RFU 4-06
RFU 4-06 Copyright 5/06 by McCall/Zimmon/Gallagher
Disclaimer: The following program contains material that is guaranteed to offend somebody somewhere. Reader discretion is advised.
Theme Music: They’re not in tune with nature
They’re not in tune with Zen
We thought they finally went away
But now they’re back again
So now for all you folks out there
Who do not have a clue
Here now is Piston McCauffey
The host of RFU…
Piston: Radio Free Urine is on the air! Hello to all you folks out there in radio land, this is your old friend, Piston McCauffey, coming to you from the big building with the statue of naked people out front.
Well on the last show the famous Paulie Family Tour Bus had sank to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean off the coast of Oregon, with all band members aboard, while demonstrating the bus’s new submarine features. This is the worst Paulie Family Tour Bus disaster since the original, smaller tour bus sank to the bottom of the English Channel after Paulie Family Bandleader, Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon drove it off of a ferry in an attempt to prove that he could drive the tour bus as well as anybody else during the ill-fated European tour of 1999.
A distress call was sent out to both the Coast Guard and the Navy, however, neither branch of the armed forces was able to help because no country on the planet has a ship big enough to lift or tow a Tour Bus of that size while it’s full of water, let alone while it’s empty.
However, the Paulie Family, always determined to make the best of a bad situation has taken advantage of their underwater isolation by using the quality time together to continue recording new songs, speaking of which, let’s take a look at this week’s Top 10 Pillboard Chart:
1. Hey Bull Dyke by The Paulie Family
2. I Poopchuted The Sheriff by Eric Crapton
3. Hot Log Stinkin’ by Commander Commode & His Least Favorite Air Fresheners
4. Rye Time by The Grateful Bread
5. One Flush Over The Line by Sewer & Slippery
6. Loud Mary by The Dyke & Weiner Burner Review
7. Beat Her Like A Lady by The Cornelius Brothers & Sister Bloody Nose
8. Daddy Don’t You Wank So Fast by Wang Newton
9. Easy Whizzin’ by Urinal Heep
10. The Ugliest Girl In The Whole USA by Donna Fido
And that’s right folks, The Paulie Family has yet another #1 song, and let’s listen to it now…
Music: Hey Bull Dyke (Sung to the tune of Hey Bulldog by The Beatles)
Dog face
Waiting for the bus
Bad case
Acne full of puss
Your face of ugliness is standing out on you
Like it caught on fire and got beat out by a track shoe.
Man-like
In athletic socks
Worn with
Ugly Birkenstocks
Your heavy ass sure leaves deep footprints in the soil
If you wore high heels you would probably strike oil.
Please don't sit by me
Please don't sit by me
Please don't sit by me
You're so ugly, please don't sit by me.
Hey yeah... Yahoo!
Nose ring
In your bloody nose
It bleeds
All over your clothes
You didn't think that it would make you look so fierce
You should've thought of that before you got it pierced.
Please don't sit by me
Please don't sit by me
Please don't sit by me
You're so ugly, please don't sit by me.
Hey Bull dyke! Hey Bull dyke!
Hey Bull dyke! Hey Bull dyke!
Wahoo, woof woof...
Hey man, what's that noise?
Belch!
What'd you say?
I said... Belch!
Do you have anymore?
BEEEEELLLLCCCCHHHH... WOOHOO!
That's it! You got it! That's great, man
One more time now let me have it...
BEEEEELLLLCCCCHHHHAAAAHAAAA...
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
That's enough, man now shutup!
Okay
Hey Bull dyke!
Hey Bull dyke!
Piston: And there you have it folks, the new number one song by The Paulie Family! Well also trapped on the Paulie Family Tour Bus is our own on the spot reporter, Anita Bier. Let’s see if we can still reach her… Come in, Anita Bier!
Anita: Piston, it’s a miracle that we’re still alive down here…
(Meanwhile, in the background the following argument is taking place.)
Paul: I WANT THOSE SPERM WHALES OUT OF MY BED, NOW!!!
Tracy: WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR???!!! I TOLD YOU NOT TO LEAVE KRILL AND PLANKTON LYING AROUND IN YOUR ROOM!!!
Paul: DON’T YOU TRY TO PIN THIS ONE ON ME!!! NOW GET ME A STATUS REPORT!!!
(Tracy gets on the intercom.)
Tracy: Damage Control, report please.
Enos: AYE I’VE GOT CRABS UNDER MY KILT!!!
JD: The pool appears to be draining again, is that a good sign?
Tim: This is your reluctant Cruise Director speaking, we are now serving Peanut Butter and Jellyfish sandwiches in the galley.
Raisin: Why is the tap water so salty?
(Paul, seeing that no serious danger is imminent, returns to yelling at Tracy.)
Paul: AND WHERE’S THAT DAMN TOW TRUCK???!!! I CALLED THEM OVER AN HOUR AGO!!!
Tracy: He’s parked on the beach looking for us.
Paul: WELL HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO FIND US???!!! HOW MANY TOUR BUSES ARE PARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN???!!!
Tracy: A freakin’ Aircraft Carrier couldn’t pull us out of here, what makes you think a tow truck can?
Paul: Isn’t their motto “Neither rain, nor snow, nor the Pacific Ocean will stop us from making our appointed rounds?”
Tracy: No, that’s the Post Office.
Paul: Well maybe we should call them.
Tracy: Only if we need firearms.
(Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door of the Tour Bus.)
Paul: Who in the hell is knocking on the door at this time of night?
Tracy: It’s 2:00 in the afternoon.
Paul: Then why is it so dark outside?
Tracy: Because we’re 12,000 feet underwater.
(Paul goes to the door.)
Paul: WHO IS IT???!!!
Voice: Registered mail, you’ll have to sign for it.
Paul: Okay, hold on a second the door’s locked!
(Paul fumbles with the door lock until he finally gets it unlocked. He pulls open the door to find a Mailman standing up to his knees in mud, bright sunshine beaming down on him, and no ocean in sight.)
Paul: Wow, the sun sure rises fast down here! What do you want?
Mailman: I have a registered letter for Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon.
Paul: That’s me.
Mailman: Sign here please.
(Paul signs for the letter then opens it and proceeds to read it out loud.)
Paul: Dear Mr. Refuses To Have A Nickname Zimmon, this is to inform you that we are filing a lawsuit against you and Paulie Family Productions for the theft of the Pacific Ocean, which our fine beachside resorts depend on year-round for tourism. We hereby demand a total sum of $900 Gazillion dollars for restitution, please remit immediately. Sincerely, Phil Itbakup, State of Hawaii Chamber of Commerce… AAAAAAAARRRRGH!!! WHERE’S MY ATTORNEY AT LOG???!!!
Tracy: Problem?
Paul: I’LL SAY THERE’S A PROBLEM!!! I’M BEING SUED FOR $900 GAZILLION DOLLARS!!! NOW WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT???!!!
(Tracy calmly gets back on the intercom.)
Tracy: Ray, you can drive us back to shore now.
Ray: Does this mean we’re not going to Australia?
Tracy: It appears we’ll have to work out a few problems with the submarine features first.
(Meanwhile, Anita Bier, who’s been quiet all this time due the shock of the sight of a missing ocean, finally composes herself.)
Anita: Tracy, how do you explain the fact that the entire Pacific Ocean is missing?
Tracy: Well it’s simple really, the four-dimensional interior of the Tour Bus has basically absorbed the entire ocean.
Anita: Yes, of course… That is pretty simple.
(Anita has no idea what Tracy is talking about, but she knows better than to ask for a more detailed explanation. Meanwhile, Paulie Family Tour Bus driver, Ray “Gaseous” Clay drives the Tour Bus back to the shore of Seaside, Oregon, where a cheering crowd awaits. The door to the Paulie Family Tour Bus opens and the Pacific Ocean begins spilling out back into its basin. Meanwhile, back in the RFU studios, Piston is watching the AP Wire Service.)
Piston: Anita, if you’re listening I’m getting reports from all over the Pacific Rim that beachside resorts from Hawaii to Tahiti are filing lawsuits against The Paulie Family over the loss of their ocean! Can you find out what The Paulie Family is planning to do about it?
Anita: Sure Piston, with me right now is Paulie Family Attorney at Log, Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall… Tracy, how are you planning to address all of these lawsuits against The Paulie Family?
Tracy: Well Jeez Louise, Anita… It’s not like we actually stole the Pacific Ocean, and as you can plainly see by all of the water rushing out of the Tour Bus that we’re putting it back, so I don’t see what the problem is!
Anita: Yes, I guess it is pretty obvious that things are being put back the way they were…
(Suddenly, Paul falls out of the bus entangled by a drift net.)
Paul: SOMEBODY GET THIS DAMN THING OFF OF ME!!!
(Tracy quickly produces a large switchblade and begins cutting Paul free.)
Paul: WATCH IT WITH THAT KNIFE, YOU MANIAC!!!
Tracy: SHUTUP FATSO, I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU!!!
(With Paul’s health improving he’s begun to put weight back on again, and once again Tracy has regained the confidence to resume calling Paul “Fatso” during their frequent quarrels. Meanwhile, Tim “Has Too Many Nicknames” Gallagher steps off of the bus.)
Anita: And here now is the Paulie Family Road Manager, Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher. Tim, this road trip must have been a terrible disappointment for you.
Tim: Not really, I was against the idea from the start. I mean really… A Tour Bus that converts into a submarine and attempting to drive all the way to Australia?
Anita: Well as the Road Manager, what’s the next gig for The Paulie Family?
Tim: I got us a booking in Max Jagermeister's cornfield in Trufant, Michigan. The date is not completely nailed down but it's got to be sometime before the first plowing. We're calling it "Woodcock '06." The symbol is going to be a woodcock perched on a pitchfork handle. "Make Hay in the Springtime!" That's the logo. Whatdda ya think?
Paul: What in the hell is he talking about?
Tracy: How should I know? You hired him.
Tim: We're gonna film the whole thing. Our advertising blitz is going to be directed toward Naturalist communities throughout the Americas and Europe to make sure there are plenty of naked people.
Paul: What sort of naked people?
Tim: What do you mean?
Paul: Well there is such a thing as people who shouldn’t be seen naked!
Tim: The promoters have started to line up bands including a guy who looks a lot like Jimi Hendrix, except he's white, 68 years old, and kind of bald. He says he can play guitar real good, though, and is planning to get a bass player and drummer before the gig.
Paul: Why isn’t he answering my question?
Tracy: Aw leave him alone, it’s not often he gets the chance to ramble like this.
Tim: Sylvester and the Family Mausoleum is considering. You've probably heard their new song about frustrated male nerds, "I Want to Make You Dryer." Hamburger Joe McDonalds has committed. Man I can just see him leading a huge crowd of naked people in his "Fish Sandwich Jeer!" And the British group Why may come and do some songs from their rock opera about a daft, dumb and nearsighted kid who's so good at video games that people think he's God.
Anita: Wow, that sounds like it will be quite a happening! Well it looks like everything is back to normal now for The Paulie Family, so back to you Piston!
Piston: Thank you, Anita Bier. Well folks, it looks like that’s all the time we have for today’s show, so be sure to join us here again next time for Radio Free Urine!
THE END
Credits: Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter
Attorney at Log
Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon
Band Leader, Lead and Rhythm Guitars,
Script Ideas.
Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher
Road Manager, Script Ideas, Additional Material.
JD (Don’t Know What The D Stands For) Sears
Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, Conga Player,
Script Ideas.
Also appearing were Anita Bier, Enos (The Mad Flasher of Edinburgh) McPenis, Ray (Gaseous) Clay, and Raisin Blisters.
Disclaimer: The following program contains material that is guaranteed to offend somebody somewhere. Reader discretion is advised.
Theme Music: They’re not in tune with nature
They’re not in tune with Zen
We thought they finally went away
But now they’re back again
So now for all you folks out there
Who do not have a clue
Here now is Piston McCauffey
The host of RFU…
Piston: Radio Free Urine is on the air! Hello to all you folks out there in radio land, this is your old friend, Piston McCauffey, coming to you from the big building with the statue of naked people out front.
Well on the last show the famous Paulie Family Tour Bus had sank to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean off the coast of Oregon, with all band members aboard, while demonstrating the bus’s new submarine features. This is the worst Paulie Family Tour Bus disaster since the original, smaller tour bus sank to the bottom of the English Channel after Paulie Family Bandleader, Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon drove it off of a ferry in an attempt to prove that he could drive the tour bus as well as anybody else during the ill-fated European tour of 1999.
A distress call was sent out to both the Coast Guard and the Navy, however, neither branch of the armed forces was able to help because no country on the planet has a ship big enough to lift or tow a Tour Bus of that size while it’s full of water, let alone while it’s empty.
However, the Paulie Family, always determined to make the best of a bad situation has taken advantage of their underwater isolation by using the quality time together to continue recording new songs, speaking of which, let’s take a look at this week’s Top 10 Pillboard Chart:
1. Hey Bull Dyke by The Paulie Family
2. I Poopchuted The Sheriff by Eric Crapton
3. Hot Log Stinkin’ by Commander Commode & His Least Favorite Air Fresheners
4. Rye Time by The Grateful Bread
5. One Flush Over The Line by Sewer & Slippery
6. Loud Mary by The Dyke & Weiner Burner Review
7. Beat Her Like A Lady by The Cornelius Brothers & Sister Bloody Nose
8. Daddy Don’t You Wank So Fast by Wang Newton
9. Easy Whizzin’ by Urinal Heep
10. The Ugliest Girl In The Whole USA by Donna Fido
And that’s right folks, The Paulie Family has yet another #1 song, and let’s listen to it now…
Music: Hey Bull Dyke (Sung to the tune of Hey Bulldog by The Beatles)
Dog face
Waiting for the bus
Bad case
Acne full of puss
Your face of ugliness is standing out on you
Like it caught on fire and got beat out by a track shoe.
Man-like
In athletic socks
Worn with
Ugly Birkenstocks
Your heavy ass sure leaves deep footprints in the soil
If you wore high heels you would probably strike oil.
Please don't sit by me
Please don't sit by me
Please don't sit by me
You're so ugly, please don't sit by me.
Hey yeah... Yahoo!
Nose ring
In your bloody nose
It bleeds
All over your clothes
You didn't think that it would make you look so fierce
You should've thought of that before you got it pierced.
Please don't sit by me
Please don't sit by me
Please don't sit by me
You're so ugly, please don't sit by me.
Hey Bull dyke! Hey Bull dyke!
Hey Bull dyke! Hey Bull dyke!
Wahoo, woof woof...
Hey man, what's that noise?
Belch!
What'd you say?
I said... Belch!
Do you have anymore?
BEEEEELLLLCCCCHHHH... WOOHOO!
That's it! You got it! That's great, man
One more time now let me have it...
BEEEEELLLLCCCCHHHHAAAAHAAAA...
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
That's enough, man now shutup!
Okay
Hey Bull dyke!
Hey Bull dyke!
Piston: And there you have it folks, the new number one song by The Paulie Family! Well also trapped on the Paulie Family Tour Bus is our own on the spot reporter, Anita Bier. Let’s see if we can still reach her… Come in, Anita Bier!
Anita: Piston, it’s a miracle that we’re still alive down here…
(Meanwhile, in the background the following argument is taking place.)
Paul: I WANT THOSE SPERM WHALES OUT OF MY BED, NOW!!!
Tracy: WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR???!!! I TOLD YOU NOT TO LEAVE KRILL AND PLANKTON LYING AROUND IN YOUR ROOM!!!
Paul: DON’T YOU TRY TO PIN THIS ONE ON ME!!! NOW GET ME A STATUS REPORT!!!
(Tracy gets on the intercom.)
Tracy: Damage Control, report please.
Enos: AYE I’VE GOT CRABS UNDER MY KILT!!!
JD: The pool appears to be draining again, is that a good sign?
Tim: This is your reluctant Cruise Director speaking, we are now serving Peanut Butter and Jellyfish sandwiches in the galley.
Raisin: Why is the tap water so salty?
(Paul, seeing that no serious danger is imminent, returns to yelling at Tracy.)
Paul: AND WHERE’S THAT DAMN TOW TRUCK???!!! I CALLED THEM OVER AN HOUR AGO!!!
Tracy: He’s parked on the beach looking for us.
Paul: WELL HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO FIND US???!!! HOW MANY TOUR BUSES ARE PARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN???!!!
Tracy: A freakin’ Aircraft Carrier couldn’t pull us out of here, what makes you think a tow truck can?
Paul: Isn’t their motto “Neither rain, nor snow, nor the Pacific Ocean will stop us from making our appointed rounds?”
Tracy: No, that’s the Post Office.
Paul: Well maybe we should call them.
Tracy: Only if we need firearms.
(Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door of the Tour Bus.)
Paul: Who in the hell is knocking on the door at this time of night?
Tracy: It’s 2:00 in the afternoon.
Paul: Then why is it so dark outside?
Tracy: Because we’re 12,000 feet underwater.
(Paul goes to the door.)
Paul: WHO IS IT???!!!
Voice: Registered mail, you’ll have to sign for it.
Paul: Okay, hold on a second the door’s locked!
(Paul fumbles with the door lock until he finally gets it unlocked. He pulls open the door to find a Mailman standing up to his knees in mud, bright sunshine beaming down on him, and no ocean in sight.)
Paul: Wow, the sun sure rises fast down here! What do you want?
Mailman: I have a registered letter for Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon.
Paul: That’s me.
Mailman: Sign here please.
(Paul signs for the letter then opens it and proceeds to read it out loud.)
Paul: Dear Mr. Refuses To Have A Nickname Zimmon, this is to inform you that we are filing a lawsuit against you and Paulie Family Productions for the theft of the Pacific Ocean, which our fine beachside resorts depend on year-round for tourism. We hereby demand a total sum of $900 Gazillion dollars for restitution, please remit immediately. Sincerely, Phil Itbakup, State of Hawaii Chamber of Commerce… AAAAAAAARRRRGH!!! WHERE’S MY ATTORNEY AT LOG???!!!
Tracy: Problem?
Paul: I’LL SAY THERE’S A PROBLEM!!! I’M BEING SUED FOR $900 GAZILLION DOLLARS!!! NOW WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT???!!!
(Tracy calmly gets back on the intercom.)
Tracy: Ray, you can drive us back to shore now.
Ray: Does this mean we’re not going to Australia?
Tracy: It appears we’ll have to work out a few problems with the submarine features first.
(Meanwhile, Anita Bier, who’s been quiet all this time due the shock of the sight of a missing ocean, finally composes herself.)
Anita: Tracy, how do you explain the fact that the entire Pacific Ocean is missing?
Tracy: Well it’s simple really, the four-dimensional interior of the Tour Bus has basically absorbed the entire ocean.
Anita: Yes, of course… That is pretty simple.
(Anita has no idea what Tracy is talking about, but she knows better than to ask for a more detailed explanation. Meanwhile, Paulie Family Tour Bus driver, Ray “Gaseous” Clay drives the Tour Bus back to the shore of Seaside, Oregon, where a cheering crowd awaits. The door to the Paulie Family Tour Bus opens and the Pacific Ocean begins spilling out back into its basin. Meanwhile, back in the RFU studios, Piston is watching the AP Wire Service.)
Piston: Anita, if you’re listening I’m getting reports from all over the Pacific Rim that beachside resorts from Hawaii to Tahiti are filing lawsuits against The Paulie Family over the loss of their ocean! Can you find out what The Paulie Family is planning to do about it?
Anita: Sure Piston, with me right now is Paulie Family Attorney at Log, Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall… Tracy, how are you planning to address all of these lawsuits against The Paulie Family?
Tracy: Well Jeez Louise, Anita… It’s not like we actually stole the Pacific Ocean, and as you can plainly see by all of the water rushing out of the Tour Bus that we’re putting it back, so I don’t see what the problem is!
Anita: Yes, I guess it is pretty obvious that things are being put back the way they were…
(Suddenly, Paul falls out of the bus entangled by a drift net.)
Paul: SOMEBODY GET THIS DAMN THING OFF OF ME!!!
(Tracy quickly produces a large switchblade and begins cutting Paul free.)
Paul: WATCH IT WITH THAT KNIFE, YOU MANIAC!!!
Tracy: SHUTUP FATSO, I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU!!!
(With Paul’s health improving he’s begun to put weight back on again, and once again Tracy has regained the confidence to resume calling Paul “Fatso” during their frequent quarrels. Meanwhile, Tim “Has Too Many Nicknames” Gallagher steps off of the bus.)
Anita: And here now is the Paulie Family Road Manager, Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher. Tim, this road trip must have been a terrible disappointment for you.
Tim: Not really, I was against the idea from the start. I mean really… A Tour Bus that converts into a submarine and attempting to drive all the way to Australia?
Anita: Well as the Road Manager, what’s the next gig for The Paulie Family?
Tim: I got us a booking in Max Jagermeister's cornfield in Trufant, Michigan. The date is not completely nailed down but it's got to be sometime before the first plowing. We're calling it "Woodcock '06." The symbol is going to be a woodcock perched on a pitchfork handle. "Make Hay in the Springtime!" That's the logo. Whatdda ya think?
Paul: What in the hell is he talking about?
Tracy: How should I know? You hired him.
Tim: We're gonna film the whole thing. Our advertising blitz is going to be directed toward Naturalist communities throughout the Americas and Europe to make sure there are plenty of naked people.
Paul: What sort of naked people?
Tim: What do you mean?
Paul: Well there is such a thing as people who shouldn’t be seen naked!
Tim: The promoters have started to line up bands including a guy who looks a lot like Jimi Hendrix, except he's white, 68 years old, and kind of bald. He says he can play guitar real good, though, and is planning to get a bass player and drummer before the gig.
Paul: Why isn’t he answering my question?
Tracy: Aw leave him alone, it’s not often he gets the chance to ramble like this.
Tim: Sylvester and the Family Mausoleum is considering. You've probably heard their new song about frustrated male nerds, "I Want to Make You Dryer." Hamburger Joe McDonalds has committed. Man I can just see him leading a huge crowd of naked people in his "Fish Sandwich Jeer!" And the British group Why may come and do some songs from their rock opera about a daft, dumb and nearsighted kid who's so good at video games that people think he's God.
Anita: Wow, that sounds like it will be quite a happening! Well it looks like everything is back to normal now for The Paulie Family, so back to you Piston!
Piston: Thank you, Anita Bier. Well folks, it looks like that’s all the time we have for today’s show, so be sure to join us here again next time for Radio Free Urine!
THE END
Credits: Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter
Attorney at Log
Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon
Band Leader, Lead and Rhythm Guitars,
Script Ideas.
Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher
Road Manager, Script Ideas, Additional Material.
JD (Don’t Know What The D Stands For) Sears
Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, Conga Player,
Script Ideas.
Also appearing were Anita Bier, Enos (The Mad Flasher of Edinburgh) McPenis, Ray (Gaseous) Clay, and Raisin Blisters.
posted by The Paulie Family at 3:40 PM
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