RFU 4-06

RFU 4-06 Copyright 5/06 by McCall/Zimmon/Gallagher



Disclaimer: The following program contains material that is guaranteed to offend somebody somewhere. Reader discretion is advised.

Theme Music: They’re not in tune with nature
They’re not in tune with Zen
We thought they finally went away
But now they’re back again
So now for all you folks out there
Who do not have a clue
Here now is Piston McCauffey
The host of RFU…

Piston: Radio Free Urine is on the air! Hello to all you folks out there in radio land, this is your old friend, Piston McCauffey, coming to you from the big building with the statue of naked people out front.

Well on the last show the famous Paulie Family Tour Bus had sank to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean off the coast of Oregon, with all band members aboard, while demonstrating the bus’s new submarine features. This is the worst Paulie Family Tour Bus disaster since the original, smaller tour bus sank to the bottom of the English Channel after Paulie Family Bandleader, Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon drove it off of a ferry in an attempt to prove that he could drive the tour bus as well as anybody else during the ill-fated European tour of 1999.

A distress call was sent out to both the Coast Guard and the Navy, however, neither branch of the armed forces was able to help because no country on the planet has a ship big enough to lift or tow a Tour Bus of that size while it’s full of water, let alone while it’s empty.

However, the Paulie Family, always determined to make the best of a bad situation has taken advantage of their underwater isolation by using the quality time together to continue recording new songs, speaking of which, let’s take a look at this week’s Top 10 Pillboard Chart:

1. Hey Bull Dyke by The Paulie Family
2. I Poopchuted The Sheriff by Eric Crapton
3. Hot Log Stinkin’ by Commander Commode & His Least Favorite Air Fresheners
4. Rye Time by The Grateful Bread
5. One Flush Over The Line by Sewer & Slippery
6. Loud Mary by The Dyke & Weiner Burner Review
7. Beat Her Like A Lady by The Cornelius Brothers & Sister Bloody Nose
8. Daddy Don’t You Wank So Fast by Wang Newton
9. Easy Whizzin’ by Urinal Heep
10. The Ugliest Girl In The Whole USA by Donna Fido

And that’s right folks, The Paulie Family has yet another #1 song, and let’s listen to it now…

Music: Hey Bull Dyke (Sung to the tune of Hey Bulldog by The Beatles)

Dog face
Waiting for the bus
Bad case
Acne full of puss
Your face of ugliness is standing out on you
Like it caught on fire and got beat out by a track shoe.

Man-like
In athletic socks
Worn with
Ugly Birkenstocks
Your heavy ass sure leaves deep footprints in the soil
If you wore high heels you would probably strike oil.

Please don't sit by me
Please don't sit by me
Please don't sit by me
You're so ugly, please don't sit by me.

Hey yeah... Yahoo!

Nose ring
In your bloody nose
It bleeds
All over your clothes
You didn't think that it would make you look so fierce
You should've thought of that before you got it pierced.

Please don't sit by me
Please don't sit by me
Please don't sit by me
You're so ugly, please don't sit by me.

Hey Bull dyke! Hey Bull dyke!
Hey Bull dyke! Hey Bull dyke!

Wahoo, woof woof...

Hey man, what's that noise?

Belch!

What'd you say?

I said... Belch!

Do you have anymore?

BEEEEELLLLCCCCHHHH... WOOHOO!

That's it! You got it! That's great, man
One more time now let me have it...

BEEEEELLLLCCCCHHHHAAAAHAAAA...
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

That's enough, man now shutup!

Okay

Hey Bull dyke!
Hey Bull dyke!

Piston: And there you have it folks, the new number one song by The Paulie Family! Well also trapped on the Paulie Family Tour Bus is our own on the spot reporter, Anita Bier. Let’s see if we can still reach her… Come in, Anita Bier!

Anita: Piston, it’s a miracle that we’re still alive down here…

(Meanwhile, in the background the following argument is taking place.)

Paul: I WANT THOSE SPERM WHALES OUT OF MY BED, NOW!!!

Tracy: WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR???!!! I TOLD YOU NOT TO LEAVE KRILL AND PLANKTON LYING AROUND IN YOUR ROOM!!!

Paul: DON’T YOU TRY TO PIN THIS ONE ON ME!!! NOW GET ME A STATUS REPORT!!!

(Tracy gets on the intercom.)

Tracy: Damage Control, report please.

Enos: AYE I’VE GOT CRABS UNDER MY KILT!!!

JD: The pool appears to be draining again, is that a good sign?

Tim: This is your reluctant Cruise Director speaking, we are now serving Peanut Butter and Jellyfish sandwiches in the galley.

Raisin: Why is the tap water so salty?

(Paul, seeing that no serious danger is imminent, returns to yelling at Tracy.)

Paul: AND WHERE’S THAT DAMN TOW TRUCK???!!! I CALLED THEM OVER AN HOUR AGO!!!

Tracy: He’s parked on the beach looking for us.

Paul: WELL HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO FIND US???!!! HOW MANY TOUR BUSES ARE PARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN???!!!

Tracy: A freakin’ Aircraft Carrier couldn’t pull us out of here, what makes you think a tow truck can?

Paul: Isn’t their motto “Neither rain, nor snow, nor the Pacific Ocean will stop us from making our appointed rounds?”

Tracy: No, that’s the Post Office.

Paul: Well maybe we should call them.

Tracy: Only if we need firearms.

(Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door of the Tour Bus.)

Paul: Who in the hell is knocking on the door at this time of night?

Tracy: It’s 2:00 in the afternoon.

Paul: Then why is it so dark outside?

Tracy: Because we’re 12,000 feet underwater.

(Paul goes to the door.)

Paul: WHO IS IT???!!!

Voice: Registered mail, you’ll have to sign for it.

Paul: Okay, hold on a second the door’s locked!

(Paul fumbles with the door lock until he finally gets it unlocked. He pulls open the door to find a Mailman standing up to his knees in mud, bright sunshine beaming down on him, and no ocean in sight.)

Paul: Wow, the sun sure rises fast down here! What do you want?

Mailman: I have a registered letter for Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon.

Paul: That’s me.

Mailman: Sign here please.

(Paul signs for the letter then opens it and proceeds to read it out loud.)

Paul: Dear Mr. Refuses To Have A Nickname Zimmon, this is to inform you that we are filing a lawsuit against you and Paulie Family Productions for the theft of the Pacific Ocean, which our fine beachside resorts depend on year-round for tourism. We hereby demand a total sum of $900 Gazillion dollars for restitution, please remit immediately. Sincerely, Phil Itbakup, State of Hawaii Chamber of Commerce… AAAAAAAARRRRGH!!! WHERE’S MY ATTORNEY AT LOG???!!!

Tracy: Problem?

Paul: I’LL SAY THERE’S A PROBLEM!!! I’M BEING SUED FOR $900 GAZILLION DOLLARS!!! NOW WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT???!!!

(Tracy calmly gets back on the intercom.)

Tracy: Ray, you can drive us back to shore now.

Ray: Does this mean we’re not going to Australia?

Tracy: It appears we’ll have to work out a few problems with the submarine features first.

(Meanwhile, Anita Bier, who’s been quiet all this time due the shock of the sight of a missing ocean, finally composes herself.)

Anita: Tracy, how do you explain the fact that the entire Pacific Ocean is missing?

Tracy: Well it’s simple really, the four-dimensional interior of the Tour Bus has basically absorbed the entire ocean.

Anita: Yes, of course… That is pretty simple.

(Anita has no idea what Tracy is talking about, but she knows better than to ask for a more detailed explanation. Meanwhile, Paulie Family Tour Bus driver, Ray “Gaseous” Clay drives the Tour Bus back to the shore of Seaside, Oregon, where a cheering crowd awaits. The door to the Paulie Family Tour Bus opens and the Pacific Ocean begins spilling out back into its basin. Meanwhile, back in the RFU studios, Piston is watching the AP Wire Service.)

Piston: Anita, if you’re listening I’m getting reports from all over the Pacific Rim that beachside resorts from Hawaii to Tahiti are filing lawsuits against The Paulie Family over the loss of their ocean! Can you find out what The Paulie Family is planning to do about it?

Anita: Sure Piston, with me right now is Paulie Family Attorney at Log, Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall… Tracy, how are you planning to address all of these lawsuits against The Paulie Family?

Tracy: Well Jeez Louise, Anita… It’s not like we actually stole the Pacific Ocean, and as you can plainly see by all of the water rushing out of the Tour Bus that we’re putting it back, so I don’t see what the problem is!

Anita: Yes, I guess it is pretty obvious that things are being put back the way they were…

(Suddenly, Paul falls out of the bus entangled by a drift net.)

Paul: SOMEBODY GET THIS DAMN THING OFF OF ME!!!

(Tracy quickly produces a large switchblade and begins cutting Paul free.)

Paul: WATCH IT WITH THAT KNIFE, YOU MANIAC!!!

Tracy: SHUTUP FATSO, I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU!!!

(With Paul’s health improving he’s begun to put weight back on again, and once again Tracy has regained the confidence to resume calling Paul “Fatso” during their frequent quarrels. Meanwhile, Tim “Has Too Many Nicknames” Gallagher steps off of the bus.)

Anita: And here now is the Paulie Family Road Manager, Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher. Tim, this road trip must have been a terrible disappointment for you.

Tim: Not really, I was against the idea from the start. I mean really… A Tour Bus that converts into a submarine and attempting to drive all the way to Australia?

Anita: Well as the Road Manager, what’s the next gig for The Paulie Family?

Tim: I got us a booking in Max Jagermeister's cornfield in Trufant, Michigan. The date is not completely nailed down but it's got to be sometime before the first plowing. We're calling it "Woodcock '06." The symbol is going to be a woodcock perched on a pitchfork handle. "Make Hay in the Springtime!" That's the logo. Whatdda ya think?

Paul: What in the hell is he talking about?

Tracy: How should I know? You hired him.

Tim: We're gonna film the whole thing. Our advertising blitz is going to be directed toward Naturalist communities throughout the Americas and Europe to make sure there are plenty of naked people.

Paul: What sort of naked people?

Tim: What do you mean?

Paul: Well there is such a thing as people who shouldn’t be seen naked!

Tim: The promoters have started to line up bands including a guy who looks a lot like Jimi Hendrix, except he's white, 68 years old, and kind of bald. He says he can play guitar real good, though, and is planning to get a bass player and drummer before the gig.

Paul: Why isn’t he answering my question?

Tracy: Aw leave him alone, it’s not often he gets the chance to ramble like this.

Tim: Sylvester and the Family Mausoleum is considering. You've probably heard their new song about frustrated male nerds, "I Want to Make You Dryer." Hamburger Joe McDonalds has committed. Man I can just see him leading a huge crowd of naked people in his "Fish Sandwich Jeer!" And the British group Why may come and do some songs from their rock opera about a daft, dumb and nearsighted kid who's so good at video games that people think he's God.

Anita: Wow, that sounds like it will be quite a happening! Well it looks like everything is back to normal now for The Paulie Family, so back to you Piston!

Piston: Thank you, Anita Bier. Well folks, it looks like that’s all the time we have for today’s show, so be sure to join us here again next time for Radio Free Urine!

THE END

Credits: Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter
Attorney at Log

Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon
Band Leader, Lead and Rhythm Guitars,
Script Ideas.

Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher
Road Manager, Script Ideas, Additional Material.

JD (Don’t Know What The D Stands For) Sears
Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, Conga Player,
Script Ideas.

Also appearing were Anita Bier, Enos (The Mad Flasher of Edinburgh) McPenis, Ray (Gaseous) Clay, and Raisin Blisters.

Cards and Letters to the Editor

Cards and Letters to the Editor

Ever since we started this blog I’ve been inundated with cards and letters from fans complaining that they don’t have computers to write in with, and apparently they don’t have phones either so they’re unable to call in during episodes of RFU. Nobody has been more surprised than me on this because I genuinely didn’t realize we had that many fans.

And so, here is a new feature to the program called Cards and Letters to the Editor. Our very first letter comes to us from Dick Handy of Wankers Corner, Oregon, who writes in and says:

“Dear Editor,

I’ve lived in Wankers Corner, Oregon all of my life. It may seem like a strange place to visitors, but you get the feel of it after awhile. The problem is this: Wankers is actually pronounced “Wonkers”, but tourists seem to travel from miles around just to have their picture taken next to a sign that says “Welcome to Wankers Corner.”

I am extremely offended by these jerk offs, but I don’t know what to do about it. Can you offer some advice?

Sincerely,

Dick Handy”

Editor’s reply:

Well Jesus Christ, Dick, quit freaking out and get a grip on yourself! Did it ever occur to the citizens of your fine city to simply change the spelling? Or could it be that the only remotely interesting tourist attraction in your fine city is that damn sign?

You may not realize this but there are cities and towns on this planet with far more funnier names than Wankers Corner. For example:

Bumbang, Victoria, Australia
Condom, France
Crap, Albania
Crotch Lake, Ontario, Canada
Cunt, Spain
Dikshit, India
Dildo, Trinity Bay, Newfoundland
Erect, North Carolina
Fucking, Austria
Gayville, South Dakota
Horneytown, North Carolina
Intercourse, Pennsylvania
Phuket, Thailand
Semen, Bulgaria
Shit, Iran
Sugar Tit, South Carolina
Twatt, Scotland
Vagina, Russia

So you see Dick, no matter how you pronounce it, Wankers Corner is far from the most embarrassing name for a city or town. In fact, you might want to consider just how silly sounding your own name is before you go bitching about the name of your city.

I am curious though, is there a high school in Wankers Corner, and if so, what is their football team named? I can just hear it now… “…and the Spanking Monkeys are now taking the field…” And by any chance is the local theater showing that Bruce Lee movie, Fists of Fury?

Thank you for your letter.

Sincerely,

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

The Blood & Bath Movie Review

Ravenous (1999, USA)

Directed by Antonia Bird

This is one of the most delightfully creepy movies I’ve ever seen. This movie is dark comedy at its finest. This movie also proves that female directors are capable of directing some pretty damn good movies, although at the moment I can’t think of another example.

Ravenous takes place in 1847. After disgracing himself during the Mexican-American war, Captain John Boyd (played by Guy Pearce) finds himself banished to a remote military outpost in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. There he finds himself surrounded by some rather odd characters, although for 1847 they might have been considered perfectly normal. Everything is going fine, and then one day a man named Colqhoun (played by Robert Carlyle) shows up at the fort half starved and half frozen to death.

After nursing him back to health Colqhoun begins to tell the tale of how he got there. In the spirit of the Donner Party, Colqhoun and a group of settlers find themselves trapped by snow in the mountains and they are forced to take refuge in a cave. As supplies quickly run out, and after eating the horses, the oxen, the dogs, their shoes, and their belts, they resort to cannibalism. Colqhoun manages to go for help and he tells the soldiers that there’s still one woman left back in the cave.

And so, the soldiers are off to the rescue with Colqhoun leading the way. But things begin to take a turn for the bizarre. There are a lot of bizarre plot twists in this movie, and they will all make you go “What the hell just happened?” right up to the incredible ending.

My favorite line in this movie was when the Commanding Officer (played by Jeremy Davies) says “It's lonely being a cannibal; it's tough making friends."

Ravenous did terribly at the box office and was pretty much dismissed by critics, but take my word for it, this is a really great movie! This movie is truly destined to become a cult classic.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions



Fritz The Cat (1972, USA)

Directed by Ralph Bakshi

Ralph Bakshi made cult movie history when he wrote and directed the first ever X-Rated cartoon in the history of Hollywood. By the modern standards of today this movie would be considered relatively tame, but for the standards of 1972 this movie created quite a sensation.

Featuring the animated artwork of Robert Crumb (who created all of those Keep On Truckin’ posters back in the ‘60s & ‘70s and actually objected to his original character of Fritz The Cat being made into a movie), Fritz The Cat tells the story of a cat, named Fritz. Fritz is one horny little devil, which is one of the reasons the movie received an X Rating. Fritz has grown weary of jamming in the park with his musician friends, and wants to become more politically involved in society. And so, Fritz ventures out into the stark reality of the times.

This movie deals heavily in the social stereotypes that America still hadn’t quite shrugged off in the early ‘70s. Issues such as the Black ghettos, drug addiction, militant anarchists, and the spirit of free love and sex dominate the plot throughout the movie. And now that I think about it, I don’t really think that America ever really completely shrugged off those problems.

But don’t judge this movie solely on its social and political comments. Fritz The Cat is a genuinely funny movie, and the vivid coloration stands out against the bleak background of the ghetto streets. There’s also some interesting musical interludes.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions



The Rutles – All You Need Is Cash (1978, USA/UK)

Directed by Eric Idle & Gary Weiss

In the movie genre known as the “Mockumentary,” The Rutles – All You Need Is Cash is clearly the undisputed champion. Eric Idle and Gary Weiss joined forces to create this wonderfully hilarious parody of The Beatles. For all you die hard Beatles fans out there that have never seen this movie… you will like this movie! The entire history of how The Beatles got together, got rich together, and broke up together is painstakingly parodied in this movie.

Neil Innes made this Mockumentary even funnier by writing parodies of The Beatles songs, and he also plays Ron Nasty, the John Lennon parody, while Eric Idle plays the Paul McCartney parody.

Cameo appearances abound in this movie. Mick Jagger and Paul Simon both appear as themselves to discuss the influences that The Rutles had on their own musical careers. Ron Wood plays a Hell’s Angel. Also appearing are George Harrison, Bianca Jagger, Michael Palin, Al Franken, Tom Davis, Bill Murray, Dan Akroyd, John Belushi, Gilda Radner, and Lorne Michaels.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions



Eraserhead (1977, USA)

Directed by David Lynch

Long recognized as one of the top all-time cult films, Eraserhead is one weird movie, and I mean that in a good way. Jack Nance plays Henry Spencer, a very strange man with an equally strange hair-do. Henry lives alone in a very dreary world, which is made even more dreary by the movie being filmed in black and white.

One day Henry is invited to dinner by his ex-girlfriend, Mary. Dinner itself turns out to be even more interesting than the people gathered to eat it. Soon the reason for Henry’s invitation becomes clear, it seems his relationship with Mary has resulted in the birth of a baby, or as Mary says “The doctors aren’t sure if it is a baby.”

Henry does the honorable thing and marries Mary, and he takes her to his place to live, along with their strange looking offspring. Mary tries to be a good mother, but the baby’s non-stop mournful cries take their toll on Mary and she leaves Henry, who never seems to go to work because he’s on vacation. Henry doesn’t seem to mind. Henry is forever in a world of his own where he’s infatuated by the beautiful woman living across the hall, and the strange looking woman who appears to Henry in the radiator.

There is very little humor in this movie. In fact, it seems that the whole point of the movie is to emphasize what a dark, dreary, and surreal world we all find ourselves in whenever we’re depressed. Nevertheless, this movie is recommended to anyone who’s willing to open up their minds and explore the world of truly bizarre films.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions



The Worm Eaters (1977, USA)

Directed by Herb Robins

Those of you who actually read these reviews probably know by now that we have a tendency toward enjoying really bad movies. But every now and then I get a hold of a movie that leaves me saying “I actually paid money for this?” This is such a movie.

This movie had so much potential to be good, but alas, it turned out to be very bad, and not in a good way. Herb Robins wrote, directed, and starred in this C-Grade shlockbuster, so the majority of the blame is completely on him.

Where do I start? How about the theme song that plays during the opening credits? It’s a silly song, and it’s way too long, and if you have the misfortune of watching this movie up to the closing credits you get to hear the song again.

The actual story and plot gave this movie a chance to shine. The main character is Herman Umgar (played by Herb Robins). Herman is a worm-breeder, and takes loving care of his babies. Herman’s father was killed by the father of the mayor back in 1939. Now the mayor is trying to get a hold of Herman’s land so he can screw it up in the name of progress. Everybody knows that Herman has the deed that proves he owns half the town, but nobody can get Herman to admit it, and nobody can find the deed.

Herman begins slipping his special mutant worms into the town’s food for no apparent reason, and despite the obvious, nobody seems to notice. At least until it’s discovered that eating the worms causes you to turn into a worm. At this point I’d like to point out that the scenes of worm eating are way over done. While great effort is taken to prove that worms really are in the person’s mouth they never actually seem to get chewed or even bitten in half. And the scene of worms mixed with ice cream looks more like somebody just finished sucking the great one-eyed wonder worm.

Eventually, Herman is confronted by three fishermen who have also turned into worms, and they want Herman to create mutant worm-women for them to live with in peace under the red tide of the lake. This idea is just silly enough to keep the movie mildly interesting up to this point. However, the cheese factor in this movie is way over done. So much so that not even a bag of nacho chips would’ve helped save this movie. The plot spins out of control, the bad acting and excess cheese factor just gets worse and worse, and then all of a sudden the movie ends in a less than spectacular way, leaving the viewer to say “What the hell?”

This movie is so bad that it’s almost comparable to The Ice Cream Man starring Clint Howard, but that movie had a bigger budget and washed up actors.

Rating: No thumb anywhere near the butt.

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions