The Names Have Been Changed To Protect The Innocent Copyright 6/10 by TM & Co.
In a little over three months from now I will reach the age of 50. During these first 50 years of my life there have been two questions that I’ve been asked the most. The first question is “Why are you so weird?” The second question is “Why don’t you get yourself a girlfriend?”
And so today I’ve decided to explain why I’m so weird by telling you the story about my most recent attempt to get a girlfriend. This is called The Names Have Been Changed To Protect The Innocent.
Her name was Angie, and she hated the Rolling Stones for a song with the same name. We both worked at the big building with the statue of naked people out front. We worked in the same department and our cubicles were only 15 feet apart. We even shared the same job title, and so it goes without saying that any attempt at any sort of romantic relationship was a bad idea - but… that never stops me!
I first became attracted to her when she announced that she was about to become a grandmother. I remember thinking to myself “Holy crap on a cracker, Batman! She’s way too good looking to be a grandmother!”
I knew I was right because all of my grandmothers were old and ugly, and they were all… well… dead, and yet here was Angie; drop dead gorgeous and six years younger than me to boot. This made me realize just how long I’d been out of the dating scene, and it made me realize it was time to get back into the dating scene. And then one day she walked into my cubicle and saw my sticky note about the upcoming Moody Blues concert, and she announced “Oh my God The Moody Blues! I want to see them so bad but the tickets are so friggin’ expensive!”
Angie had a way with words.
It had been almost two months since my friend, Paul, had died; and I still had his ticket for the Moody Blues. I had promised myself to keep Paul’s seat empty in his honor, but as the date of the concert grew nearer I began to dread sitting next to that empty seat. I sold Paul’s ticket to Angie for half price. I knew Paul would understand.
On the night of the concert Angie showed up wearing a smokin’ hot skirt that really showed off her long legs, which stretched all the way from her butt clear down to her feet… Hmmm… Now there’s something I’ve never said before.
The Moody Blues were great, and we eventually wound up going out on paydays after work and having drinks and shooting pool. We went and saw Gallagher, and a Blazers game. We started working out together after work 2-3 times a week in the downstairs gym. We saw Cheech & Chong, and George Thorogood.
I gave her a Valentine’s Day card and wrote some really nice words in it that made her go “Awwww!” And she kissed me on the cheek and told me I was sweet. We even visited each other’s homes and got stoned together.
And then in June… Dweezil Zappa was going to be in town. The show was four days after Angie’s birthday, and she had been sick all week with a cold. I wanted to celebrate her birthday with her, but she had a girl’s night out instead. I called her that night and sang Happy Birthday to her in the style of Elvis singing Loving You, complete with the Wooo wooo wooo wooo wooo waaaaaaaaaaaahhhh at the end. I did this because on my birthday last year she called me and sang Happy Birthday to me in the style of what can best be described as a cross between Yoko Ono and Bjork.
On the advice of one of my old high school friends I decided to give Angie a Zappa ticket for her birthday. I stuck the ticket inside of a birthday card and added some more really nice words, and even though she was still sick I took the card to her at home on the day after her birthday, and when she opened the card and saw the ticket and read the words I got the impression that she was as pleasantly pleased as a plump pot-bellied pig prostrate in plush pile of putrid poo.
It had been nearly 11 months since the Moody Blues show, and I had developed very deep feelings for Angie, but there were still three things keeping me from telling her how I felt:
1. She was a very busy lady. She worked full-time and attended college classes because she was working on getting her degree, and she frequently babysat her grandchildren which by then she now had two of, and she also did a lot of volunteer work, and that’s only the stuff that I actually knew about. She had told me before that she had no time for a social life.
2. Because we worked so closely together I didn’t want to destroy our ability to work together because let’s face it… After work I wanted her, but at work I needed her.
3. I had to take into consideration that she might not have felt the same way I did.
After months of confiding in my mother and a couple of old high school friends, who all kept telling me to TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL, YOU IDIOT!!!; I finally made the decision to tell Angie how I felt. I decided I would tell her right after the Dweezil Zappa show as I was walking her to her bus stop. My mind was made up and nothing was going to stop me.
On the night of the Dweezil Zappa show I stopped at Angie’s place so we could get stoned before the show. This turned out to be a really bad idea because pot makes both of us babble… A LOT!!! After only two pipe hits, Angie decided to tell me her boyfriend was going to prison for a year for a hit and run conviction.
This made my brain go “WHAAAAAAAAAATTTT!!!” It’s important to note here that I actually do pay attention when an attractive woman is talking to me, so that’s how I knew perfectly well that this was the first time she’d mentioned anything to me about having a boyfriend. And now here she was telling me how she really, really liked the guy. And as every guy knows, when a woman tells you how much she really, really likes another guy; it means that she DOESN’T REALLY, REALLY LIKE YOU!!!
This is where my being so weird came in handy. You see, I actually prepared myself for the worst. In fact, given my record for disastrous relationships in the past, it’s really quite comforting for me to expect the worst because I’m usually right. However, I had been shot down without even getting the chance to reveal my feelings; and in doing so, Angie had managed to hit the off switch on my feelings. In other words, my feelings were now incapable of being hurt because I no longer had those feelings. And as we walked to the bus stop to catch the bus to the concert she called her boyfriend to let HIM know she was leaving for the concert, and how much she’s going to miss HIM while HE’S in prison.
The Zappa show was spectacular and we both had a great time. And afterwards when I walked her to her bus stop I kept thinking about those wonderful words I had rehearsed for two months to tell her how I felt about her, and there I stood now with no feelings left inside of me. I kept thinking about her boyfriend going to prison, and I was having a really hard time keeping from laughing about it. Yes, I was the idiot that sang Happy Birthday and spent $90.00 on a concert ticket for a woman that didn’t feel obligated to inform me that she already had a boyfriend. Yeah, I know, I’m not tall, dark, and handsome; I’m not rich and I don’t even own a car… but at least I’m NOT GOING TO PRISON!!!
When I returned to work I found that I had received an e-mail from a woman I’ve been corresponding with on one of the seven online dating web sites that I’m registered with. You see, when you’re as weird as I am you need to keep all of your options open. The woman was a teacher, but you couldn’t tell by her typing. Apparently, she was actually a preschool teacher, and knowledge of proper grammar, spelling, and punctuation are not required to teach preschool. Fortunately, she was a teacher for the Portland School District, and so naturally they closed her school and put her out of work.
Anyway, she told me she got a new puppy, and she named it Angie.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I’m so weird; and that’s why I don’t have a girlfriend.
THE END
In a little over three months from now I will reach the age of 50. During these first 50 years of my life there have been two questions that I’ve been asked the most. The first question is “Why are you so weird?” The second question is “Why don’t you get yourself a girlfriend?”
And so today I’ve decided to explain why I’m so weird by telling you the story about my most recent attempt to get a girlfriend. This is called The Names Have Been Changed To Protect The Innocent.
Her name was Angie, and she hated the Rolling Stones for a song with the same name. We both worked at the big building with the statue of naked people out front. We worked in the same department and our cubicles were only 15 feet apart. We even shared the same job title, and so it goes without saying that any attempt at any sort of romantic relationship was a bad idea - but… that never stops me!
I first became attracted to her when she announced that she was about to become a grandmother. I remember thinking to myself “Holy crap on a cracker, Batman! She’s way too good looking to be a grandmother!”
I knew I was right because all of my grandmothers were old and ugly, and they were all… well… dead, and yet here was Angie; drop dead gorgeous and six years younger than me to boot. This made me realize just how long I’d been out of the dating scene, and it made me realize it was time to get back into the dating scene. And then one day she walked into my cubicle and saw my sticky note about the upcoming Moody Blues concert, and she announced “Oh my God The Moody Blues! I want to see them so bad but the tickets are so friggin’ expensive!”
Angie had a way with words.
It had been almost two months since my friend, Paul, had died; and I still had his ticket for the Moody Blues. I had promised myself to keep Paul’s seat empty in his honor, but as the date of the concert grew nearer I began to dread sitting next to that empty seat. I sold Paul’s ticket to Angie for half price. I knew Paul would understand.
On the night of the concert Angie showed up wearing a smokin’ hot skirt that really showed off her long legs, which stretched all the way from her butt clear down to her feet… Hmmm… Now there’s something I’ve never said before.
The Moody Blues were great, and we eventually wound up going out on paydays after work and having drinks and shooting pool. We went and saw Gallagher, and a Blazers game. We started working out together after work 2-3 times a week in the downstairs gym. We saw Cheech & Chong, and George Thorogood.
I gave her a Valentine’s Day card and wrote some really nice words in it that made her go “Awwww!” And she kissed me on the cheek and told me I was sweet. We even visited each other’s homes and got stoned together.
And then in June… Dweezil Zappa was going to be in town. The show was four days after Angie’s birthday, and she had been sick all week with a cold. I wanted to celebrate her birthday with her, but she had a girl’s night out instead. I called her that night and sang Happy Birthday to her in the style of Elvis singing Loving You, complete with the Wooo wooo wooo wooo wooo waaaaaaaaaaaahhhh at the end. I did this because on my birthday last year she called me and sang Happy Birthday to me in the style of what can best be described as a cross between Yoko Ono and Bjork.
On the advice of one of my old high school friends I decided to give Angie a Zappa ticket for her birthday. I stuck the ticket inside of a birthday card and added some more really nice words, and even though she was still sick I took the card to her at home on the day after her birthday, and when she opened the card and saw the ticket and read the words I got the impression that she was as pleasantly pleased as a plump pot-bellied pig prostrate in plush pile of putrid poo.
It had been nearly 11 months since the Moody Blues show, and I had developed very deep feelings for Angie, but there were still three things keeping me from telling her how I felt:
1. She was a very busy lady. She worked full-time and attended college classes because she was working on getting her degree, and she frequently babysat her grandchildren which by then she now had two of, and she also did a lot of volunteer work, and that’s only the stuff that I actually knew about. She had told me before that she had no time for a social life.
2. Because we worked so closely together I didn’t want to destroy our ability to work together because let’s face it… After work I wanted her, but at work I needed her.
3. I had to take into consideration that she might not have felt the same way I did.
After months of confiding in my mother and a couple of old high school friends, who all kept telling me to TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL, YOU IDIOT!!!; I finally made the decision to tell Angie how I felt. I decided I would tell her right after the Dweezil Zappa show as I was walking her to her bus stop. My mind was made up and nothing was going to stop me.
On the night of the Dweezil Zappa show I stopped at Angie’s place so we could get stoned before the show. This turned out to be a really bad idea because pot makes both of us babble… A LOT!!! After only two pipe hits, Angie decided to tell me her boyfriend was going to prison for a year for a hit and run conviction.
This made my brain go “WHAAAAAAAAAATTTT!!!” It’s important to note here that I actually do pay attention when an attractive woman is talking to me, so that’s how I knew perfectly well that this was the first time she’d mentioned anything to me about having a boyfriend. And now here she was telling me how she really, really liked the guy. And as every guy knows, when a woman tells you how much she really, really likes another guy; it means that she DOESN’T REALLY, REALLY LIKE YOU!!!
This is where my being so weird came in handy. You see, I actually prepared myself for the worst. In fact, given my record for disastrous relationships in the past, it’s really quite comforting for me to expect the worst because I’m usually right. However, I had been shot down without even getting the chance to reveal my feelings; and in doing so, Angie had managed to hit the off switch on my feelings. In other words, my feelings were now incapable of being hurt because I no longer had those feelings. And as we walked to the bus stop to catch the bus to the concert she called her boyfriend to let HIM know she was leaving for the concert, and how much she’s going to miss HIM while HE’S in prison.
The Zappa show was spectacular and we both had a great time. And afterwards when I walked her to her bus stop I kept thinking about those wonderful words I had rehearsed for two months to tell her how I felt about her, and there I stood now with no feelings left inside of me. I kept thinking about her boyfriend going to prison, and I was having a really hard time keeping from laughing about it. Yes, I was the idiot that sang Happy Birthday and spent $90.00 on a concert ticket for a woman that didn’t feel obligated to inform me that she already had a boyfriend. Yeah, I know, I’m not tall, dark, and handsome; I’m not rich and I don’t even own a car… but at least I’m NOT GOING TO PRISON!!!
When I returned to work I found that I had received an e-mail from a woman I’ve been corresponding with on one of the seven online dating web sites that I’m registered with. You see, when you’re as weird as I am you need to keep all of your options open. The woman was a teacher, but you couldn’t tell by her typing. Apparently, she was actually a preschool teacher, and knowledge of proper grammar, spelling, and punctuation are not required to teach preschool. Fortunately, she was a teacher for the Portland School District, and so naturally they closed her school and put her out of work.
Anyway, she told me she got a new puppy, and she named it Angie.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I’m so weird; and that’s why I don’t have a girlfriend.
THE END
Dear Tracy,
ReplyDeleteThe best thing about this outstanding story is that, in the end, you don't get the girl (notice I didn't say, "you don't get the girl in the end," so no one will think stupid thoughts about anal sex). Most stories have this boring ending.
We thousand or so readers are now waiting to find out if you teach the illiterate teacher a few rules of grammar and maybe make some flash cards to help her with her spelling.
Please continue. Tell me if you need some input, because I know a lot about grammar and I have spell-check built into Firefox.
- Tim
- Tim
Don't forget now: T i m
ReplyDelete-Tim
You forgot, then?
ReplyDelete-Timothy Tim