The Blood & Bath Movie Review
Fatty Drives The Bus (1999, USA)
Directed by Mick Napier
Every now and then, despite my efforts to fully research a movie before I buy it on DVD, I wind up getting suckered by all the rave reviews on Amazon.com. Fatty Drives The Bus is a perfect example. My main reason for buying this DVD is that it was released by Troma Entertainment. I’m a big fan of Troma movies, and I know what to expect from them, but this one falls way short of expectations.
This movie had so much potential; the premise itself is so bizarre that in the hands of Troma how could it go wrong? The plot centers on Satan not meeting his monthly quota on souls, and he learns that one of the reasons is that a “Cheap Ass Tours” bus has cancelled its tour because it turns out that Jesus is also in town that day. So Satan takes matter into his own hands and disguises himself as a tour guide, and along with his driver, Fatty, takes a group of rather odd individuals on a sight-seeing tour of Chicago.
A true Troma fan knows to expect any or all of the following in a Troma movie: Blood, gore, violence, nudity, and over the top acting. Fatty Drives The Bus has none of these qualities. In fact, the only genuinely funny moments in this movie is with the opening line of “Mornin’ Satan, wanna donut?”, and the constant references to the location where the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre took place. Other than that, this movie just ain’t funny, the acting is way too subdued and lackluster, and Fatty, the driver, really doesn’t even have any memorable lines or scenes.
I love a movie that’s “So bad it’s good.” But this movie is just plain bad, and not in a good way.
Rating from 1 to 10: 2.
Ed And His Dead Mother (1993, USA)
Directed by Jonathan Wacks
Here’s another movie that had so much potential only to fall way short of expectations. Steve Buscemi has played some memorable roles. I thought he was great in Fargo. And although Ned Beatty does a wonderful performance in this movie, it just doesn’t help make this movie any better.
Again we start with an excellent premise. Ed is played by Steve Buscemi. Ed’s mother died about a year ago, and Ed misses her dearly. Ed’s Uncle Benny (Played by Ned Beatty), doesn’t miss his deceased sister one bit because he can finally live in his sister’s house along with his nephew, Ed, and gaze through his telescope at the sexy new neighbor across the street without having his overbearing sister butting in.
And then one day along comes A.J. Pattle (Played by John Glover), a salesman for Happy People, Ltd. It seems that for the very low price of only $1,000 Ed’s mother can be brought back to life, and Ed quickly agrees. But of course, bringing dead people back to life can have its unforeseen complications. It turns out that in order for Ed’s mother to be perfectly “normal” she has to eat bugs. But if she eats too many bugs she tends to go into hyper drive and do rather unusual things, such as painting the kitchen overnight and baking a couple hundred pies, or chasing the neighbor’s dog down the street with a carving knife and fork.
Ed is thrilled to have his mother back at home, but of course Uncle Benny isn’t. One of the best scenes in this movie is when Ed comes downstairs for breakfast and Uncle Benny just sort of casually mentions “Ed… your mother’s in the refrigerator.” Ed opens the refrigerator and sure enough, there’s mom peeling potatoes. Things get more and more complicated when the sexy neighbor starts making moves on Ed, but still this movie never really blasts off like it should.
The best way to describe this movie would be if you take Peter Jackson’s Dead/Alive and remove all the blood, gore, and violence so it only gets a PG-13 rating. Ed’s mother doesn’t even look remotely dead. In many ways this movie has a lot of funny moments, but it just never reaches the gut busting stage, and in the end you wind up feeling screwed, and not in a good way.
Rating from 1 to 10: 4.
Saw III (2006, USA)
Directed by Darren Lynn Bousman
I haven’t actually seen either of the first two Saw movies, so I really can’t compare Saw III to the first two movies. However, after watching Saw III I can safely say “Wow!” Now here’s a movie that truly delivers the goods: Nasty scenes of torture, spectacular deaths with plenty of blood and gore, some fine gratuitous nudity, and a wonderful plot twist at the end.
The plot? Well there’s this bad guy named Jigsaw (Played by Tobin Bell), who with the help of his apprentice, Amanda (Played by Shawnee Smith), go around kidnapping people for some reason that I never quite figured out, and lock them into a maze of torture and deadly traps.
As I’ve already stated, I’ve never seen the first two Saw movies so I can’t compare Saw III to either of the first two, but I do know what I like and Saw III impressed me on all levels. There are scenes in this movie that I cannot even begin to describe; you’ll just have to see it for yourself.
If you think a good horror movie is nothing more than just another run of the mill slasher flick, then steer clear of Saw III. But for you true fans of blood and gore this is a must see movie, and I’m definitely going to check out the first two Saw movies.
Rating from 1 to 10: 9.5.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006, USA)
Directed by Jonathan Liebesman
Let’s start with a quick run down of all the TCM movies:
Texas Chainsaw Massacre – 1974. The original. I’ve always thought this movie was relatively tame by today’s standards, but in 1974 it made quite an impression on people.
TCM 2 – 1986. This first sequel wasn’t too bad. A nice blend of horror/comedy.
TCM 3 – 1990. I know I saw it about 10 years ago, but I don’t actually remember anything about it.
TCM: The Next Generation – 1995. Absolutely SUCKS!!!
TCM (Remake of the original) – 2003. Haven’t seen it.
Which brings us to this latest sequel, TCM – The Beginning. Here we see how it all began with the birth of Thomas Hewitt, who would grow up to become the legendary Leatherface. Young Thomas is a bit slow in mind, and a bit deformed looking, but he overcomes these obstacles and grows up and gets a job at the local slaughterhouse. But the slaughterhouse falls victim to economic hard times in 1969 and closes down, but Thomas doesn’t want to leave.
Meanwhile, there are two brothers. The older one is getting ready to go and serve his second tour of duty in Vietnam (Yes folks, there actually were people back then who fell for all that “Honor of serving your country” bullshit); the younger one has just been drafted and isn’t too keen on the idea of going to war. The two brothers take their girlfriends out on a road trip for one last fling, and on the way back have an encounter with some rather unruly bikers which results in a car crash.
Just when things aren’t looking too good for the good guys, the Sheriff shows up. Well it’s not really the Sheriff. The Sheriff is played by R. Lee Ermey, yes folks, that annoying guy on Mail Call. But make no mistake here folks, Ermey knows how to play a bad guy and he does it extremely well in this movie. Anyway, the only reason he’s the Sheriff is because the whole town moved away when the slaughterhouse closed, and when the real Sheriff stopped by to say goodbye, “Uncle Charlie” killed him.
The Sheriff takes the good guys into custody, and the bad guys do bad things to the good guys. This movie is really great. It’s got all the wonderful graphic violence, wonderfully dark humor, and Ermey’s over the top acting really makes this movie work.
Rating from 1 to 10: 8.5.
Edgar Allan Poe’s The Raven (2006, USA)
Directed by Ulli Lommel
I’d like to start off by saying that Edgar Allan Poe is one of my all-time favorite writers. I’ve read his Complete Works – twice. And I enjoyed those Poe-related movies with Vincent Price back in the 60s. But after watching this movie all I could say was “WHAT THE FUCK!!!???” Let me repeat that just for emphasis… “WHAT THE FUCK!!!???”
Did anybody that had anything to do with this movie ever actually read anything by Poe? Nothing in this movie indicated that they had. It’s as if the director, screenwriter, and producer all took acid one day and in the middle of a psychedelic revelation they all said “Edgar Allan Poe’s The Raven… Gee, that’s a great title! Let’s make a movie that DOESN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING THAT POE EVER WROTE!!!”
The plot? Jesus Bloody H. Christ, where do I begin? A little girl named Lenore is adopted and raised by an old airline pilot… Yep, you heard right. She is also raised with the help of a couple on nuns. Lenore grows up, gets raped, and kills the rapist by electrocuting him in the bathtub. Let that be a lesson to all you future rapists out there… DON’T HANG AROUND AND TAKE A BATH AFTER COMMITTING RAPE!!!
Lenore becomes a singer in an all female band. The dead rapist apparently comes back from the dead and goes around killing all of Lenore’s friends with a knife. Intermixed in all this are scenes of Lenore asleep and dreaming while a very bad Poe impersonator stands by babbling and writing illegibly on a piece of paper.
This movie is nothing more than a cheap slasher flick, and not even a good one. In Poe’s writing he never resorted to cheap, mundane methods of death like getting stabbed to death. He always went for the unusual, the bizarre, the spectacular, and this movie has none of that. I paid $3.99 to see this on my On Demand Channel, and I got reamed. If you’re a fan of Edgar Allan Poe stay away from this movie at all cost, it will only insult your intelligence, and not in a good way.
Rating from 1 to 10: 2.
The Dentist (1996, USA)
Directed by Brian Yuzna
Folks, I haven’t been to a dentist since 1968. After watching this movie I’ll let every rotting, festering tooth I have fall out of my head before I let a dentist come anywhere near me. This is one creepy movie.
Corbin Bernsen turns in a brilliant performance as Dr. Feinstone. Dr. Feinstone has everything a dentist could possibly want; a successful practice, a nice house with a nice pool, and a beautiful wife with big tits. But the doctor is a little on edge today. He can’t find his cuff links, the IRS is threatening to audit him, and today is his wedding anniversary. And when the doctor discovers his wife is fooling around with the pool guy, the doctor goes right off the deep end – so to speak.
Although this movie is by no means a splatterfest, there are a couple of nice bloody gruesome scenes, and the psychological tension throughout this movie will have you on the edge of your seat, or whatever it is you’re sitting on at the time, and wondering “What will he do to the next patient?”
If you really hate dentists then you’ll identify with this movie. If you hate the IRS you’ll love what happens when the IRS agent shows up at the office and offers to make the doctors tax problems go away in exchange for some free dental work. This movie never slows down, and it builds and builds right up to the wonderful twist and the end.
Rating from 1 to 10: 8.
Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions
Directed by Mick Napier
Every now and then, despite my efforts to fully research a movie before I buy it on DVD, I wind up getting suckered by all the rave reviews on Amazon.com. Fatty Drives The Bus is a perfect example. My main reason for buying this DVD is that it was released by Troma Entertainment. I’m a big fan of Troma movies, and I know what to expect from them, but this one falls way short of expectations.
This movie had so much potential; the premise itself is so bizarre that in the hands of Troma how could it go wrong? The plot centers on Satan not meeting his monthly quota on souls, and he learns that one of the reasons is that a “Cheap Ass Tours” bus has cancelled its tour because it turns out that Jesus is also in town that day. So Satan takes matter into his own hands and disguises himself as a tour guide, and along with his driver, Fatty, takes a group of rather odd individuals on a sight-seeing tour of Chicago.
A true Troma fan knows to expect any or all of the following in a Troma movie: Blood, gore, violence, nudity, and over the top acting. Fatty Drives The Bus has none of these qualities. In fact, the only genuinely funny moments in this movie is with the opening line of “Mornin’ Satan, wanna donut?”, and the constant references to the location where the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre took place. Other than that, this movie just ain’t funny, the acting is way too subdued and lackluster, and Fatty, the driver, really doesn’t even have any memorable lines or scenes.
I love a movie that’s “So bad it’s good.” But this movie is just plain bad, and not in a good way.
Rating from 1 to 10: 2.
Ed And His Dead Mother (1993, USA)
Directed by Jonathan Wacks
Here’s another movie that had so much potential only to fall way short of expectations. Steve Buscemi has played some memorable roles. I thought he was great in Fargo. And although Ned Beatty does a wonderful performance in this movie, it just doesn’t help make this movie any better.
Again we start with an excellent premise. Ed is played by Steve Buscemi. Ed’s mother died about a year ago, and Ed misses her dearly. Ed’s Uncle Benny (Played by Ned Beatty), doesn’t miss his deceased sister one bit because he can finally live in his sister’s house along with his nephew, Ed, and gaze through his telescope at the sexy new neighbor across the street without having his overbearing sister butting in.
And then one day along comes A.J. Pattle (Played by John Glover), a salesman for Happy People, Ltd. It seems that for the very low price of only $1,000 Ed’s mother can be brought back to life, and Ed quickly agrees. But of course, bringing dead people back to life can have its unforeseen complications. It turns out that in order for Ed’s mother to be perfectly “normal” she has to eat bugs. But if she eats too many bugs she tends to go into hyper drive and do rather unusual things, such as painting the kitchen overnight and baking a couple hundred pies, or chasing the neighbor’s dog down the street with a carving knife and fork.
Ed is thrilled to have his mother back at home, but of course Uncle Benny isn’t. One of the best scenes in this movie is when Ed comes downstairs for breakfast and Uncle Benny just sort of casually mentions “Ed… your mother’s in the refrigerator.” Ed opens the refrigerator and sure enough, there’s mom peeling potatoes. Things get more and more complicated when the sexy neighbor starts making moves on Ed, but still this movie never really blasts off like it should.
The best way to describe this movie would be if you take Peter Jackson’s Dead/Alive and remove all the blood, gore, and violence so it only gets a PG-13 rating. Ed’s mother doesn’t even look remotely dead. In many ways this movie has a lot of funny moments, but it just never reaches the gut busting stage, and in the end you wind up feeling screwed, and not in a good way.
Rating from 1 to 10: 4.
Saw III (2006, USA)
Directed by Darren Lynn Bousman
I haven’t actually seen either of the first two Saw movies, so I really can’t compare Saw III to the first two movies. However, after watching Saw III I can safely say “Wow!” Now here’s a movie that truly delivers the goods: Nasty scenes of torture, spectacular deaths with plenty of blood and gore, some fine gratuitous nudity, and a wonderful plot twist at the end.
The plot? Well there’s this bad guy named Jigsaw (Played by Tobin Bell), who with the help of his apprentice, Amanda (Played by Shawnee Smith), go around kidnapping people for some reason that I never quite figured out, and lock them into a maze of torture and deadly traps.
As I’ve already stated, I’ve never seen the first two Saw movies so I can’t compare Saw III to either of the first two, but I do know what I like and Saw III impressed me on all levels. There are scenes in this movie that I cannot even begin to describe; you’ll just have to see it for yourself.
If you think a good horror movie is nothing more than just another run of the mill slasher flick, then steer clear of Saw III. But for you true fans of blood and gore this is a must see movie, and I’m definitely going to check out the first two Saw movies.
Rating from 1 to 10: 9.5.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006, USA)
Directed by Jonathan Liebesman
Let’s start with a quick run down of all the TCM movies:
Texas Chainsaw Massacre – 1974. The original. I’ve always thought this movie was relatively tame by today’s standards, but in 1974 it made quite an impression on people.
TCM 2 – 1986. This first sequel wasn’t too bad. A nice blend of horror/comedy.
TCM 3 – 1990. I know I saw it about 10 years ago, but I don’t actually remember anything about it.
TCM: The Next Generation – 1995. Absolutely SUCKS!!!
TCM (Remake of the original) – 2003. Haven’t seen it.
Which brings us to this latest sequel, TCM – The Beginning. Here we see how it all began with the birth of Thomas Hewitt, who would grow up to become the legendary Leatherface. Young Thomas is a bit slow in mind, and a bit deformed looking, but he overcomes these obstacles and grows up and gets a job at the local slaughterhouse. But the slaughterhouse falls victim to economic hard times in 1969 and closes down, but Thomas doesn’t want to leave.
Meanwhile, there are two brothers. The older one is getting ready to go and serve his second tour of duty in Vietnam (Yes folks, there actually were people back then who fell for all that “Honor of serving your country” bullshit); the younger one has just been drafted and isn’t too keen on the idea of going to war. The two brothers take their girlfriends out on a road trip for one last fling, and on the way back have an encounter with some rather unruly bikers which results in a car crash.
Just when things aren’t looking too good for the good guys, the Sheriff shows up. Well it’s not really the Sheriff. The Sheriff is played by R. Lee Ermey, yes folks, that annoying guy on Mail Call. But make no mistake here folks, Ermey knows how to play a bad guy and he does it extremely well in this movie. Anyway, the only reason he’s the Sheriff is because the whole town moved away when the slaughterhouse closed, and when the real Sheriff stopped by to say goodbye, “Uncle Charlie” killed him.
The Sheriff takes the good guys into custody, and the bad guys do bad things to the good guys. This movie is really great. It’s got all the wonderful graphic violence, wonderfully dark humor, and Ermey’s over the top acting really makes this movie work.
Rating from 1 to 10: 8.5.
Edgar Allan Poe’s The Raven (2006, USA)
Directed by Ulli Lommel
I’d like to start off by saying that Edgar Allan Poe is one of my all-time favorite writers. I’ve read his Complete Works – twice. And I enjoyed those Poe-related movies with Vincent Price back in the 60s. But after watching this movie all I could say was “WHAT THE FUCK!!!???” Let me repeat that just for emphasis… “WHAT THE FUCK!!!???”
Did anybody that had anything to do with this movie ever actually read anything by Poe? Nothing in this movie indicated that they had. It’s as if the director, screenwriter, and producer all took acid one day and in the middle of a psychedelic revelation they all said “Edgar Allan Poe’s The Raven… Gee, that’s a great title! Let’s make a movie that DOESN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING THAT POE EVER WROTE!!!”
The plot? Jesus Bloody H. Christ, where do I begin? A little girl named Lenore is adopted and raised by an old airline pilot… Yep, you heard right. She is also raised with the help of a couple on nuns. Lenore grows up, gets raped, and kills the rapist by electrocuting him in the bathtub. Let that be a lesson to all you future rapists out there… DON’T HANG AROUND AND TAKE A BATH AFTER COMMITTING RAPE!!!
Lenore becomes a singer in an all female band. The dead rapist apparently comes back from the dead and goes around killing all of Lenore’s friends with a knife. Intermixed in all this are scenes of Lenore asleep and dreaming while a very bad Poe impersonator stands by babbling and writing illegibly on a piece of paper.
This movie is nothing more than a cheap slasher flick, and not even a good one. In Poe’s writing he never resorted to cheap, mundane methods of death like getting stabbed to death. He always went for the unusual, the bizarre, the spectacular, and this movie has none of that. I paid $3.99 to see this on my On Demand Channel, and I got reamed. If you’re a fan of Edgar Allan Poe stay away from this movie at all cost, it will only insult your intelligence, and not in a good way.
Rating from 1 to 10: 2.
The Dentist (1996, USA)
Directed by Brian Yuzna
Folks, I haven’t been to a dentist since 1968. After watching this movie I’ll let every rotting, festering tooth I have fall out of my head before I let a dentist come anywhere near me. This is one creepy movie.
Corbin Bernsen turns in a brilliant performance as Dr. Feinstone. Dr. Feinstone has everything a dentist could possibly want; a successful practice, a nice house with a nice pool, and a beautiful wife with big tits. But the doctor is a little on edge today. He can’t find his cuff links, the IRS is threatening to audit him, and today is his wedding anniversary. And when the doctor discovers his wife is fooling around with the pool guy, the doctor goes right off the deep end – so to speak.
Although this movie is by no means a splatterfest, there are a couple of nice bloody gruesome scenes, and the psychological tension throughout this movie will have you on the edge of your seat, or whatever it is you’re sitting on at the time, and wondering “What will he do to the next patient?”
If you really hate dentists then you’ll identify with this movie. If you hate the IRS you’ll love what happens when the IRS agent shows up at the office and offers to make the doctors tax problems go away in exchange for some free dental work. This movie never slows down, and it builds and builds right up to the wonderful twist and the end.
Rating from 1 to 10: 8.
Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions
posted by The Paulie Family at 2:28 PM
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