RFU 5-06
RFU 5-06 Copyright 6/06 by McCall/Zimmon
Disclaimer: The following program contains material that is guaranteed to offend somebody somewhere. Reader discretion is advised.
Theme Music: They’re not in tune with nature
They’re not in tune with Zen
We thought they finally went away
But now they’re back again
So now for all you folks out there
Who do not have a clue
Here now is Piston McCauffey
The host of RFU…
Piston: Radio Free Urine is on the air! Hello to all you folks out there in radio land, this is your old friend, Piston McCauffey, coming to you from the big building with the statue of naked people out front.
Well with The Paulie Family once again safely back on land they’ve wasted no time in getting back into the recording studio, which reminds me, let’s take a look at this week’s Top 10 Pillboard Chart:
1. Toilet In The Sky by The Paulie Family
2. Careful With That Ass, Eugene by Stink Floyd
3. Feel Like Makin’ Log by Bad Dumpany
4. I Write Bad Songs by Barry Marshmallow
5. Butt Scratch Fever by Ted Butt Nugget
6. Poop Stompin’ Music by Grand Dump Tailload
7. Puke I Hurl by Gene Chunder
8. I’m Smelling You Now by Freddie and The Reamers
9. Papa’s Got A Brand New Colostomy Bag by James Brown Matter
10. Must Bang Sally by Wilson Stickit
And that’s right folks, after taking a whole year off The Paulie Family is back with another #1 song, and let’s listen to it now…
Music: Toilet In The Sky (Sung to the tune of Spirit In The Sky by Norman Greenbaum)
When I gotta whiz after I'm dead
Gonna whiz in the place overhead
When I lay me down to die
Gonna whiz in the toilet in the sky
Gonna whiz in the toilet in the sky
That's where I'm gonna whiz when I die
When I gotta whiz after I'm dead
I'm gonna whiz in the place overhead.
Remember to wipe, you know that you must
Gotta wipe my butt with Jesus
So you know that when you die
He's gonna lead you up to the toilet in the sky
Lead you up to the toilet in the sky
That's where you're gonna wipe when you die
When you gotta wipe after you're dead
You gotta wipe in the place overhead.
I've always been a crapper; I crap a lot
Gotta take a dump with Jesus
So you know that when I die
He's gonna lead me up to the toilet in the sky
Oh lead me up to the toilet in the sky
That's where I'm gonna crap when I die
When I gotta crap after I'm dead
I'm gonna crap in the place overhead
Crap in the place overhead.
Piston: And there you have it folks, the new number one song by The Paulie Family written by that terrifically talented troubadour of toilet tunes, Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall! And here with us in the studio today to talk about The Paulie Family’s latest exploits is none other than Tracy himself!
(Tracy nods to the microphone, forgetting that he’s on the radio.)
Piston: Tracy, your new song seems to have a religious ring to it; you haven’t been born again have you?
Tracy: No, according to my mother I was born right the first time.
Piston: Then why the sudden interest in Jesus?
Tracy: It’s more of a protest actually because I’ve met a lot of people who are musicians, and probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard a musician say is “I’d like to start a Christian rock band.”
Piston: What’s wrong with that?
Tracy: Well during the last half a century religious zealots everywhere have always declared that rock music is the Devil’s music. So the term “Christian rock band” is probably the biggest oxymoron ever stated out loud. It’s sort of the equivalent of Christians celebrating Christmas by decorating trees.
Piston: But decorating Christmas trees is one of the oldest Christmas traditions.
Tracy: Yes, but whole idea was stolen from the so-called “Pagan” religions.
Piston: What do you mean by “so-called Pagan religions?”
Tracy: Well as anybody with half a brain knows, whenever Christians don’t understand the proper name for something that they simply make up a new name for it.
Piston: Can you give an example?
Tracy: One good example would be the word “warlock.”
Piston: Isn’t a warlock a male witch?
Tracy: No, in the Wicca religion there is no differentiation between a male and female witch. But of course in Christianity the concept of equality between men and women in the church is an unacceptable idea because it diminishes the superior designation of the male in the church, the home and society. Therefore, Christians simply made up the word “warlock” to suggest that a male witch has some sort of superiority in the Wicca religion. In that same vain would be Christians making up the word “Pagan” to describe anybody that isn’t a Christian. A similar example would be if I were to make up a word like “child molester” to describe a male Catholic Priest.
Piston: Well okay then. Another Paulie Family news item is the announcement that The Paulie Family is filing a lawsuit against The Rolling Stones guitarist, Keith Richards. What’s the story behind that?
Tracy: Well isn’t it obvious? Keith Richards falls out of a palm tree, winds up in the hospital, and gets a hole drilled into his head; he’s obviously stealing Paul’s act and as Attorney at Log for the band it’s my sworn duty to come down on Mr. Richards with the full weight of the log!
Piston: You say that Keith Richards is stealing Paul’s act. Has Paul ever actually fallen out of a palm tree?
Tracy: No, but if you leave a ladder anywhere near a palm tree it’s only a matter of time before Paul will be plummeting head first into the burning sand below.
(The phone rings. It’s Paul calling.)
Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!
Paul: Is it really necessary to publicize my total lack of coordination?
Tracy: As your Attorney at Log I’m doing it in your best interest.
Paul: How in the hell is telling people how clumsy I am in my best interest?
Tracy: Well look at it this way, you know how you’re always complaining about how fabulously wealthy I’ve become from my imaginary songwriting royalties while you don’t receive squat?
Paul: Yeah.
Tracy: Well Keith Richards has one thing as a guitar player that you don’t have.
Paul: And what’s that?
Tracy: Real, genuine, non-imaginary, honest to God CASH MONEY!!!
(There’s a pause on the other end of the line as Paul ponders the concept of real money. His eyes light up with dollar signs and make that nice ringing cash register sound.)
Paul: Okay, carry on.
(Paul hangs up.)
Piston: Well you certainly got Paul’s cooperation on this.
Tracy: Not even Paul will back down from a shot at real money.
(The phone rings. This time it’s Keith Richards.)
Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!
Keith: What’s all this bollocks about me being sued?
Tracy: Well Mr. Richards, it seems to me that if George Harrison can be successfully sued for stealing the music from He’s So Fine, then you should be a slam dunk on this.
Keith: But I didn’t steal anybody’s music.
Tracy: No, but you did fall out of a tree and get a hole drilled in your head, and that’s obviously stealing Paul’s act in much the same way that Jimi Exlax stole Excrete Townsend’s act when he flushed his guitar down the toilet at the Monterey Poop Festival in 1967.
Keith: Who in the hell is Paul?
Tracy: Somebody you’re going to wish to Log you never heard of if you don’t agree to settle out of court.
Keith: Oh alright, how much do you want to forget the whole thing?
Tracy: I’d say about $47 million dollars ought to take care of it.
Keith: How much is that in English Pounds?
Tracy: Hmmmmm… I don’t know. I’ll tell ya’ what, why don’t we just make it an even $47 million Pounds?
Keith: You’re out of your bleedin’ mind; go bugger yourself you wankin’ yank!
(Keith hangs up, but Tracy doesn’t give up that easily.)
Tracy: Does this phone have Star 69?
Piston: Of course!
(Tracy dials Star 69 which calls back Keith Richards.)
Keith: Hello?
Tracy: Hi Mr. Richards! Hey you hung up before I could give you the address to send the check to.
Keith: What check?
Tracy: The check for $47 million pounds.
Keith: PISS OFF!!!
(Keith hangs up again.)
Piston: He doesn’t sound very cooperative.
Tracy: Okay, I tried to handle this in a mature and professional manner, but now I’m gonna have to get mean!
(Tracy dials Star 69 again.)
Keith: Hello?
Tracy: Hello, do you have Prince Albert in a can?
Keith: He died in 1861 you stupid git!
(Tracy is only momentarily caught off guard.)
Tracy: Well in that case do you have him in an urn?
Keith: Look, if you don’t stop calling me I’m going to come over there and kick your ass!
Tracy: Oh yeah? Well let me give you the address. Have you got a pencil and paper?
Keith: Yeah.
Tracy: Okay, the address is #2 Hershey Highway, Northeast Portland, Oregon 97220. It’s a treehouse, you can’t miss it. I’ll leave the door unlocked if you think you can CLIMB UP TO IT WITHOUT FALLING OUT OF THE TREE, YOU BASTARD!!!
(Tracy hangs up.)
Piston: Well you certainly told him.
Tracy: Yeah, he doesn’t know who he’s messing with!
(The phone rings. It’s Paul again.)
Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!
Paul: When do I get my $47 million dollars?
Tracy: Uuuuuuh… We’re still negotiating on that.
Paul: Well hurry up, my shopping list isn’t getting any shorter you know!
Tracy: What are you complaining for? You still have all of Anna Nicole Smith’s jewelry from when we sued her for falling and landing on you that time when we were on Hollywood Squares!
Paul: Yeah, but it was all Cubic Zirconium! It’s as worthless as all that makeup she wears!
Tracy: Okay, but at least we succeeded in getting the judge to order her to wear a “Wide Load” sign on her ass.
Paul: Yeah, but I’m still broke! Now what are you going to do about it?
Tracy: Look, if you need cash that bad I’ve got plenty of beer cans you can take to the store.
Paul: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YOU DON’T!!! I’M NOT SMUGGLING ANYMORE COCKROACHES OUT OF YOUR APARTMENT!!!
Tracy: It’s not illegal to smuggle cockroaches.
Paul: NO, BUT IT’S ANNOYING AS HELL!!!
Tracy: And besides, you weren’t smuggling cockroaches; I was deporting them!
Paul: Yeah, well I ain’t the freakin’ I.N.S.!!! NOW GET BUSY AND GET ME MY $47 MILLION DOLLARS!!!
(Paul hangs up.)
Tracy: Jeez, what a grouch!
(The phone rings again. This time it’s Rush Limbaugh calling.)
Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!
Rush: It’s liberal wacko types like you with your frivolous lawsuits that are tying up the courts and wasting the taxpayer’s money!
Tracy: Who the hell is this?
Rush: This is Rush Limbaugh!
(Tracy thinks back to the time when The Paulie Family crashed the Rush Limbaugh Show while Rush was on the air.)
Tracy: Did you say Flush Rimjob?
Rush: No, I said RUSH LIMBAUGH!!!
Tracy: Whatever… What can I do for you Flush?
Rush: THAT’S RUSH!!!
Tracy: Okay, what do you want?
Rush: I just wanted to point out that if the so-called Paulie Family would spend more time doing a little good old fashioned hard work they might actually get themselves a REAL RADIO SHOW!!!
Tracy: What makes you say that?
Rush: Where I come from you have to pay your dues and EARN RESPECT!!!
Tracy: Really? Where do you come from?
Rush: I’m from Missouri, the Show Me State!
Tracy: Oh yeah? Well I’m from Oregon, THE BLOW ME STATE!!!
(Tracy hangs up.)
Piston: Well Tracy, you certainly told him!
(The phone rings again. It’s Paul again.)
Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!
Paul: Al Franken is right, Flush Rimjob IS a big fat idiot!
(Paul hangs up.)
Piston: Wow Tracy, this is the most phone calls we’ve ever had in one show!
Tracy: Let that be a lesson to Mr. Rimjob. Well my work is done here.
(Tracy gets up and leaves.)
Piston: Well folks, it looks like that’s all the time we have for today’s show, so be sure to join us here again next time for Radio Free Urine!
THE END
Credits: Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter
Attorney at Log
Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon
Band Leader, Lead and Rhythm Guitars,
Script Ideas.
Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher
Road Manager, Script Ideas.
JD (Don’t Know What The D Stands For) Sears
Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, Conga Player,
Script Ideas.
Disclaimer: The following program contains material that is guaranteed to offend somebody somewhere. Reader discretion is advised.
Theme Music: They’re not in tune with nature
They’re not in tune with Zen
We thought they finally went away
But now they’re back again
So now for all you folks out there
Who do not have a clue
Here now is Piston McCauffey
The host of RFU…
Piston: Radio Free Urine is on the air! Hello to all you folks out there in radio land, this is your old friend, Piston McCauffey, coming to you from the big building with the statue of naked people out front.
Well with The Paulie Family once again safely back on land they’ve wasted no time in getting back into the recording studio, which reminds me, let’s take a look at this week’s Top 10 Pillboard Chart:
1. Toilet In The Sky by The Paulie Family
2. Careful With That Ass, Eugene by Stink Floyd
3. Feel Like Makin’ Log by Bad Dumpany
4. I Write Bad Songs by Barry Marshmallow
5. Butt Scratch Fever by Ted Butt Nugget
6. Poop Stompin’ Music by Grand Dump Tailload
7. Puke I Hurl by Gene Chunder
8. I’m Smelling You Now by Freddie and The Reamers
9. Papa’s Got A Brand New Colostomy Bag by James Brown Matter
10. Must Bang Sally by Wilson Stickit
And that’s right folks, after taking a whole year off The Paulie Family is back with another #1 song, and let’s listen to it now…
Music: Toilet In The Sky (Sung to the tune of Spirit In The Sky by Norman Greenbaum)
When I gotta whiz after I'm dead
Gonna whiz in the place overhead
When I lay me down to die
Gonna whiz in the toilet in the sky
Gonna whiz in the toilet in the sky
That's where I'm gonna whiz when I die
When I gotta whiz after I'm dead
I'm gonna whiz in the place overhead.
Remember to wipe, you know that you must
Gotta wipe my butt with Jesus
So you know that when you die
He's gonna lead you up to the toilet in the sky
Lead you up to the toilet in the sky
That's where you're gonna wipe when you die
When you gotta wipe after you're dead
You gotta wipe in the place overhead.
I've always been a crapper; I crap a lot
Gotta take a dump with Jesus
So you know that when I die
He's gonna lead me up to the toilet in the sky
Oh lead me up to the toilet in the sky
That's where I'm gonna crap when I die
When I gotta crap after I'm dead
I'm gonna crap in the place overhead
Crap in the place overhead.
Piston: And there you have it folks, the new number one song by The Paulie Family written by that terrifically talented troubadour of toilet tunes, Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall! And here with us in the studio today to talk about The Paulie Family’s latest exploits is none other than Tracy himself!
(Tracy nods to the microphone, forgetting that he’s on the radio.)
Piston: Tracy, your new song seems to have a religious ring to it; you haven’t been born again have you?
Tracy: No, according to my mother I was born right the first time.
Piston: Then why the sudden interest in Jesus?
Tracy: It’s more of a protest actually because I’ve met a lot of people who are musicians, and probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard a musician say is “I’d like to start a Christian rock band.”
Piston: What’s wrong with that?
Tracy: Well during the last half a century religious zealots everywhere have always declared that rock music is the Devil’s music. So the term “Christian rock band” is probably the biggest oxymoron ever stated out loud. It’s sort of the equivalent of Christians celebrating Christmas by decorating trees.
Piston: But decorating Christmas trees is one of the oldest Christmas traditions.
Tracy: Yes, but whole idea was stolen from the so-called “Pagan” religions.
Piston: What do you mean by “so-called Pagan religions?”
Tracy: Well as anybody with half a brain knows, whenever Christians don’t understand the proper name for something that they simply make up a new name for it.
Piston: Can you give an example?
Tracy: One good example would be the word “warlock.”
Piston: Isn’t a warlock a male witch?
Tracy: No, in the Wicca religion there is no differentiation between a male and female witch. But of course in Christianity the concept of equality between men and women in the church is an unacceptable idea because it diminishes the superior designation of the male in the church, the home and society. Therefore, Christians simply made up the word “warlock” to suggest that a male witch has some sort of superiority in the Wicca religion. In that same vain would be Christians making up the word “Pagan” to describe anybody that isn’t a Christian. A similar example would be if I were to make up a word like “child molester” to describe a male Catholic Priest.
Piston: Well okay then. Another Paulie Family news item is the announcement that The Paulie Family is filing a lawsuit against The Rolling Stones guitarist, Keith Richards. What’s the story behind that?
Tracy: Well isn’t it obvious? Keith Richards falls out of a palm tree, winds up in the hospital, and gets a hole drilled into his head; he’s obviously stealing Paul’s act and as Attorney at Log for the band it’s my sworn duty to come down on Mr. Richards with the full weight of the log!
Piston: You say that Keith Richards is stealing Paul’s act. Has Paul ever actually fallen out of a palm tree?
Tracy: No, but if you leave a ladder anywhere near a palm tree it’s only a matter of time before Paul will be plummeting head first into the burning sand below.
(The phone rings. It’s Paul calling.)
Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!
Paul: Is it really necessary to publicize my total lack of coordination?
Tracy: As your Attorney at Log I’m doing it in your best interest.
Paul: How in the hell is telling people how clumsy I am in my best interest?
Tracy: Well look at it this way, you know how you’re always complaining about how fabulously wealthy I’ve become from my imaginary songwriting royalties while you don’t receive squat?
Paul: Yeah.
Tracy: Well Keith Richards has one thing as a guitar player that you don’t have.
Paul: And what’s that?
Tracy: Real, genuine, non-imaginary, honest to God CASH MONEY!!!
(There’s a pause on the other end of the line as Paul ponders the concept of real money. His eyes light up with dollar signs and make that nice ringing cash register sound.)
Paul: Okay, carry on.
(Paul hangs up.)
Piston: Well you certainly got Paul’s cooperation on this.
Tracy: Not even Paul will back down from a shot at real money.
(The phone rings. This time it’s Keith Richards.)
Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!
Keith: What’s all this bollocks about me being sued?
Tracy: Well Mr. Richards, it seems to me that if George Harrison can be successfully sued for stealing the music from He’s So Fine, then you should be a slam dunk on this.
Keith: But I didn’t steal anybody’s music.
Tracy: No, but you did fall out of a tree and get a hole drilled in your head, and that’s obviously stealing Paul’s act in much the same way that Jimi Exlax stole Excrete Townsend’s act when he flushed his guitar down the toilet at the Monterey Poop Festival in 1967.
Keith: Who in the hell is Paul?
Tracy: Somebody you’re going to wish to Log you never heard of if you don’t agree to settle out of court.
Keith: Oh alright, how much do you want to forget the whole thing?
Tracy: I’d say about $47 million dollars ought to take care of it.
Keith: How much is that in English Pounds?
Tracy: Hmmmmm… I don’t know. I’ll tell ya’ what, why don’t we just make it an even $47 million Pounds?
Keith: You’re out of your bleedin’ mind; go bugger yourself you wankin’ yank!
(Keith hangs up, but Tracy doesn’t give up that easily.)
Tracy: Does this phone have Star 69?
Piston: Of course!
(Tracy dials Star 69 which calls back Keith Richards.)
Keith: Hello?
Tracy: Hi Mr. Richards! Hey you hung up before I could give you the address to send the check to.
Keith: What check?
Tracy: The check for $47 million pounds.
Keith: PISS OFF!!!
(Keith hangs up again.)
Piston: He doesn’t sound very cooperative.
Tracy: Okay, I tried to handle this in a mature and professional manner, but now I’m gonna have to get mean!
(Tracy dials Star 69 again.)
Keith: Hello?
Tracy: Hello, do you have Prince Albert in a can?
Keith: He died in 1861 you stupid git!
(Tracy is only momentarily caught off guard.)
Tracy: Well in that case do you have him in an urn?
Keith: Look, if you don’t stop calling me I’m going to come over there and kick your ass!
Tracy: Oh yeah? Well let me give you the address. Have you got a pencil and paper?
Keith: Yeah.
Tracy: Okay, the address is #2 Hershey Highway, Northeast Portland, Oregon 97220. It’s a treehouse, you can’t miss it. I’ll leave the door unlocked if you think you can CLIMB UP TO IT WITHOUT FALLING OUT OF THE TREE, YOU BASTARD!!!
(Tracy hangs up.)
Piston: Well you certainly told him.
Tracy: Yeah, he doesn’t know who he’s messing with!
(The phone rings. It’s Paul again.)
Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!
Paul: When do I get my $47 million dollars?
Tracy: Uuuuuuh… We’re still negotiating on that.
Paul: Well hurry up, my shopping list isn’t getting any shorter you know!
Tracy: What are you complaining for? You still have all of Anna Nicole Smith’s jewelry from when we sued her for falling and landing on you that time when we were on Hollywood Squares!
Paul: Yeah, but it was all Cubic Zirconium! It’s as worthless as all that makeup she wears!
Tracy: Okay, but at least we succeeded in getting the judge to order her to wear a “Wide Load” sign on her ass.
Paul: Yeah, but I’m still broke! Now what are you going to do about it?
Tracy: Look, if you need cash that bad I’ve got plenty of beer cans you can take to the store.
Paul: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YOU DON’T!!! I’M NOT SMUGGLING ANYMORE COCKROACHES OUT OF YOUR APARTMENT!!!
Tracy: It’s not illegal to smuggle cockroaches.
Paul: NO, BUT IT’S ANNOYING AS HELL!!!
Tracy: And besides, you weren’t smuggling cockroaches; I was deporting them!
Paul: Yeah, well I ain’t the freakin’ I.N.S.!!! NOW GET BUSY AND GET ME MY $47 MILLION DOLLARS!!!
(Paul hangs up.)
Tracy: Jeez, what a grouch!
(The phone rings again. This time it’s Rush Limbaugh calling.)
Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!
Rush: It’s liberal wacko types like you with your frivolous lawsuits that are tying up the courts and wasting the taxpayer’s money!
Tracy: Who the hell is this?
Rush: This is Rush Limbaugh!
(Tracy thinks back to the time when The Paulie Family crashed the Rush Limbaugh Show while Rush was on the air.)
Tracy: Did you say Flush Rimjob?
Rush: No, I said RUSH LIMBAUGH!!!
Tracy: Whatever… What can I do for you Flush?
Rush: THAT’S RUSH!!!
Tracy: Okay, what do you want?
Rush: I just wanted to point out that if the so-called Paulie Family would spend more time doing a little good old fashioned hard work they might actually get themselves a REAL RADIO SHOW!!!
Tracy: What makes you say that?
Rush: Where I come from you have to pay your dues and EARN RESPECT!!!
Tracy: Really? Where do you come from?
Rush: I’m from Missouri, the Show Me State!
Tracy: Oh yeah? Well I’m from Oregon, THE BLOW ME STATE!!!
(Tracy hangs up.)
Piston: Well Tracy, you certainly told him!
(The phone rings again. It’s Paul again.)
Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!
Paul: Al Franken is right, Flush Rimjob IS a big fat idiot!
(Paul hangs up.)
Piston: Wow Tracy, this is the most phone calls we’ve ever had in one show!
Tracy: Let that be a lesson to Mr. Rimjob. Well my work is done here.
(Tracy gets up and leaves.)
Piston: Well folks, it looks like that’s all the time we have for today’s show, so be sure to join us here again next time for Radio Free Urine!
THE END
Credits: Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter
Attorney at Log
Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon
Band Leader, Lead and Rhythm Guitars,
Script Ideas.
Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher
Road Manager, Script Ideas.
JD (Don’t Know What The D Stands For) Sears
Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, Conga Player,
Script Ideas.
posted by The Paulie Family at 3:06 PM
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Dear Anonymous,
You are incorrect in your assumption that anyone here is interested in your spam links.
Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions
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