RFU 8-06
RFU 8-06 Copyright 11/06 by McCall/Zimmon/Gallagher/Sears
Disclaimer: The following program contains material that is guaranteed to offend somebody somewhere. Reader discretion is advised.
Theme Music: They’re not in tune with nature
They’re not in tune with Zen
We thought they finally went away
But now they’re back again
So now for all you folks out there
Who do not have a clue
Here now is Piston McCauffey
The host of RFU…
Piston: Radio Free Urine is on the air! Hello to all you folks out there in radio land, this is your old friend, Piston McCauffey, coming to you from the big building with the statue of naked people out front.
Well despite arriving three months late at Max Jagermeister's cornfield in Trufant, Michigan for the Woodcock Festival, an estimated 30-35 hard core Paulieheads were treated to the first live performance by The Paulie Family since the ill-fated Trailer Parks, Whorehouses, and Donkey Bars tour of 2004.
And what a performance it was as the band performed all of their fan favorites such as When I Throw Up To Be A Man, Crop Circle, I Smoke, Northeast Portland Sunday; Barf, Barf, Barf; Plastic Fantastic Whoopie Cushion, Olives In The Shower Drain, No More Trees To Whiz On, Cesspool 61, Stumblin’ Drunk, Whiz And Let Dry, Sweaty Betty, There is A Full Beer, Octopus’ Outhouse, Hey Bull Dyke, Toilet In The Sky, I Didn’t Vomit In Your Rose Garden, Mama Don’t Make Me Pee Sitting Down, and All My Urine before coming back out for an encore and performing their newest song. Speaking of which, let’s take a look at this week’s Top 10 Pillboard Chart:
1. Rudolph The Big Schlonged Reindeer by The Paulie Family
2. Suzy Spew by Credence Beerwater Regurgitation
3. Welcome To The Latrine by Stink Floyd
4. If You’re Blowing In San Francisco (Be Sure To Wear Boogers In Your Hair) by Snot McKenzie
5. Valium by The Junkees
6. El Gaso by Farty Robbins
7. Logs Roll (Where My Rosemary Goes) by Edison Outhouse
8. Happy Crack by The Pooh
9. No More Beers by Wizzy Wizbourne
10. Blow Jimmy by The Grateful Head
And that’s right folks, The Paulie Family is back with another #1 song, and let’s listen to it now…
Music: Rudolph The Big Schlonged Reindeer (Sung to the tune of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer by Gene Autry)
Rudolph the big schlonged reindeer
Had a really great big schlong
And if you ever saw it
You would say it’s three feet long.
All of the other reindeer
Were insecure and nervous wrecks
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer sex.
Then one soggy Christmas Eve Santa came to say
“Rudolph with your schlong so big
Make me squeal like a pig.”
Then all the reindeer loved him
As they shouted their applause
“Rudolph the big schlonged reindeer
You poopchuted Santa Claus!”
Piston: And there you have it folks, the new number one song by The Paulie Family getting us all jazzed up for the Christmas season! Well as you all know by now, The Paulie Family is currently on the Scottish leg of their tour. So let’s go now to our On-The- Spot Reporter, Anita Bier. Come in, Anita Bier…
Anita: Piston I’m here now in Edinburgh, Scotland with Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon. Paul, I can’t help noticing that you’re sporting a new look.
(For those of you listening at home, Paul is wearing a Sergeant Pooper’s Lonely Farts Club Band uniform, just like The Dung Beetles, and his hair has gone from the Roy Orifice look to the Moe Howard look.)
Paul: That’s right, I decided that since the idea of changing my name failed so miserably that I’d take it out on the rest of the band by forcing them to wear uniforms and changing their hairstyles to look like Moe Howard.
Anita: And how is the rest of the band taking this?
Paul: Oh they’re all for the new look, yessiree, everybody’s behind me on this one for once.
Anita: Even Tracy?
Paul: Well he wasn’t exactly at the meeting when we voted on it.
Anita: What do you mean he wasn’t exactly at the meeting?
Paul: Well he was busy bailing Enos McPenis out of jail.
Anita: But isn’t Edinburgh Enos’ home town?
Paul: Well yeah, but apparently there’s a very good reason why they nicknamed him “The Mad Flasher of Edinburgh”, and they still had a warrant out for him.
Anita: So Enos wasn’t at the meeting either?
Paul: No.
Anita: So he didn’t get to vote either?
Paul: No.
Anita: So who all was at the meeting?
Paul: Just me actually.
Anita: You were the only one at the meeting?
Paul: Hey, I posted a memo about it…
(It just so happens that Paul and Anita are standing outside of a barber shop, and The Brass Bras have just exited sporting their new uniforms and Moe Howard haircuts.)
Paul: Ah, here they are now! Well, what do you think?
Anita: Aren’t those the same uniforms that The Dung Beetles wore on the Sergeant Pooper’s Lonely Farts Club Band album?
(The Brass Bras give Paul a dirty look.)
Raisin: YOU MEAN WE GOT THESE STUPID HAIRCUTS FOR NOTHING???!!!
Helena & AB: YOU BASTARD!!!
(Paul pulls off his new uniform coat, throws it to the ground and begins stomping up and down on it.)
Paul: GODDAMNIT, WHY ARE PEOPLE ALWAYS STEALING MY IDEAS???!!!
(Tracy and Tim come walking up, both wearing their new uniforms and looking very disgruntled. They both pull off their hats to reveal their ever receding hairlines.)
Tracy: AND JUST HOW IN THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO MAKE OUR HAIR LOOK LIKE MOE HOWARD???!!! Oh sure, Larry Fine maybe… BUT MOE HOWARD???!!!
(Before Paul has a chance to respond to anyone, Enos walks up wearing his new uniform.)
Enos: Hey Paul, great idea on the uniforms! I just love the long coats!
(Enos opens his new uniform coat and reveals exactly why he earned the nickname “The Mad Flasher Of Edinburgh”. A woman pushing a baby stroller witnesses the scene and begins screaming for the police.)
Enos: Whoops, I think I’d better be going… Ah, it’s great to be back home!
(Tracy gives Paul an angry look.)
Tracy: AND YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING???!!! IF HE GETS ARRESTED AGAIN YOU’RE PAYING TO BAIL HIM OUT!!!
Paul: JUST A DARN TOOTIN’ MINUTE!!! WHO DIED AND LEFT YOU IN CHARGE???!!!
Tracy: YOU DID TWO YEARS AGO, DON’T YOU REMEMBER???!!!
Paul: NO I DON’T REMEMBER, AND ANYWAY I’M NOT DEAD ANYMORE SO I’M IN CHARGE!!!
(The Brass Bras now give Paul an angry look.)
Raisin: Wait a minute, you said Tracy was in charge and these stupid uniforms and haircuts were his idea!
Helena & AB: Yeah!
(Tim, not wanting to see Paul lynched by his own band, decides to step in.)
Tim: Okay now, let’s all calm down. We have a show to do tonight and we…
Tracy: Shut up and go manage the roads fatso!
(Tim is completely caught off guard because he’s plainly skinnier than Tracy. But rather than try to match wits with Tracy he decides that maybe Paul getting lynched by his own band isn’t such a bad idea after all. Meanwhile, the sound of sirens, police whistles, dogs barking, and gunfire can be heard as Enos comes charging around the corner, his uniform coat still unbuttoned and his Uncle Jimmy and the twins waving in the breeze.)
Enos: I think we’d better be off to the show now!
Tim: But the show doesn’t start for another four hours.
Enos: In that case, I’ll be in the bus!
(Enos cuts around the corner and heads off in the direction of the tour bus up the street just as several burly looking policemen with guns drawn and a pack of angry German Shepherds comes around the corner. They see everybody wearing the same uniforms as Enos.)
Cop: Pardon me, have any of you seen a bloke with the same kind of uniform as yours but nothing on underneath come by this way?
Tracy: Uuuuuuuh… No.
Cop: Oh bloody hell!
(The cops, guns, and dogs all take off in a different direction.)
Paul: Whew, that was close! Well now that that’s all over…
Raisin: Just a minute, you lied to us and we got these stupid haircuts because of it!
Helena & AB: Yeah!
(The Brass Bras begin pummeling Paul to the ground just as JD comes walking out of the barber shop in his new uniform and haircut. Oddly enough, he actually looks good that way.)
JD: Hey Paul, great idea on the uniforms and haircuts. I feel like a new man!
(Paul doesn’t answer as he’s busy guarding his groin. JD, seeing The Brass Bras with their new uniforms and haircuts, and always having had a thing for Raisin, decides to pay them a compliment.)
JD: Ladies, why don’t I take you all on a sight seeing tour?
(Raisin, seeing that JD isn’t guarding his groin, and having never liked JD since the first time they met because he laughed at her name, delivers a well placed knee to JD’s groin.)
Raisin: Why don’t you just watch the stars come out… BY YOURSELF!!!
(Meanwhile, Tracy and Tim, neither of which were too hip on the idea of wearing uniforms in the first place, remove their coats and toss them into the nearby alley where they’re soon retrieved by the local homeless people.)
Tracy: There, now I feel better. How about you?
Tim: What if he’d made us wear Moe Howard wigs?
Tracy: I suppose we could’ve always set him on fire.
(Meanwhile, Anita Bier is still standing by.)
Anita: Tracy, what are your thoughts on the current tour?
Tracy: That reminds me…
(Tracy turns to Tim.)
Tracy: HOW COULD YOU SCHEDULE A SHOW IN SCOTLAND WHEN ENOS IS STILL WANTED HERE FOR INDECENT EXPOSURE???!!!
Tim: Well I thought it was all part of the act, y’know, everybody has a funny nickname and all that.
Tracy: I’ll tell you one more time… WE’RE NOT ACTORS!!!
Anita: So where will the next stop be on the tour?
Tracy: Beats me… Tell her where the next show is going to be, Tim.
Tim: Paris, France at the beautiful Palais Omnisports, near the…
Tracy: PARIS, FRANCE???!!! ARE YOU CRAZY???!!! DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME WE WERE IN FRANCE???!!!
Tim: No.
Tracy: Didn’t I tell you to read the Lost Episodes?
Tim: Yes.
Tracy: And?
Tim: I couldn’t find them.
(There is now a flashback sequence to the ill-fated European Tour of 2000. The scene takes us to a hospital room in Paris, France where we find Paul in a hospital bed wearing a body cast and answering a question from Anita Bier…)
Paul: And then they asked me if I wanted a catheter, well I thought they were offering me a shot of the local brandy or cognac so I said “Sure, make it a double...”
(We now return to the present.)
Anita: So does this mean the band won’t be performing in France?
Tracy: NO!!!
Tim: No problem, I’ll cancel that show we’ll go straight to Berlin, Germany.
Tracy: Why Berlin?
Tim: Because I’m the Road Manager, and I’ve always wanted to make the Autobahn more shiny and manageable.
(Meanwhile, The Brass Bras have finished beating Paul to a pulp and have headed back to the tour bus. Paul lies bruised and bleeding next to JD, who is still holding his swollen scrotum.)
JD: My balls hurt!
Paul: Serves you right for e-mailing me all that kiddie porn!
JD: What are you talking about? She had a moustache.
Paul: She was Jewish you idiot! They all have moustaches by that age!
Anita: Well there you have it, Piston. The Paulie Family is playing in Edinburgh tonight, and then it’s on to Berlin! Back to you.
Piston: Thank you, Anita Bier! Well folks, it looks like that’s all the time we have for today’s show, so be sure to join us here again next time for Radio Free Urine!
THE END
Credits: Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter
Attorney at Log
Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon
Band Leader, Lead and Rhythm Guitars,
Script Ideas.
Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher
Road Manager, Script Ideas.
JD (Don’t Know What The D Stands For) Sears
Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, Conga Player,
Script Ideas.
Also appearing were Enos (The Mad Flasher of Edinburgh) McPenis and The Brass Bras (Raisin Blisters, Anita Bonghit, and Helena Bucket).
Disclaimer: The following program contains material that is guaranteed to offend somebody somewhere. Reader discretion is advised.
Theme Music: They’re not in tune with nature
They’re not in tune with Zen
We thought they finally went away
But now they’re back again
So now for all you folks out there
Who do not have a clue
Here now is Piston McCauffey
The host of RFU…
Piston: Radio Free Urine is on the air! Hello to all you folks out there in radio land, this is your old friend, Piston McCauffey, coming to you from the big building with the statue of naked people out front.
Well despite arriving three months late at Max Jagermeister's cornfield in Trufant, Michigan for the Woodcock Festival, an estimated 30-35 hard core Paulieheads were treated to the first live performance by The Paulie Family since the ill-fated Trailer Parks, Whorehouses, and Donkey Bars tour of 2004.
And what a performance it was as the band performed all of their fan favorites such as When I Throw Up To Be A Man, Crop Circle, I Smoke, Northeast Portland Sunday; Barf, Barf, Barf; Plastic Fantastic Whoopie Cushion, Olives In The Shower Drain, No More Trees To Whiz On, Cesspool 61, Stumblin’ Drunk, Whiz And Let Dry, Sweaty Betty, There is A Full Beer, Octopus’ Outhouse, Hey Bull Dyke, Toilet In The Sky, I Didn’t Vomit In Your Rose Garden, Mama Don’t Make Me Pee Sitting Down, and All My Urine before coming back out for an encore and performing their newest song. Speaking of which, let’s take a look at this week’s Top 10 Pillboard Chart:
1. Rudolph The Big Schlonged Reindeer by The Paulie Family
2. Suzy Spew by Credence Beerwater Regurgitation
3. Welcome To The Latrine by Stink Floyd
4. If You’re Blowing In San Francisco (Be Sure To Wear Boogers In Your Hair) by Snot McKenzie
5. Valium by The Junkees
6. El Gaso by Farty Robbins
7. Logs Roll (Where My Rosemary Goes) by Edison Outhouse
8. Happy Crack by The Pooh
9. No More Beers by Wizzy Wizbourne
10. Blow Jimmy by The Grateful Head
And that’s right folks, The Paulie Family is back with another #1 song, and let’s listen to it now…
Music: Rudolph The Big Schlonged Reindeer (Sung to the tune of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer by Gene Autry)
Rudolph the big schlonged reindeer
Had a really great big schlong
And if you ever saw it
You would say it’s three feet long.
All of the other reindeer
Were insecure and nervous wrecks
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer sex.
Then one soggy Christmas Eve Santa came to say
“Rudolph with your schlong so big
Make me squeal like a pig.”
Then all the reindeer loved him
As they shouted their applause
“Rudolph the big schlonged reindeer
You poopchuted Santa Claus!”
Piston: And there you have it folks, the new number one song by The Paulie Family getting us all jazzed up for the Christmas season! Well as you all know by now, The Paulie Family is currently on the Scottish leg of their tour. So let’s go now to our On-The- Spot Reporter, Anita Bier. Come in, Anita Bier…
Anita: Piston I’m here now in Edinburgh, Scotland with Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon. Paul, I can’t help noticing that you’re sporting a new look.
(For those of you listening at home, Paul is wearing a Sergeant Pooper’s Lonely Farts Club Band uniform, just like The Dung Beetles, and his hair has gone from the Roy Orifice look to the Moe Howard look.)
Paul: That’s right, I decided that since the idea of changing my name failed so miserably that I’d take it out on the rest of the band by forcing them to wear uniforms and changing their hairstyles to look like Moe Howard.
Anita: And how is the rest of the band taking this?
Paul: Oh they’re all for the new look, yessiree, everybody’s behind me on this one for once.
Anita: Even Tracy?
Paul: Well he wasn’t exactly at the meeting when we voted on it.
Anita: What do you mean he wasn’t exactly at the meeting?
Paul: Well he was busy bailing Enos McPenis out of jail.
Anita: But isn’t Edinburgh Enos’ home town?
Paul: Well yeah, but apparently there’s a very good reason why they nicknamed him “The Mad Flasher of Edinburgh”, and they still had a warrant out for him.
Anita: So Enos wasn’t at the meeting either?
Paul: No.
Anita: So he didn’t get to vote either?
Paul: No.
Anita: So who all was at the meeting?
Paul: Just me actually.
Anita: You were the only one at the meeting?
Paul: Hey, I posted a memo about it…
(It just so happens that Paul and Anita are standing outside of a barber shop, and The Brass Bras have just exited sporting their new uniforms and Moe Howard haircuts.)
Paul: Ah, here they are now! Well, what do you think?
Anita: Aren’t those the same uniforms that The Dung Beetles wore on the Sergeant Pooper’s Lonely Farts Club Band album?
(The Brass Bras give Paul a dirty look.)
Raisin: YOU MEAN WE GOT THESE STUPID HAIRCUTS FOR NOTHING???!!!
Helena & AB: YOU BASTARD!!!
(Paul pulls off his new uniform coat, throws it to the ground and begins stomping up and down on it.)
Paul: GODDAMNIT, WHY ARE PEOPLE ALWAYS STEALING MY IDEAS???!!!
(Tracy and Tim come walking up, both wearing their new uniforms and looking very disgruntled. They both pull off their hats to reveal their ever receding hairlines.)
Tracy: AND JUST HOW IN THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO MAKE OUR HAIR LOOK LIKE MOE HOWARD???!!! Oh sure, Larry Fine maybe… BUT MOE HOWARD???!!!
(Before Paul has a chance to respond to anyone, Enos walks up wearing his new uniform.)
Enos: Hey Paul, great idea on the uniforms! I just love the long coats!
(Enos opens his new uniform coat and reveals exactly why he earned the nickname “The Mad Flasher Of Edinburgh”. A woman pushing a baby stroller witnesses the scene and begins screaming for the police.)
Enos: Whoops, I think I’d better be going… Ah, it’s great to be back home!
(Tracy gives Paul an angry look.)
Tracy: AND YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING???!!! IF HE GETS ARRESTED AGAIN YOU’RE PAYING TO BAIL HIM OUT!!!
Paul: JUST A DARN TOOTIN’ MINUTE!!! WHO DIED AND LEFT YOU IN CHARGE???!!!
Tracy: YOU DID TWO YEARS AGO, DON’T YOU REMEMBER???!!!
Paul: NO I DON’T REMEMBER, AND ANYWAY I’M NOT DEAD ANYMORE SO I’M IN CHARGE!!!
(The Brass Bras now give Paul an angry look.)
Raisin: Wait a minute, you said Tracy was in charge and these stupid uniforms and haircuts were his idea!
Helena & AB: Yeah!
(Tim, not wanting to see Paul lynched by his own band, decides to step in.)
Tim: Okay now, let’s all calm down. We have a show to do tonight and we…
Tracy: Shut up and go manage the roads fatso!
(Tim is completely caught off guard because he’s plainly skinnier than Tracy. But rather than try to match wits with Tracy he decides that maybe Paul getting lynched by his own band isn’t such a bad idea after all. Meanwhile, the sound of sirens, police whistles, dogs barking, and gunfire can be heard as Enos comes charging around the corner, his uniform coat still unbuttoned and his Uncle Jimmy and the twins waving in the breeze.)
Enos: I think we’d better be off to the show now!
Tim: But the show doesn’t start for another four hours.
Enos: In that case, I’ll be in the bus!
(Enos cuts around the corner and heads off in the direction of the tour bus up the street just as several burly looking policemen with guns drawn and a pack of angry German Shepherds comes around the corner. They see everybody wearing the same uniforms as Enos.)
Cop: Pardon me, have any of you seen a bloke with the same kind of uniform as yours but nothing on underneath come by this way?
Tracy: Uuuuuuuh… No.
Cop: Oh bloody hell!
(The cops, guns, and dogs all take off in a different direction.)
Paul: Whew, that was close! Well now that that’s all over…
Raisin: Just a minute, you lied to us and we got these stupid haircuts because of it!
Helena & AB: Yeah!
(The Brass Bras begin pummeling Paul to the ground just as JD comes walking out of the barber shop in his new uniform and haircut. Oddly enough, he actually looks good that way.)
JD: Hey Paul, great idea on the uniforms and haircuts. I feel like a new man!
(Paul doesn’t answer as he’s busy guarding his groin. JD, seeing The Brass Bras with their new uniforms and haircuts, and always having had a thing for Raisin, decides to pay them a compliment.)
JD: Ladies, why don’t I take you all on a sight seeing tour?
(Raisin, seeing that JD isn’t guarding his groin, and having never liked JD since the first time they met because he laughed at her name, delivers a well placed knee to JD’s groin.)
Raisin: Why don’t you just watch the stars come out… BY YOURSELF!!!
(Meanwhile, Tracy and Tim, neither of which were too hip on the idea of wearing uniforms in the first place, remove their coats and toss them into the nearby alley where they’re soon retrieved by the local homeless people.)
Tracy: There, now I feel better. How about you?
Tim: What if he’d made us wear Moe Howard wigs?
Tracy: I suppose we could’ve always set him on fire.
(Meanwhile, Anita Bier is still standing by.)
Anita: Tracy, what are your thoughts on the current tour?
Tracy: That reminds me…
(Tracy turns to Tim.)
Tracy: HOW COULD YOU SCHEDULE A SHOW IN SCOTLAND WHEN ENOS IS STILL WANTED HERE FOR INDECENT EXPOSURE???!!!
Tim: Well I thought it was all part of the act, y’know, everybody has a funny nickname and all that.
Tracy: I’ll tell you one more time… WE’RE NOT ACTORS!!!
Anita: So where will the next stop be on the tour?
Tracy: Beats me… Tell her where the next show is going to be, Tim.
Tim: Paris, France at the beautiful Palais Omnisports, near the…
Tracy: PARIS, FRANCE???!!! ARE YOU CRAZY???!!! DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME WE WERE IN FRANCE???!!!
Tim: No.
Tracy: Didn’t I tell you to read the Lost Episodes?
Tim: Yes.
Tracy: And?
Tim: I couldn’t find them.
(There is now a flashback sequence to the ill-fated European Tour of 2000. The scene takes us to a hospital room in Paris, France where we find Paul in a hospital bed wearing a body cast and answering a question from Anita Bier…)
Paul: And then they asked me if I wanted a catheter, well I thought they were offering me a shot of the local brandy or cognac so I said “Sure, make it a double...”
(We now return to the present.)
Anita: So does this mean the band won’t be performing in France?
Tracy: NO!!!
Tim: No problem, I’ll cancel that show we’ll go straight to Berlin, Germany.
Tracy: Why Berlin?
Tim: Because I’m the Road Manager, and I’ve always wanted to make the Autobahn more shiny and manageable.
(Meanwhile, The Brass Bras have finished beating Paul to a pulp and have headed back to the tour bus. Paul lies bruised and bleeding next to JD, who is still holding his swollen scrotum.)
JD: My balls hurt!
Paul: Serves you right for e-mailing me all that kiddie porn!
JD: What are you talking about? She had a moustache.
Paul: She was Jewish you idiot! They all have moustaches by that age!
Anita: Well there you have it, Piston. The Paulie Family is playing in Edinburgh tonight, and then it’s on to Berlin! Back to you.
Piston: Thank you, Anita Bier! Well folks, it looks like that’s all the time we have for today’s show, so be sure to join us here again next time for Radio Free Urine!
THE END
Credits: Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter
Attorney at Log
Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon
Band Leader, Lead and Rhythm Guitars,
Script Ideas.
Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher
Road Manager, Script Ideas.
JD (Don’t Know What The D Stands For) Sears
Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, Conga Player,
Script Ideas.
Also appearing were Enos (The Mad Flasher of Edinburgh) McPenis and The Brass Bras (Raisin Blisters, Anita Bonghit, and Helena Bucket).
posted by The Paulie Family at 4:18 PM
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