RFU 2-06
RFU 2-06 Copyright 3/06 by McCall/Zimmon
Disclaimer: The following program contains material that is guaranteed to offend somebody somewhere. Reader discretion is advised.
Theme Music: They’re not in tune with nature
They’re not in tune with Zen
We thought they finally went away
But now they’re back again
So now for all you folks out there
Who do not have a clue
Here now is Piston McCauffey
The host of RFU…
Piston: Radio Free Urine is on the air! Hello to all you folks out there in radio land, this is your old friend, Piston McCauffey, coming to you from the big building with the statue of naked people out front.
Well we’re expecting Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon and Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall to be here any minute now to talk about The Paulie Family’s newest song, speaking of which, let’s take a look at this week’s Top 10 Pillboard Chart:
1. There Is A Full Beer by The Paulie Family
2. Nashville Cat Litter Boxes by The Lovin’ Shovelful
3. A Boy Named Jew by Johnny Cashewitz
4. Sweaty Betty by The Paulie Family
5. Logs Of War by Stink Floyd
6. Green Liver by Credence Beerwater Regurgitation
7. He Ain’t Sober, He’s My Brother by The Alcohollies
8. Look What They’ve Done To My Schlong, Ma by The New Leakers
9. Urine Love by Wilson Fillups
10. Have You Ever Been Yellow? by Olivia Newton Jaundice
And that’s right folks, The Paulie Family has another #1 song, and let’s listen to it now…
Music: There Is A Full Beer (Sung to the tune of There Is A Mountain by Donovan)
Listen to these lyrics because afterwards there'll be a quiz
Listen to these lyrics because afterwards there'll be a quiz
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz.
The lawn cigar sticks to your shoe to ride into your house with you
The lawn cigar sticks to your shoe to ride into your house with you
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz.
Yawning rainbow, yawning rainbow, yawning rainbow
Please signal Paul
For your sound will tell him where the car is parked
As you splatter on the sidewalk.
Listen to these lyrics because afterwards there'll be a quiz
Listen to these lyrics because afterwards there'll be a quiz
The lawn cigar sticks to your shoe to ride into your house with you
The lawn cigar sticks to your shoe to ride into your house with you.
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz.
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz.
Piston: And there you have it folks, the new number one song by The Paulie Family!
(Piston looks up at the clock on the wall.)
Piston: Gee, Paul and Tracy should’ve been here by now. I wonder where they are…
(The phone rings. It’s Paul calling.)
Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!
Paul: Hey, do you have a Yellow Pages handy?
Piston: Paul, is that you?
Paul: Of course it’s me! You were expecting a fat woman complaining about how we always make fun of fat people maybe?
Piston: No, it’s just that I thought you and Tracy were going to be here to talk about the new song.
Paul: Well we were, but first we were going to demonstrate to the rest of the band how the new prison cell on the tour bus is completely escape proof.
Piston: And how did that go?
Paul: Well it’s definitely escape proof, and now we can’t get out.
Piston: You locked yourself in your own prison cell?
Paul: What do you mean I locked myself in my own prison cell? Why do you always assume that just because something really stupid has happened that it must have been my fault?
Piston: Well it’s just that usually…
Paul: Because there are plenty of other people in this band that are just as stupid as I am!
Piston: Well okay, but we never really hear about anyone else in the band being…
Paul: SO ARE YOU INSINUATING THAT I’M THE ONLY ONE IN THE BAND STUPID ENOUGH TO LOCK THE ENTIRE BAND IN A PRISON CELL???!!!
Piston: You locked the entire band in a prison cell?
Paul: YOU SEE, THERE YOU GO AGAIN!!! AUTOMATICALLY ASSUMING THAT THIS IS ALL MY FAULT!!!
Piston: Well then, how did you all get locked in the prison cell?
Paul: I left the keys on the coffee table… NOW DO YOU HAVE A YELLOW PAGES HANDY OR NOT???!!!
Piston: Uuuuuh… Hold on, I’ll look.
(As Piston searches for the Yellow Pages you can hear the following conversation taking place over the speaker phone:)
Paul: Hey, can you guys keep it down? I’m on the phone!
Raisin: You’re not going to do that in here, are you?
Enos: Aye, and why else would they put a toilet in a prison cell?
Paul: Don’t you point that thing at me!
Tracy: Would you hurry up? I have to go too.
Enos: Wait a minute, WHERE’S THE TOILET PAPER???!!!
Raisin: You’re not going to do THAT in here, are you?
Paul: YOU’D BETTER NOT!!!
Enos: THEN YOU SHOULD’VE PUT IN A WINDOW!!!
Tracy: JD, loan him your handkerchief.
JD: What? Why do I have to give him MY HANDKERCHIEF???!!!
Tracy: Well if you weren’t always dressing in a three-piece suit with a handkerchief sticking out of the breast pocket we wouldn’t even know you had a handkerchief, would we?
Paul: This is all Tim’s fault! If he wasn’t always out managing the damn roads he’d be here to go get the keys and let us out!
Tracy: How do you know you wouldn’t have locked him in here too?
Paul: YOU SEE, THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!!! EVERYBODY IS ALWAYS BLAMING ME FOR EVERYTHING!!!
JD: I am NOT giving him my handkerchief!
Tracy: Y’know, if you were more of a team player you might get more lines to say!
Raisin: OH MY GOD, HE IS DOING IT IN HERE!!!
(A loud splash is heard followed by the sound of a toilet flushing.)
Enos: Wheeeeeeeeeeeew! That was a load off my mind!
Raisin: DAMNIT PAUL, WHY DIDN’T YOU PUT A WINDOW IN THIS CELL???!!!
Paul: Because it’s supposed to be ESCAPE PROOF!!!
Tracy: Well thanks to your escape proof cell we can all now BASK HERE IN ENOS’S AFTERGLOW!!!
Enos: Phew! I gotta lay off the haggis!
(The sound of general mayhem and a lot of coughing and gagging can now be heard.)
Raisin: JD, did you give him your handkerchief?
JD: Of course not, nobody is wiping their ass with MY HANDKERCHIEF!!!
Enos: I don’t need your bleedin’ handkerchief anymore!
Raisin: Wait a minute, what did you use to wipe?
Enos: I used the inside of my kilt.
Raisin: Are you kidding me?
Enos: Of course not… see?
Raisin: EEEEEEEEYYYYOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Paul: Did you have to show us that?
Enos: The nosy wench shouldn’t have asked me what I used to wipe with!
Tracy: I’m getting claustrophobic… I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!!!
Anita: Why isn’t there any beer in the refrigerator?
Helena: Why isn’t there a refrigerator in here?
Paul: There is no beer, and no refrigerator. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A PRISON CELL!!!
Anita: This prison cell sucks!
Helena: Yeah, and so does the refrigerator!
Raisin: Aren’t you going to wash your hands?
Enos: Oh, alright! Whoops… I dropped the soap. JD, can you get that for me?
JD: OOOOOOOOOOOH NOOOOOOOOOO!!! You’re not getting my handkerchief and I’m NOT PICKING UP THE SOAP FOR ANYBODY!!!
Enos: Fine, ya’ selfish bastard I’ll get it myself!
Tracy: YOU CAN’T KEEP ME IN HERE YA’ LOUSY COPPERS!!!
Paul: Who are you yelling at?
Tracy: The lousy coppers that put us in here.
Paul: The cops didn’t put us in here, you idiot, I did!
Tracy: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell now… The tables have turned now, haven’t they?
Paul: What are you talking about?
Tracy: You know what they do with cops in prison, don’t you?
Paul: Before you go getting too emotionally involved in your role playing I’d like to remind you that I’M NOT A COP!!!
Tracy: Yeah, well you still keep the po’ man down… ya’ jive ass HONKY!!!
(Everyone goes dead quiet, except for Piston who’s still looking for the Yellow Pages, this is the first time anybody has heard Tracy call Paul a jive ass honky.)
Paul: What did you just call me?
Tracy: You heard me! What’s the matter, you got cracker crumbs in your ears?
Paul: Look, one more word out of you and I’ll have you LYNCHED!!!
(Meanwhile, Piston has located the Yellow Pages.)
Piston: Are you still there Paul?
Paul: Of course I’m still here, I’M LOCKED IN A PRISON CELL!!!
Piston: Well I found the Yellow Pages.
Paul: Good, give me a number for a locksmith.
(Piston shuffles through the pages.)
Piston: Let’s see here… There’s A-1 Locksmith Service, there’s ACME Locksmith Service, there’s Aw Crap, I Locked Myself Out Locksmith Service…
Paul: We’re not locked out, we’re locked in!
(Piston shuffles through some more pages.)
Piston: Okay, how about this one… Aw Crap, I Locked Myself In My Own Prison Cell Locksmith Service. Open 24-7 including all holidays. VISA and MasterCard accepted.
Paul: I don’t have a VISA or MasterCard!
(In the background the following can be heard:)
Tracy: I have VISA and MasterCard!
Paul: Good, we’re going to need it.
Tracy: I want to talk to the big breasted, brown eyed brunette bouncing buoyantly in a babbling brook!
Paul: What are you talking about?
Tracy: Well why else would you need a credit card to talk on the phone?
Paul: You know, it may surprise you to know that there are women on this planet that don’t need a credit card number before they’ll talk to you!
Tracy: Yeah, but all they do is call up to complain about how we’re always making fun of fat people.
(Paul decides to ignore Tracy and go back to talking to Piston.)
Paul: Okay, what’s the number?
Piston: 503-227…
Paul: Wait a minute, I need to write it down!
(In the background you can now hear the following:)
Paul: Hey, does anybody have a pencil or pen?
Enos: Aye, I’ve got one here in my back pocket!
Paul: You mean the back pocket on the kilt you used to wipe your ass?
Enos: Aye, it’s a number two pencil!
Paul: Does anybody ELSE have a pencil or pen?
(No reply. Paul goes back to talking to Piston.)
Paul: Okay, you’re going to have to write it down for me.
(Piston doesn’t see the logic in writing down the phone number for Paul when he’s on the other end of the phone, but he decides to play along anyway.)
Piston: Uuuuuuuuh… Okay then, I’m writing down the number.
Paul: Good, now call them up and send them over to let us out… AND HURRY!!!
Piston: Paul?
Paul: What?
Piston: There’s just one thing I have to ask.
Paul: What’s that?
Piston: If you’re locked in a prison cell how is it that you’re able to make a phone call?
Paul: I’M USING A CELL PHONE, YOU IDIOT!!! NOW HURRY UP AND SEND HELP!!!
(Paul hangs up.)
Piston: Well folks, this show didn’t go at all according to plan. Oh well, it looks like that’s all the time we have for today’s show, so be sure to join us here again next time for Radio Free Urine!
THE END
Credits: Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter
Attorney at Log
Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon
Band Leader, Lead and Rhythm Guitars,
Script Ideas.
Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher
Road Manager, Script Ideas.
JD (Don’t Know What The D Stands For) Sears
Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, Conga Player,
Script Ideas.
Also appearing were The Brass Bras:
Raisin Blisters
Anita Bonghit
Helena Bucket
Disclaimer: The following program contains material that is guaranteed to offend somebody somewhere. Reader discretion is advised.
Theme Music: They’re not in tune with nature
They’re not in tune with Zen
We thought they finally went away
But now they’re back again
So now for all you folks out there
Who do not have a clue
Here now is Piston McCauffey
The host of RFU…
Piston: Radio Free Urine is on the air! Hello to all you folks out there in radio land, this is your old friend, Piston McCauffey, coming to you from the big building with the statue of naked people out front.
Well we’re expecting Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon and Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall to be here any minute now to talk about The Paulie Family’s newest song, speaking of which, let’s take a look at this week’s Top 10 Pillboard Chart:
1. There Is A Full Beer by The Paulie Family
2. Nashville Cat Litter Boxes by The Lovin’ Shovelful
3. A Boy Named Jew by Johnny Cashewitz
4. Sweaty Betty by The Paulie Family
5. Logs Of War by Stink Floyd
6. Green Liver by Credence Beerwater Regurgitation
7. He Ain’t Sober, He’s My Brother by The Alcohollies
8. Look What They’ve Done To My Schlong, Ma by The New Leakers
9. Urine Love by Wilson Fillups
10. Have You Ever Been Yellow? by Olivia Newton Jaundice
And that’s right folks, The Paulie Family has another #1 song, and let’s listen to it now…
Music: There Is A Full Beer (Sung to the tune of There Is A Mountain by Donovan)
Listen to these lyrics because afterwards there'll be a quiz
Listen to these lyrics because afterwards there'll be a quiz
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz.
The lawn cigar sticks to your shoe to ride into your house with you
The lawn cigar sticks to your shoe to ride into your house with you
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz.
Yawning rainbow, yawning rainbow, yawning rainbow
Please signal Paul
For your sound will tell him where the car is parked
As you splatter on the sidewalk.
Listen to these lyrics because afterwards there'll be a quiz
Listen to these lyrics because afterwards there'll be a quiz
The lawn cigar sticks to your shoe to ride into your house with you
The lawn cigar sticks to your shoe to ride into your house with you.
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz.
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz.
Piston: And there you have it folks, the new number one song by The Paulie Family!
(Piston looks up at the clock on the wall.)
Piston: Gee, Paul and Tracy should’ve been here by now. I wonder where they are…
(The phone rings. It’s Paul calling.)
Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!
Paul: Hey, do you have a Yellow Pages handy?
Piston: Paul, is that you?
Paul: Of course it’s me! You were expecting a fat woman complaining about how we always make fun of fat people maybe?
Piston: No, it’s just that I thought you and Tracy were going to be here to talk about the new song.
Paul: Well we were, but first we were going to demonstrate to the rest of the band how the new prison cell on the tour bus is completely escape proof.
Piston: And how did that go?
Paul: Well it’s definitely escape proof, and now we can’t get out.
Piston: You locked yourself in your own prison cell?
Paul: What do you mean I locked myself in my own prison cell? Why do you always assume that just because something really stupid has happened that it must have been my fault?
Piston: Well it’s just that usually…
Paul: Because there are plenty of other people in this band that are just as stupid as I am!
Piston: Well okay, but we never really hear about anyone else in the band being…
Paul: SO ARE YOU INSINUATING THAT I’M THE ONLY ONE IN THE BAND STUPID ENOUGH TO LOCK THE ENTIRE BAND IN A PRISON CELL???!!!
Piston: You locked the entire band in a prison cell?
Paul: YOU SEE, THERE YOU GO AGAIN!!! AUTOMATICALLY ASSUMING THAT THIS IS ALL MY FAULT!!!
Piston: Well then, how did you all get locked in the prison cell?
Paul: I left the keys on the coffee table… NOW DO YOU HAVE A YELLOW PAGES HANDY OR NOT???!!!
Piston: Uuuuuh… Hold on, I’ll look.
(As Piston searches for the Yellow Pages you can hear the following conversation taking place over the speaker phone:)
Paul: Hey, can you guys keep it down? I’m on the phone!
Raisin: You’re not going to do that in here, are you?
Enos: Aye, and why else would they put a toilet in a prison cell?
Paul: Don’t you point that thing at me!
Tracy: Would you hurry up? I have to go too.
Enos: Wait a minute, WHERE’S THE TOILET PAPER???!!!
Raisin: You’re not going to do THAT in here, are you?
Paul: YOU’D BETTER NOT!!!
Enos: THEN YOU SHOULD’VE PUT IN A WINDOW!!!
Tracy: JD, loan him your handkerchief.
JD: What? Why do I have to give him MY HANDKERCHIEF???!!!
Tracy: Well if you weren’t always dressing in a three-piece suit with a handkerchief sticking out of the breast pocket we wouldn’t even know you had a handkerchief, would we?
Paul: This is all Tim’s fault! If he wasn’t always out managing the damn roads he’d be here to go get the keys and let us out!
Tracy: How do you know you wouldn’t have locked him in here too?
Paul: YOU SEE, THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!!! EVERYBODY IS ALWAYS BLAMING ME FOR EVERYTHING!!!
JD: I am NOT giving him my handkerchief!
Tracy: Y’know, if you were more of a team player you might get more lines to say!
Raisin: OH MY GOD, HE IS DOING IT IN HERE!!!
(A loud splash is heard followed by the sound of a toilet flushing.)
Enos: Wheeeeeeeeeeeew! That was a load off my mind!
Raisin: DAMNIT PAUL, WHY DIDN’T YOU PUT A WINDOW IN THIS CELL???!!!
Paul: Because it’s supposed to be ESCAPE PROOF!!!
Tracy: Well thanks to your escape proof cell we can all now BASK HERE IN ENOS’S AFTERGLOW!!!
Enos: Phew! I gotta lay off the haggis!
(The sound of general mayhem and a lot of coughing and gagging can now be heard.)
Raisin: JD, did you give him your handkerchief?
JD: Of course not, nobody is wiping their ass with MY HANDKERCHIEF!!!
Enos: I don’t need your bleedin’ handkerchief anymore!
Raisin: Wait a minute, what did you use to wipe?
Enos: I used the inside of my kilt.
Raisin: Are you kidding me?
Enos: Of course not… see?
Raisin: EEEEEEEEYYYYOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Paul: Did you have to show us that?
Enos: The nosy wench shouldn’t have asked me what I used to wipe with!
Tracy: I’m getting claustrophobic… I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!!!
Anita: Why isn’t there any beer in the refrigerator?
Helena: Why isn’t there a refrigerator in here?
Paul: There is no beer, and no refrigerator. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A PRISON CELL!!!
Anita: This prison cell sucks!
Helena: Yeah, and so does the refrigerator!
Raisin: Aren’t you going to wash your hands?
Enos: Oh, alright! Whoops… I dropped the soap. JD, can you get that for me?
JD: OOOOOOOOOOOH NOOOOOOOOOO!!! You’re not getting my handkerchief and I’m NOT PICKING UP THE SOAP FOR ANYBODY!!!
Enos: Fine, ya’ selfish bastard I’ll get it myself!
Tracy: YOU CAN’T KEEP ME IN HERE YA’ LOUSY COPPERS!!!
Paul: Who are you yelling at?
Tracy: The lousy coppers that put us in here.
Paul: The cops didn’t put us in here, you idiot, I did!
Tracy: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell now… The tables have turned now, haven’t they?
Paul: What are you talking about?
Tracy: You know what they do with cops in prison, don’t you?
Paul: Before you go getting too emotionally involved in your role playing I’d like to remind you that I’M NOT A COP!!!
Tracy: Yeah, well you still keep the po’ man down… ya’ jive ass HONKY!!!
(Everyone goes dead quiet, except for Piston who’s still looking for the Yellow Pages, this is the first time anybody has heard Tracy call Paul a jive ass honky.)
Paul: What did you just call me?
Tracy: You heard me! What’s the matter, you got cracker crumbs in your ears?
Paul: Look, one more word out of you and I’ll have you LYNCHED!!!
(Meanwhile, Piston has located the Yellow Pages.)
Piston: Are you still there Paul?
Paul: Of course I’m still here, I’M LOCKED IN A PRISON CELL!!!
Piston: Well I found the Yellow Pages.
Paul: Good, give me a number for a locksmith.
(Piston shuffles through the pages.)
Piston: Let’s see here… There’s A-1 Locksmith Service, there’s ACME Locksmith Service, there’s Aw Crap, I Locked Myself Out Locksmith Service…
Paul: We’re not locked out, we’re locked in!
(Piston shuffles through some more pages.)
Piston: Okay, how about this one… Aw Crap, I Locked Myself In My Own Prison Cell Locksmith Service. Open 24-7 including all holidays. VISA and MasterCard accepted.
Paul: I don’t have a VISA or MasterCard!
(In the background the following can be heard:)
Tracy: I have VISA and MasterCard!
Paul: Good, we’re going to need it.
Tracy: I want to talk to the big breasted, brown eyed brunette bouncing buoyantly in a babbling brook!
Paul: What are you talking about?
Tracy: Well why else would you need a credit card to talk on the phone?
Paul: You know, it may surprise you to know that there are women on this planet that don’t need a credit card number before they’ll talk to you!
Tracy: Yeah, but all they do is call up to complain about how we’re always making fun of fat people.
(Paul decides to ignore Tracy and go back to talking to Piston.)
Paul: Okay, what’s the number?
Piston: 503-227…
Paul: Wait a minute, I need to write it down!
(In the background you can now hear the following:)
Paul: Hey, does anybody have a pencil or pen?
Enos: Aye, I’ve got one here in my back pocket!
Paul: You mean the back pocket on the kilt you used to wipe your ass?
Enos: Aye, it’s a number two pencil!
Paul: Does anybody ELSE have a pencil or pen?
(No reply. Paul goes back to talking to Piston.)
Paul: Okay, you’re going to have to write it down for me.
(Piston doesn’t see the logic in writing down the phone number for Paul when he’s on the other end of the phone, but he decides to play along anyway.)
Piston: Uuuuuuuuh… Okay then, I’m writing down the number.
Paul: Good, now call them up and send them over to let us out… AND HURRY!!!
Piston: Paul?
Paul: What?
Piston: There’s just one thing I have to ask.
Paul: What’s that?
Piston: If you’re locked in a prison cell how is it that you’re able to make a phone call?
Paul: I’M USING A CELL PHONE, YOU IDIOT!!! NOW HURRY UP AND SEND HELP!!!
(Paul hangs up.)
Piston: Well folks, this show didn’t go at all according to plan. Oh well, it looks like that’s all the time we have for today’s show, so be sure to join us here again next time for Radio Free Urine!
THE END
Credits: Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter
Attorney at Log
Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon
Band Leader, Lead and Rhythm Guitars,
Script Ideas.
Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher
Road Manager, Script Ideas.
JD (Don’t Know What The D Stands For) Sears
Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, Conga Player,
Script Ideas.
Also appearing were The Brass Bras:
Raisin Blisters
Anita Bonghit
Helena Bucket
posted by The Paulie Family at 12:45 PM
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