiz The Dog Boy (played by Keanu Reeves). The final battle is a sight to behold.

This movie failed miserably at the box office due to poor distribution, and that’s a shame because this movie really is a blast to watch.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions



Irreversible (2002, France)

Directed by Gaspar Noe

Irreversible is unquestionably one of the most disturbing movies I’ve ever had the pleasure to watch. So disturbing in fact that I had to watch it twice just to be sure, and even still I’m not sure if that’s enough. This movie has two unusual things going for it: 1. The entire story is told in reverse, that is, the movie “starts” with the ending credits, and then roughly 12 scenes are shown in reverse order; 2. The bizarre soundtrack and camera angles give you the sensation of having a nightmare.

If you speak French then you won’t have to read the subtitles, but the dialogue isn’t really all that complicated so it’s easy to keep up with the subtitles. The opening scene shows two elderly men sitting on a bed, one of them naked for no apparent reason. They talk briefly and then the scene takes us out the window to the street below where we view the aftermath of an especially vicious act of revenge. As each scene comes to an end we are then taken to the beginning of the previous scene which shows us the events that lead up to the scene we just watched. This makes it especially important to pay attention; however, in doing so you are forced to watch some rather graphic imagery.

As the movie travels further backwards in time we see the pursuit of a man accused of a brutal rape and beating. The victim is a young lady named Alex (played by the lovely Monica Bellucci). When Alex’s friends discover what’s happened to Alex they set out to find the perpetrator, known only as Le Tenia. They track him to a gay S/M club called The Rectum where the revenge is carried out.

We are then taken to the next previous scene where Alex is attacked, raped, and beaten. Make no mistake here folks, the rape scene is one of the longest in film history (roughly 9 minutes), and the beating afterwards is no less savage.

The only real down side to this movie is that the farther you go into it the more tame it becomes, because after the revenge and rape scenes the movie basically is nothing more than a bunch of scenes involving a party, drug use, and consensual sex which gradually leads us to where Alex leaves the party with her friends and gets separated from them before taking the advice of a hooker who tells her to “Take the underpass; it’s safer.”

This movie originally premiered at the Cannes Film Festival before a crowd of 2,400 people. It is said that 200 of those people walked out either during or after the rape and beating scene. Some people just don’t understand the concept of “It’s only a movie.”

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions



Head (1968, USA)

Directed by Bob Rafelson

The Monkees finally rebelled against their “Prefab Four” image that America had seemingly forever branded them with, and demonstrated that not only were they capable writing and performing their own songs, but also that they were nothing like that silly Saturday morning show that we all watched back in grade school (at least those of us who were in grade school during the mid to late ‘60s).

This is a difficult movie to describe, partly because it has no plot and no storyline, but it’s far from being uninteresting. Basically, we see Mickey, Davy, Peter, and Mike either together or separately or any three looking for the missing one as they go from one surreal scene to the next.

How surreal are the scenes? Well we have a war scene in which NFL Hall of Famer, Ray Nitschke appears in full football regalia. We have another scene where screaming teeny bopper fans are waiting to see their beloved Monkees perform, but instead of playing “Hey Hey We’re The Monkees…” or one of those other bubble gum tunes that they were forced to play in their early days we are treated to Mike Nesmith belting out the rockin’ tune “Circle Sky” while graphic images of the Vietnam War appear at the bottom of the screen.

The scene with Mickey Dolenz in the desert with an uncooperative Coca-Cola machine is pretty funny, and Mike Nesmith’s surprise party results in a very disgruntled Mike telling everybody what he thinks about it before concluding “And I feel the same way about Christmas… Now, what do you think of them apples?” Meanwhile, Peter Tork seems to be off in a world of his own ala Larry Fine, and Davy Jones becomes fed up with being in a box.

There are also a number of interesting cameos in this movie including: Annette Funicello, Vito Scotti, Sonny Liston, Frank Zappa, Teri Garr, Jack Nicholson (who also co-wrote and co-produced the movie), Dennis Hopper, and Victor Mature.

This movie went nowhere in the theaters due to bad distribution, but it has since become a Rock & Roll Cult Classic.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions



The Short Films Of David Lynch (2002, USA)

Directed by David Lynch

From the man who brought us such strange movies as Eraserhead, The Elephant Man, and Blue Velvet, David Lynch presents six of his short films: Six Men Getting Sick, The Alphabet, The Grandmother, The Amputee, The Cowboy And The Frenchman, and Lumiere. Here is a breakdown of the six films…

Six Men Getting Sick (1967) – No dialogue. We are treated to what appears to be six animated paintings that go through what Lynch describes as “57 seconds of growth and fire, and three seconds of vomit.” The sequence repeats itself six times while a very annoying soundtrack of a siren blares through the entire film.

The Alphabet (1967) – Very little dialogue. A mostly animated feature that is mercifully short.

The Grandmother (1970) – At 34 minutes this is the longest of the six films. No coherent dialogue. This is a very strange film which tells the story of a young boy, whose abusive parents are forever punishing him for his chronic bedwetting.

To escape from this madness the boy dumps dirt on his bed and plants what appears to be a potato or some sort of seed. A gigantic plant soon emerges and gives birth to an old lady, or grandmother. The grandmother gives the boy comfort from the oppressing reality of his parents.

However, the grandmother soon falls ill, and the boy is faced with the threat of being alone again in a cruel world.

The Amputee (1973) – Narrative dialogue. Another short feature that seems to be headed in a downright boring direction until the nurse (played by David Lynch) comes in to change the bandages.

The Cowboy And The Frenchman (1987) – At 26 minutes this film is truly the best out of the six. Maybe it’s because it actually has more than two actors in it, and maybe because this film is obviously done as a comedy so that the less Artsy-Fartsy people like me can actually understand it.

This film alone makes it worth buying the whole DVD. You’ll see a couple of fairly well-known actors in this one, and the film is actually in color. I love it when the Indian says “I followed him for 10 days, but he kept throwing snails at me; it scared the hell out of me.”

The Lumiere (1995) – This film is one minute long, and it is a series of rapid fire images designed to make you go “What the hell?” and have to watch it again.

To sum up the whole DVD, 5 of the 6 films are very much what you would expect from David Lynch, while The Cowboy And The Frenchman is nothing like anything you would expect from him, and as I’ve said already this one film is worth buying the entire DVD.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions



Dead Ringers (1988, Canada)

Directed by David Cronenberg

Okay, unlike some of the real gore-fests we’ve reviewed in the past, Dead Ringers is more of a psychological thriller, in other words you actually have to pay attention to it in order to enjoy it. Jeremy Irons plays Elliot and Beverly Mantle, twin brothers who grow up to become surgeons and operate an exclusive gynecological clinic where they’ve established themselves as the heads of their profession with their innovative methods.

However, neither Elliot nor Beverly are completely right in the head, although Elliot comes across as the more sophisticated of the two. We’ve all heard those stories about twins, how one feels what the other feels, and thinks what the other one thinks. Elliot and Beverly are no different, and while they enjoy such recreational activities as sharing sexual favors with Claire, a patient who happens to be a famous actress with an unusual diagnosis, Beverly makes the mistake of falling in love with Claire (played by Genevieve Bujold).

Beverly’s obsessions soon lead him to design a very disturbing set of surgical instruments for the purpose of operating on mutated women, and Elliot stands firmly behind his brother. However, Beverly is quickly becoming more and more addicted to the very pharmaceutical drugs that he’s been recklessly writing prescriptions to for Claire.

Elliot tries to be strong, but Beverly spirals out of control with drug abuse and soon Elliot is dragged into the same addictions. Eventually both Elliot and Beverly realize that they can’t go on relying on each other the rest of their lives, and eventually a shocking solution is agreed upon.

If your hoping to see blood and guts galore you will be greatly disappointed, but if you’d like to see a dark, disturbing, psychological thriller then give this movie a try.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions



Tales From The Crapper (2004, USA)

Directed by Lloyd Kaufman, Gabriel Friedman, David Paiko, and Brian Spitz

One of the finest pieces of work from those crazy folks at Troma, Tales From The Crapper has it all. Hosted by The Crap Keeper (played by Lloyd Kaufman) and starring Julie Strain in not one, but two films.

In the first film (which I can’t seem to remember the name of) Julie plays a rough tough streetwise cop, and she really hates bad guys. Julie is in hot pursuit of an alien that’s been going around and killing the customers of a strip club. Eventually, Julie tracks down the alien and the big battle ensues.

The second film, titled Tuition Of The Terror Twat, Julie plays a vampire lesbian stripper who gets hired by some college kid to bring herself and a bunch of other vampire lesbian strippers to a party. Mayhem ensues. During this movie there is a scene where a guy tells the longest most disgustingly dirty joke in the world; the punchline isn’t all that funny but the actual telling of the joke is.

Interspersed within both movies is a reoccurring background movie called Cannibal Lesbian Hoedown, and during the less interesting moments you’re treated to Boner-Vision. If you hate everything Troma has ever done then stay far away from this DVD; however, if you’re familiar with Troma and you actually “get the humor” then you’ll love this one.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions



2001 Maniacs (2004, USA)

Directed by Tim Sullivan

This movie is actually a remake of the 1964 Herschell Gordon Lewis movie, 2000 Maniacs; and much like the remake of Night Of The Living Dead, this remake is better than the original. Oh sure, you still get the over the top corny stereotype acting, but this remake has much better gore scenes than the original.

The plot? The plot is the same as the original: A bunch of northern tourists get detoured to the town of Pleasant Valley where they are systematically slaughtered in pretty spectacular ways. The main difference between this remake and the original is that the body count is higher and the gore is much better. There’s also a lot more sex and nudity. Oh yeah, the humor is pretty funny too.

Robert Englund stars as Mayor Buford and he’s probably the only actor in this movie that you’ll recognize, but he gives a fine performance. If you enjoyed the original 2000 Maniacs then you’re really going to like 2001 Maniacs.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions



From Dusk Till Dawn (1996, USA)

Directed by Robert Rodriguez

Now this is one rock ‘em sock ‘em shoot ‘em up, blood and gore, vampire extravaganza. George Clooney and Quentin Tarantino star as two brothers who are on a robbery and murder spree. The only thing they need to make this crime spree complete is to escape into Mexico, where they’ve set up a rendezvous to launder their dirty money and live like kings.

In order to get into Mexico they kidnap a widowed preacher (played by Harvey Keitel) and his two children, the daughter played by the lovely Juliette Lewis (I don’t know about the rest of you, but Juliette Lewis makes me proud to be a dirty old man). After crossing into Mexico they go to the rendezvous spot, a wild little out of the way place called The Titty Twister.

It’s not long after arriving at The Titty Twister that they discover that the place is teeming with vampires, and the battle is on. The good guys are joined by Fred Williamson and Tom Savini, and together they all put quite a dent in the vampire population, but it soon becomes clear that they are way outnumbered and all the guns in the world aren’t going to save them.

This movie has everything that a true cult film connoisseur could possible want: Guns, shooting, hostages, kidnapping, perverts, over the top acting, blood and gore galore, plus vampires, condoms filled with holy water, Juliette Lewis, and lots of comedy situations including Cheech Marin playing three different roles (the cat calling scene outside The Titty Twister is a legendary performance).

Normally I’m not a big fan of vampire movies, but this one is a must see.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions



Night Of The Demons (1988, USA)

Directed by Kevin S. Tenney

I actually ordered this DVD by mistake thinking it was Night Of The Creeps. Boy was I wrong. This movie sucks, and not in a good way. Night Of The Demons is nothing more than just another movie about a bunch of teenagers on Halloween night who decide to have a party in the old abandoned funeral parlor, which is rumored to be haunted. The rest is so predictable with the sexual wisecracks, the big drunk mullet-headed jock, the Goth chick, etc.

Although the special effects are not too bad in this movie, it’s all the same old routine script and plot that was run into the ground during the hey day of ‘80s teen slasher films, the only difference being that in this movie instead of a masked maniac going around killing people the people just turn into demons. The whole thing is like they wanted to cross Friday The 13th with Night Of The Living Dead, and it falls miserably short of its goal.

This movie is perfect if you’re going to show it to a bunch of teenyboppers at a slumber party, but for the true cult movie collector this is one movie you do NOT want to add to your library.

Rating: No thumb anywhere near the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

Famous Last Words

The Paulie Family
Phew, that was close!" "Red wire? Blue wire? Red wire, blue wire.... Red wi.." "Actually darling, YES! Your bum DOES look big in that!" "Don't worry, we'll be safe in here" "Gerrrronimoooooo!" "What does this button do?" "Is that thing loaded?" "OK, I've removed the pin..... now what?" "I'll go first, I'm sure it's safe" "Ahhh, isn't that sweet, I wonder where the mommy tiger is" "Now I have you in my power Mr. Fantabuloso, nothing can stop me. .... I am invincible!!" "Of course there's no one else Debbi...I mean Alice" "Oh yeah, you and whose army?" "Yep, my tour of duty ends tomorrow, and then it's back home to marry my childhood sweetheart, just this one final mission" "If you Hells Angels are so tough, why do you dress so gay?" "What's that ticking sound?" "Pentagram you say, it was supposed to have been a pentagram?" "Whoops" "I'm not sure, what do piranhas look like?" "10 bucks says I can make it through that level crossing before the train does" "Oh come off it, just how deadly can a tinsy winsy little spider like that be?" "Of course I'm not too drunk to drive" "Perhaps they're friendly" "Wow, the dark cloak, skull head, scythe, Man, your Grim Reaper costume is really convincing" "Relax dude, I've been out running twisters like this for yeaaaaarrrrrrrsssss______" "Good morning class, I'm your new instructor, Professor Butterfingers, In my hand I am holding a glass vial full of one of the most lethal neurotoxins known to ... ooops" "Look, the odds of anything going wrong are a million to one" "Hey, aren't you that guy in the wanted posters" "I think the air might be breathable on this planet, let me just get this helmet off and...." "Wolves? Nah, there haven't been wolves in these parts for decades" "Don't be silly, you couldn't possibly have seen a veloco-raptor" "Let me explain why I don't have your money, Mr. Corellione" "Just wait here dear, I think I saw a telephone a few miles back, I won't be long" "Behind me? Oh really, you don't think I'm going to fall for that old trick do you?" "Trip wire? What trip wir..." "Why are you looking so nervous, I thought you'd be pleased I got tickets for the game, even though it's the Man U end... ooohhh look GOOOAAAALLLL!!! "errr, hey, guys, guys, so I screwed up, big time, but we're still friends right?"

RFU 5-06

RFU 5-06 Copyright 6/06 by McCall/Zimmon



Disclaimer: The following program contains material that is guaranteed to offend somebody somewhere. Reader discretion is advised.

Theme Music: They’re not in tune with nature
They’re not in tune with Zen
We thought they finally went away
But now they’re back again
So now for all you folks out there
Who do not have a clue
Here now is Piston McCauffey
The host of RFU…

Piston: Radio Free Urine is on the air! Hello to all you folks out there in radio land, this is your old friend, Piston McCauffey, coming to you from the big building with the statue of naked people out front.

Well with The Paulie Family once again safely back on land they’ve wasted no time in getting back into the recording studio, which reminds me, let’s take a look at this week’s Top 10 Pillboard Chart:

1. Toilet In The Sky by The Paulie Family
2. Careful With That Ass, Eugene by Stink Floyd
3. Feel Like Makin’ Log by Bad Dumpany
4. I Write Bad Songs by Barry Marshmallow
5. Butt Scratch Fever by Ted Butt Nugget
6. Poop Stompin’ Music by Grand Dump Tailload
7. Puke I Hurl by Gene Chunder
8. I’m Smelling You Now by Freddie and The Reamers
9. Papa’s Got A Brand New Colostomy Bag by James Brown Matter
10. Must Bang Sally by Wilson Stickit

And that’s right folks, after taking a whole year off The Paulie Family is back with another #1 song, and let’s listen to it now…

Music: Toilet In The Sky (Sung to the tune of Spirit In The Sky by Norman Greenbaum)

When I gotta whiz after I'm dead
Gonna whiz in the place overhead
When I lay me down to die
Gonna whiz in the toilet in the sky
Gonna whiz in the toilet in the sky
That's where I'm gonna whiz when I die
When I gotta whiz after I'm dead
I'm gonna whiz in the place overhead.

Remember to wipe, you know that you must
Gotta wipe my butt with Jesus
So you know that when you die
He's gonna lead you up to the toilet in the sky
Lead you up to the toilet in the sky
That's where you're gonna wipe when you die
When you gotta wipe after you're dead
You gotta wipe in the place overhead.

I've always been a crapper; I crap a lot
Gotta take a dump with Jesus
So you know that when I die
He's gonna lead me up to the toilet in the sky
Oh lead me up to the toilet in the sky
That's where I'm gonna crap when I die
When I gotta crap after I'm dead
I'm gonna crap in the place overhead
Crap in the place overhead.

Piston: And there you have it folks, the new number one song by The Paulie Family written by that terrifically talented troubadour of toilet tunes, Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall! And here with us in the studio today to talk about The Paulie Family’s latest exploits is none other than Tracy himself!

(Tracy nods to the microphone, forgetting that he’s on the radio.)

Piston: Tracy, your new song seems to have a religious ring to it; you haven’t been born again have you?

Tracy: No, according to my mother I was born right the first time.

Piston: Then why the sudden interest in Jesus?

Tracy: It’s more of a protest actually because I’ve met a lot of people who are musicians, and probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard a musician say is “I’d like to start a Christian rock band.”

Piston: What’s wrong with that?

Tracy: Well during the last half a century religious zealots everywhere have always declared that rock music is the Devil’s music. So the term “Christian rock band” is probably the biggest oxymoron ever stated out loud. It’s sort of the equivalent of Christians celebrating Christmas by decorating trees.

Piston: But decorating Christmas trees is one of the oldest Christmas traditions.

Tracy: Yes, but whole idea was stolen from the so-called “Pagan” religions.

Piston: What do you mean by “so-called Pagan religions?”

Tracy: Well as anybody with half a brain knows, whenever Christians don’t understand the proper name for something that they simply make up a new name for it.

Piston: Can you give an example?

Tracy: One good example would be the word “warlock.”

Piston: Isn’t a warlock a male witch?

Tracy: No, in the Wicca religion there is no differentiation between a male and female witch. But of course in Christianity the concept of equality between men and women in the church is an unacceptable idea because it diminishes the superior designation of the male in the church, the home and society. Therefore, Christians simply made up the word “warlock” to suggest that a male witch has some sort of superiority in the Wicca religion. In that same vain would be Christians making up the word “Pagan” to describe anybody that isn’t a Christian. A similar example would be if I were to make up a word like “child molester” to describe a male Catholic Priest.

Piston: Well okay then. Another Paulie Family news item is the announcement that The Paulie Family is filing a lawsuit against The Rolling Stones guitarist, Keith Richards. What’s the story behind that?

Tracy: Well isn’t it obvious? Keith Richards falls out of a palm tree, winds up in the hospital, and gets a hole drilled into his head; he’s obviously stealing Paul’s act and as Attorney at Log for the band it’s my sworn duty to come down on Mr. Richards with the full weight of the log!

Piston: You say that Keith Richards is stealing Paul’s act. Has Paul ever actually fallen out of a palm tree?

Tracy: No, but if you leave a ladder anywhere near a palm tree it’s only a matter of time before Paul will be plummeting head first into the burning sand below.

(The phone rings. It’s Paul calling.)

Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!

Paul: Is it really necessary to publicize my total lack of coordination?

Tracy: As your Attorney at Log I’m doing it in your best interest.

Paul: How in the hell is telling people how clumsy I am in my best interest?

Tracy: Well look at it this way, you know how you’re always complaining about how fabulously wealthy I’ve become from my imaginary songwriting royalties while you don’t receive squat?

Paul: Yeah.

Tracy: Well Keith Richards has one thing as a guitar player that you don’t have.

Paul: And what’s that?

Tracy: Real, genuine, non-imaginary, honest to God CASH MONEY!!!

(There’s a pause on the other end of the line as Paul ponders the concept of real money. His eyes light up with dollar signs and make that nice ringing cash register sound.)

Paul: Okay, carry on.

(Paul hangs up.)

Piston: Well you certainly got Paul’s cooperation on this.

Tracy: Not even Paul will back down from a shot at real money.

(The phone rings. This time it’s Keith Richards.)

Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!

Keith: What’s all this bollocks about me being sued?

Tracy: Well Mr. Richards, it seems to me that if George Harrison can be successfully sued for stealing the music from He’s So Fine, then you should be a slam dunk on this.

Keith: But I didn’t steal anybody’s music.

Tracy: No, but you did fall out of a tree and get a hole drilled in your head, and that’s obviously stealing Paul’s act in much the same way that Jimi Exlax stole Excrete Townsend’s act when he flushed his guitar down the toilet at the Monterey Poop Festival in 1967.

Keith: Who in the hell is Paul?

Tracy: Somebody you’re going to wish to Log you never heard of if you don’t agree to settle out of court.

Keith: Oh alright, how much do you want to forget the whole thing?

Tracy: I’d say about $47 million dollars ought to take care of it.

Keith: How much is that in English Pounds?

Tracy: Hmmmmm… I don’t know. I’ll tell ya’ what, why don’t we just make it an even $47 million Pounds?

Keith: You’re out of your bleedin’ mind; go bugger yourself you wankin’ yank!

(Keith hangs up, but Tracy doesn’t give up that easily.)

Tracy: Does this phone have Star 69?

Piston: Of course!

(Tracy dials Star 69 which calls back Keith Richards.)

Keith: Hello?

Tracy: Hi Mr. Richards! Hey you hung up before I could give you the address to send the check to.

Keith: What check?

Tracy: The check for $47 million pounds.

Keith: PISS OFF!!!

(Keith hangs up again.)

Piston: He doesn’t sound very cooperative.

Tracy: Okay, I tried to handle this in a mature and professional manner, but now I’m gonna have to get mean!

(Tracy dials Star 69 again.)

Keith: Hello?

Tracy: Hello, do you have Prince Albert in a can?

Keith: He died in 1861 you stupid git!

(Tracy is only momentarily caught off guard.)

Tracy: Well in that case do you have him in an urn?

Keith: Look, if you don’t stop calling me I’m going to come over there and kick your ass!

Tracy: Oh yeah? Well let me give you the address. Have you got a pencil and paper?

Keith: Yeah.

Tracy: Okay, the address is #2 Hershey Highway, Northeast Portland, Oregon 97220. It’s a treehouse, you can’t miss it. I’ll leave the door unlocked if you think you can CLIMB UP TO IT WITHOUT FALLING OUT OF THE TREE, YOU BASTARD!!!

(Tracy hangs up.)

Piston: Well you certainly told him.

Tracy: Yeah, he doesn’t know who he’s messing with!

(The phone rings. It’s Paul again.)

Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!

Paul: When do I get my $47 million dollars?

Tracy: Uuuuuuh… We’re still negotiating on that.

Paul: Well hurry up, my shopping list isn’t getting any shorter you know!

Tracy: What are you complaining for? You still have all of Anna Nicole Smith’s jewelry from when we sued her for falling and landing on you that time when we were on Hollywood Squares!

Paul: Yeah, but it was all Cubic Zirconium! It’s as worthless as all that makeup she wears!

Tracy: Okay, but at least we succeeded in getting the judge to order her to wear a “Wide Load” sign on her ass.

Paul: Yeah, but I’m still broke! Now what are you going to do about it?

Tracy: Look, if you need cash that bad I’ve got plenty of beer cans you can take to the store.

Paul: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YOU DON’T!!! I’M NOT SMUGGLING ANYMORE COCKROACHES OUT OF YOUR APARTMENT!!!

Tracy: It’s not illegal to smuggle cockroaches.

Paul: NO, BUT IT’S ANNOYING AS HELL!!!

Tracy: And besides, you weren’t smuggling cockroaches; I was deporting them!

Paul: Yeah, well I ain’t the freakin’ I.N.S.!!! NOW GET BUSY AND GET ME MY $47 MILLION DOLLARS!!!

(Paul hangs up.)

Tracy: Jeez, what a grouch!

(The phone rings again. This time it’s Rush Limbaugh calling.)

Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!

Rush: It’s liberal wacko types like you with your frivolous lawsuits that are tying up the courts and wasting the taxpayer’s money!

Tracy: Who the hell is this?

Rush: This is Rush Limbaugh!

(Tracy thinks back to the time when The Paulie Family crashed the Rush Limbaugh Show while Rush was on the air.)

Tracy: Did you say Flush Rimjob?

Rush: No, I said RUSH LIMBAUGH!!!

Tracy: Whatever… What can I do for you Flush?

Rush: THAT’S RUSH!!!

Tracy: Okay, what do you want?

Rush: I just wanted to point out that if the so-called Paulie Family would spend more time doing a little good old fashioned hard work they might actually get themselves a REAL RADIO SHOW!!!

Tracy: What makes you say that?

Rush: Where I come from you have to pay your dues and EARN RESPECT!!!

Tracy: Really? Where do you come from?

Rush: I’m from Missouri, the Show Me State!

Tracy: Oh yeah? Well I’m from Oregon, THE BLOW ME STATE!!!

(Tracy hangs up.)

Piston: Well Tracy, you certainly told him!

(The phone rings again. It’s Paul again.)

Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!

Paul: Al Franken is right, Flush Rimjob IS a big fat idiot!

(Paul hangs up.)

Piston: Wow Tracy, this is the most phone calls we’ve ever had in one show!

Tracy: Let that be a lesson to Mr. Rimjob. Well my work is done here.

(Tracy gets up and leaves.)

Piston: Well folks, it looks like that’s all the time we have for today’s show, so be sure to join us here again next time for Radio Free Urine!

THE END

Credits: Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter
Attorney at Log

Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon
Band Leader, Lead and Rhythm Guitars,
Script Ideas.

Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher
Road Manager, Script Ideas.

JD (Don’t Know What The D Stands For) Sears
Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, Conga Player,
Script Ideas.