RFU 1-06
RFU 1-06 Copyright 2/06 by McCall/Zimmon/Gallagher
Disclaimer: The following program contains material that is guaranteed to offend somebody somewhere. Reader discretion is advised.
Theme Music: They’re not in tune with nature
They’re not in tune with Zen
We thought they finally went away
But now they’re back again
So now for all you folks out there
Who do not have a clue
Here now is Piston McCauffey
The host of RFU…
Piston: Radio Free Urine is on the air! Hello to all you folks out there in radio land, this is your old friend, Piston McCauffey, coming to you from the big building with the statue of naked people out front.
Well after a year-long hiatus The Paulie Family is once again back in the charts. Speaking of which, let’s take a look at this week’s Top 10 Pillboard Chart:
1. Sweaty Betty by The Paulie Family
2. Are You Constipated? by The Jimi Exlax Experience
3. I Can Hear Belching by The Belch Boys
4. Eyes Of The Urinal by The Grateful Drench
5. The Ream Police by Cheap Date
6. I Don’t Want To Soil The Carpet by The Dung Beetles
7. For Your Log by The Yardturds
8. Some Place To Go Whiz by The Jefferson Outhouse
9. I’m Not Your Freakin’ Pharmacist by The Junkees
10. Ichypoo Park by Small Feces
And that’s right folks, after taking a whole year off The Paulie Family is back with another #1 song, and let’s listen to it now…
Music: Sweaty Betty Copyright 1/06 by TM & Co.
I’m gonna tell ya’ a story about a woman I know
She’s got two big feet but only one big toe
She’s a lot of fun when she’s in the mood
But it’s even better when she’s in the nude.
Y’know she has to stand up when she’s takin’ a leak
‘Cos she’s got two big hips, but only one butt cheek
She’s got two big legs and two boney knees
The other guys don’t like her ‘cos she smells like cheese.
Well she gets excited an then she gets wet
And then she climbs on top of me and works up a sweat.
Her name is Sweaty Betty; she’s a real live wire
And I really don’t mind when she starts to perspire
Oh sure, there’s underarm products and she’s tried them all
But they just don’t work, she’s like a waterfall.
She’s only got one ear on the side of her head
It doesn’t bother me none ‘cos she’s great in bed
And in the heat of passion she’ll let out a scream
She keeps me up all night; she’s like a live wet dream.
She’s had a lot of other guys, but she broke all their hearts
She won’t talk about her missing body parts.
YEAH!!!
Sweaty Betty, she’s my girl.
She really gives my heart a whirl.
Come here, baby, we’re gonna boff
And afterwards you can towel off.
Oh yeah.
Piston: And there you have it folks, the new number one song by The Paulie Family! And now here to talk about what they’ve been up to for the past year here are The Paulie Family front men themselves, Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon and Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall!
(Paul and Tracy enter the radio studio)
Piston: Well Paul, how have you been?
Paul: Don’t you start with me!
(For those of you who are new to the show, Paul has never liked Piston’s happy go lucky attitude.)
Piston: Okay then, Tracy, how have you been?
Tracy: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell I’ll tell ya’…
Paul: Hey, wait a minute! I wasn’t finished yet!
Piston: Okay then, Paul…
Paul: Don’t you start with me!
(Piston has grown use to difficulties with Paul, and he’s figured out a way to counter it. Piston poses a generalized question.)
Piston: So what’s new with The Paulie Family?
Paul: It’s about time you finally got to me! Now then, I’m happy to announce that we’ve built a new prison in the tour bus.
Piston: A prison? Why would you need a prison on the tour bus?
Paul: To deal with malcontents within the band, as well as upstarts!
(Tracy springs to his feet.)
Tracy: UPSTARTS???!!!
Paul: Not you, Fatso!
(Paul has actually lost a lot of weight and now actually weighs less than Tracy. Paul has waited for years to get back at Tracy for all the times he’s called Paul Fatso.)
Tracy: Who are you calling Fat…
(Tracy stops and looks around the radio studio and realizes he’s the fattest person in the room.)
Tracy: Never mind.
Paul: Yeah, you’re not so smart anymore, are you?
Tracy: I’m only fatter than you, not dumber.
Paul: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey, wait a minute now…
(The phone rings. It’s the fat woman that’s always calling in to complain about how The Paulie Family is always making fun of fat people. She’s very excited to hear about Tracy being fatter than Paul.)
Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!
Fat Woman: I just wanted to congratulate Tracy for finally becoming a member of the gravitationally challenged.
Tracy: Gravitationally challenged?
Fat Woman: Yeah, you know, those of us who are more greatly affected by the pull of gravity due to the mass of our bodies?
Tracy: You mean fat people?
Fat Woman: Yes, now that you’re one of us maybe you can be like our celebrity spokesman.
Tracy: Well that depends. How much do you weigh?
Fat Woman: I’m all the way down to 368 pounds!
Tracy: All the way down from where?
Fat Woman: 370 pounds.
Tracy: And how long did it take you to lose both of those pounds?
Fat Woman: 12 weeks.
Tracy: 12 weeks? Wow! At that rate you should reach your ideal body weight in 25 years!
Fat Woman: One day at a time, that’s my motto. So are you interested in being a celebrity spokesman?
Tracy: Well I hate to tell you this but…
(Tracy pauses for a minute.)
Tracy: No, on second thought I’m going to enjoy telling you this. You’re still going to be a lot fatter than I am for a hell of a long time! So long, poster girl!
(Tracy hangs up.)
Piston: So, getting back to the new prison…
Paul: That’s right, we have a new prison on the tour bus. Now we don’t have to worry about band members jumping ship in the middle of a tour.
Piston: Is The Paulie Family going to tour again?
Paul: Of course! We have our road manager working on it right now. Which reminds me, where in the hell is Tim?
(The phone rings again. This time it’s Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher, the Paulie Family road manager.)
Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!
Tim: Why are you guys always talking about me when I’m not there?
Paul: Because you’re never here! You’re supposed to be the road manager, where the hell are you?
Tim: I’m on the road, where else would I be? I’m the road manager, remember?
Paul: Well then why don’t you clue in all of our fans and tell us what you’ve been doing on the road?
Tim: I’d be glad to! I’ve been out managing the roads. Last summer, as you recall, was extremely hot. This made all the roads soft and dry. Then hurricanes and tornadoes blew like crazy and the dry, fly-away roads went every which way, tangling them into knots and threatening dreadlock-like gridlocks.
(Paul turns to Tracy.)
Paul: Do you have any idea what he’s talking about?
Tracy: Don’t look at me, you hired him.
Tim: And of course, being the road manager it is my duty to make the roads more manageable; so, modeling my idea on the tour bus, I designed and assembled the largest spray bottle of leave-in conditioner in the history of Man.
Paul: I swear to God, I’m never hiring another bald person as long as I live, even if I don’t live that long! WOULD YOU JUST TELL US WHAT YOU’VE BEEN DOING ALL THIS TIME???!!!
Tim: All this time I have been out spraying America's roads, easing the tangles and leaving them shiny and manageable. If you look at a current map of the United States, you will see the difference from even a few months ago. America looked ratted, man; but now it's virtually tangle-free and traffic is moving smoothly – a necessity with gas prices as steep as they are.
Tracy: He does have a good point there.
(Piston pulls out his brand new Rand-McNally road map and opens it up.)
Piston: And just look how shiny the roads are!
(Paul is determined not to let things get out of hand like in the old days when chaos ruled. So he pulls out a gun.)
Paul: Now everybody just hold it right there!
Piston: Paul, you have a gun?
Paul: Not just any gun, this is a .44 magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and it will blow your head clean off! What do you think about that?
Tracy: Nice Clint Eastwood impersonation!
Paul: Shut up!
(Paul waves the gun around in a menacing manner.)
Paul: Now I’m gonna warn you all right now… I DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE THIS!!! There’s gonna be some changes around here, starting with some of the personnel!
Tracy: You can’t change the personnel!
(Paul sticks the gun barrel in Tracy’s face.)
Paul: That’s what you think! First of all I’m firing Stoney (Killer) Green!
Tracy: What for?
Paul: For providing inferior smokable products!
Tracy: And who in the hell is going to play bass?
Paul: Enos McPenis can play bass!
Tracy: Enos McPenis can’t play bass.
Paul: And why the hell not?
Tracy: Because he doesn’t know how.
(Paul ponders that thought for a moment.)
Paul: I don’t care! I’m tired of him sitting at the keyboards and letting the audience look up his kilt! I’M THE BANDLEADER AND I WANT THE AUDIENCE TO STARE AT ME IN WIDE-EYED DISGUST!!! So Enos can just stand up and play like the rest of us!
(JD ((Don’t know what the D stands for)) Sears, the conga player and Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, walks into the radio studio.)
Piston: Hey everybody, it’s JD (Don’t know what the D stands for) Sears!
Paul: Hey JD, check it out. I took your advice and bought a gun!
(Tracy turns to JD.)
Tracy: You advised Paul to BUY A GUN???!!!
JD: Don’t worry, I make sure he keeps it unloaded. That way he’s able to feel more confident and in control without doing anything stupid.
Paul: Yeah, it’s not even loaded, so don’t soil your athletic supporter! And anyway I’m not stupid enough to actua… aaah… AAAAACHOOOOO!!!
(As Paul sneezes his fingers contract and make him squeeze the trigger on the .44 magnum, which during a drunken stupor Paul made sure it wasn’t loaded but needed a safe place to keep the bullets so he stored them back in the gun for safekeeping. The recoil sends the gun barrel crashing into Paul’s forehead, knocking him unconscious. As he falls to the floor the bullet smashes its way through the window, across the street, and into a Wal-Mart parking lot where the sound of breaking glass, car alarms, dogs barking, women screaming, and babies crying can now be heard.)
(Tracy turns to JD.)
Tracy: AND YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING???!!!
JD: Y’know, this Spiritual Advisor crap is a real pain in the ass! And I’m not referring to that time I got shot in the butt!
Tracy: You know the rules. You’re his Spiritual Advisor, so you have to drag him back to the bus when he’s unconscious!
JD: Can’t we just wait till he wakes up?
Tracy: And find out how many more bullets he’s got? No way, YOU GET HIM OUT OF HERE NOW!!!
(JD reluctantly drags Paul away.)
Piston: Well Tracy, it looks like everything’s back to normal with The Paulie Family!
(Meanwhile, Tim is still on the phone.)
Tim: Can I hang up now?
Tracy: Don’t hang up yet, I have a special guest!
Piston: You brought a special guest?
Tracy: Oh yeah, I brought my dad in to tell everybody the joke he told me on Christmas.
(Tracy’s dad walks into the radio studio and lights a cigarette. For those of you who have never met Tracy’s dad, he’s really good at telling jokes.)
Tracy’s Dad: Was that Paul I saw being dragged down the hall?
Tracy: Yeah.
Tracy’s Dad: What’s wrong with him?
Tracy: He had a gun.
(Tracy’s dad frowns in disapproval; he used to be a Hunter Safety Instructor.)
Tracy: Okay dad, tell them your joke!
Tracy’s Dad: Four women decide they want to become nuns. So they all go down to the cathedral to ask the Priest how to go about it. The Priest tells them to all stand in a line facing the Holy Water. He tells the women that before they can become nuns they must cleanse all of the sin from their bodies. He then asks the first woman to step forward. She steps forward and the Priest says “Tell me child, have you ever touched a man’s penis?
The woman replies “Yes Father.”
The priest says “Then you must place the finger you touched it with in the Holy Water and cleanse it of sin.”
She does so and the Priest tells her to take her place back in line.
The priest tells the second woman to step forward and says “Tell me child, have you ever grabbed a man’s penis?”
The woman replies “Yes Father.”
The priest says “Then you must place the hand you grabbed it with in the Holy Water and cleanse it of sin.”
She does so and the Priest tells her to take her place back in line.
The Priest is just about to call the third woman forward when the fourth woman speaks up and says “Excuse me, Father, but do the rest of us have to cleanse our bodies of sin this way?”
The Priest replies “Yes, my child.”
The woman replies back “In that case, Father, can I gargle the Holy Water now before Bertha sticks her butt in it?”
(Piston presses the Rim Shot button on his sound effect board. Tracy’s dad lights another cigarette and walks out of the studio. Tim can be heard laughing hysterically over the phone.)
Piston: Well Gee, Tracy. Maybe we should have your dad on the show more often.
Tracy: That’s not really a good idea. He doesn’t like loud music unless it’s bagpipes, and if he and Enos ever get together...
(Both Tracy and Piston pause for a moment to have flashbacks of their childhoods involving bagpipe music. They both shudder violently. Meanwhile, Tim is still on the phone.)
Tim: Hey, if anybody’s listening I have to go now. It takes forever to shake this bottle of conditioner well before using.
(Tim hangs up. Tracy turns to Piston.)
Tracy: Anything else?
Piston: Nope.
Tracy: In that case, I’m outta here!
(Tracy leaves the studio.)
Piston: Well folks, it looks like that’s all the time we have for today’s show, so be sure to join us here again next time for Radio Free Urine!
THE END
Credits: Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter
Attorney at Log
Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon
Band Leader, Lead and Rhythm Guitars,
Script Ideas.
Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher
Road Manager, Script Ideas.
JD (Don’t Know What The D Stands For) Sears
Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, Conga Player,
Script Ideas.
Tracy’s Dad appeared courtesy of a pitcher of beer and a carton of cigarettes.
Disclaimer: The following program contains material that is guaranteed to offend somebody somewhere. Reader discretion is advised.
Theme Music: They’re not in tune with nature
They’re not in tune with Zen
We thought they finally went away
But now they’re back again
So now for all you folks out there
Who do not have a clue
Here now is Piston McCauffey
The host of RFU…
Piston: Radio Free Urine is on the air! Hello to all you folks out there in radio land, this is your old friend, Piston McCauffey, coming to you from the big building with the statue of naked people out front.
Well after a year-long hiatus The Paulie Family is once again back in the charts. Speaking of which, let’s take a look at this week’s Top 10 Pillboard Chart:
1. Sweaty Betty by The Paulie Family
2. Are You Constipated? by The Jimi Exlax Experience
3. I Can Hear Belching by The Belch Boys
4. Eyes Of The Urinal by The Grateful Drench
5. The Ream Police by Cheap Date
6. I Don’t Want To Soil The Carpet by The Dung Beetles
7. For Your Log by The Yardturds
8. Some Place To Go Whiz by The Jefferson Outhouse
9. I’m Not Your Freakin’ Pharmacist by The Junkees
10. Ichypoo Park by Small Feces
And that’s right folks, after taking a whole year off The Paulie Family is back with another #1 song, and let’s listen to it now…
Music: Sweaty Betty Copyright 1/06 by TM & Co.
I’m gonna tell ya’ a story about a woman I know
She’s got two big feet but only one big toe
She’s a lot of fun when she’s in the mood
But it’s even better when she’s in the nude.
Y’know she has to stand up when she’s takin’ a leak
‘Cos she’s got two big hips, but only one butt cheek
She’s got two big legs and two boney knees
The other guys don’t like her ‘cos she smells like cheese.
Well she gets excited an then she gets wet
And then she climbs on top of me and works up a sweat.
Her name is Sweaty Betty; she’s a real live wire
And I really don’t mind when she starts to perspire
Oh sure, there’s underarm products and she’s tried them all
But they just don’t work, she’s like a waterfall.
She’s only got one ear on the side of her head
It doesn’t bother me none ‘cos she’s great in bed
And in the heat of passion she’ll let out a scream
She keeps me up all night; she’s like a live wet dream.
She’s had a lot of other guys, but she broke all their hearts
She won’t talk about her missing body parts.
YEAH!!!
Sweaty Betty, she’s my girl.
She really gives my heart a whirl.
Come here, baby, we’re gonna boff
And afterwards you can towel off.
Oh yeah.
Piston: And there you have it folks, the new number one song by The Paulie Family! And now here to talk about what they’ve been up to for the past year here are The Paulie Family front men themselves, Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon and Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall!
(Paul and Tracy enter the radio studio)
Piston: Well Paul, how have you been?
Paul: Don’t you start with me!
(For those of you who are new to the show, Paul has never liked Piston’s happy go lucky attitude.)
Piston: Okay then, Tracy, how have you been?
Tracy: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell I’ll tell ya’…
Paul: Hey, wait a minute! I wasn’t finished yet!
Piston: Okay then, Paul…
Paul: Don’t you start with me!
(Piston has grown use to difficulties with Paul, and he’s figured out a way to counter it. Piston poses a generalized question.)
Piston: So what’s new with The Paulie Family?
Paul: It’s about time you finally got to me! Now then, I’m happy to announce that we’ve built a new prison in the tour bus.
Piston: A prison? Why would you need a prison on the tour bus?
Paul: To deal with malcontents within the band, as well as upstarts!
(Tracy springs to his feet.)
Tracy: UPSTARTS???!!!
Paul: Not you, Fatso!
(Paul has actually lost a lot of weight and now actually weighs less than Tracy. Paul has waited for years to get back at Tracy for all the times he’s called Paul Fatso.)
Tracy: Who are you calling Fat…
(Tracy stops and looks around the radio studio and realizes he’s the fattest person in the room.)
Tracy: Never mind.
Paul: Yeah, you’re not so smart anymore, are you?
Tracy: I’m only fatter than you, not dumber.
Paul: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey, wait a minute now…
(The phone rings. It’s the fat woman that’s always calling in to complain about how The Paulie Family is always making fun of fat people. She’s very excited to hear about Tracy being fatter than Paul.)
Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!
Fat Woman: I just wanted to congratulate Tracy for finally becoming a member of the gravitationally challenged.
Tracy: Gravitationally challenged?
Fat Woman: Yeah, you know, those of us who are more greatly affected by the pull of gravity due to the mass of our bodies?
Tracy: You mean fat people?
Fat Woman: Yes, now that you’re one of us maybe you can be like our celebrity spokesman.
Tracy: Well that depends. How much do you weigh?
Fat Woman: I’m all the way down to 368 pounds!
Tracy: All the way down from where?
Fat Woman: 370 pounds.
Tracy: And how long did it take you to lose both of those pounds?
Fat Woman: 12 weeks.
Tracy: 12 weeks? Wow! At that rate you should reach your ideal body weight in 25 years!
Fat Woman: One day at a time, that’s my motto. So are you interested in being a celebrity spokesman?
Tracy: Well I hate to tell you this but…
(Tracy pauses for a minute.)
Tracy: No, on second thought I’m going to enjoy telling you this. You’re still going to be a lot fatter than I am for a hell of a long time! So long, poster girl!
(Tracy hangs up.)
Piston: So, getting back to the new prison…
Paul: That’s right, we have a new prison on the tour bus. Now we don’t have to worry about band members jumping ship in the middle of a tour.
Piston: Is The Paulie Family going to tour again?
Paul: Of course! We have our road manager working on it right now. Which reminds me, where in the hell is Tim?
(The phone rings again. This time it’s Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher, the Paulie Family road manager.)
Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!
Tim: Why are you guys always talking about me when I’m not there?
Paul: Because you’re never here! You’re supposed to be the road manager, where the hell are you?
Tim: I’m on the road, where else would I be? I’m the road manager, remember?
Paul: Well then why don’t you clue in all of our fans and tell us what you’ve been doing on the road?
Tim: I’d be glad to! I’ve been out managing the roads. Last summer, as you recall, was extremely hot. This made all the roads soft and dry. Then hurricanes and tornadoes blew like crazy and the dry, fly-away roads went every which way, tangling them into knots and threatening dreadlock-like gridlocks.
(Paul turns to Tracy.)
Paul: Do you have any idea what he’s talking about?
Tracy: Don’t look at me, you hired him.
Tim: And of course, being the road manager it is my duty to make the roads more manageable; so, modeling my idea on the tour bus, I designed and assembled the largest spray bottle of leave-in conditioner in the history of Man.
Paul: I swear to God, I’m never hiring another bald person as long as I live, even if I don’t live that long! WOULD YOU JUST TELL US WHAT YOU’VE BEEN DOING ALL THIS TIME???!!!
Tim: All this time I have been out spraying America's roads, easing the tangles and leaving them shiny and manageable. If you look at a current map of the United States, you will see the difference from even a few months ago. America looked ratted, man; but now it's virtually tangle-free and traffic is moving smoothly – a necessity with gas prices as steep as they are.
Tracy: He does have a good point there.
(Piston pulls out his brand new Rand-McNally road map and opens it up.)
Piston: And just look how shiny the roads are!
(Paul is determined not to let things get out of hand like in the old days when chaos ruled. So he pulls out a gun.)
Paul: Now everybody just hold it right there!
Piston: Paul, you have a gun?
Paul: Not just any gun, this is a .44 magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and it will blow your head clean off! What do you think about that?
Tracy: Nice Clint Eastwood impersonation!
Paul: Shut up!
(Paul waves the gun around in a menacing manner.)
Paul: Now I’m gonna warn you all right now… I DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE THIS!!! There’s gonna be some changes around here, starting with some of the personnel!
Tracy: You can’t change the personnel!
(Paul sticks the gun barrel in Tracy’s face.)
Paul: That’s what you think! First of all I’m firing Stoney (Killer) Green!
Tracy: What for?
Paul: For providing inferior smokable products!
Tracy: And who in the hell is going to play bass?
Paul: Enos McPenis can play bass!
Tracy: Enos McPenis can’t play bass.
Paul: And why the hell not?
Tracy: Because he doesn’t know how.
(Paul ponders that thought for a moment.)
Paul: I don’t care! I’m tired of him sitting at the keyboards and letting the audience look up his kilt! I’M THE BANDLEADER AND I WANT THE AUDIENCE TO STARE AT ME IN WIDE-EYED DISGUST!!! So Enos can just stand up and play like the rest of us!
(JD ((Don’t know what the D stands for)) Sears, the conga player and Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, walks into the radio studio.)
Piston: Hey everybody, it’s JD (Don’t know what the D stands for) Sears!
Paul: Hey JD, check it out. I took your advice and bought a gun!
(Tracy turns to JD.)
Tracy: You advised Paul to BUY A GUN???!!!
JD: Don’t worry, I make sure he keeps it unloaded. That way he’s able to feel more confident and in control without doing anything stupid.
Paul: Yeah, it’s not even loaded, so don’t soil your athletic supporter! And anyway I’m not stupid enough to actua… aaah… AAAAACHOOOOO!!!
(As Paul sneezes his fingers contract and make him squeeze the trigger on the .44 magnum, which during a drunken stupor Paul made sure it wasn’t loaded but needed a safe place to keep the bullets so he stored them back in the gun for safekeeping. The recoil sends the gun barrel crashing into Paul’s forehead, knocking him unconscious. As he falls to the floor the bullet smashes its way through the window, across the street, and into a Wal-Mart parking lot where the sound of breaking glass, car alarms, dogs barking, women screaming, and babies crying can now be heard.)
(Tracy turns to JD.)
Tracy: AND YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING???!!!
JD: Y’know, this Spiritual Advisor crap is a real pain in the ass! And I’m not referring to that time I got shot in the butt!
Tracy: You know the rules. You’re his Spiritual Advisor, so you have to drag him back to the bus when he’s unconscious!
JD: Can’t we just wait till he wakes up?
Tracy: And find out how many more bullets he’s got? No way, YOU GET HIM OUT OF HERE NOW!!!
(JD reluctantly drags Paul away.)
Piston: Well Tracy, it looks like everything’s back to normal with The Paulie Family!
(Meanwhile, Tim is still on the phone.)
Tim: Can I hang up now?
Tracy: Don’t hang up yet, I have a special guest!
Piston: You brought a special guest?
Tracy: Oh yeah, I brought my dad in to tell everybody the joke he told me on Christmas.
(Tracy’s dad walks into the radio studio and lights a cigarette. For those of you who have never met Tracy’s dad, he’s really good at telling jokes.)
Tracy’s Dad: Was that Paul I saw being dragged down the hall?
Tracy: Yeah.
Tracy’s Dad: What’s wrong with him?
Tracy: He had a gun.
(Tracy’s dad frowns in disapproval; he used to be a Hunter Safety Instructor.)
Tracy: Okay dad, tell them your joke!
Tracy’s Dad: Four women decide they want to become nuns. So they all go down to the cathedral to ask the Priest how to go about it. The Priest tells them to all stand in a line facing the Holy Water. He tells the women that before they can become nuns they must cleanse all of the sin from their bodies. He then asks the first woman to step forward. She steps forward and the Priest says “Tell me child, have you ever touched a man’s penis?
The woman replies “Yes Father.”
The priest says “Then you must place the finger you touched it with in the Holy Water and cleanse it of sin.”
She does so and the Priest tells her to take her place back in line.
The priest tells the second woman to step forward and says “Tell me child, have you ever grabbed a man’s penis?”
The woman replies “Yes Father.”
The priest says “Then you must place the hand you grabbed it with in the Holy Water and cleanse it of sin.”
She does so and the Priest tells her to take her place back in line.
The Priest is just about to call the third woman forward when the fourth woman speaks up and says “Excuse me, Father, but do the rest of us have to cleanse our bodies of sin this way?”
The Priest replies “Yes, my child.”
The woman replies back “In that case, Father, can I gargle the Holy Water now before Bertha sticks her butt in it?”
(Piston presses the Rim Shot button on his sound effect board. Tracy’s dad lights another cigarette and walks out of the studio. Tim can be heard laughing hysterically over the phone.)
Piston: Well Gee, Tracy. Maybe we should have your dad on the show more often.
Tracy: That’s not really a good idea. He doesn’t like loud music unless it’s bagpipes, and if he and Enos ever get together...
(Both Tracy and Piston pause for a moment to have flashbacks of their childhoods involving bagpipe music. They both shudder violently. Meanwhile, Tim is still on the phone.)
Tim: Hey, if anybody’s listening I have to go now. It takes forever to shake this bottle of conditioner well before using.
(Tim hangs up. Tracy turns to Piston.)
Tracy: Anything else?
Piston: Nope.
Tracy: In that case, I’m outta here!
(Tracy leaves the studio.)
Piston: Well folks, it looks like that’s all the time we have for today’s show, so be sure to join us here again next time for Radio Free Urine!
THE END
Credits: Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter
Attorney at Log
Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon
Band Leader, Lead and Rhythm Guitars,
Script Ideas.
Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher
Road Manager, Script Ideas.
JD (Don’t Know What The D Stands For) Sears
Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, Conga Player,
Script Ideas.
Tracy’s Dad appeared courtesy of a pitcher of beer and a carton of cigarettes.
posted by The Paulie Family at 12:08 PM
13 Comments:
I am the walrus. I burried Paul. Turn me on dead man. Turn me on
Is it true that Paul now has more holes in him than Swiss cheese?
Well I wouldn't say he has more holes in him than Swiss Cheese; however, now whenever he sneezes his belly button yodels.
Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions
Ahhh Chooooo! yodie laydee hooo
By order of the Naval Reserves.
Do not use our trademark in future publications. Unless of course you guys really are in the navy.
My dad was in the Navy, so I have legacy rights.
Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer
Singer, Songwriter
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Dear Anonymous,
Let me see if I understand this correctly… You were doing a search for modern and antique dolls and teddy bears and you came across our site? How in the hell could we possibly be misinterpreted as having anything to do with dolls and teddy bears?
It sounds to me like you may be just another spammer. So I’ll give you the same chance I give all spammers. Remove your link from our blog or we will delete your post.
Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer
Singer, Songwriter
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions
He came, he spammed, he got deleted. God, I love this job!
Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions
I was wondering if I could have an autograph?
I was wondering if I could have an autograph?
I was wondering if I could have an autograph?
Dear Anonymous,
An autograph? Why certainly you can have an autograph. Shall we make it out to Anonymous or were you planning to at least make up a fake name? And how about an address? Or should we just send it to Anywhere, USA?
Y’know folks, I can understand the need for anonymity. After all, you wouldn’t want your parents or your wife and kids discovering that you have any interest in the likes of us. However, that’s no excuse for a total lack of creativity. IT’S OKAY TO MAKE UP A FAKE NAME!!! If anything, it’ll at least give you some semblance of personality.
Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Song Writer,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions
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