RFU 7-06 Copyright 8/06 by McCall/Zimmon/Gallagher/Sears
Disclaimer: The following program contains material that is guaranteed to offend somebody somewhere. Reader discretion is advised.
Theme Music: They’re not in tune with nature
They’re not in tune with Zen
We thought they finally went away
But now they’re back again
So now for all you folks out there
Who do not have a clue
Here now is Piston McCauffey
The host of RFU…
Piston: Radio Free Urine is on the air! Hello to all you folks out there in radio land, this is your old friend, Piston McCauffey, coming to you from the big building with the statue of naked people out front.
Well you’ll all recall last time when the entire City of Portland Bomb Squad along with a couple of drug sniffing dogs became lost inside of the vast interior of the Paulie Family Tour Bus. All search efforts were called off after a search team, which included a dozen or so Eagle Scouts; an entire company of Oregon National Guardsmen; and two rescue helicopters also went missing inside the bus.
Accusations by both the Mayor of Portland, Tom Potter; and Oregon Governor, Ted Kulongoski; of The Paulie Family harboring the Bermuda Triangle inside their tour bus have once again put The Paulie Family in the public spotlight.
Undaunted, The Paulie Family has once again been hard at work in the recording studio. Speaking of which, let’s take a look at this week’s Top 10 Pillboard Chart:
1. All My Urine by The Paulie Family
2. Let My Log Open The Door by Excrete Townsend
3. We Still Stink by INSTYNC
4. Yellow River by Pistie
5. Gastrointestinal Overbelch by Stink Floyd
6. Hold Back The Water by Logman-Turder Overflush
7. Let The Four Winds Blow by Farts Domino
8. Cum And Stay With Me by Marianne Facefull
9. Stool For The City by Loghat
10. Sick As A Brick by Jethro Up
And that’s right folks, The Paulie Family is back with another #1 song, and let’s listen to it now…
Music: All My Urine (Sung to the tune of All My Loving by The Beatles)
Close your eyes and I'll drench you
You sick little wench you
Remember my aim will be true
And then while I'm away
I'll fill one jar each day
And I'll send all my urine to you.
I'll pretend that I'm pissing
On lips I'm not kissing
You'll gargle my bodily brew
And then while I'm away
I'll fill one jar each day
And I'll send all my urine to you.
All my urine I will send to you
All my urine with its golden hue.
Close your eyes and I'll drench you
You sick little wench you
Remember my aim will be true
And then while I'm away
I'll fill one jar each day
And I'll send all my urine to you.
All my urine I will send to you
All my urine with its golden hue
All my urine
All my urine
All my urine I will send to you.
And there you have it folks, the new number one song by The Paulie Family written by that ultimately undaunted and ubiquitous ultraliberal of uncouth urine eulogies, Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall! And here in the studio now are none other than Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon and Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall!
(Paul and Tracy enter the studio. Oddly enough, they’re not yelling at each other today.)
Piston: Well Paul…
Paul: Hold it right there! I’ve changed my name!
(Even Tracy looks surprised at this news.)
Piston: You’re changing your name, but why?
Paul: ‘Cos I need a little more pizzazz in my life! So from now on I want to be called Flash Satellite! What do you think about that?
Piston: So will this be like a nickname then?
Paul: No, I still refuse to have a nickname. I’m just changing my name to Flash Satellite, that’s all.
(Paul turns to Tracy.)
Paul: You’re the Attorney at Log; take care of the paperwork!
Tracy: You do realize that everybody is going to call you Flush instead of Flash, don’t you?
Paul: Whoooooooooaaa… Hold on a minute! Let’s make it Dish Satellite instead!
Tracy: Dish Satellite, huh? Okay, I’ll get the paperwork started…
Piston: Well then Flush… I mean Flash… I mean…
Paul: DISH!!! IT’S DISH SATELLITE, YOU IDIOT!!!
Tracy: I need to use the phone.
(Tracy grabs Piston’s phone and begins pushing buttons.)
Piston: So uh, Dish… Wow, this is really hard to get use to…
Paul: What’s so hard about it?
(Paul, I mean Dish, looks up at the ceiling and holds his arms out, imagining his new name in lights.)
Paul: Dish Satellite… Aaaah I can see it now!
(Meanwhile Tracy is still on the phone.)
Tracy: Hello Dish?
Paul: What?
(Tracy turns to the artist formerly known as Paul.)
Tracy: Not you.
Paul: Then who are you talking to?
Tracy: My secretary, Dish.
(Tracy turns back to the phone.)
Tracy: Yeah Dish? I need you to prepare a Change of Name Form.
Paul: Wait a minute, you never told me you had a secretary!
Tracy: Hold on a second…
(Tracy turns back to Dish.)
Tracy: You never asked.
(Tracy turns back to the phone.)
Tracy: That’s right, a Change of Name Form for Paul. He’s changing his name to Dish Satellite… What’s that? That’s right, same as your name.
Paul: How come I don’t have a secretary?
(Tracy turns back to Dish.)
Tracy: Because nobody ever listens to you.
(Tracy turns back to the phone.)
Paul: What do you mean nobody ever listens to me?
(Tracy turns back to Dish.)
Tracy: What?
Paul: I SAID WHAT DO YOU MEAN NOBODY EVER LISTENS TO ME???!!!
(Tracy has already turned back to the phone and isn’t listening to Dish.)
Paul: I SAID!!!... Wait a minute, your secretary’s name is Dish Satellite?
(Tracy turns back to the artist soon to be known as Paul again.)
Tracy: No, her name is Dish Towel.
Paul: NOPE!!! THAT’S IT!!! FORGET IT!!! NEVERMIND!!! CANCEL THE WHOLE THING!!!
(Tracy turns to the phone again.)
Tracy: Yeah, Dish? Hold the Change of Name Form. I’ll get back to you on that.
(Tracy hangs up the phone and turns to Paul.)
Tracy: Okay, what’s wrong with the name Dish?
Paul: I don’t want a woman’s name!
Tracy: Why not? I got stuck with a woman’s name.
Paul: Yeah, and look what it did to you!
Tracy: Lot’s of famous men have feminine names… Look at Alice Pooper.
Paul: LOOK, I SAID FORGET IT… OKAY???!!!
(Meanwhile Piston, who’s been totally enthralled by the conversation finally joins back into it.)
Piston: How ‘bout instead of Dish Satellite you call yourself On Demand?
Tracy: Yeah, or maybe Basic Cable?
(Paul, seeing where the conversation is going decides to get away while he still can.)
Paul: You guys always ruin everything for me… SCREW YOU!!!
(Paul storms out of the studio.)
Piston: So Tracy, what about this Bermuda Triangle accusation from the Mayor and Governor?
Tracy: That’s absurd; I’ve never even been to Bermuda.
(Paul storms back into the studio.)
Paul: AND IF ANYBODY’S INTERESTED THE ONLY TRIANGLES I EVER SAW IN BERMUDA WERE ON THE NUDE BEACH!!!
(Paul storms back out of the studio. Both Tracy and Piston shudder at the though of Paul on a nude beach.)
Piston: Well then, I guess that settles that. So Tracy, what about the fate of all those missing people inside the tour bus?
Tracy: Well look at the bright side, those National Guardsmen won’t get sent to Iraq now will they? So really they’re all in a better place now.
Piston: You make it sound like they’re all dead.
Tracy: Well would you rather be dead in a bus or in the middle of a desert?
(Piston ponders the question but can’t decide which is the better place to die, so he decides to change the subject.)
Piston: So what’s next for The Paulie Family?
(The phone rings. It’s Tim.)
Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!
Tim: Hey, why isn’t band in Michigan yet?
Tracy: Why would we be in Michigan?
Tim: Don’t you remember? I got us a booking in Max Jagermeister's cornfield in Trufant, Michigan. It’s the Woodcock Festival.
Tracy: When is it supposed to start?
Tim: Memorial Day weekend.
Tracy: But that’s over nine months away.
Tim: No, actually it was 12 weeks ago. The crowd is really getting restless.
Tracy: You mean a crowd has been waiting for us in Michigan for 12 weeks?
Tim: Yeah, they’re really dedicated fans.
Tracy: I just have one question.
Tim: What?
Tracy: WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU SAY SOMETHING SOONER???!!!
Tim: I left a memo about it on the bulletin board.
Tracy: What bulletin board?
Tim: The bulletin board above the wastepaper basket.
Tracy: What wastepaper basket?
Tim: The wastepaper basket that’s always full of all my crumpled up memos because nobody reads them.
Tracy: Well you should write more interesting memos!
Tim: I have been writing more interesting memos; I left a memo about it on the bulletin board.
(Tracy stops for a moment as he realizes that he’s just had his own classic Memo Routine used on him, which is really odd because Tim has never heard the classic Memo Routine. Rather than dwell any futher on it Tracy decides to take action.)
Tracy: Okay tell the crowd we’ll be there in a couple of days.
Tim: But the concession stands are out of food, and the Port-A-Potties are overflowing, and it’s starting to rain.
Tracy: How many people are there?
Tim: Oh about 30 or 40.
Tracy: 30 or 40 thousand?
Tim: No, just 30 or 40. There were almost 50 but some people got tired of waiting.
Tracy: Okay, well just tell them we’re on our way.
Tim: Well okay, but…
(Tracy hangs up on Tim.)
Piston: Wow, this certainly is an interesting development!
Tracy: I’ll say, 30 or 40 people, that’s bigger than the crowd that showed up at the opening of Cesspool 61.
(JD walks into the studio.)
JD: Hey, have you guys seen Flush?
Tracy: Well sort of.
JD: What do you mean?
Tracy: Well he was here but then he changed his name to Dish.
JD: Isn’t that your secretary’s name?
Tracy: How do you know my secretary?
JD: Well I don’t really have anything to do as Flush’s Spiritual Advisor so I just sort of shmooz around a lot.
(The phone rings. It’s Paul.)
Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!
Paul: FLASH YOU ASSHOLE, IT WAS FLASH!!!
JD: I thought you changed it to Dish.
Paul: NO!!! THAT TURNED OUT TO BE A WOMAN’S NAME!!!
JD: Maybe you could change it to Plate.
Tracy: Or Platter.
Piston: Or Saucer.
(Paul doesn’t say anything; he just hangs up.)
JD: Jeez, what’s bugging him?
Tracy: I don’t know but you’d better go find him. We have a show to do.
JD: Really? When?
Tracy: 12 weeks ago.
(Tracy walks out of the studio followed by a very puzzled JD.)
Piston: Well folks, it looks like that’s all the time we have for today’s show, so be sure to join us here again next time for Radio Free Urine!
THE END
Credits: Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter
Attorney at Log
Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon
Band Leader, Lead and Rhythm Guitars,
Script Ideas.
Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher
Road Manager, Script Ideas.
JD (Don’t Know What The D Stands For) Sears
Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, Conga Player,
Script Ideas.
The song All My Urine is dedicated to Goldie Showers and all our fans at kidtomfoolery.com.
