The Blood & Bath Movie Review

The Blood & Bath Movie Review 2006



Meet The Feebles (1989 New Zealand)

Directed by Peter Jackson

Meet The Feebles was director Peter Jackson’s second movie, sandwiched in between Bad Taste and Dead/Alive. This movie can best be described as The Muppets all grown up and suffering from the ill-effects of adulthood. This movie is referred to by many critics as a “gross out comedy,” but it’s really not all that gross compared to some of the other movies we’ve reviewed.

The plot? Yes, oddly enough there is a plot. There’s a show called The Fabulous Feebles Variety Hour, the Feebles are basically animal puppets, and so are all of the crew, director, producer, etc. During the course of rehearsal and the events leading up to air time we learn about the characters. The star of the show is Heidi The Hippo, who has an eating problem. Whenever things don’t go Heidi’s way she runs crying to Bletch, the Walrus producer, who is having an affair with his Cat secretary. Meanwhile there are other cast members with their own personal problems, such as the Rabbit with AIDS, the ex-Vietnam vet Frog who is addicted to Heroin, and a Rat that directs porno movies on the side.

Oddly enough, the most accurate thing about this movie is the behind-the-scenes goings on that are such a big part of Hollywood. If your children ever dream about running away to Hollywood and becoming stars, make them watch Meet The Feebles. Although there’s not a whole lot of ground breaking originality in the script, this movie is a major visual freakout. This would be a great movie to watch on acid. The music isn’t all that brilliant, but I did enjoy the song One Leg Missing.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions



The Janitor (2003, USA)

Directed by Andy Signor and TJ Nordaker

This is one of the most absolutely wonderfully awful movies I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot of them. Andy Signor, who co-wrote and co-directed, plays Lionel. Lionel has been a janitor since the age of seven, and he lives along with his janitor partner, Mr. Growbo, in the janitor’s closet of a large corporation (rent free). Lionel takes his job seriously, and he has no tolerance for anybody that doesn’t treat him with proper respect, which is pretty much everybody.

Lionel kills a hell of a lot of people in this movie, all in pretty spectacular ways, and that’s pretty much where all of the seriousness ends. This movie is incredibly funny in so many ways. There’s the bad acting and the even worse special effects. There’s the cameo appearances by Lloyd Kaufman of Troma. There’s the nudity. There’s Lionel’s boss, who has an unusual fixation about STDs. There are no dull moments in this movie.

Eventually Lionel is offered a job as the janitor of a sorority house, which leads to an amazing plot twist and an even more amazing ending.

There are so many wonderful scenes in this movie. There’s the painting with the leg scene, the severed head scene, the destroy the semen scene, and so on. None of these scenes are quite what you would expect from any other movie with similar scenes, and the extra cheesy acting and special effects made me laugh from start to finish.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions



Street Trash (1987, USA)

Directed by Jim Muro

Another absolutely wonderfully awful movie. Wonderfully bad acting and wonderfully bad special effects (with the exception of the exploding wino scene) really push this movie over the top.

A liquor store owner discovers a crate hidden away in his basement. The crate is full of pint bottles of Tenafly Viper, a mysterious liquor that was deliberately tainted by the government. The liquor store owner decides to sell Tenafly Viper for $1.00 a bottle, and with a price like that it’s not long before every wino in the neighborhood is buying it up. However, one sip of Tenafly Viper and you immediately begin to melt (with the exception of the wino that explodes for no apparent reason) into the most delightfully colorful mess of paint.

If you live in Portland, Oregon, this movie will remind you of Dignity Village. If you live in Northeast Portland, you’ll swear they filmed this movie at one of those wrecking yards out by the airport.

This movie contains the famous Severed Genital Football scene, which alone is worth the price of admission.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions



The Magic Christian (1969, UK)

Directed by Joseph McGrath

What can I say? The Magic Christian ranks right up there with Dr. Strangelove and The Party as one of my favorite Peter Sellers movies. Peter Sellers plays Sir Guy Grand, the richest man in the world. Ringo Starr plays a homeless person named Youngman who gets adopted by Sir Guy. Together they set out putting the snobbish upper class of England in their places by spending huge amounts of money to set up the most bizarre events and circumstances.

Their biggest set up of all is The Magic Christian, the newest and most elite of all luxury liners, and only the elite upper class are allowed the privilege to pay a lot of money to sail on her maiden voyage. And Sir Guy and Youngman certainly take them all for a ride.

There are a lot of cameos in this movie including: Christopher Lee, Spike Milligan, John Cleese, Roman Polanski, Keith Moon, Graham Chapman, Raquel Welch, and Yul Brenner. This movie is fast paced, and if you’ve never seen it before you’ll be flying by the seat of your pants trying to keep up with it.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

The Paulie Family

The Paulie Family an entry by JD himself.

This is a story of a son of a Jewish businessman that owned a string of clothing stores. Each son ran a store. I was just locking mine up. It was located downtown; in the part of town slated for re-development. The kind of place that people went upstairs to shoot-up speed. It was a hot blistering evening as I headed the BMW for Spring Valley.
I had a handful of ludes but was in dire need of some Hindu-Kush, and my Spiritual Adviser was just the person that had some. He lived on top of a hill overlooking the valley with views stretching to Mexico. Many psychedelic evenings were spent there.
His house was the last one on the block. Luke the Goose was in the yard as I pulled up. The back door was never locked. Don't know if it even had a lock. And I always let myself in.
I headed down the Kumquat painted hallway. I glanced in the bedroom on the right and there was my Spiritual Adviser, the Reverend J.D. His thin young girl friend, hot, sweaty and naked...Her--- buns up kneeling...Him---wheeling and dealing. I shook my head and continued for the living. "Hi Paul" I heard them both say, with her giggling. "Hell-ooo" I barely replied "God I need a joint."
There where several rolled joints of debris on the rolling tray sitting on the coffee table.
I fired one up. The TV was on but no sound, the Padres were getting their asses kicked by the Giants. Dan Hicks was playing on the stereo.
"How can I miss you if you won't go awayyy..."
I sucked the thick smoke deep into my lungs, slowly exhaling. Then again. And maybe once more. By the time J.D. and Nancy came into the room, the viscous scent of Hindu-Kush enveloped the house.
"Here, suck on this" I said to Nancy as I handed over the roach.
We opened a bottle of Chateau Lynch Bages, popped a pair of ludes to start off the evening.
Part Two: The making of chocolate chip cookies and what we do to a passed out spiritual adviser.

Stay tuned for part two. It gets worse (better actually in the way of more fun)

RFU 2-06

RFU 2-06 Copyright 3/06 by McCall/Zimmon



Disclaimer: The following program contains material that is guaranteed to offend somebody somewhere. Reader discretion is advised.

Theme Music: They’re not in tune with nature
They’re not in tune with Zen
We thought they finally went away
But now they’re back again
So now for all you folks out there
Who do not have a clue
Here now is Piston McCauffey
The host of RFU…

Piston: Radio Free Urine is on the air! Hello to all you folks out there in radio land, this is your old friend, Piston McCauffey, coming to you from the big building with the statue of naked people out front.

Well we’re expecting Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon and Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall to be here any minute now to talk about The Paulie Family’s newest song, speaking of which, let’s take a look at this week’s Top 10 Pillboard Chart:

1. There Is A Full Beer by The Paulie Family
2. Nashville Cat Litter Boxes by The Lovin’ Shovelful
3. A Boy Named Jew by Johnny Cashewitz
4. Sweaty Betty by The Paulie Family
5. Logs Of War by Stink Floyd
6. Green Liver by Credence Beerwater Regurgitation
7. He Ain’t Sober, He’s My Brother by The Alcohollies
8. Look What They’ve Done To My Schlong, Ma by The New Leakers
9. Urine Love by Wilson Fillups
10. Have You Ever Been Yellow? by Olivia Newton Jaundice

And that’s right folks, The Paulie Family has another #1 song, and let’s listen to it now…

Music: There Is A Full Beer (Sung to the tune of There Is A Mountain by Donovan)

Listen to these lyrics because afterwards there'll be a quiz
Listen to these lyrics because afterwards there'll be a quiz
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz.

The lawn cigar sticks to your shoe to ride into your house with you
The lawn cigar sticks to your shoe to ride into your house with you
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz.

Yawning rainbow, yawning rainbow, yawning rainbow
Please signal Paul
For your sound will tell him where the car is parked
As you splatter on the sidewalk.

Listen to these lyrics because afterwards there'll be a quiz
Listen to these lyrics because afterwards there'll be a quiz
The lawn cigar sticks to your shoe to ride into your house with you
The lawn cigar sticks to your shoe to ride into your house with you.

First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz.
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz.

Piston: And there you have it folks, the new number one song by The Paulie Family!

(Piston looks up at the clock on the wall.)

Piston: Gee, Paul and Tracy should’ve been here by now. I wonder where they are…

(The phone rings. It’s Paul calling.)

Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!

Paul: Hey, do you have a Yellow Pages handy?

Piston: Paul, is that you?

Paul: Of course it’s me! You were expecting a fat woman complaining about how we always make fun of fat people maybe?

Piston: No, it’s just that I thought you and Tracy were going to be here to talk about the new song.

Paul: Well we were, but first we were going to demonstrate to the rest of the band how the new prison cell on the tour bus is completely escape proof.

Piston: And how did that go?

Paul: Well it’s definitely escape proof, and now we can’t get out.

Piston: You locked yourself in your own prison cell?

Paul: What do you mean I locked myself in my own prison cell? Why do you always assume that just because something really stupid has happened that it must have been my fault?

Piston: Well it’s just that usually…

Paul: Because there are plenty of other people in this band that are just as stupid as I am!

Piston: Well okay, but we never really hear about anyone else in the band being…

Paul: SO ARE YOU INSINUATING THAT I’M THE ONLY ONE IN THE BAND STUPID ENOUGH TO LOCK THE ENTIRE BAND IN A PRISON CELL???!!!

Piston: You locked the entire band in a prison cell?

Paul: YOU SEE, THERE YOU GO AGAIN!!! AUTOMATICALLY ASSUMING THAT THIS IS ALL MY FAULT!!!

Piston: Well then, how did you all get locked in the prison cell?

Paul: I left the keys on the coffee table… NOW DO YOU HAVE A YELLOW PAGES HANDY OR NOT???!!!

Piston: Uuuuuh… Hold on, I’ll look.

(As Piston searches for the Yellow Pages you can hear the following conversation taking place over the speaker phone:)

Paul: Hey, can you guys keep it down? I’m on the phone!

Raisin: You’re not going to do that in here, are you?

Enos: Aye, and why else would they put a toilet in a prison cell?

Paul: Don’t you point that thing at me!

Tracy: Would you hurry up? I have to go too.

Enos: Wait a minute, WHERE’S THE TOILET PAPER???!!!

Raisin: You’re not going to do THAT in here, are you?

Paul: YOU’D BETTER NOT!!!

Enos: THEN YOU SHOULD’VE PUT IN A WINDOW!!!

Tracy: JD, loan him your handkerchief.

JD: What? Why do I have to give him MY HANDKERCHIEF???!!!

Tracy: Well if you weren’t always dressing in a three-piece suit with a handkerchief sticking out of the breast pocket we wouldn’t even know you had a handkerchief, would we?

Paul: This is all Tim’s fault! If he wasn’t always out managing the damn roads he’d be here to go get the keys and let us out!

Tracy: How do you know you wouldn’t have locked him in here too?

Paul: YOU SEE, THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!!! EVERYBODY IS ALWAYS BLAMING ME FOR EVERYTHING!!!

JD: I am NOT giving him my handkerchief!

Tracy: Y’know, if you were more of a team player you might get more lines to say!

Raisin: OH MY GOD, HE IS DOING IT IN HERE!!!

(A loud splash is heard followed by the sound of a toilet flushing.)

Enos: Wheeeeeeeeeeeew! That was a load off my mind!

Raisin: DAMNIT PAUL, WHY DIDN’T YOU PUT A WINDOW IN THIS CELL???!!!

Paul: Because it’s supposed to be ESCAPE PROOF!!!

Tracy: Well thanks to your escape proof cell we can all now BASK HERE IN ENOS’S AFTERGLOW!!!

Enos: Phew! I gotta lay off the haggis!

(The sound of general mayhem and a lot of coughing and gagging can now be heard.)

Raisin: JD, did you give him your handkerchief?

JD: Of course not, nobody is wiping their ass with MY HANDKERCHIEF!!!

Enos: I don’t need your bleedin’ handkerchief anymore!

Raisin: Wait a minute, what did you use to wipe?

Enos: I used the inside of my kilt.

Raisin: Are you kidding me?

Enos: Of course not… see?

Raisin: EEEEEEEEYYYYOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Paul: Did you have to show us that?

Enos: The nosy wench shouldn’t have asked me what I used to wipe with!

Tracy: I’m getting claustrophobic… I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!!!

Anita: Why isn’t there any beer in the refrigerator?

Helena: Why isn’t there a refrigerator in here?

Paul: There is no beer, and no refrigerator. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A PRISON CELL!!!

Anita: This prison cell sucks!

Helena: Yeah, and so does the refrigerator!

Raisin: Aren’t you going to wash your hands?

Enos: Oh, alright! Whoops… I dropped the soap. JD, can you get that for me?

JD: OOOOOOOOOOOH NOOOOOOOOOO!!! You’re not getting my handkerchief and I’m NOT PICKING UP THE SOAP FOR ANYBODY!!!

Enos: Fine, ya’ selfish bastard I’ll get it myself!

Tracy: YOU CAN’T KEEP ME IN HERE YA’ LOUSY COPPERS!!!

Paul: Who are you yelling at?

Tracy: The lousy coppers that put us in here.

Paul: The cops didn’t put us in here, you idiot, I did!

Tracy: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell now… The tables have turned now, haven’t they?

Paul: What are you talking about?

Tracy: You know what they do with cops in prison, don’t you?

Paul: Before you go getting too emotionally involved in your role playing I’d like to remind you that I’M NOT A COP!!!

Tracy: Yeah, well you still keep the po’ man down… ya’ jive ass HONKY!!!

(Everyone goes dead quiet, except for Piston who’s still looking for the Yellow Pages, this is the first time anybody has heard Tracy call Paul a jive ass honky.)

Paul: What did you just call me?

Tracy: You heard me! What’s the matter, you got cracker crumbs in your ears?

Paul: Look, one more word out of you and I’ll have you LYNCHED!!!

(Meanwhile, Piston has located the Yellow Pages.)

Piston: Are you still there Paul?

Paul: Of course I’m still here, I’M LOCKED IN A PRISON CELL!!!

Piston: Well I found the Yellow Pages.

Paul: Good, give me a number for a locksmith.

(Piston shuffles through the pages.)

Piston: Let’s see here… There’s A-1 Locksmith Service, there’s ACME Locksmith Service, there’s Aw Crap, I Locked Myself Out Locksmith Service…

Paul: We’re not locked out, we’re locked in!

(Piston shuffles through some more pages.)

Piston: Okay, how about this one… Aw Crap, I Locked Myself In My Own Prison Cell Locksmith Service. Open 24-7 including all holidays. VISA and MasterCard accepted.

Paul: I don’t have a VISA or MasterCard!

(In the background the following can be heard:)

Tracy: I have VISA and MasterCard!

Paul: Good, we’re going to need it.

Tracy: I want to talk to the big breasted, brown eyed brunette bouncing buoyantly in a babbling brook!

Paul: What are you talking about?

Tracy: Well why else would you need a credit card to talk on the phone?

Paul: You know, it may surprise you to know that there are women on this planet that don’t need a credit card number before they’ll talk to you!

Tracy: Yeah, but all they do is call up to complain about how we’re always making fun of fat people.

(Paul decides to ignore Tracy and go back to talking to Piston.)

Paul: Okay, what’s the number?

Piston: 503-227…

Paul: Wait a minute, I need to write it down!

(In the background you can now hear the following:)

Paul: Hey, does anybody have a pencil or pen?

Enos: Aye, I’ve got one here in my back pocket!

Paul: You mean the back pocket on the kilt you used to wipe your ass?

Enos: Aye, it’s a number two pencil!

Paul: Does anybody ELSE have a pencil or pen?

(No reply. Paul goes back to talking to Piston.)

Paul: Okay, you’re going to have to write it down for me.

(Piston doesn’t see the logic in writing down the phone number for Paul when he’s on the other end of the phone, but he decides to play along anyway.)

Piston: Uuuuuuuuh… Okay then, I’m writing down the number.

Paul: Good, now call them up and send them over to let us out… AND HURRY!!!

Piston: Paul?

Paul: What?

Piston: There’s just one thing I have to ask.

Paul: What’s that?

Piston: If you’re locked in a prison cell how is it that you’re able to make a phone call?

Paul: I’M USING A CELL PHONE, YOU IDIOT!!! NOW HURRY UP AND SEND HELP!!!

(Paul hangs up.)

Piston: Well folks, this show didn’t go at all according to plan. Oh well, it looks like that’s all the time we have for today’s show, so be sure to join us here again next time for Radio Free Urine!

THE END

Credits: Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter
Attorney at Log

Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon
Band Leader, Lead and Rhythm Guitars,
Script Ideas.

Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher
Road Manager, Script Ideas.

JD (Don’t Know What The D Stands For) Sears
Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, Conga Player,
Script Ideas.

Also appearing were The Brass Bras:
Raisin Blisters
Anita Bonghit
Helena Bucket

RFU 1-06

RFU 1-06 Copyright 2/06 by McCall/Zimmon/Gallagher



Disclaimer: The following program contains material that is guaranteed to offend somebody somewhere. Reader discretion is advised.

Theme Music: They’re not in tune with nature
They’re not in tune with Zen
We thought they finally went away
But now they’re back again
So now for all you folks out there
Who do not have a clue
Here now is Piston McCauffey
The host of RFU…

Piston: Radio Free Urine is on the air! Hello to all you folks out there in radio land, this is your old friend, Piston McCauffey, coming to you from the big building with the statue of naked people out front.

Well after a year-long hiatus The Paulie Family is once again back in the charts. Speaking of which, let’s take a look at this week’s Top 10 Pillboard Chart:

1. Sweaty Betty by The Paulie Family
2. Are You Constipated? by The Jimi Exlax Experience
3. I Can Hear Belching by The Belch Boys
4. Eyes Of The Urinal by The Grateful Drench
5. The Ream Police by Cheap Date
6. I Don’t Want To Soil The Carpet by The Dung Beetles
7. For Your Log by The Yardturds
8. Some Place To Go Whiz by The Jefferson Outhouse
9. I’m Not Your Freakin’ Pharmacist by The Junkees
10. Ichypoo Park by Small Feces

And that’s right folks, after taking a whole year off The Paulie Family is back with another #1 song, and let’s listen to it now…

Music: Sweaty Betty Copyright 1/06 by TM & Co.

I’m gonna tell ya’ a story about a woman I know
She’s got two big feet but only one big toe
She’s a lot of fun when she’s in the mood
But it’s even better when she’s in the nude.

Y’know she has to stand up when she’s takin’ a leak
‘Cos she’s got two big hips, but only one butt cheek
She’s got two big legs and two boney knees
The other guys don’t like her ‘cos she smells like cheese.

Well she gets excited an then she gets wet
And then she climbs on top of me and works up a sweat.

Her name is Sweaty Betty; she’s a real live wire
And I really don’t mind when she starts to perspire
Oh sure, there’s underarm products and she’s tried them all
But they just don’t work, she’s like a waterfall.

She’s only got one ear on the side of her head
It doesn’t bother me none ‘cos she’s great in bed
And in the heat of passion she’ll let out a scream
She keeps me up all night; she’s like a live wet dream.

She’s had a lot of other guys, but she broke all their hearts
She won’t talk about her missing body parts.

YEAH!!!

Sweaty Betty, she’s my girl.
She really gives my heart a whirl.
Come here, baby, we’re gonna boff
And afterwards you can towel off.

Oh yeah.

Piston: And there you have it folks, the new number one song by The Paulie Family! And now here to talk about what they’ve been up to for the past year here are The Paulie Family front men themselves, Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon and Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall!

(Paul and Tracy enter the radio studio)

Piston: Well Paul, how have you been?

Paul: Don’t you start with me!

(For those of you who are new to the show, Paul has never liked Piston’s happy go lucky attitude.)

Piston: Okay then, Tracy, how have you been?

Tracy: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell I’ll tell ya’…

Paul: Hey, wait a minute! I wasn’t finished yet!

Piston: Okay then, Paul…

Paul: Don’t you start with me!

(Piston has grown use to difficulties with Paul, and he’s figured out a way to counter it. Piston poses a generalized question.)

Piston: So what’s new with The Paulie Family?

Paul: It’s about time you finally got to me! Now then, I’m happy to announce that we’ve built a new prison in the tour bus.

Piston: A prison? Why would you need a prison on the tour bus?

Paul: To deal with malcontents within the band, as well as upstarts!

(Tracy springs to his feet.)

Tracy: UPSTARTS???!!!

Paul: Not you, Fatso!

(Paul has actually lost a lot of weight and now actually weighs less than Tracy. Paul has waited for years to get back at Tracy for all the times he’s called Paul Fatso.)

Tracy: Who are you calling Fat…

(Tracy stops and looks around the radio studio and realizes he’s the fattest person in the room.)

Tracy: Never mind.

Paul: Yeah, you’re not so smart anymore, are you?

Tracy: I’m only fatter than you, not dumber.

Paul: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey, wait a minute now…

(The phone rings. It’s the fat woman that’s always calling in to complain about how The Paulie Family is always making fun of fat people. She’s very excited to hear about Tracy being fatter than Paul.)

Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!

Fat Woman: I just wanted to congratulate Tracy for finally becoming a member of the gravitationally challenged.

Tracy: Gravitationally challenged?

Fat Woman: Yeah, you know, those of us who are more greatly affected by the pull of gravity due to the mass of our bodies?

Tracy: You mean fat people?

Fat Woman: Yes, now that you’re one of us maybe you can be like our celebrity spokesman.

Tracy: Well that depends. How much do you weigh?

Fat Woman: I’m all the way down to 368 pounds!

Tracy: All the way down from where?

Fat Woman: 370 pounds.

Tracy: And how long did it take you to lose both of those pounds?

Fat Woman: 12 weeks.

Tracy: 12 weeks? Wow! At that rate you should reach your ideal body weight in 25 years!

Fat Woman: One day at a time, that’s my motto. So are you interested in being a celebrity spokesman?

Tracy: Well I hate to tell you this but…

(Tracy pauses for a minute.)

Tracy: No, on second thought I’m going to enjoy telling you this. You’re still going to be a lot fatter than I am for a hell of a long time! So long, poster girl!

(Tracy hangs up.)

Piston: So, getting back to the new prison…

Paul: That’s right, we have a new prison on the tour bus. Now we don’t have to worry about band members jumping ship in the middle of a tour.

Piston: Is The Paulie Family going to tour again?

Paul: Of course! We have our road manager working on it right now. Which reminds me, where in the hell is Tim?

(The phone rings again. This time it’s Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher, the Paulie Family road manager.)

Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!

Tim: Why are you guys always talking about me when I’m not there?

Paul: Because you’re never here! You’re supposed to be the road manager, where the hell are you?

Tim: I’m on the road, where else would I be? I’m the road manager, remember?

Paul: Well then why don’t you clue in all of our fans and tell us what you’ve been doing on the road?

Tim: I’d be glad to! I’ve been out managing the roads. Last summer, as you recall, was extremely hot. This made all the roads soft and dry. Then hurricanes and tornadoes blew like crazy and the dry, fly-away roads went every which way, tangling them into knots and threatening dreadlock-like gridlocks.

(Paul turns to Tracy.)

Paul: Do you have any idea what he’s talking about?

Tracy: Don’t look at me, you hired him.

Tim: And of course, being the road manager it is my duty to make the roads more manageable; so, modeling my idea on the tour bus, I designed and assembled the largest spray bottle of leave-in conditioner in the history of Man.

Paul: I swear to God, I’m never hiring another bald person as long as I live, even if I don’t live that long! WOULD YOU JUST TELL US WHAT YOU’VE BEEN DOING ALL THIS TIME???!!!

Tim: All this time I have been out spraying America's roads, easing the tangles and leaving them shiny and manageable. If you look at a current map of the United States, you will see the difference from even a few months ago. America looked ratted, man; but now it's virtually tangle-free and traffic is moving smoothly – a necessity with gas prices as steep as they are.

Tracy: He does have a good point there.

(Piston pulls out his brand new Rand-McNally road map and opens it up.)

Piston: And just look how shiny the roads are!

(Paul is determined not to let things get out of hand like in the old days when chaos ruled. So he pulls out a gun.)

Paul: Now everybody just hold it right there!

Piston: Paul, you have a gun?

Paul: Not just any gun, this is a .44 magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and it will blow your head clean off! What do you think about that?

Tracy: Nice Clint Eastwood impersonation!

Paul: Shut up!

(Paul waves the gun around in a menacing manner.)

Paul: Now I’m gonna warn you all right now… I DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE THIS!!! There’s gonna be some changes around here, starting with some of the personnel!

Tracy: You can’t change the personnel!

(Paul sticks the gun barrel in Tracy’s face.)

Paul: That’s what you think! First of all I’m firing Stoney (Killer) Green!

Tracy: What for?

Paul: For providing inferior smokable products!

Tracy: And who in the hell is going to play bass?

Paul: Enos McPenis can play bass!

Tracy: Enos McPenis can’t play bass.

Paul: And why the hell not?

Tracy: Because he doesn’t know how.

(Paul ponders that thought for a moment.)

Paul: I don’t care! I’m tired of him sitting at the keyboards and letting the audience look up his kilt! I’M THE BANDLEADER AND I WANT THE AUDIENCE TO STARE AT ME IN WIDE-EYED DISGUST!!! So Enos can just stand up and play like the rest of us!

(JD ((Don’t know what the D stands for)) Sears, the conga player and Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, walks into the radio studio.)

Piston: Hey everybody, it’s JD (Don’t know what the D stands for) Sears!

Paul: Hey JD, check it out. I took your advice and bought a gun!

(Tracy turns to JD.)

Tracy: You advised Paul to BUY A GUN???!!!

JD: Don’t worry, I make sure he keeps it unloaded. That way he’s able to feel more confident and in control without doing anything stupid.

Paul: Yeah, it’s not even loaded, so don’t soil your athletic supporter! And anyway I’m not stupid enough to actua… aaah… AAAAACHOOOOO!!!

(As Paul sneezes his fingers contract and make him squeeze the trigger on the .44 magnum, which during a drunken stupor Paul made sure it wasn’t loaded but needed a safe place to keep the bullets so he stored them back in the gun for safekeeping. The recoil sends the gun barrel crashing into Paul’s forehead, knocking him unconscious. As he falls to the floor the bullet smashes its way through the window, across the street, and into a Wal-Mart parking lot where the sound of breaking glass, car alarms, dogs barking, women screaming, and babies crying can now be heard.)

(Tracy turns to JD.)

Tracy: AND YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING???!!!

JD: Y’know, this Spiritual Advisor crap is a real pain in the ass! And I’m not referring to that time I got shot in the butt!

Tracy: You know the rules. You’re his Spiritual Advisor, so you have to drag him back to the bus when he’s unconscious!

JD: Can’t we just wait till he wakes up?

Tracy: And find out how many more bullets he’s got? No way, YOU GET HIM OUT OF HERE NOW!!!

(JD reluctantly drags Paul away.)

Piston: Well Tracy, it looks like everything’s back to normal with The Paulie Family!

(Meanwhile, Tim is still on the phone.)

Tim: Can I hang up now?

Tracy: Don’t hang up yet, I have a special guest!

Piston: You brought a special guest?

Tracy: Oh yeah, I brought my dad in to tell everybody the joke he told me on Christmas.

(Tracy’s dad walks into the radio studio and lights a cigarette. For those of you who have never met Tracy’s dad, he’s really good at telling jokes.)

Tracy’s Dad: Was that Paul I saw being dragged down the hall?

Tracy: Yeah.

Tracy’s Dad: What’s wrong with him?

Tracy: He had a gun.

(Tracy’s dad frowns in disapproval; he used to be a Hunter Safety Instructor.)

Tracy: Okay dad, tell them your joke!

Tracy’s Dad: Four women decide they want to become nuns. So they all go down to the cathedral to ask the Priest how to go about it. The Priest tells them to all stand in a line facing the Holy Water. He tells the women that before they can become nuns they must cleanse all of the sin from their bodies. He then asks the first woman to step forward. She steps forward and the Priest says “Tell me child, have you ever touched a man’s penis?

The woman replies “Yes Father.”

The priest says “Then you must place the finger you touched it with in the Holy Water and cleanse it of sin.”

She does so and the Priest tells her to take her place back in line.

The priest tells the second woman to step forward and says “Tell me child, have you ever grabbed a man’s penis?”

The woman replies “Yes Father.”

The priest says “Then you must place the hand you grabbed it with in the Holy Water and cleanse it of sin.”

She does so and the Priest tells her to take her place back in line.

The Priest is just about to call the third woman forward when the fourth woman speaks up and says “Excuse me, Father, but do the rest of us have to cleanse our bodies of sin this way?”

The Priest replies “Yes, my child.”

The woman replies back “In that case, Father, can I gargle the Holy Water now before Bertha sticks her butt in it?”

(Piston presses the Rim Shot button on his sound effect board. Tracy’s dad lights another cigarette and walks out of the studio. Tim can be heard laughing hysterically over the phone.)

Piston: Well Gee, Tracy. Maybe we should have your dad on the show more often.

Tracy: That’s not really a good idea. He doesn’t like loud music unless it’s bagpipes, and if he and Enos ever get together...

(Both Tracy and Piston pause for a moment to have flashbacks of their childhoods involving bagpipe music. They both shudder violently. Meanwhile, Tim is still on the phone.)

Tim: Hey, if anybody’s listening I have to go now. It takes forever to shake this bottle of conditioner well before using.

(Tim hangs up. Tracy turns to Piston.)

Tracy: Anything else?

Piston: Nope.

Tracy: In that case, I’m outta here!

(Tracy leaves the studio.)

Piston: Well folks, it looks like that’s all the time we have for today’s show, so be sure to join us here again next time for Radio Free Urine!

THE END

Credits: Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter
Attorney at Log

Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon
Band Leader, Lead and Rhythm Guitars,
Script Ideas.

Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher
Road Manager, Script Ideas.

JD (Don’t Know What The D Stands For) Sears
Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, Conga Player,
Script Ideas.

Tracy’s Dad appeared courtesy of a pitcher of beer and a carton of cigarettes.