The Paulie Family

Letters to Paul

2011-12-16T12:35:00.000-08:00

12/16/11

Dear Paul, I hope everything is going well for you. Your birthday is in four days, and you would’ve been 57.

I can’t begin to tell you everything that’s happened since I last wrote you. I last wrote you in May, and during the first week of June I wound up in the hospital for five days on suicide watch. I didn’t make the attempt, but I was about a week away from doing it. I had my method, location, note, and list of who to notify all planned out. Fortunately I talked with my psychologist and he convinced me to voluntarily admit myself to the hospital. They made an adjustment to my meds in the hospital to stabilize me. Two weeks after I got out of the hospital I saw a guy commit suicide by throwing himself under a MAX train. That really freaked me out because I know exactly how the guy felt when he did it.

I’ve continued having my ups and downs and the constant changing of the meds and dosages have caused me all kinds of problems. I’ve continued the battle, and I’ve come close to going back to the hospital, but things are slowly getting better.

I met a really nice lady named Jessica. She completely understands my condition and she’s cool with it as long as I stay on my meds and keep my doctor appointments. She even has a medical marijuana card. We’ve really hit it off and she has lifted my spirits higher than I could ever imagine. I hope we can maintain our relationship, and I fully believe that she does too. We’ve been spending time together every chance we get, so I’m starting to think she might be a keeper. I guess only time will tell. And yes, I’ve even gotten laid a few times.

I’ve been revamping old episodes of RFU and sending them a couple of old high school buddies. They both remember well my writing style, and they love the RFU. They can also see the influence and inspiration you gave me during the old days. I even sent them the Take My Abuse, Please show which features our legendary Dead Heroin Addict routine. Ah, those were the days.

I still have a life to live, so I’m going to get back to living it. Take care and know that you are still missed, and always will be as long as I have a say in it.

Tracy

Letters To Paul

2011-05-27T12:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Paul,

Today is May 27th, and you’ve been dead for two years now. I’ve made a lot of progress since I last wrote, but things are still very difficult for me, not because of you being gone, but because of other internal conflicts going on inside of me.

You won’t believe this but I’ve actually quit drinking. Today is my 50th consecutive day without alcohol. Perhaps if I’d done this sooner we could’ve both quit drinking at the same time and then you might still be alive.

I bought a car back in January, and I’ve driven to the beach three times already. And yes, I’m taking good care of this car. I still haven’t gotten in touch with Marilyn since she dropped off the Dick Dale portrait. I should give her a call and maybe drive up to see her. I think she’s living with Chris now.

I’ve signed up for the summer 9-ball season in my pool league. I’ve been practicing 9-ball for four months now, and I feel ready to compete at it. I won a medal for being the most improved player in the league for last year’s 8-ball season.

I’ve been trying very hard to get my life back together to where I can have healthy positive relationships with women again, but I’m just not having any luck and it’s tearing me apart inside. My doctor keeps upping my dosage on the antidepressants, and I keep talking to the psychologist, but the loneliness and total lack of intimacy in my life is making life unbearable for me. I keep trying to believe everything will get better, but it doesn’t and I have a hard time believing that it ever will. I had another blind lunch date yesterday, but she canceled on me. I can’t even get a fucking blind date to show up. I might as well just hang myself; it would be a lot less painful.

I hope things are going better for you, and I promise to keep trying to overcome this sense of being loathsome and undesirable, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up.

Take care,

Tracy

Letters To Paul

2011-03-14T15:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Paul,

Owsley Stanley died. I don't know what else to add to that.

Tracy

Letters to Paul

2010-12-20T09:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Paul,

Happy Birthday. I can’t begin to tell you how sad I feel this week. Despite my having moved on with my life there’s something about December and your birthday that still brings tears to my eyes.

That thing with Abbi didn’t work out the way I was hoping, but we still work together and we’re still very good friends. She has actually done a very good job filling in for you as a best friend.

Leslie Nielsen died. Bob Feller died. Blake Edwards died. Captain Beefheart died.

It’s now been over 14 months since the last time I smoked a cigarette. I know you would’ve been impressed.

I haven’t spoken to Marilyn for awhile. I should call her and see how she’s doing.

Somebody hacked into your e-mail accounts and started sending everyone spam e-mails. Fortunately, you never were very good at thinking up original passwords, so I was able to counter-hack your e-mail accounts and change the passwords.

Byron paid me a visit, but I was forced to kick him to the curb for doing very bad things. I remember I used to defend him whenever you were having a tantrum about him, but I’ve seen now for myself what you were talking about. I hope he gets his act together some day. On a positive note, Uncle Sid will be staying with me for a very long time.

I rediscovered my passion for the game of pool and I’ve joined a league. My current record is 12 wins and 63 losses. I know you’d probably get a huge laugh out of that. I’ve also started taking Tai Chi classes to help me with my balance and concentration, which in turn should make my pool game better. It should also help me to continue to stay in shape. I’ve lost 26 lbs. now. If you were still alive we’d be arguing about which one of us was still the fattest.

We finally reached 1,000 hits on our blog, which is pretty funny because the first 800 or so was me and you checking to see if anyone was actually checking the blog out.

I’m sorry I haven’t been able to continue with writing Paulie Family adventures, but my job is keeping me busy and I don’t have a computer at home. Marilyn said she might give me her computer; I’ll have to ask her about that when I give her a call. She did give me the picture she painted for you of Dick Dale. I have it in my living room sitting on top of your guitar amp.

I’m sorry I don’t have anything more interesting to say, but let’s face it; the world just isn’t as interesting without you in it. I finally went to the doctor and I’m officially on antidepressants now. I’m hoping next year will be a better one.

Take care.

Tracy

Tracy's New Story

2010-07-13T14:19:00.000-07:00

The Names Have Been Changed To Protect The Innocent Copyright 6/10 by TM & Co.

In a little over three months from now I will reach the age of 50. During these first 50 years of my life there have been two questions that I’ve been asked the most. The first question is “Why are you so weird?” The second question is “Why don’t you get yourself a girlfriend?”

And so today I’ve decided to explain why I’m so weird by telling you the story about my most recent attempt to get a girlfriend. This is called The Names Have Been Changed To Protect The Innocent.

Her name was Angie, and she hated the Rolling Stones for a song with the same name. We both worked at the big building with the statue of naked people out front. We worked in the same department and our cubicles were only 15 feet apart. We even shared the same job title, and so it goes without saying that any attempt at any sort of romantic relationship was a bad idea - but… that never stops me!

I first became attracted to her when she announced that she was about to become a grandmother. I remember thinking to myself “Holy crap on a cracker, Batman! She’s way too good looking to be a grandmother!”

I knew I was right because all of my grandmothers were old and ugly, and they were all… well… dead, and yet here was Angie; drop dead gorgeous and six years younger than me to boot. This made me realize just how long I’d been out of the dating scene, and it made me realize it was time to get back into the dating scene. And then one day she walked into my cubicle and saw my sticky note about the upcoming Moody Blues concert, and she announced “Oh my God The Moody Blues! I want to see them so bad but the tickets are so friggin’ expensive!”

Angie had a way with words.

It had been almost two months since my friend, Paul, had died; and I still had his ticket for the Moody Blues. I had promised myself to keep Paul’s seat empty in his honor, but as the date of the concert grew nearer I began to dread sitting next to that empty seat. I sold Paul’s ticket to Angie for half price. I knew Paul would understand.

On the night of the concert Angie showed up wearing a smokin’ hot skirt that really showed off her long legs, which stretched all the way from her butt clear down to her feet… Hmmm… Now there’s something I’ve never said before.

The Moody Blues were great, and we eventually wound up going out on paydays after work and having drinks and shooting pool. We went and saw Gallagher, and a Blazers game. We started working out together after work 2-3 times a week in the downstairs gym. We saw Cheech & Chong, and George Thorogood.

I gave her a Valentine’s Day card and wrote some really nice words in it that made her go “Awwww!” And she kissed me on the cheek and told me I was sweet. We even visited each other’s homes and got stoned together.

And then in June… Dweezil Zappa was going to be in town. The show was four days after Angie’s birthday, and she had been sick all week with a cold. I wanted to celebrate her birthday with her, but she had a girl’s night out instead. I called her that night and sang Happy Birthday to her in the style of Elvis singing Loving You, complete with the Wooo wooo wooo wooo wooo waaaaaaaaaaaahhhh at the end. I did this because on my birthday last year she called me and sang Happy Birthday to me in the style of what can best be described as a cross between Yoko Ono and Bjork.

On the advice of one of my old high school friends I decided to give Angie a Zappa ticket for her birthday. I stuck the ticket inside of a birthday card and added some more really nice words, and even though she was still sick I took the card to her at home on the day after her birthday, and when she opened the card and saw the ticket and read the words I got the impression that she was as pleasantly pleased as a plump pot-bellied pig prostrate in plush pile of putrid poo.

It had been nearly 11 months since the Moody Blues show, and I had developed very deep feelings for Angie, but there were still three things keeping me from telling her how I felt:

1. She was a very busy lady. She worked full-time and attended college classes because she was working on getting her degree, and she frequently babysat her grandchildren which by then she now had two of, and she also did a lot of volunteer work, and that’s only the stuff that I actually knew about. She had told me before that she had no time for a social life.
2. Because we worked so closely together I didn’t want to destroy our ability to work together because let’s face it… After work I wanted her, but at work I needed her.
3. I had to take into consideration that she might not have felt the same way I did.

After months of confiding in my mother and a couple of old high school friends, who all kept telling me to TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL, YOU IDIOT!!!; I finally made the decision to tell Angie how I felt. I decided I would tell her right after the Dweezil Zappa show as I was walking her to her bus stop. My mind was made up and nothing was going to stop me.

On the night of the Dweezil Zappa show I stopped at Angie’s place so we could get stoned before the show. This turned out to be a really bad idea because pot makes both of us babble… A LOT!!! After only two pipe hits, Angie decided to tell me her boyfriend was going to prison for a year for a hit and run conviction.

This made my brain go “WHAAAAAAAAAATTTT!!!” It’s important to note here that I actually do pay attention when an attractive woman is talking to me, so that’s how I knew perfectly well that this was the first time she’d mentioned anything to me about having a boyfriend. And now here she was telling me how she really, really liked the guy. And as every guy knows, when a woman tells you how much she really, really likes another guy; it means that she DOESN’T REALLY, REALLY LIKE YOU!!!

This is where my being so weird came in handy. You see, I actually prepared myself for the worst. In fact, given my record for disastrous relationships in the past, it’s really quite comforting for me to expect the worst because I’m usually right. However, I had been shot down without even getting the chance to reveal my feelings; and in doing so, Angie had managed to hit the off switch on my feelings. In other words, my feelings were now incapable of being hurt because I no longer had those feelings. And as we walked to the bus stop to catch the bus to the concert she called her boyfriend to let HIM know she was leaving for the concert, and how much she’s going to miss HIM while HE’S in prison.

The Zappa show was spectacular and we both had a great time. And afterwards when I walked her to her bus stop I kept thinking about those wonderful words I had rehearsed for two months to tell her how I felt about her, and there I stood now with no feelings left inside of me. I kept thinking about her boyfriend going to prison, and I was having a really hard time keeping from laughing about it. Yes, I was the idiot that sang Happy Birthday and spent $90.00 on a concert ticket for a woman that didn’t feel obligated to inform me that she already had a boyfriend. Yeah, I know, I’m not tall, dark, and handsome; I’m not rich and I don’t even own a car… but at least I’m NOT GOING TO PRISON!!!

When I returned to work I found that I had received an e-mail from a woman I’ve been corresponding with on one of the seven online dating web sites that I’m registered with. You see, when you’re as weird as I am you need to keep all of your options open. The woman was a teacher, but you couldn’t tell by her typing. Apparently, she was actually a preschool teacher, and knowledge of proper grammar, spelling, and punctuation are not required to teach preschool. Fortunately, she was a teacher for the Portland School District, and so naturally they closed her school and put her out of work.

Anyway, she told me she got a new puppy, and she named it Angie.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I’m so weird; and that’s why I don’t have a girlfriend.

THE END

Letters To Paul

2010-05-27T09:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Paul,

You’ve been dead for a whole year now, and a few things have changed. I quit smoking cigarettes; I know you would’ve been proud of me for that. John the Tailor has disappeared and I now buy all my garments from Gordy, who gave me a ride to the barbecue last year. Speaking of the barbecue; Babbs, Eli, Simon, Eileen, and Ian all expressed their condolences.

Marilyn is doing fine, except for tripping over a cat toy and breaking her neck a few weeks ago. Don’t worry, she’s not paralyzed or anything but she’s even less mobile now than before. I’ve become friends with your brother, Tony. He really likes my movie collection, though he doesn’t seem to go for the all night movie marathons like we used to do.

Marilyn and your brother, Chris, took me out to dinner back before Marilyn broke her neck. Chris really wanted to thank me for helping Marilyn out with her grocery shopping, moving things around the house for her, and just keeping her company and giving her a good laugh from time to time. I know you didn’t get along with Chris, and the reasons for that are between you and him, but Chris really does seem to regret that you and he drifted apart and were never able to resolve your differences.

Tim is still going to school, although now that I think about it I have no idea what he’s studying or trying to become. Ryan has disappeared again and nobody seems to know what happened to him. This is particularly annoying because he had somebody renovating and improving kidtomfoolery.com, but then it got all screwed up and now it’s stuck that way and nobody can get a hold of Ryan to get it fixed. Ain’t that just like “Byron” for you?

Michael Jackson died, but you already knew that. Dickie Peterson also died last year; I was very sad that day. I still remember when we saw Blue Cheer at the Aladdin Theater and you spent the entire show with your fingers in your ears.

I’m back in contact with a couple of old friends from high school. At least now I can exchange amusing e-mails at work again. After you died I was stuck with nobody to talk to or e-mail. I was also stuck with nobody to go to concerts with me, but then one day at work last year, Abbi walked into my cubicle and saw my sticky note about the Moody Blues concert. I had made the decision to not give your ticket to anyone else in your honor, but as the day of the concert grew closer the thought of sitting next to that empty seat was just too much for me to bear, and so I gave your ticket to Abbi. I figured you would understand. She and I have become very good friends since then, and I’ve secretly developed some very deep feelings for her. I haven’t told her about my feelings yet for several reasons, but after the Zappa concert next month I’ll be ready to tell her and hope for the best.

Since I quit smoking cigarettes I’ve started working out and I’ve lost 15 pounds. Abbi and I work out together after work on Mondays, Wednesday, and every other Friday. On the other Fridays we go out and have a drink and shoot pool. Abbi is a terrible pool player, but she’s gotten a lot better during the last few months and she even beat me a couple of times. I’m eating healthier, and I’m drinking less. My only regret is that it took you dying to get me to this point, but on the bright side I’ve gotten used to being alive and I’ve decided to stay that way for a while.

I gotta go now. I hope everything is going well for you wherever you are.

Tracy

Letters to Paul

2009-06-01T15:52:00.000-07:00

It occurred to me that, with Paul’s sudden passing, there are people running around on the planet that didn’t get to say either “goodbye” or “piss off” to him. So I figured we all needed some space where we could say all those things to Paul that we never got to say while he was alive. That place will be here.

There are no real rules for Letters to Paul, except for:

You actually have to have known Paul. Any comments by obvious strangers or spammers that don’t know who or what they are talking about will be deleted.
Assuming you meet the criteria for the first rule, you can say anything you want to Paul. After all, he’s dead now and can’t interrupt or declare war anymore.

Okay, those are the only rules. And now, I’ll go first…

Dear Paul,

If you haven’t figured it out yet, the reason everyone is looking at you weird and talking behind your back is because you’ve been dead since last Wednesday. I’m sure this is as much a surprise to you as it was me. If there really is an afterlife I can imagine either of the following scenarios taking place:

You’re stuck somewhere in Limbo, still wearing a hospital gown and saying “Hey, wait a minute… What about my ham sandwich? Can I get that to go?”
After a very brief stop over for Judgment Day, you were banished to Hell where you are now busy making everyone in Hell sorry for even thinking about making a reservation for you, and they’re now frantically trying to rush the paperwork through in order to get rid of you.

Your mom said there won’t be any funeral for you, and that’s okay. You never liked being the center of attention for a bunch of well-dressed gloomy Gusses anyway. I guess after your cremation you’ll probably just sit in an urn next to your dad in the closet until your mom dies, hopefully that will still be a few more years away.

I e-mailed as many people as I could think of that I still have e-mail addresses for. Zane says he’ll miss your laughter. Babbs has put up a really nice memorial for you on skypilotclub.com; and Tim, Jon Sebree, and I have all contributed some words on your behalf. Jon and I have both talked to your mom and let her know that if she needs any help she can call on either or both of us. Even Ryan came out of hiding and called me a couple of times last Saturday. I still haven’t heard from JD, but I’m not sure if I have his current e-mail address or not, and I haven’t heard anything back from Simon or Eli yet.

When your brother Chris used your e-mail to contact me it was a very surreal experience because it was your name that popped up in my inbox at work. I was right in the middle of trying to finish up some important work when I saw your name pop up and I thought “Hey, he’s finally home! I’ll just finish up this work real quick and then I’ll read the message.” Five minutes later I opened up the e-mail and realized it wasn’t you; it was Chris telling me you had died. At first, I thought to myself “Ah, that’s a good one. He’s been in the hospital all this time, and now he’s home, and he’s pretending to be dead as a joke.” But as I read the e-mail again I realized it couldn’t possibly have been typed by you because all the words were spelled correctly, and even the punctuation and capitalization were correct. I knew then that something was wrong.

I frantically tried to call your house and eventually Chris answered and confirmed the bad news. He mentioned how much your family appreciated me for being your friend all these years. He also mentioned how he got into your computer and had been reading all the Paulie Family material that you still had saved. He said it was some of the funniest stuff he’s ever read. I thanked him for it and reminded him that it was usually you that provided me with the ideas; I just took the ideas and ran with them. Ironically, The Paulie Family Blog has been getting a lot of hits lately; and for once it’s not because we both keep looking on there to see if anyone else is reading it.

I remember when you were still in the hospital you were calling me every night because you were bored, feeling lousy, and just needed a laugh. One night we were talking and you mentioned that Antiques Road Show was on, and I immediately changed the channel on my TV at home so we could be in sync. I started doing a parody of the show in which the appraisers thought everything brought in for them to look at was complete crap. Some guy had brought in a table or something and I just started up with “Now this here is a complete piece of crap. These were very popular during the depression back when people couldn’t afford to purchase real furniture. You can see how the legs aren’t even level, which accounts for the severe wobble, and if you look underneath you can see all the old dried up chewing gum and boogers that people have stuck under there over the years.”

On the other end of the phone I could hear you laughing so hard that I though you would surely bust those fresh stitches you had from the operation. You told me that no matter what happened to you to make sure that The Paulie Family would continue and never die. I’m not sure how to do that because I’ve lost you as my central character, and let’s face it, not even I have a bizarre enough imagination to make up a replacement for you. My only other option is to continue The Paulie Family as if you were still alive, but without you to give me those impossible ideas, I’m not sure how to do that either.

And what impossible ideas they were! “I WANT TO BUILD A ROCKET!!!” you once declared, and I gave you my usual objections because the idea was so far out of even my scope that I couldn’t comprehend a way of doing it. But then a few days would pass and I would suddenly think “Well maybe if… “. The next thing I knew I had you building a rocket out of Legos and using dynamite as a means of propulsion. Soon you were pulling into the Arby’s Drive Thru on the moon and just as quickly pulling back out of there when you discovered how much a roast beef sandwich costs on the moon. Ah, those were the days…

I know that those days must return, but it’s going to take me some time to figure out how, and I don’t know how long it’s going to take. I’m sorry you couldn’t make it to The Allman Brothers concert; you would’ve enjoyed it. My boss wound up buying your ticket, but I know she didn’t enjoy the show as much as you would’ve. The last time I spoke to you, you said you’d be up and around for The Moody Blues at the end of July, and now I’m stuck with another extra ticket – really good floor seats too, right on the aisle just like you always want. But this time the ticket is not for sale. I’ll keep that seat open for you, just in case you’re in the neighborhood.

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
and Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

Dear Paul,

Hey, you’ll never believe what David Carradine did. Maybe you can ask him about it and get the real scoop. You’ve been dead for over a week now. Babbs did a real nice memorial for you on skypilotclub.com; somebody even managed to find a good picture of you playing your guitar the last time we attended the barbecue.

I put up a memorial for you on both the kidtomfoolery message board and on the Paulie Family blog, and all of a sudden people are checking them out again. Even Ryan came out of the woodwork. And the blog has gotten more hits in the last week than we had all of last year.

Your brother, Chris, seems to really enjoy the Paulie Family adventures. I know you didn’t get along with Chris when you were alive, but I hope the two of you made peace before you died. Chris recently left a message on the blog asking me for my e-mail address. I sent it to him, so hopefully I’ll be hearing from him again soon. It was also nice meeting your brother, Tony. I was sorry he couldn’t go and see The Allman Brothers Band either, since he needed to be available to take care of you when you got home. I was hoping I’d be able to say something to you like “Don’t worry; I won’t let him get robbed or arrested!”

I’m still waiting to hear from your mom on whether or not she needs help taking care of all your stuff. I told her I needed my CDs back, and both Jon and I have offered to go over there and help breakdown your waterbed, or anything else she might need help with. I’m sure that when she’s ready she’ll let us know.

I’ve decided that the Paulie Family must continue with you as the main character, despite the fact that you’re dead. It’s just the kind of impossible concept that you would’ve suggested only to have me declare that it couldn’t be done, and then finally figuring out a way to make it work later. I’m still trying to figure out how to make it work, but one way or another I will make it work.

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
and Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

In Memory of Paul

2009-05-28T12:28:00.000-07:00

It is with great sadness that I must announce that Paulie Family co-founder/co-conspirator Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon passed away at 10:50 a.m. on May 27th, 2009 at Southwest Medical Center in Vancouver, WA. He was 54 years old. Paul had been fighting liver cancer for over two years, and he fought it valiantly, but in the end complications from the cancer won.

At this time I have no word on any type of funeral services.

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Song Writer,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

Angry Bald Man Gets Counseling

2008-07-29T16:10:00.000-07:00

We interrupt this program to bring you a breaking story from the RFU News Desk. Here now is Piston McCauffey.

Piston: Hello to all you folks out there in radio land! This is your old friend, Piston McCauffey with a breaking news story. It has been reported that beloved Paulie Family character, Angry Bald Man is getting counseling for Anger Management. When asked how he’s progressing with his counseling Angry Bald Man replied “I’VE ONLY HAD ONE FUCKING COUNSELING SESSION SO FAR; GIVE ME A BREAK GODDAMMIT!!!”

We’ll have more on this story as it develops. We return you now to our regularly scheduled program.

Music: Are crop circles really for real?
Can the answer be all that hard?
Are they really made by aliens,
Or did someone throw up in the yard?

Tracy: Banjo solo!

Paul: I don’t play the banjo you bastard!

Tracy: Sorry, guitar solo…

Tracy's Latest Story

2008-07-16T12:08:00.001-07:00

This is a story I wrote with the intent of reading it at Ken Babbs’ annual 4th of July barbecue; however, circumstances arose that prevented me from making it down there this year. But I still think it’s a good story, and so here it is…

Homeless Without Dogs (Written & copyrighted by Tracy McCall 7/08)

This is a story I wrote about one of my many adventures on public transportation in Portland, Oregon, the people who ride on it, and the different views of the world that they share whether you want to hear about them or not.

The other day I committed an astoundingly evil sin on my way home on the bus. I even surprised myself with this one. Here’s what happened…

I’m sitting and minding my own business when a woman with a baby gets on the bus and sits in the seat in front of me. The woman is actually talking in both English and French to the baby and this draws immediate and friendly inquiries from the other passengers.

This made me wonder why it is that Americans don’t seem to mind a white woman talking French on the bus, but if any woman of any other race or nationality gets on the bus and talks in her own native language everybody thinks that’s rude.

Anyway, from the other passenger’s inquiries I learned that this woman is teaching all her children to be bi-lingual. One child of hers, she claimed, could even speak Korean. It was during the course of all this conversation that the woman asked the baby “Do you see a doggy?” as she pointed out the window.

Well that’s all it took and now the baby is yelling “DOGGY!!!” every 30 seconds for the next 68 blocks. This is where things get interesting…

As we’re approaching the Burnside Bridge she tells her baby “I’m sure there’ll be doggies on the bridge up here!”

She was of course referring to the homeless people that so frequently camp out on the sidewalk of the bridge, and always seem to have a pet dog or two around with them.

Well as we passed the homeless on the bridge it soon became clear that none of them had a dog. This led the woman to actually say, out loud to her baby, “Gee I was sure we would see some doggies on the bridge. Usually you see them laying there on the sidewalk with their families.”

It’s important to note here that the woman was not the least bit disappointed by the sight of homeless people camping out on the bridge. She was actually disappointed that none of the homeless people had a dog.

And as for the phrase “Usually you see them laying there on the sidewalk with their families”, I imagined two homeless dogs sitting around and saying to each other “Hey, let’s get our families and go lay on the hot burning sidewalk on the bridge, where we can enjoy the sights and sounds of rush hour traffic, exhaust fumes, and road debris.”

I’m neither Democrat nor Republican, so that concept makes absolutely no sense to me.

I thought to myself “That’s the problem with homeless people; they never live up to the public’s unrealistic expectations!”

I realized immediately that this situation had to be diffused, and so during the course of observing the baby attaching his blueberry flavored sucker to the sleeve of his mother’s really nice summer dress and drooling blue slobber on her shoulder, and yelling “DOGGY!!!” every 30 seconds I reasoned that the one sure-fire way to make a baby shut up is to appeal to their short attention span by showing them something they’re never seen before.

And so, as the baby looked at me over his mother’s blue sticky shoulder and yelled “DOGGY!!!” at me, I extended my hand to just behind the mother’s right ear and flipped off the baby.

This had the immediate desired effect because the baby immediately began to try to mimic my hand gesture. Ah, the sight of a young baby trying new things… It just sort of gets you right here.

The mother, oblivious to her young son’s newfound knowledge, removed the sucker from her dress and tried to give it back to the baby, but the baby was busy reaching beyond his mother’s peripheral vision and was hard at practice trying desperately to clench his fingers into a fist without bending the middle finger. To the baby’s credit, he learns fast.

The mother, with no place to put the wet sticky sucker simply tossed it out the window where, much to my amazement, it stuck to the back of the head of a bald guy driving a convertible.

She then pulled the baby off of her blue sticky shoulder and held him out in front of her and said “You see what happens when you don’t hold on to your sucker?”

And with that the baby extended his hand out to within two inches of his mother’s face and very slowly and methodically enabled his young innocent brain to send the signals to the hand to flex and relax all the right muscles at just the right time and in just the right sequence to flip off his mother.

Unfortunately, his hand was so close her face that she actually thought the baby was attempting to pick her nose, and so she simply pulled his hand down and away from her face, and placed him back on her blue sticky shoulder, facing me again, so that he could go back to practicing this wonderful new talent without interruption.

Well needless to say I didn’t hear anything more about doggies for the rest of the bus ride, and as I approached my stop and rang the bell I gave the still practicing baby one more demonstration. It’s always good to reinforce a child’s education through practice and tutoring.

I knew as I stepped off the bus that the kid would do just fine. It was simply a matter of time until he flipped his mother off again, only when she was far enough away to actually see what he was doing.

According to the mother, the baby’s father is a successful architect, and it’s only a matter of time once the mother figures out what her baby is doing that she’s going to accuse the father of teaching his son rude and improper hand gestures in the name of some sort of primitive male bonding ritual. And that father is going to have some ‘splaining to do.

But theirs is a world of perfection, where the wife of a successful architect can afford to ride the bus while carrying her baby in her arms because she didn’t have one of those nifty strollers. And some day in their perfect world… There will be no more homeless without dogs.

THE END

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Song Writer,
And Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

The Blood & Bath Movie Review 2008

2008-05-08T15:59:00.000-07:00

Zombie Strippers (2008, USA)

Directed by Jay Lee

Well just when you thought that the genre of the zombie movie had covered everything possible, along comes this little piece of work. If you thought the movie Redneck Zombies was the worst thing that could happen with a zombie movie – you were wrong, very wrong.

I can honestly say that this is unquestionably one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, and yet it still has its appeal. This movie starts out with the usual zombie outbreak; the special military unit is called in to take care of it; one of them gets bitten by a zombie, and when he sees that the only cure for a zombie bite is a bullet through the brain he decides to go AWOL and somehow winds up in the local strip club.

If you’ve ever spent any amount of quality time in a strip club, whether it be as a patron or employee, then you’re familiar with all the stereotypical politics and competition between strippers. Well it’s not long before the guy that got the zombie bite turns into a zombie himself and bites a stripper. Here’s where things get interesting. Instead of becoming slowed down and clumsy like zombies are usually prone to do, the zombie stripper is suddenly the shining star on stage, and of course the customers don’t even mind that she has a hole chewed out of her throat and she’s covered with blood.

Well one by one all of the other strippers get jealous of the zombie stripper getting all the applause and tips, so they decide to become zombies as well. Yeah, that about covers it. As bad as this movie is it still has everything: Over the top bad acting and lots and lots of boobs, blood and gore. Zombie Strippers is sort of like a Troma movie with a slightly bigger budget. Starring Robert Englund as the strip club owner, who doesn’t mind that the strippers are all becoming zombies and turning all the customers into zombies because business has never been better; and porn superstar Jenna Jameson as, what else? – A stripper.

What really makes this movie work is that it is, in fact, a mere parody of zombie movies, and it doesn’t try to be anything more than that. With that in mind there are actually quite a few humorous moments throughout the movie.

If you like low budget zombie movies with really bad acting and lots of artificial breast implants, combined with copious amounts of cheap blood and gore, then this is the movie for you. And if you’re looking for a movie that has a nice normal Christian-value love story to it, well for some odd reason that I never figured out, this movie has that too.

Rating from 1 to 10: 6

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Song Writer,
And Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

Liver Cancer

2008-04-20T23:11:00.000-07:00

Hello folks. I am still trying to get healthy. I was told I have liver cancer 2 weeks ago. A liver biopsy is coming up in a couple of weeks. That will let me know for sure. As of right now I am not on the liver transplant waiting list. We'll see how all of this mess works out.

Still Trying to get Healthy

2008-03-13T00:14:00.000-07:00

Well folks, I've been to Seattle to go to the Washington State University Medical Center trying to get on their liver transplant list. There are plenty of hoops they make you jump through. First was a consultation with the Hepitoligists to see if I'm even a candidate for a transplant. They seem to think I am. Wheww. Next hoop was a test for ileagle drugs and alcohol. No problem there. I've been sober over 2 years now. Next Monday I have to be back for a CT scan to make sure there are no cancers in my body. That will be the next hoop. I'll write more about this matter as I find out myself what's going to happen. For now, all of you fans of The Paulie Family hang in there and if all goes well we'll be back to touring again in the next year or 2 depending on my health.

Thanks again for everyone's support.

Paul(refuses to have a nickname) Zimmon

Be sure to check out The Rude Pundit's Blog

2008-03-08T17:33:00.000-08:00

http://rudepundit.blogspot.com/

You could make him a small donation. He's rude and usually right.

This from the Rude Pundent's blog

2008-03-04T23:43:00.000-08:00

President Bush Says, "Bow Down to Our Corporate Overlords":Yesterday, speaking to a group of attorneys general, the President of the United States said that the Executive Branch colluded with major corporations to violate your privacy, and you should be happy about it, you ungrateful motherfuckers: "To defend the country, we need to be able to monitor communications of terrorists quickly and be able to do it effectively. And we can't do it without the cooperation of private companies. Unfortunately, some of the private companies have been sued for billions of dollars because they are believed to have helped defend America after the attacks on 9/11. Now the question is, should these lawsuits be allowed to proceed, or should any company that may have helped save American lives be thanked for performing a patriotic service; should those who stepped forward to say we're going to help defend America have to go to the courthouse to defend themselves, or should the Congress and the President say thank you for doing your patriotic duty? I believe we ought to say thank you."You got that? AT&T let the NSA listen to your phone calls and read your e-mail, and you should say, "Oh, christ, AT&T, Verizon, and BellSouth, I'm so fuckin' grateful you let George W. Bush's administration have access to my private communication. I feel so much fuckin' safer that it was done without any warrant or even an attempt to retroactively get a warrant and that, in essence, you allowed the government to treat me as a criminal in what any sane Supreme Court would call a violation of at least three or four articles and amendments. And, even more, I'm fuckin' beside myself with glee that, violating your own fuckin' policies, you will never tell me that George W. Bush has been readin' my e-mail to my Laotian transsexual lover who just wants some of my money to complete her operation. Thanks, telecoms, thanks so fuckin' much." And then, when the CEOs of these megacorporations stand before you, you should kneel down and bathe the waxy folds of their balls with your tongue.But, see, according to the President, it's all cool because he told them the telecoms that it was cool: "These lawsuits are really unfair, if you think about it. If any of the companies believed to have helped us -- I'm just going to tell you, they were told it was legal by the government. And they were told it was necessary by the government. And here they are getting sued. It would be dangerous -- the reason -- the danger in all this is that because the private companies are fearful of lawsuits or being besieged by lawsuits, they would be less willing to help in the future. If your government has said this is legal, and we want your help, and then all of a sudden they get sued for billions of dollars, you can imagine how hesitant they'll be with future requests."So, let's see. Apparently, it all went down something like this: The NSA goes to Verizon and says, "Hey, motherfuckers, we gots to catch us some motherfuckin' terrorists, so we're gonna need you to let us jack into your streams, man, your motherfuckin' satellites and fiber-optic shit so's we can get our spy on." And Verizon says something like, "Oh, shit, man, what the fuck? You can't just fuckin' listen to everyone's cell phone calls. You fucked in the heads? Get a fuckin' warrant." And the NSA says, "Warrants? That's old school shit, man. What, do you hate America, bitch? Don't worry - we gots lawyers and dudes at colleges sayin' shit's cool. Chill the fuck out. And here's the fuckin' deal, bitches: you don't roll over and show us your asses, your bottom line's gonna get a whole lot lower, know what we're sayin'?" And Verizon, shittin' blood because profit's way more important than abiding by their policies and, well, fuck, the law, says, "Shit, Bush says it's cool?" And NSA says, "It's cool, bitch. Give us this shit." And Verizon says, "Well, fuck, okay, but if this shit leaks out, some motherfuckers better get us some civil suit immunity." And NSA says, "It's covered, motherfuckers. What, you think the Congress ain't gonna protect your ass after all the green you spread up there?" And Verizon says, "Jack in, motherfuckers."Or something like that.So, now, with the House of Representatives about to roll over, corporate America will be safe to lie to the faces of their customers about all those rules they come up with about how much they give a happy monkey fuck about our privacy. First telecoms and your phone calls, next A&P bonus club card purchases, because, surely, there's a terrorist diet that can be tracked by getting into your shopping baskets.And the government will be standing there, offering sincere thanks to the companies for ensuring that the our freedom is protected by taking away our right to be left the fuck alone.

We're active again

2008-03-03T13:29:00.000-08:00

I know there has not been much activity here but that's going to change. Not strictly comedy any more. I will be covering several issues I consider important. Some with politics and some having to do with prescription drugs you should avoid. I'll be back tomorrow with my first essay having to do with politics.

Paul (refuses to have a nickname) Zimmon

The Blood & Bath Movie Review

2007-04-11T14:28:00.000-07:00

Fatty Drives The Bus (1999, USA)

Directed by Mick Napier

Every now and then, despite my efforts to fully research a movie before I buy it on DVD, I wind up getting suckered by all the rave reviews on Amazon.com. Fatty Drives The Bus is a perfect example. My main reason for buying this DVD is that it was released by Troma Entertainment. I’m a big fan of Troma movies, and I know what to expect from them, but this one falls way short of expectations.

This movie had so much potential; the premise itself is so bizarre that in the hands of Troma how could it go wrong? The plot centers on Satan not meeting his monthly quota on souls, and he learns that one of the reasons is that a “Cheap Ass Tours” bus has cancelled its tour because it turns out that Jesus is also in town that day. So Satan takes matter into his own hands and disguises himself as a tour guide, and along with his driver, Fatty, takes a group of rather odd individuals on a sight-seeing tour of Chicago.

A true Troma fan knows to expect any or all of the following in a Troma movie: Blood, gore, violence, nudity, and over the top acting. Fatty Drives The Bus has none of these qualities. In fact, the only genuinely funny moments in this movie is with the opening line of “Mornin’ Satan, wanna donut?”, and the constant references to the location where the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre took place. Other than that, this movie just ain’t funny, the acting is way too subdued and lackluster, and Fatty, the driver, really doesn’t even have any memorable lines or scenes.

I love a movie that’s “So bad it’s good.” But this movie is just plain bad, and not in a good way.

Rating from 1 to 10: 2.

Ed And His Dead Mother (1993, USA)

Directed by Jonathan Wacks

Here’s another movie that had so much potential only to fall way short of expectations. Steve Buscemi has played some memorable roles. I thought he was great in Fargo. And although Ned Beatty does a wonderful performance in this movie, it just doesn’t help make this movie any better.

Again we start with an excellent premise. Ed is played by Steve Buscemi. Ed’s mother died about a year ago, and Ed misses her dearly. Ed’s Uncle Benny (Played by Ned Beatty), doesn’t miss his deceased sister one bit because he can finally live in his sister’s house along with his nephew, Ed, and gaze through his telescope at the sexy new neighbor across the street without having his overbearing sister butting in.

And then one day along comes A.J. Pattle (Played by John Glover), a salesman for Happy People, Ltd. It seems that for the very low price of only $1,000 Ed’s mother can be brought back to life, and Ed quickly agrees. But of course, bringing dead people back to life can have its unforeseen complications. It turns out that in order for Ed’s mother to be perfectly “normal” she has to eat bugs. But if she eats too many bugs she tends to go into hyper drive and do rather unusual things, such as painting the kitchen overnight and baking a couple hundred pies, or chasing the neighbor’s dog down the street with a carving knife and fork.

Ed is thrilled to have his mother back at home, but of course Uncle Benny isn’t. One of the best scenes in this movie is when Ed comes downstairs for breakfast and Uncle Benny just sort of casually mentions “Ed… your mother’s in the refrigerator.” Ed opens the refrigerator and sure enough, there’s mom peeling potatoes. Things get more and more complicated when the sexy neighbor starts making moves on Ed, but still this movie never really blasts off like it should.

The best way to describe this movie would be if you take Peter Jackson’s Dead/Alive and remove all the blood, gore, and violence so it only gets a PG-13 rating. Ed’s mother doesn’t even look remotely dead. In many ways this movie has a lot of funny moments, but it just never reaches the gut busting stage, and in the end you wind up feeling screwed, and not in a good way.

Rating from 1 to 10: 4.

Saw III (2006, USA)

Directed by Darren Lynn Bousman

I haven’t actually seen either of the first two Saw movies, so I really can’t compare Saw III to the first two movies. However, after watching Saw III I can safely say “Wow!” Now here’s a movie that truly delivers the goods: Nasty scenes of torture, spectacular deaths with plenty of blood and gore, some fine gratuitous nudity, and a wonderful plot twist at the end.

The plot? Well there’s this bad guy named Jigsaw (Played by Tobin Bell), who with the help of his apprentice, Amanda (Played by Shawnee Smith), go around kidnapping people for some reason that I never quite figured out, and lock them into a maze of torture and deadly traps.

As I’ve already stated, I’ve never seen the first two Saw movies so I can’t compare Saw III to either of the first two, but I do know what I like and Saw III impressed me on all levels. There are scenes in this movie that I cannot even begin to describe; you’ll just have to see it for yourself.

If you think a good horror movie is nothing more than just another run of the mill slasher flick, then steer clear of Saw III. But for you true fans of blood and gore this is a must see movie, and I’m definitely going to check out the first two Saw movies.

Rating from 1 to 10: 9.5.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006, USA)

Directed by Jonathan Liebesman

Let’s start with a quick run down of all the TCM movies:

Texas Chainsaw Massacre – 1974. The original. I’ve always thought this movie was relatively tame by today’s standards, but in 1974 it made quite an impression on people.

TCM 2 – 1986. This first sequel wasn’t too bad. A nice blend of horror/comedy.

TCM 3 – 1990. I know I saw it about 10 years ago, but I don’t actually remember anything about it.

TCM: The Next Generation – 1995. Absolutely SUCKS!!!

TCM (Remake of the original) – 2003. Haven’t seen it.

Which brings us to this latest sequel, TCM – The Beginning. Here we see how it all began with the birth of Thomas Hewitt, who would grow up to become the legendary Leatherface. Young Thomas is a bit slow in mind, and a bit deformed looking, but he overcomes these obstacles and grows up and gets a job at the local slaughterhouse. But the slaughterhouse falls victim to economic hard times in 1969 and closes down, but Thomas doesn’t want to leave.

Meanwhile, there are two brothers. The older one is getting ready to go and serve his second tour of duty in Vietnam (Yes folks, there actually were people back then who fell for all that “Honor of serving your country” bullshit); the younger one has just been drafted and isn’t too keen on the idea of going to war. The two brothers take their girlfriends out on a road trip for one last fling, and on the way back have an encounter with some rather unruly bikers which results in a car crash.

Just when things aren’t looking too good for the good guys, the Sheriff shows up. Well it’s not really the Sheriff. The Sheriff is played by R. Lee Ermey, yes folks, that annoying guy on Mail Call. But make no mistake here folks, Ermey knows how to play a bad guy and he does it extremely well in this movie. Anyway, the only reason he’s the Sheriff is because the whole town moved away when the slaughterhouse closed, and when the real Sheriff stopped by to say goodbye, “Uncle Charlie” killed him.

The Sheriff takes the good guys into custody, and the bad guys do bad things to the good guys. This movie is really great. It’s got all the wonderful graphic violence, wonderfully dark humor, and Ermey’s over the top acting really makes this movie work.

Rating from 1 to 10: 8.5.

Edgar Allan Poe’s The Raven (2006, USA)

Directed by Ulli Lommel

I’d like to start off by saying that Edgar Allan Poe is one of my all-time favorite writers. I’ve read his Complete Works – twice. And I enjoyed those Poe-related movies with Vincent Price back in the 60s. But after watching this movie all I could say was “WHAT THE FUCK!!!???” Let me repeat that just for emphasis… “WHAT THE FUCK!!!???”

Did anybody that had anything to do with this movie ever actually read anything by Poe? Nothing in this movie indicated that they had. It’s as if the director, screenwriter, and producer all took acid one day and in the middle of a psychedelic revelation they all said “Edgar Allan Poe’s The Raven… Gee, that’s a great title! Let’s make a movie that DOESN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING THAT POE EVER WROTE!!!”

The plot? Jesus Bloody H. Christ, where do I begin? A little girl named Lenore is adopted and raised by an old airline pilot… Yep, you heard right. She is also raised with the help of a couple on nuns. Lenore grows up, gets raped, and kills the rapist by electrocuting him in the bathtub. Let that be a lesson to all you future rapists out there… DON’T HANG AROUND AND TAKE A BATH AFTER COMMITTING RAPE!!!

Lenore becomes a singer in an all female band. The dead rapist apparently comes back from the dead and goes around killing all of Lenore’s friends with a knife. Intermixed in all this are scenes of Lenore asleep and dreaming while a very bad Poe impersonator stands by babbling and writing illegibly on a piece of paper.

This movie is nothing more than a cheap slasher flick, and not even a good one. In Poe’s writing he never resorted to cheap, mundane methods of death like getting stabbed to death. He always went for the unusual, the bizarre, the spectacular, and this movie has none of that. I paid $3.99 to see this on my On Demand Channel, and I got reamed. If you’re a fan of Edgar Allan Poe stay away from this movie at all cost, it will only insult your intelligence, and not in a good way.

Rating from 1 to 10: 2.

The Dentist (1996, USA)

Directed by Brian Yuzna

Folks, I haven’t been to a dentist since 1968. After watching this movie I’ll let every rotting, festering tooth I have fall out of my head before I let a dentist come anywhere near me. This is one creepy movie.

Corbin Bernsen turns in a brilliant performance as Dr. Feinstone. Dr. Feinstone has everything a dentist could possibly want; a successful practice, a nice house with a nice pool, and a beautiful wife with big tits. But the doctor is a little on edge today. He can’t find his cuff links, the IRS is threatening to audit him, and today is his wedding anniversary. And when the doctor discovers his wife is fooling around with the pool guy, the doctor goes right off the deep end – so to speak.

Although this movie is by no means a splatterfest, there are a couple of nice bloody gruesome scenes, and the psychological tension throughout this movie will have you on the edge of your seat, or whatever it is you’re sitting on at the time, and wondering “What will he do to the next patient?”

If you really hate dentists then you’ll identify with this movie. If you hate the IRS you’ll love what happens when the IRS agent shows up at the office and offers to make the doctors tax problems go away in exchange for some free dental work. This movie never slows down, and it builds and builds right up to the wonderful twist and the end.

Rating from 1 to 10: 8.

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

RFU 1-07

2007-02-14T11:34:00.000-08:00

RFU 1-07 Copyright 2/07 by McCall/Zimmon/Gallagher/Sears

Disclaimer: The following program contains material that is guaranteed to offend somebody somewhere. Reader discretion is advised.

Theme Music: They’re not in tune with nature
They’re not in tune with Zen
We thought they finally went away
But now they’re back again
So now for all you folks out there
Who do not have a clue
Here now is Piston McCauffey
The host of RFU…

Piston: Radio Free Urine is on the air! Hello to all you folks out there in radio land, this is your old friend, Piston McCauffey, coming to you from the big building with the statue of naked people out front.

Well the Paulie Family has stirred up quite a bit of excitement in Berlin, Germany where after the band gave a fine performance at the Columbiahalle, Paulie Family bandleader, Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon, announced that he was running for the office of Chancellor on the new Nicer Gentler Snotzi Party ticket.

Oddly enough, Paul actually managed to get elected as Chancellor, and now the German political system has been plunged into total chaos. We take you now to our on the spot reporter, Anita Bier. Come in, Anita Bier.

(The sounds of rioting, sirens, gunshots, and “Yankee Go Home!” can be heard in the background.)

Anita: Piston, I’m here in Berlin where the political unrest has spiraled out of control. Paulie Family bandleader and now German Chancellor, Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon for some odd reason has locked himself inside of a fenced area. I’m going to try and get a word with him if I can… Excuse me, Paul! Can I ask you some questions?

Paul: What do you want; can’t you see I’m busy?

Anita: Paul, why have you locked yourself inside of this fenced area?

Paul: This is my concentration camp.

Anita: I see, and how is it working out?

Paul: Terrible, I can’t concentrate with all this noise.

(Paul shouts at the rioting crowd to be quiet, but they don’t comply.)

Paul: And what’s with these people? I keep trying to tell them about how my Nicer, Gentler Snotzi Party is going to make things all better for everyone, and they just stare at me like I’m speaking a foreign language or something.

Anita: Well you are in Germany.

Paul: What does that have to do with anything?

Anita: They speak German here.

Paul: That’s nonsense! I went into a restaurant yesterday and ordered a Sauerkraut Volkswagen with a side of Gesundheit and they acted like I was a tourist or something!

(Tracy comes walking up out of nowhere. He’s replaced his glasses by wearing not one, but two monocles, and he’s dressed in lederhosen.)

Tracy: May I see your handkerchief, please?

Anita: Excuse me?

Tracy: Your handkerchief, show me your handkerchief!

Anita: Don’t you mean my papers or my passport?

Tracy: No you daft twat, I mean your handkerchief!

Anita: Why do want to see my handkerchief?

Tracy: Because I’m the Boogermeister, that’s why!

Paul: He is the Boogermeister; I appointed him myself!

Anita: What exactly is a Boogermeister?

Tracy: I’m the Meister of Boogers; that’s why it’s called Boogermeister.

Paul: You hit that one right on the nose!

(There’s a pause just before Paul and Tracy fall to the ground laughing at Paul’s intended pun.)

Anita: It doesn’t appear to me that either of you are taking the politics of this country very seriously.

(Paul and Tracy stop laughing and get up off the ground.)

Tracy: Look, do we try to tell you how to follow us around and ask us stupid questions?

Paul: Yeah, and I’m not so sure I like your tone! Maybe I should sic Tim on you!

Anita: Are you referring to Tim, your Road Manager?

Paul: No, I promoted him to Field Marshall.

Anita: So where is Tim now?

Paul: Out marshalling fields, where else would a Field Marshall be?

Anita: How exactly do you Marshall a field?

(The scene shifts to a field of tall grass where we find Tim standing alone, dressed in a Gestapo uniform, and yelling at the grass.)

Tim: ATTENTION!!! STAND UP STRAIGHT!!! I WANT TO SEE EVERBODY IN A NICE TIGHT FORMATION!!!

(Tim sees one blade of grass slightly sagging. He bends over to stare it down.)

Tim: WHAT’S THE PROBLEM HERR SCHICKELLGRUBER???!!! CAN’T KEEP UP WITH THE REST OF THE CLASS???!!! I WILL CRUSH YOU UNDER MY BOOT!!!

(The scene shifts back to Anita, who has reluctantly surrendered her handkerchief to Tracy. Tracy stares at the handkerchief in disgust.)

Tracy: EMPTY!!! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS???!!!

Anita: What in the hell are you talking about?

Paul: Go easy on her; she’s the only reporter here that speaks English!

Tracy: Oh alright, I’ll tell ya’ what… You can have some of mine…

(Before Anita can protest Tracy blows his nose into Anita’s handkerchief with a mighty honking sound. Tracy hands Anita back her handkerchief.)

Tracy: There you go, all nice and legal now!

(Anita reluctantly puts the handkerchief back into her purse as JD comes walking up. JD, who hasn’t been out on a date since he became Paul’s Spiritual Advisor six years ago decides to make small talk with Anita.)

JD: Caught with an empty hanky, huh? Boy I hate when that happens!

Anita: JD, what part do you play in this new political system?

JD: I’m the Minister of the Interior.

Anita: And how is that working out for you?

JD: It sucks; this is the first time I’ve been outdoors in weeks!

Paul: Hey, Minister of the Interior! I need your report!

JD: It’s still warm and dry on the inside!

Paul: Good! Consistency, that’s what a good government needs!

Tracy: Who could’ve imagined that some day we’d all be in charge of the beer capital of the world?

Paul: Beer capital of the world?

Tracy: Well yeah, Reinheitsgetbot and all that, y’know?

Paul: But I quit drinking, I don’t want to be in charge of the beer capital of the world! Let me out of this damn thing!

(Paul begins shaking the locked gates of the concentration camp. Meanwhile, the citizens appear to be forming a lynch mob with rope, torches, etc.)

Anita: Paul, the crowd seems to be becoming more restless. What are you going to do?

Paul: Ah look at ‘em all, bless their hearts! It looks like they’re going to have a barbecue and they’re coming over to invite us. I gotta tell ya’… These people may not make any sense when they talk, but they’re good kind people! I’m really gonna miss this place!

(As the angry crowd gets closer Paul begins having second thoughts.)

Paul: Jeez, what’s with these people? If this is the beer capital of the world then they all must be drunk! But why are they so unruly? I was never like this when I was drunk, was I?

Anita/Tracy/JD: YES YOU WERE!!!

Paul: Oh. Well then perhaps we’d better leave. Hey, Boogermeister, open up this gate!

Tracy: I don’t have the keys.

Paul: What do you mean you don’t have the keys? YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE BOOGERMEISTER!!!

Tracy: AND WHY WOULD A BOOGERMEISTER HAVE THE KEYS???!!!

Paul: I don’t know, I guess if you stick a key up your nose you can unlock the mysteries of the human mind?

(Tracy looks at JD.)

Tracy: Alright, what have you been telling him?

JD: Me? What makes you think I had anything to do with it?

Tracy: Because you’re his Spiritual Advisor and not even I am crazy enough to think that you can unlock the mysteries of the human mind by sticking a key up your nose!

JD: Okay, I thought it might make for good conversation if we ever get invited on the Dr. Phil Show.

Tracy: And why would we ever be invited on the Dr. Phil Show?

JD: Why not? We got invited on Hollywood Squares once, didn’t we?

(The reference to Hollywood Squares brings back terrifying memories for Paul, who had Anna Nicole Smith fall on him when The Paulie Family appeared on Hollywood Squares.)

Tracy: Ah, Anna Nicole… May she rest in peace.

Paul: What are you talking about? She died without ever paying me one penny from that $300,000,000 logsuit NO THANKS TO YOU MR. ATTORNEY AT LOG!!!

Tracy: Hey, she never would’ve landed on you if you hadn’t fallen out of the center square!

Paul: And I never would’ve fallen out of the center square if you guys hadn’t pushed me!

Tracy: And we never would’ve pushed you if they hadn’t stuck all nine of us in the center square!

Paul: And they never would’ve stuck all nine of us in the center square if I hadn’t…

(There’s a pause as Paul remembers that the Hollywood Squares fiasco was his fault. Thinking quickly, Paul decides to change the subject.)

Paul: Wait a minute, WHERE’S TIM???!!!

(The scene shifts back to the field of tall grass, where Tim, who hadn’t joined up with The Paulie Family yet when they appeared on Hollywood Squares, is still yelling at the same blade of grass.)

Tim: WHAT’S THE MATTER HERR SCHICKELLGRUBER???!!! NOT ENOUGH SUN???!!! PERHAPS THE AFRIKA KORPS WOULD BE MORE TO YOUR LIKING!!!

(Meanwhile back at the concentration camp, the angry mob is coming closer.)

Anita: Piston, I think I’m going to turn it back over to you while I get the hell out of here!

Piston: Thank you, Anita Bier! Well folks, The Paulie Family hasn’t let touring or running another country keep them out of the recording studio, speaking of which, let’s take a look at this week’s Top 10 Pillboard Chart:

1. What Condition That My Kitchen Was In by The Paulie Family
2. Change Of Fart by Tom Sweaty and The Fartbreakers
3. You’ll Never Find Another Log Like Mine by Poo Rawls
4. Turd Time Lucky (First Time I Was A Stool) by Loghat
5. Piss Little Girl by Gary U.S. Bondage
6. Three Ring Circumcision by Jew Magic
7. Whizzing Off The Dock Into Bay by Otis Wetting
8. Runny by Booby Nosepearl
9. Cumshine On Your Glove by Cream
10. A Beans And Beer Morning by The Asscalls

And that’s right folks; The Paulie Family has another #1 song, and let’s listen to it now…

Music: What Condition That My Kitchen Was In (Sung to the tune of What Condition My Condition Was In by Kenny Rogers and The First Edition

Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, what condition that my kitchen was in.

I woke up this mornin' with my ceiling caving in
I went to my toilet and left a great big turd within
I went into my kitchen to feed my cat
But all the cat food had been eaten by a rat
I just dropped in to see what condition that my kitchen was in.

Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, what condition that my kitchen was in.

I looked in my refrigerator to see if it works, but it doesn't
I ate what I thought was a Milk Dud off the floor, but it wasn't
Dirty dishes are piled up like children's blocks
If empty beer cans were gold this would be Fort Knox
I just dropped in to see what condition that my kitchen was in.

Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, what condition that my kitchen was in.

Somebody stuck a condemned sign on my door and then ran like hell
I guess I need to take out the garbage ‘cos it's really piling up and starting to smell
My dishes just need a few more days to soak
Whether or not I’ll ever wash them is a running joke
I just dropped in to see what condition that my kitchen was in.
I said I just dropped in to see what condition that my kitchen was in.

Yeah, yeah, oh yeah.

Piston: And there you have it folks, another #1 song by The Paulie Family written by that harmonious and habitually hackneyed hermit hiding happily in his harborage of hopelessly haggard housework... Tracy (Never had a nickname) McCall!

(The phone rings. It’s the fat woman that’s always calling in to complain about how The Paulie Family is always making fun of fat people.)

Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!

FW: I’d like to know why The Paulie Family has all this time to make fun of fat Germans when there are plenty of fat people right here in America to make fun of?

Piston: Well Gee, I don’t know. Perhaps they just needed to experience the diversity in the cultures of fat people in other countries.

FW: Do you think they’ll return home soon?

Piston: That’s hard to say. The Paulie Family isn’t really known for sticking to tight touring schedules. You’re not jealous because they’re paying attention to other fat people, are you?

FW: Oh no, it’s just that I’m fat and they’re the only people that ever talk to me.

Piston: But don’t they always insult you?

FW: Yeah, but when it comes to attention, boogers can’t be cheesy.

Piston: Boogers can’t be cheesy?

FW: Yeah, I thought of that myself. It’s a word play on “beggars can’t be choosy.” I thought Tracy would appreciate it, what with him being a Boogermeister now and all.

Piston: Well if I know Tracy, and I do, I think there’s only one thing he’d say to boogers can’t be cheesy.

FW: What’s that?

Piston: He’d say “Oh yeah, haven’t you ever heard of cheeseboogers?”

(Piston hangs up the phone.)

Piston: Well folks, it looks like that’s all the time we have for today’s show, so be sure to join us here again next time for Radio Free Urine!

THE END

Credits: Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter
Attorney at Log

Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon
Band Leader, Lead and Rhythm Guitars,
Script Ideas.

Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher
Road Manager, Archives, Script Ideas and Additional Material.

JD (Don’t Know What The D Stands For) Sears
Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, Conga Player,
Script Ideas.

The Paulie Family

2006-12-15T23:36:00.000-08:00

The Paulie Family
Considering all the mishaps and injuries, sickness, (I almost really did die in the month of February) What with my liver going on strike and {Captain, we're taken in water into the bowels of the engine room at this point faster than we can pump it out.)
Those sleeping pills my doctor gave me makes you think you were there. There was a a a wet bag of cement controlling your brain. You know. The usuial mayheem. Furnature crashing the stillness and quiet of what I thouught was a safe place to plant myself. Next time I won't use so much potting soil. Or leave unopened cans of shaving cream too close to my totally handsome looks ( I'l so pretty. You got a problem with that MR. "T" will kick your asss to another planet. (Mr. "T" and I go way back when we controled all the krak sales is LA. Too bad the only krak we we're a ble to sell was Kracckey The Wonder Dog.
At any rate. When the Paulie Family gets back from Europe we/re going to play the Nation Lawn wherer the Belch Boys had their last belching extrevangza. We could make you fat and crazy. (wait a darn tooin' here. You already are fat and crazy)

The Blood & Bath Movie Review

2006-12-14T16:31:00.000-08:00

Slither (2006, USA)

Directed by James Gunn

Normally I only review movies that I own on DVD, but I came across this little gem last night on my On Demand channel. It turned out to be the best $3.99 investment I’ve made all year. This movie should not be confused with the movie of the same name from 1973 that starred James Caan, Peter Boyle (RIP), and Sally Kellerman. No this movie is way different.

Slither is the directorial debut of James Gunn, who was the screenwriter for such fine films as Tromeo And Juliet (a Troma Entertainment production); and the 2004 remake of Dawn Of The Dead. This experience has really paid off. James Gunn has taken elements of such classic movies as The Blob, Night Of The Living Dead, Alien, and The Thing and blended them all together into one fine action packed extravaganza.

The plot is fairly simple. A meteor crashes to Earth in the woods near the small country town of Wheelsy, South Carolina. An odd looking maggot-like creature comes out of it. A guy named Grant comes along and pokes it with a stick. The maggot shoots him in the stomach and that’s when the trouble starts.

Pretty soon Grant develops a really bad skin condition, as well as a couple of nifty tentacles that protrude from his stomach, and a serious craving for meat. Pretty soon dogs, cats, cows, horses and everything in between start coming up missing including the woman that Grant was sneaking around with when his wife wasn’t in the mood for sex. Not long after that the cops show up looking for Grant and his wife, Starla, becomes suspicious.

Pretty soon Starla discovers there’s a whole lot more to the story than the cops realize and a posse is formed to hunt Grant down. A trap is set. Grant shows up. Well it’s not really Grant anymore because Grant by now has turned into a sort of giant combination slug/squid like thingy. Grant gets away. The cops find the missing woman that Grant was fooling around with, and that’s when the fun really starts.

This movie has everything (well except for gratuitous nudity): Alien slugs, icky looking monsters, zombies, cannibalism, over-the-top acting (the foul mouthed mayor especially), blood and gore galore, and it all comes together perfectly to create what can almost be described as a Troma movie with a much better budget. This is one movie that will gladly purchase on DVD.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

Bloodsucking Freaks (1975, USA)

Directed by Joel Reed

This movie is also known as The Incredible Torture Show (TITS). If you’re looking to break up with your girlfriend or divorce your wife, just watch this movie with her. You have to be pretty demented to enjoy this movie, and I enjoyed every minute of it. Women will find this movie extremely misogynistic, and men will enjoy it for the same reason.

This movie is about a guy named Sardu, who with the help of his midget assistant put on a show of torture in your local New York theater. What the theater audience doesn’t know if that they are witnessing real acts of torture being inflicted on kidnapped women. Eventually Sardu kidnaps a world renowned ballerina and a popular theater critic and forces them to perform.

Interspersed within all of this are some truly demented scenes such as the human dartboard scene (my favorite scene in the whole movie), the midget gets a blowjob from a severed head scene, the brain sucking scene, the penis sandwich scene, and a cage full of naked women who’ve all gone insane.

But of course, like all good things, the fun doesn’t last and eventually the naked women escape and exact their terrible revenge on their captors. And did I mention that this movie is actually a comedy? Oh sure, the average person probably won’t think it’s all that funny, but for those of us who know how to say “It’s only a movie!” this movie is quite a treat.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

Bloodsucking Pharaohs In Pittsburgh (1991, USA)

Directed by Dean Tschetter

This is my all-time favorite movie next to Psychos In Love, however, Psychos In Love is not available on DVD.

Bloodsucking Pharaohs In Pittsburgh, with a name like that how can you go wrong? This movie has everything, except for pharaohs oddly enough, but it does have lots of blood (not really much gore), a fez wearing killer, a roller skating waitress, an ass kicking meter maid with hiccoughs, two cops (one of which can’t stand the sight of blood), and a woman that struggles with her addiction to nicotine.

The plot? Well let’s see… A fez wearing killer is going around killing people with a wonderful assortment of power tools including an electric hedge trimmer, a shop vacuum, well you get the picture. The killer is also collecting body parts for a reason that’s never really explained. Hot on the trail of the killer are two cops, one of them knows all of the victims and can’t stand the sight of blood; the other one is married to a woman that can’t stop smoking.

The two cops are inadvertently joined by a meter maid with a chronic case of the hiccoughs, and together they set out to the Egyptian District, which I’m sure anybody from Pittsburgh is familiar with. There they follow the clues which lead them to the killer’s hideout for the exciting showdown.

Okay, the acting isn’t especially great and neither are the special effects, but the pure campy humor and the wonderful scenes of Irma at the Stop Smoking Clinic really put this movie over the top. I can’t watch this movie enough times.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

The Blood & Bath CD Review

2006-12-13T12:33:00.000-08:00

Review of Fuzz For The Holidays by Davie Allan & The Arrows

Okay folks, as you all know I’m a sworn enemy of spam and people on soapboxes; however, there’s a nearly forgotten legendary guitar genius out there that’s having a hard time getting well deserved marketing for his newest CD. I am of course talking about Davie Allan & The Arrows and their CD, Fuzz For The Holidays.

If you’ve never heard of Davie Allan then it’s time for all of you to wake up and hear the fuzz. Davie Allan’s guitar playing can best be described as a blend of Link Wray, Dick Dale, and Jimi Hendrix all rolled up into one smokin’ fuzz drenched joint.

Released back in 2004, Fuzz For The Holidays has never received the proper marketing it deserves. The CD was produced by Little Steven (of Little Steven’s Underground Garage fame), but unfortunately Little Steven has been jerking Davie Allan around for a couple of years now and I’ve decided to come to Davie’s rescue because I know all of you out there know that I don’t listen to just any crap that gets put on a CD.

By now you’re all probably thinking “Wait a minute, Tracy hates Christmas, Christmas music, and well pretty much everything in general. Why all of a sudden is he trying to push this on us?” Well folks, here’s the story…

Davie Allan & The Arrows started out way back in 1964. You know all those really awful biker movies that were done back in the ‘60s? Well chances are that’s Davie Allan & The Arrows you hear playing in the background. His music has been used in the soundtracks to nearly two dozen movies. Their more recent CDs include The Arrow Dynamic Sounds Of Davie Allan & The Arrows; Fuzz Fest; Loud, Loose, And Savage; Live Run; Restless In L.A.; and an anthology of all their music from the ‘60s. The music is some of the most hard driving, energetic sounds I’ve ever heard.

But how could a band like that release a CD of Christmas music? Well let me tell you folks, Fuzz For The Holidays is the perfect CD for anybody that absolutely HATES Christmas music. Davie Allan has taken all those holiday classics and put the FUN back into them! And none of that annoying singing either, this CD is all super charged, energetic, balls to the walls instrumental and it absolutely kicks ass!

Trust me on this one folks, BUY THIS CD!!! You will not be sorry! Fuzz For The Holidays is supposed to be available in all Best Buy stores around the country in the Little Steven’s Underground Garage section, but reports have been coming in that many of the Best Buy stores either don’t have it, or the employees don’t know their asses from their elbows and shouldn’t even be employed in the first place.

If you can’t find Fuzz For The Holidays at Best Buy then Davie Allan can do you one better. Just go to his web page at http://www.davieallan.com/ and you can buy many of Davie’s CDs directly from there. And Davie Allan personally autographs every CD sold from his web page. He also promptly answers his e-mails. Davie Allan & The Arrows are a class act, and if you happen to be in a band or think you can call yourself a musician, then you need to hear the music of Davie Allan & The Arrows; you will be humbled.

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

RFU 8-06

2006-11-28T16:18:00.000-08:00

RFU 8-06 Copyright 11/06 by McCall/Zimmon/Gallagher/Sears

Disclaimer: The following program contains material that is guaranteed to offend somebody somewhere. Reader discretion is advised.

Theme Music: They’re not in tune with nature
They’re not in tune with Zen
We thought they finally went away
But now they’re back again
So now for all you folks out there
Who do not have a clue
Here now is Piston McCauffey
The host of RFU…

Piston: Radio Free Urine is on the air! Hello to all you folks out there in radio land, this is your old friend, Piston McCauffey, coming to you from the big building with the statue of naked people out front.

Well despite arriving three months late at Max Jagermeister's cornfield in Trufant, Michigan for the Woodcock Festival, an estimated 30-35 hard core Paulieheads were treated to the first live performance by The Paulie Family since the ill-fated Trailer Parks, Whorehouses, and Donkey Bars tour of 2004.

And what a performance it was as the band performed all of their fan favorites such as When I Throw Up To Be A Man, Crop Circle, I Smoke, Northeast Portland Sunday; Barf, Barf, Barf; Plastic Fantastic Whoopie Cushion, Olives In The Shower Drain, No More Trees To Whiz On, Cesspool 61, Stumblin’ Drunk, Whiz And Let Dry, Sweaty Betty, There is A Full Beer, Octopus’ Outhouse, Hey Bull Dyke, Toilet In The Sky, I Didn’t Vomit In Your Rose Garden, Mama Don’t Make Me Pee Sitting Down, and All My Urine before coming back out for an encore and performing their newest song. Speaking of which, let’s take a look at this week’s Top 10 Pillboard Chart:

1. Rudolph The Big Schlonged Reindeer by The Paulie Family
2. Suzy Spew by Credence Beerwater Regurgitation
3. Welcome To The Latrine by Stink Floyd
4. If You’re Blowing In San Francisco (Be Sure To Wear Boogers In Your Hair) by Snot McKenzie
5. Valium by The Junkees
6. El Gaso by Farty Robbins
7. Logs Roll (Where My Rosemary Goes) by Edison Outhouse
8. Happy Crack by The Pooh
9. No More Beers by Wizzy Wizbourne
10. Blow Jimmy by The Grateful Head

And that’s right folks, The Paulie Family is back with another #1 song, and let’s listen to it now…

Music: Rudolph The Big Schlonged Reindeer (Sung to the tune of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer by Gene Autry)

Rudolph the big schlonged reindeer
Had a really great big schlong
And if you ever saw it
You would say it’s three feet long.

All of the other reindeer
Were insecure and nervous wrecks
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer sex.

Then one soggy Christmas Eve Santa came to say
“Rudolph with your schlong so big
Make me squeal like a pig.”

Then all the reindeer loved him
As they shouted their applause
“Rudolph the big schlonged reindeer
You poopchuted Santa Claus!”

Piston: And there you have it folks, the new number one song by The Paulie Family getting us all jazzed up for the Christmas season! Well as you all know by now, The Paulie Family is currently on the Scottish leg of their tour. So let’s go now to our On-The- Spot Reporter, Anita Bier. Come in, Anita Bier…

Anita: Piston I’m here now in Edinburgh, Scotland with Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon. Paul, I can’t help noticing that you’re sporting a new look.

(For those of you listening at home, Paul is wearing a Sergeant Pooper’s Lonely Farts Club Band uniform, just like The Dung Beetles, and his hair has gone from the Roy Orifice look to the Moe Howard look.)

Paul: That’s right, I decided that since the idea of changing my name failed so miserably that I’d take it out on the rest of the band by forcing them to wear uniforms and changing their hairstyles to look like Moe Howard.

Anita: And how is the rest of the band taking this?

Paul: Oh they’re all for the new look, yessiree, everybody’s behind me on this one for once.

Anita: Even Tracy?

Paul: Well he wasn’t exactly at the meeting when we voted on it.

Anita: What do you mean he wasn’t exactly at the meeting?

Paul: Well he was busy bailing Enos McPenis out of jail.

Anita: But isn’t Edinburgh Enos’ home town?

Paul: Well yeah, but apparently there’s a very good reason why they nicknamed him “The Mad Flasher of Edinburgh”, and they still had a warrant out for him.

Anita: So Enos wasn’t at the meeting either?

Paul: No.

Anita: So he didn’t get to vote either?

Paul: No.

Anita: So who all was at the meeting?

Paul: Just me actually.

Anita: You were the only one at the meeting?

Paul: Hey, I posted a memo about it…

(It just so happens that Paul and Anita are standing outside of a barber shop, and The Brass Bras have just exited sporting their new uniforms and Moe Howard haircuts.)

Paul: Ah, here they are now! Well, what do you think?

Anita: Aren’t those the same uniforms that The Dung Beetles wore on the Sergeant Pooper’s Lonely Farts Club Band album?

(The Brass Bras give Paul a dirty look.)

Raisin: YOU MEAN WE GOT THESE STUPID HAIRCUTS FOR NOTHING???!!!

Helena & AB: YOU BASTARD!!!

(Paul pulls off his new uniform coat, throws it to the ground and begins stomping up and down on it.)

Paul: GODDAMNIT, WHY ARE PEOPLE ALWAYS STEALING MY IDEAS???!!!

(Tracy and Tim come walking up, both wearing their new uniforms and looking very disgruntled. They both pull off their hats to reveal their ever receding hairlines.)

Tracy: AND JUST HOW IN THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO MAKE OUR HAIR LOOK LIKE MOE HOWARD???!!! Oh sure, Larry Fine maybe… BUT MOE HOWARD???!!!

(Before Paul has a chance to respond to anyone, Enos walks up wearing his new uniform.)

Enos: Hey Paul, great idea on the uniforms! I just love the long coats!

(Enos opens his new uniform coat and reveals exactly why he earned the nickname “The Mad Flasher Of Edinburgh”. A woman pushing a baby stroller witnesses the scene and begins screaming for the police.)

Enos: Whoops, I think I’d better be going… Ah, it’s great to be back home!

(Tracy gives Paul an angry look.)

Tracy: AND YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING???!!! IF HE GETS ARRESTED AGAIN YOU’RE PAYING TO BAIL HIM OUT!!!

Paul: JUST A DARN TOOTIN’ MINUTE!!! WHO DIED AND LEFT YOU IN CHARGE???!!!

Tracy: YOU DID TWO YEARS AGO, DON’T YOU REMEMBER???!!!

Paul: NO I DON’T REMEMBER, AND ANYWAY I’M NOT DEAD ANYMORE SO I’M IN CHARGE!!!

(The Brass Bras now give Paul an angry look.)

Raisin: Wait a minute, you said Tracy was in charge and these stupid uniforms and haircuts were his idea!

Helena & AB: Yeah!

(Tim, not wanting to see Paul lynched by his own band, decides to step in.)

Tim: Okay now, let’s all calm down. We have a show to do tonight and we…

Tracy: Shut up and go manage the roads fatso!

(Tim is completely caught off guard because he’s plainly skinnier than Tracy. But rather than try to match wits with Tracy he decides that maybe Paul getting lynched by his own band isn’t such a bad idea after all. Meanwhile, the sound of sirens, police whistles, dogs barking, and gunfire can be heard as Enos comes charging around the corner, his uniform coat still unbuttoned and his Uncle Jimmy and the twins waving in the breeze.)

Enos: I think we’d better be off to the show now!

Tim: But the show doesn’t start for another four hours.

Enos: In that case, I’ll be in the bus!

(Enos cuts around the corner and heads off in the direction of the tour bus up the street just as several burly looking policemen with guns drawn and a pack of angry German Shepherds comes around the corner. They see everybody wearing the same uniforms as Enos.)

Cop: Pardon me, have any of you seen a bloke with the same kind of uniform as yours but nothing on underneath come by this way?

Tracy: Uuuuuuuh… No.

Cop: Oh bloody hell!

(The cops, guns, and dogs all take off in a different direction.)

Paul: Whew, that was close! Well now that that’s all over…

Raisin: Just a minute, you lied to us and we got these stupid haircuts because of it!

Helena & AB: Yeah!

(The Brass Bras begin pummeling Paul to the ground just as JD comes walking out of the barber shop in his new uniform and haircut. Oddly enough, he actually looks good that way.)

JD: Hey Paul, great idea on the uniforms and haircuts. I feel like a new man!

(Paul doesn’t answer as he’s busy guarding his groin. JD, seeing The Brass Bras with their new uniforms and haircuts, and always having had a thing for Raisin, decides to pay them a compliment.)

JD: Ladies, why don’t I take you all on a sight seeing tour?

(Raisin, seeing that JD isn’t guarding his groin, and having never liked JD since the first time they met because he laughed at her name, delivers a well placed knee to JD’s groin.)

Raisin: Why don’t you just watch the stars come out… BY YOURSELF!!!

(Meanwhile, Tracy and Tim, neither of which were too hip on the idea of wearing uniforms in the first place, remove their coats and toss them into the nearby alley where they’re soon retrieved by the local homeless people.)

Tracy: There, now I feel better. How about you?

Tim: What if he’d made us wear Moe Howard wigs?

Tracy: I suppose we could’ve always set him on fire.

(Meanwhile, Anita Bier is still standing by.)

Anita: Tracy, what are your thoughts on the current tour?

Tracy: That reminds me…

(Tracy turns to Tim.)

Tracy: HOW COULD YOU SCHEDULE A SHOW IN SCOTLAND WHEN ENOS IS STILL WANTED HERE FOR INDECENT EXPOSURE???!!!

Tim: Well I thought it was all part of the act, y’know, everybody has a funny nickname and all that.

Tracy: I’ll tell you one more time… WE’RE NOT ACTORS!!!

Anita: So where will the next stop be on the tour?

Tracy: Beats me… Tell her where the next show is going to be, Tim.

Tim: Paris, France at the beautiful Palais Omnisports, near the…

Tracy: PARIS, FRANCE???!!! ARE YOU CRAZY???!!! DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME WE WERE IN FRANCE???!!!

Tim: No.

Tracy: Didn’t I tell you to read the Lost Episodes?

Tim: Yes.

Tracy: And?

Tim: I couldn’t find them.

(There is now a flashback sequence to the ill-fated European Tour of 2000. The scene takes us to a hospital room in Paris, France where we find Paul in a hospital bed wearing a body cast and answering a question from Anita Bier…)

Paul: And then they asked me if I wanted a catheter, well I thought they were offering me a shot of the local brandy or cognac so I said “Sure, make it a double...”

(We now return to the present.)

Anita: So does this mean the band won’t be performing in France?

Tracy: NO!!!

Tim: No problem, I’ll cancel that show we’ll go straight to Berlin, Germany.

Tracy: Why Berlin?

Tim: Because I’m the Road Manager, and I’ve always wanted to make the Autobahn more shiny and manageable.

(Meanwhile, The Brass Bras have finished beating Paul to a pulp and have headed back to the tour bus. Paul lies bruised and bleeding next to JD, who is still holding his swollen scrotum.)

JD: My balls hurt!

Paul: Serves you right for e-mailing me all that kiddie porn!

JD: What are you talking about? She had a moustache.

Paul: She was Jewish you idiot! They all have moustaches by that age!

Anita: Well there you have it, Piston. The Paulie Family is playing in Edinburgh tonight, and then it’s on to Berlin! Back to you.

Piston: Thank you, Anita Bier! Well folks, it looks like that’s all the time we have for today’s show, so be sure to join us here again next time for Radio Free Urine!

THE END

Credits: Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter
Attorney at Log

Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon
Band Leader, Lead and Rhythm Guitars,
Script Ideas.

Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher
Road Manager, Script Ideas.

JD (Don’t Know What The D Stands For) Sears
Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, Conga Player,
Script Ideas.

Also appearing were Enos (The Mad Flasher of Edinburgh) McPenis and The Brass Bras (Raisin Blisters, Anita Bonghit, and Helena Bucket).

The Paulie Family

2006-11-28T01:08:00.000-08:00

The Paulie Family
Let me tell you this Davy Jones. Nobody ever loans money to a man with a sence of humor.

The Paulie Family

2006-11-21T21:55:00.000-08:00

The Paulie Family

This is to wish all of you food poisoning on Thanksgiving. And may everybody develop bed sores even if you're not in bed.

The Paulie Family

2006-11-11T16:04:00.000-08:00

A memo from the Head Hauncho.

As the band leader (and the only one who actually plays a musical instrument) I am deciding to spruce up our on stage appearance. From now on the band will wear uniforms and cut their hair like Moe Howard. These uniforms will include colarless sporty type coats, weird looking boots with pointy toes and matching pants with marine corp type stripes going down the side. And if you all must enhance yourselves by putting socks in your underpants at least put them in the front. Otherwise it'll just look like you've taken a dump in your pants (Tracy, that was a sock wasn't it? Or did you really shit your pants. I knew there was something in the air I just couldn't place my finger on---this is getting gross).

All right now. WAIT A SECOND HERE. I've just been informed that some other band from England already did that uniform, Moe Howard haircut thing. Shit. Now I'll have to think of something else. Hey Tracy. Any ideas?

Cards and Letters to the Editor

2006-11-09T11:24:00.000-08:00

Cards and Letters to the Editor

Mr. Joshua Tree of Joshua Tree, California wrote in to ask:

“Dear Editor,

My favorite member of The Paulie Family is Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall, how can I become more like him?

Sincerely,

Joshua”

Editor’s Reply:

Well Joshua, it’s not easy being Tracy. You have to have a very rigid set of moral values that you’ll never back away from. Let’s give you a little test. I’m going to give you a scenario and a choice of options in dealing with the situation. The rest of you readers can feel free to play along. Now then, here is the scenario…

You’re riding on public transportation and it’s really crowded. A young attractive woman gets on board carrying a screaming baby. The fat woman sitting next to you gets up, so that she’s no longer pinning you against the window like an air bag from the glove compartment of a 1988 Buick Regal, and now you’re once again able to breathe, however, the sound of the screaming baby is no longer muffled.

The fat woman offers the seat to the young attractive woman and her screaming baby. The young attractive woman sits down and wants to get her baby a bottle to quiet the baby down, but she has her arms full. She holds the baby out to you and asks you if you’ll mind holding it for a minute while she gets the baby’s bottle out. You reply back with:

A. Why I’d be delighted! My, what a little cutie she is, is she you’re first?

Or;

B. Certainly, they can be quite a handful at this age, can’t they?

Or;

C. GET THAT DAMN THING AWAY FROM ME!!!

Okay, pencils down! Now then Joshua, let’s see how you did… If you answered A or B, then I’m sorry, but you’re way too big a wuss to even begin to try being like Tracy. You see Joshua, there are already 6.555 billion people on this planet, and being nice to people who only make things worse by having children just doesn’t fall into the category of logical thinking.

On the other hand, if you answered C then congratulations! You’re already well on the way to becoming more like Tracy. You take a firm stand against the sort of people who complain about smoking in public buildings while they bring their whiny-ass kids into the nice quiet restaurant where you’re trying to enjoy a nice quiet meal.

Thank you for your letter.

Sincerely,

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

The Blood & Bath Concert Review

2006-09-18T13:20:00.000-07:00

The Blood & Bath Concert Review

Robin Trower at the Roseland Theater 9/16/06

It was a packed house at the Roseland Theater last Saturday night for the legendary Robin Trower. I gotta tell you folks, there’s nothing like the sound of a true master with a Fender Strat in his hands and a twin stack of Marshalls behind him. The biggest difference between seeing him this time and two years ago is that he’s hired a lead singer to do all the vocals so he can concentrate on what he does best, which is play guitar.

And play guitar he did, but there’s a huge difference in the way Robin Trower plays compared to a lot of other guitarists. Oh sure he can play loud, but he didn’t play so loud that it left you with a headache. Oh sure he can play fast when he wants to, but with Robin Trower that isn’t always necessary. Instead, he plays in a very controlled and subtle way, but with absolute precision and authority.

After the first few songs he finally tore into his big hits: Day Of The Eagle, Bridge Of Sighs, and I’m Too Rolling Stoned. A couple of years ago I was reading a lot of critics reviews that he’d been playing shortened versions of his extended jam songs, but not this time. He played the full meal deals. Although the set only lasted about an hour, he came back out and played a two song encore that finished up with a beautiful rendition of Spellbound. No complaints here. I left very happy.

The guy doing the lead vocals wasn’t especially great, but he was adequate. Robin Trower was very polite and appreciative toward the audience, and the audience was more than enthusiastic in returning the compliments. One thing that I have to add – Robin Trower is one of those guitar players that makes a whole lot of facial contortions when he’s playing. It’s sort of like he placed a whole lemon, peel and all, into his mouth and then spent an hour or so trying to chew it up and swallow it. It’s really a sight to behold. Nevertheless, it was a fine show and I highly recommend that anybody who hasn’t seen him live before get out there and see him before he gets too old and stops touring.

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

Ask Log

2006-08-21T15:18:00.000-07:00

Andy J writes in and asks:

Dear Log, can you place your brown eye over this and pass comment.

Dear Andy,

I AM LOG!!! There’s that old saying “A turd in the hand is worth poo in the bush.” However, according to the headline “Bush is crap”, this would mean that Bush is actually the poo that is worth the turd in the hand. This is not a good thing because you should never take the log into your own hands.

Unfortunately the photo didn't copy over and the rest of the text is too small to read, but I assume it’s about a bunch of people that all agree with the headline, which doesn’t leave a whole lot of room for humorous speculation. Folks, you see what happens when you bring your own props on the show?

I AM LOG!!! Don’t tread on me.

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

RFU 7-06

2006-08-18T15:43:00.000-07:00

RFU 7-06 Copyright 8/06 by McCall/Zimmon/Gallagher/Sears

Disclaimer: The following program contains material that is guaranteed to offend somebody somewhere. Reader discretion is advised.

Theme Music: They’re not in tune with nature
They’re not in tune with Zen
We thought they finally went away
But now they’re back again
So now for all you folks out there
Who do not have a clue
Here now is Piston McCauffey
The host of RFU…

Piston: Radio Free Urine is on the air! Hello to all you folks out there in radio land, this is your old friend, Piston McCauffey, coming to you from the big building with the statue of naked people out front.

Well you’ll all recall last time when the entire City of Portland Bomb Squad along with a couple of drug sniffing dogs became lost inside of the vast interior of the Paulie Family Tour Bus. All search efforts were called off after a search team, which included a dozen or so Eagle Scouts; an entire company of Oregon National Guardsmen; and two rescue helicopters also went missing inside the bus.

Accusations by both the Mayor of Portland, Tom Potter; and Oregon Governor, Ted Kulongoski; of The Paulie Family harboring the Bermuda Triangle inside their tour bus have once again put The Paulie Family in the public spotlight.

Undaunted, The Paulie Family has once again been hard at work in the recording studio. Speaking of which, let’s take a look at this week’s Top 10 Pillboard Chart:

1. All My Urine by The Paulie Family
2. Let My Log Open The Door by Excrete Townsend
3. We Still Stink by INSTYNC
4. Yellow River by Pistie
5. Gastrointestinal Overbelch by Stink Floyd
6. Hold Back The Water by Logman-Turder Overflush
7. Let The Four Winds Blow by Farts Domino
8. Cum And Stay With Me by Marianne Facefull
9. Stool For The City by Loghat
10. Sick As A Brick by Jethro Up

And that’s right folks, The Paulie Family is back with another #1 song, and let’s listen to it now…

Music: All My Urine (Sung to the tune of All My Loving by The Beatles)

Close your eyes and I'll drench you
You sick little wench you
Remember my aim will be true
And then while I'm away
I'll fill one jar each day
And I'll send all my urine to you.

I'll pretend that I'm pissing
On lips I'm not kissing
You'll gargle my bodily brew
And then while I'm away
I'll fill one jar each day
And I'll send all my urine to you.

All my urine I will send to you
All my urine with its golden hue.

Close your eyes and I'll drench you
You sick little wench you
Remember my aim will be true
And then while I'm away
I'll fill one jar each day
And I'll send all my urine to you.

All my urine I will send to you
All my urine with its golden hue
All my urine
All my urine
All my urine I will send to you.

And there you have it folks, the new number one song by The Paulie Family written by that ultimately undaunted and ubiquitous ultraliberal of uncouth urine eulogies, Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall! And here in the studio now are none other than Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon and Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall!

(Paul and Tracy enter the studio. Oddly enough, they’re not yelling at each other today.)

Piston: Well Paul…

Paul: Hold it right there! I’ve changed my name!

(Even Tracy looks surprised at this news.)

Piston: You’re changing your name, but why?

Paul: ‘Cos I need a little more pizzazz in my life! So from now on I want to be called Flash Satellite! What do you think about that?

Piston: So will this be like a nickname then?

Paul: No, I still refuse to have a nickname. I’m just changing my name to Flash Satellite, that’s all.

(Paul turns to Tracy.)

Paul: You’re the Attorney at Log; take care of the paperwork!

Tracy: You do realize that everybody is going to call you Flush instead of Flash, don’t you?

Paul: Whoooooooooaaa… Hold on a minute! Let’s make it Dish Satellite instead!

Tracy: Dish Satellite, huh? Okay, I’ll get the paperwork started…

Piston: Well then Flush… I mean Flash… I mean…

Paul: DISH!!! IT’S DISH SATELLITE, YOU IDIOT!!!

Tracy: I need to use the phone.

(Tracy grabs Piston’s phone and begins pushing buttons.)

Piston: So uh, Dish… Wow, this is really hard to get use to…

Paul: What’s so hard about it?

(Paul, I mean Dish, looks up at the ceiling and holds his arms out, imagining his new name in lights.)

Paul: Dish Satellite… Aaaah I can see it now!

(Meanwhile Tracy is still on the phone.)

Tracy: Hello Dish?

Paul: What?

(Tracy turns to the artist formerly known as Paul.)

Tracy: Not you.

Paul: Then who are you talking to?

Tracy: My secretary, Dish.

(Tracy turns back to the phone.)

Tracy: Yeah Dish? I need you to prepare a Change of Name Form.

Paul: Wait a minute, you never told me you had a secretary!

Tracy: Hold on a second…

(Tracy turns back to Dish.)

Tracy: You never asked.

(Tracy turns back to the phone.)

Tracy: That’s right, a Change of Name Form for Paul. He’s changing his name to Dish Satellite… What’s that? That’s right, same as your name.

Paul: How come I don’t have a secretary?

(Tracy turns back to Dish.)

Tracy: Because nobody ever listens to you.

(Tracy turns back to the phone.)

Paul: What do you mean nobody ever listens to me?

(Tracy turns back to Dish.)

Tracy: What?

Paul: I SAID WHAT DO YOU MEAN NOBODY EVER LISTENS TO ME???!!!

(Tracy has already turned back to the phone and isn’t listening to Dish.)

Paul: I SAID!!!... Wait a minute, your secretary’s name is Dish Satellite?

(Tracy turns back to the artist soon to be known as Paul again.)

Tracy: No, her name is Dish Towel.

Paul: NOPE!!! THAT’S IT!!! FORGET IT!!! NEVERMIND!!! CANCEL THE WHOLE THING!!!

(Tracy turns to the phone again.)

Tracy: Yeah, Dish? Hold the Change of Name Form. I’ll get back to you on that.

(Tracy hangs up the phone and turns to Paul.)

Tracy: Okay, what’s wrong with the name Dish?

Paul: I don’t want a woman’s name!

Tracy: Why not? I got stuck with a woman’s name.

Paul: Yeah, and look what it did to you!

Tracy: Lot’s of famous men have feminine names… Look at Alice Pooper.

Paul: LOOK, I SAID FORGET IT… OKAY???!!!

(Meanwhile Piston, who’s been totally enthralled by the conversation finally joins back into it.)

Piston: How ‘bout instead of Dish Satellite you call yourself On Demand?

Tracy: Yeah, or maybe Basic Cable?

(Paul, seeing where the conversation is going decides to get away while he still can.)

Paul: You guys always ruin everything for me… SCREW YOU!!!

(Paul storms out of the studio.)

Piston: So Tracy, what about this Bermuda Triangle accusation from the Mayor and Governor?

Tracy: That’s absurd; I’ve never even been to Bermuda.

(Paul storms back into the studio.)

Paul: AND IF ANYBODY’S INTERESTED THE ONLY TRIANGLES I EVER SAW IN BERMUDA WERE ON THE NUDE BEACH!!!

(Paul storms back out of the studio. Both Tracy and Piston shudder at the though of Paul on a nude beach.)

Piston: Well then, I guess that settles that. So Tracy, what about the fate of all those missing people inside the tour bus?

Tracy: Well look at the bright side, those National Guardsmen won’t get sent to Iraq now will they? So really they’re all in a better place now.

Piston: You make it sound like they’re all dead.

Tracy: Well would you rather be dead in a bus or in the middle of a desert?

(Piston ponders the question but can’t decide which is the better place to die, so he decides to change the subject.)

Piston: So what’s next for The Paulie Family?

(The phone rings. It’s Tim.)

Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!

Tim: Hey, why isn’t band in Michigan yet?

Tracy: Why would we be in Michigan?

Tim: Don’t you remember? I got us a booking in Max Jagermeister's cornfield in Trufant, Michigan. It’s the Woodcock Festival.

Tracy: When is it supposed to start?

Tim: Memorial Day weekend.

Tracy: But that’s over nine months away.

Tim: No, actually it was 12 weeks ago. The crowd is really getting restless.

Tracy: You mean a crowd has been waiting for us in Michigan for 12 weeks?

Tim: Yeah, they’re really dedicated fans.

Tracy: I just have one question.

Tim: What?

Tracy: WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU SAY SOMETHING SOONER???!!!

Tim: I left a memo about it on the bulletin board.

Tracy: What bulletin board?

Tim: The bulletin board above the wastepaper basket.

Tracy: What wastepaper basket?

Tim: The wastepaper basket that’s always full of all my crumpled up memos because nobody reads them.

Tracy: Well you should write more interesting memos!

Tim: I have been writing more interesting memos; I left a memo about it on the bulletin board.

(Tracy stops for a moment as he realizes that he’s just had his own classic Memo Routine used on him, which is really odd because Tim has never heard the classic Memo Routine. Rather than dwell any futher on it Tracy decides to take action.)

Tracy: Okay tell the crowd we’ll be there in a couple of days.

Tim: But the concession stands are out of food, and the Port-A-Potties are overflowing, and it’s starting to rain.

Tracy: How many people are there?

Tim: Oh about 30 or 40.

Tracy: 30 or 40 thousand?

Tim: No, just 30 or 40. There were almost 50 but some people got tired of waiting.

Tracy: Okay, well just tell them we’re on our way.

Tim: Well okay, but…

(Tracy hangs up on Tim.)

Piston: Wow, this certainly is an interesting development!

Tracy: I’ll say, 30 or 40 people, that’s bigger than the crowd that showed up at the opening of Cesspool 61.

(JD walks into the studio.)

JD: Hey, have you guys seen Flush?

Tracy: Well sort of.

JD: What do you mean?

Tracy: Well he was here but then he changed his name to Dish.

JD: Isn’t that your secretary’s name?

Tracy: How do you know my secretary?

JD: Well I don’t really have anything to do as Flush’s Spiritual Advisor so I just sort of shmooz around a lot.

(The phone rings. It’s Paul.)

Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!

Paul: FLASH YOU ASSHOLE, IT WAS FLASH!!!

JD: I thought you changed it to Dish.

Paul: NO!!! THAT TURNED OUT TO BE A WOMAN’S NAME!!!

JD: Maybe you could change it to Plate.

Tracy: Or Platter.

Piston: Or Saucer.

(Paul doesn’t say anything; he just hangs up.)

JD: Jeez, what’s bugging him?

Tracy: I don’t know but you’d better go find him. We have a show to do.

JD: Really? When?

Tracy: 12 weeks ago.

(Tracy walks out of the studio followed by a very puzzled JD.)

Piston: Well folks, it looks like that’s all the time we have for today’s show, so be sure to join us here again next time for Radio Free Urine!

THE END

Credits: Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter
Attorney at Log

Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon
Band Leader, Lead and Rhythm Guitars,
Script Ideas.

Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher
Road Manager, Script Ideas.

JD (Don’t Know What The D Stands For) Sears
Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, Conga Player,
Script Ideas.

The song All My Urine is dedicated to Goldie Showers and all our fans at kidtomfoolery.com.

Message to all Spammers

2006-08-15T16:40:00.000-07:00

Well thanks to all you Spammers out there Tracy has assigned me to deal with you bastards. THANKS A LOT!!! Like I really needed this freakin’ job. Oh sure, Tracy tried to be reasonable. He tried to be polite. He tried to take the time to reply to each and every one of you bungholes with patience and courtesy, and he even gave you the chance to remove your spam links.

BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You had to keep right on posting your spam links with clever little messages like “I really like the photos” and “I found your blog very informative.” WAKE UP ASSHOLES!!! NONE OF US HERE WERE BORN IN 1980!!! THERE ARE NO GODDAMN PHOTOS ANYWHERE ON THIS BLOG!!! And telling us how much you like the photos only tells us that you’re not even reading any of this; you’re just blindly posting your fake messages and attaching your freakin’ spam links like we’re not going to notice.

Oh sure, it’s theoretically possible to find some things on here informative, such as The Blood & Bath Movie Reviews and Ask Log, BUT THAT’S NO EXCUSE OR INVITATION TO POST YOUR STUPID ASS SPAM LINKS!!! If any of you cornholers took the time to actually read any of the material on this blog you’d notice that only one person has been allowed to have a spam link posted, and that’s because that person actually did a little bit of research and then took the time to title the spam link “Hemorrhoid Treatment Using Nitroglycerin.” And lo and behold the link really does take you to a web site that promotes this wonderful new breakthrough in science. NOW THAT’S SPAM WORTH POSTING!!! NOBODY HERE IS INTERESTED IN BIBLE SALES, TRAVEL BROCHURES, YARD AND GARDEN EQUIPMENT, KIDDIE PORN, OR INTERNET PHARMACIES THAT ONLY SELL DRUGS THAT DON’T ACTUALLY GET YOU HIGH, AND WE’RE SURE AS HELL NOT INTERESTED IN SEEKING TREATMENT FOR ANY OF OUR DEPENDENCIES!!!

And so thanks to all of you dick breaths now I have to sit here and do nothing except watch for your stupid ass meaningless messages with your spam links cleverly slipped in because you actually think we won’t notice. And now your messages and your spam links will be deleted without any more forethought than it takes to scratch my fat hairy white Anglo-Saxon ass. THANKS A LOT YOU TURD DEVOURING PROPHYLACTICS!!!

Sincerely pissed at you and all your relatives,

Angry Bald Man

The Paulie Family

2006-08-05T01:45:00.000-07:00

The Blood & Bath Movie Review

Soul Plane,
Rating 4 thumbs up the butt.
This is a movie about a new black owned and operated airline. They have one super duper Boeing 747 jumbo jet with custom appointments. Some of the appointments include a barf purple paint job, low rider wheels with hydraulic jacks (to make it jump at stop lights (err I mean at the end of the taxi way). In first class there is a dance floor, hot tub, whores, champagne, reefer (you get the picture) Business class has 1970’s style televisions all over the place and in the economy class is set up like a cross town bus with grips for those not lucky enough to get a seat.
Now, with this completely stupid idea for a movie you’re going to need a leading man who can’t act his way out of a paper bag (nobody in the film appeared to be acting anyway). Who do they get??. Who could fill shoes that big? Why Tom Arnold of course. Tom plays the part of a totally un-hip white guy traveling with his good looking wife (he divorced that fat pig he was married to after he sucked her dry). If you like big black penis jokes, this is your movie.
Your pilot is Poop Doggy Log. He had learned to fly in prison. (in a simulator) not getting any actual flight time. This becomes apparent when the plane takes off and we discover that Poop is afraid of heights. After a 5 minute screaming terror secession, Poop settles down with a spiff of ganja and a bag of mushrooms. More on that later.
The rest of the movie is a bunch of stupid situations happening to the passengers. The best part is when Tom Arnold is taking a dump and pinches a huge log. As the log hit’s the bottom of the toilet they show the plane diving 2,000 feet and regaining altitude when a flush sound is spliced in. Pretty deep stuff.
Then Poop Doggy Log accidentally eats a poison mushroom freaks out and slumps over dead. Panic sets in as they try to find the co pilot who is getting a blow job in the 1st class hot tub. He steps out of the hot tub and promptly falls on his head knocking him out cold. Now they have to find an idiot that can land the plane. They find one and manage to land in Central Park in New York only to find a cop who informs them they can’t park on the lawn.
This film is a must see. But wait until after you’re dead so it won’t seem like such a big waste of time.

The Blood & Bath Concert Review

2006-08-01T13:41:00.000-07:00

The Blood & Bath Concert Review

Blue Cheer at the Aladdin Theater, Thursday, 7/27/06.

Back in 1968 Blue Cheer had the unofficial designation as “The loudest band on the planet.” Fast forward about 38 years and we find the original founder, Dickie Peterson (vocals, bass guitar) at the age of 58 looking like a 90 year old Hell’s Angel. But make no mistake here folks, Dickie Peterson is NOT just another burned out rock star from the ‘60s.

Joined by the original drummer, Paul Whaley, and long time guitarist Andrew (Duck) McDonald (original guitarist Leigh Stevens left the band after their second album), Dickie Peterson walked out on stage, announced “We’re Blue Cheer, and this is what we do,” and proceeded to let loose an onslaught of sheer volume that I can only compare to a hovering Harrier Fighter Jet.

Starting off with the song Babylon from their second album they stuck to their first two albums (all of Vincibus Eruptum and half of Outsideinside) which were the band’s peak moments of talent, and they played it with no less volume and intensity than they did 38 years ago. Through the entire show my sternum shook with every bass note, my arm hairs and hat vibrated with every guitar note, I thought my glasses were going to shatter with every beat of the drums, and this power trio band rattled my brain inside of my skull for about an hour and a half. And I loved every second of it.

If you have sensitive ears don’t even bother trying to enjoy the music of Blue Cheer, but if you’re up to the challenge and you want to see an old ‘60s band that can still live up their reputation then Blue Cheer is a must see live band. And at only $18.50 per ticket (before the service charge) you get more than your money’s worth out of Blue Cheer, unlike some other bands and artists from the ‘60s that think they’re doing you a favor by coming to your town and charging you anywhere from $60 to $150 for a lackluster performance (are you deadheads out there listening?).

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

Ask Log

2006-07-27T12:32:00.000-07:00

And now we come once again to that portion of the program we call Ask Log. Yes you heard right, Ask Log. Here you can find the answers to all of your turd-related questions. No question is too silly for Log. Log knows all and tells all, unlike a lot of religions where they give you lame answers like “You’re not supposed to know.” Our first question is from Andy J, who writes in and asks:

Dear Log,

Do you think certain religions fail because they have a poo id?

Log’s Reply:

Dear Andy J,

I AM LOG!!! How nice to hear from you again. Since the dawn of Man religions have come and gone. Many religions simply fail because they aren’t any fun. But your question deals with whether or not certain religions fail because they have a poo id. The answer quite simply is yes, but simple answers are not very entertaining, so I’ll elaborate.

As you well know the id is one of the three divisions of the psyche which is completely unconscious and is the source of psychic energy derived from instinctual needs and drives. This really screws with religions where you’re not allowed to have instinctual needs and drives like having to take a dump because they believe that God will provide for them. What they don’t seem to understand is that God has provided everybody with an anal orifice to deal with that very problem. Instead, they refuse to believe that God would have anything to do with poo-related matters, and they declare that Satan must have made them take a dump. This is also why some religions believe that Hell is located deep in the bowels of the Earth.

Then there are those religions that insist that only God can provide you with needs and drives and that instinct has nothing to do with it. But I can assure you that, with or without God, instinct will drive a turd right out through your sphincter with plenty of psychic, as well as, flatulent energy.

And so you see how certain religions are unable to accept the concept that if we were created in God’s image, then God must also have a bunghole and have to take regular daily dumps just as he designed every living thing with those very same outlets and scheduled agendas from the largest whales and elephants right down to smallest spore of yeast which eats sugar and craps out alcohol, as well as the plants and trees which eat up sunlight and carbon dioxide and crap out oxygen for us to breathe so that we can continue our bodily functions till the day we die.

Needless to say, and I really don’t need to say it, any religion that doesn’t accept these simple truths of nature are destined to fail.

I AM LOG!!! Thank you for your question.

PS. Since you’re British I have a question for you: Since Elton John was Knighted his name is now Sir Elton John, and since the spouse of a Knight is referred to as a Lady, and since Sir Elton John has married a man, would his male spouse still be referred to as a Lady?

Hey Grandpa Tracy, What's For Supper?

2006-07-21T13:52:00.000-07:00

Well now we come to that portion of the program where we stole an idea from Grandpa Jones on Hee Haw. He won’t mind because we have the same birthday. And so, the question is:

Hey Grandpa Tracy, what’s for supper?

A Seizure Salad that will leave you twitchin’
I made it fresh so quit your bitchin’
Sliced mad cow on a Kaiser Roll
And SOS in a toilet bowl.

RFU 6-06

2006-07-20T12:33:00.000-07:00

RFU 6-06 Copyright 7/06 by McCall/Zimmon/Gallagher/Sears

Disclaimer: The following program contains material that is guaranteed to offend somebody somewhere. Reader discretion is advised.

Theme Music: They’re not in tune with nature
They’re not in tune with Zen
We thought they finally went away
But now they’re back again
So now for all you folks out there
Who do not have a clue
Here now is Piston McCauffey
The host of RFU…

Piston: Radio Free Urine is on the air! Hello to all you folks out there in radio land, this is your old friend, Piston McCauffey, coming to you from the big building with the statue of naked people out front. Well the big story this week has been the courtroom drama over the lawsuit filed by The Paulie Family against Rolling Stones’ guitarist Keith Richards.

As you all know by now Paulie Family Attorney at Log, Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall, filed the suit claiming that Keith Richards had stolen Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon’s act by falling out of a palm tree, winding up in the hospital, and having a hole drilled in his head.

In an unexpected turn of events Judge Yul B. Hung threw the lawsuit out of court declaring it to be frivolous and silly. Judge Hung then declared Tracy to be in contempt of court when he repeatedly tried to object to dismissal of the lawsuit by shouting “Oh yeah? Well sez you!”

After being held for 12 consecutive days the judge evicted Tracy from the courthouse jail for staging a toilet strike. During the 12-day toilet strike Tracy refused to use the cell toilet, and instead simply crapped and whizzed through the bars much to the dismay of the guards who were ordered to keep an eye on him.

Once again free from captivity Tracy quickly got back with the rest of the band and headed straight for the recording studio to work on their newest song, speaking of which, let’s take a look at this week’s Top 10 Pillboard Chart:

1. I Didn’t Vomit In Your Rose Garden by The Paulie Family
2. Sodomy Time Blues by Blue Queer
3. We Stink by INSTYNC
4. Log ‘N Hole Fantasy by Bad Dumpany
5. Stools Out by Alice Pooper
6. Magical Mystery Sewer by The Dung Beetles
7. Hello, I’ll Charge You by The Whores
8. She’s A Bowel Mover by The Sir Dog Ass Quintet
9. Beat It by Michael Jacksoff
10. Dumper by Turd Eye Blind

And that’s right folks, The Paulie Family is back with another #1 song, and let’s listen to it now…

Music: I Didn't Vomit In Your Rose Garden (Sung to the tune of Rose Garden by Lynn Anderson)

I beg your pardon
I didn't vomit in your rose garden
I hit the grass somehow
There's gonna be a crop circle there now
'Cos when you gotta go, you just gotta go
The bathroom line was way to slow, and so
I beg your pardon
I didn't vomit in your rose garden.

I could puke in the garage all over your Dodge
But I am well aware that you just washed it
So I better think it over
I could do it on the floor with a mighty roar
Or I could barf on the fish in your aquarium
But then we'd have to bury them
So smile for awhile and hand me a bag
Or else you're gonna need a cleaning rag
Let's make this a positive experience if we can.

I beg your pardon
I didn't vomit in your rose garden
I hit the grass somehow
There's gonna be a crop circle there now.

I beg your pardon
I didn't vomit in your rose garden.

I could belch you a tune and probably clear the room
But that might freak you way out
And then you would want to leave
But before I have another heave
You better watch your step along the parapet
'Cos there won't always be someone there to pull you out
And you know what I'm talking about
So smile for awhile and let's be jolly
Before I launch another volley
Let's make this a positive experience if we can.

I beg your pardon
I didn't vomit in your rose garden
I hit the grass somehow
There's gonna be a crop circle there now.

Piston: And there you have it folks, the new number one song by The Paulie Family written by that bald but boldly brilliant baron of barf ballads, Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall!

(Piston ponders for a moment.)

Piston: Gee, I wonder how Paul reacted to the lawsuit being thrown out of court.

(The studio door bursts open and Paul and Tracy enter the studio, both are clearly upset.)

Paul: SOME ATTORNEY AT LOG YOU TURNED OUT TO BE!!!

Tracy: What are you mad about? I’m the one that spent 12 days in jail!

Paul: Yeah? Well just how am I supposed to pay for all those yachts now?!!!

Tracy: I told you didn’t need one of every color! NOBODY OWNS A PEACH COLORED YACHT!!!

Paul: OH YEAH MR. I’VE-NEVER-OWNED-A-YACHT-SO HOW-THE-HELL- WOULD-I-KNOW??? AND WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE THAT NOBODY OWNS A PEACH COLORED YACHT???!!!

Tracy: BECAUSE IT WOULD LOOK SUNBURNED, THAT’S WHY!!!

Paul: THAT’S THE DUMBEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD YOU SAY!!!

Tracy: THAT’S WHAT YOU SAID WHEN I SAID “OH YEAH? WELL SEZ YOU!” TO THE JUDGE!!!

Paul: WELL AT THAT TIME IT WAS THE DUMBEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD YOU SAY!!! BUT NOW YOU’VE SURPASSED YOURSELF!!!

Tracy: OH YEAH MR. FARTYPANTS???!!! WELL WHY DON’T YOU EXPLAIN WHY YOU NEEDED YACHTS PAINTED MAUVE AND TIEL???!!!

Paul: I DIDN’T NEED THEM; I WANTED THEM!!! AND NOW THANKS TO YOU I CAN’T PAY FOR THEM AND THEY’LL BE REPOSSESSED!!!

Tracy: Well if you had spent more time in palm trees back during your Xanax binges we would’ve won the lawsuit! BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO… NOW WE CAN’T EVEN SUE CURTIS SALGADO FOR HAVING LIVER CANCER!!!

Paul: Are you saying this is all my fault?

Tracy: I should sue you for not falling out of a tree earlier.

Paul: You can’t sue me!

Tracy: Why not?

Paul: Because you’re my Attorney at Log, it would be a conflict of interest!

Tracy: That would only be a conflict because you’re not that interesting!

(Piston decides to take a chance and interrupt.)

Piston: So, I noticed on the new song that…

Tracy & Paul: OH SHUTUP!!!

(The phone rings. It’s Ray “Gaseous” Clay, the Paulie Family Tour Bus driver.)

Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!

Ray: Hey, somebody left a weird looking box outside the tour bus; it’s addressed to Tim.

Paul: Well then give it to Tim!

Ray: He’s not here; he’s on the road. He is the Road Manager, y’know?

Paul: I’ve never seen anybody so dedicated to the highways and bi-ways of the land. Look, just put the box in Tim’s room.

Ray: I don’t know, it sure looks mighty suspicious. What if it’s a bomb?

Paul: Don’t be ridiculous, who would want to blow us up?

(Paul and Tracy look at each other and come to the same conclusion.)

Paul & Tracy: TIPPER GORE!!!

Tracy: Quick, call the Bomb Squad!

Ray: Okay.

(Ray hangs up.)

Paul: Well this is just great! Now we’re getting bombs in the mail!

Tracy: Not necessarily, it was addressed to Tim.

Paul: What difference does that make?

Tracy: It makes a huge difference in three ways: 1. Tim’s not there, so he’s out of danger; 2. We’re not there either, so we’re not in any danger either; and 3. We’re talking about the Paulie Family Tour Bus, the most indestructible piece of machinery on the planet, so what possible damage can a bomb do?

Paul: How is it you can be so damned logical one minute and the next minute you’re getting a lawsuit thrown out of court for being frivolous and silly?

(Meanwhile, Piston notices the flashing light on his console which indicates an important breaking news story.)

Piston: Sorry to interrupt you guys but we have an important breaking news story! We take you now to our on the spot reporter, Anita Bier. Come in Anita Bier!

Anita: Piston I’m here at the Paulie Family Tour Bus where the Bomb Squad is now arriving to investigate a suspicious package that’s been delivered. Here with me now is Lieutenant Yugo Boom of the Portland Bomb Squad. Lieutenant, how will the Bomb Squad diffuse this situation?

(There’s a pause as Anita chuckles at her pun… Diffuse… Bomb Squad… get it?)

Lt. Boom: Well Anita, first we’re going to have our bomb sniffing dogs check out the mystery box.

Anita: How long did it take to train these dogs?

Lt. Boom: Actually, these are drug sniffing dogs.

Anita: Why is the Bomb Squad using drug sniffing dogs?

Lt. Boom: Both of our Bomb Sniffing dogs were run over by a DEA agent that was driving under the influence of intoxicants, so he loaned us a couple of his drug sniffing dogs to help out till we get new bomb sniffing dogs.

Anita: Do you really think they’ll be of any use for finding explosives?

Lt. Boom: Well there’s only one way to find out…

(The Lieutenant gives the signal to turn the dogs loose. The dogs begin barking hysterically as they race past the mystery box and into the tour bus and are never seen again.)

Anita: Well Lieutenant, the dogs seem to have ignored the box and run into the tour bus instead, what does that mean?

Lt. Boom: It means there’s either a bomb or drugs in that tour bus! MOVE IN!!!

(The Lieutenant and the rest of the bomb squad enter the tour bus with weapons drawn in pursuit of the dogs and are never seen again, which is a shame really because this scene had so much more potential.)

Anita: Well Piston, it looks like the Bomb Squad has entered the Paulie Family tour bus, and who knows what they might find there? Back to you Piston.

Piston: Thank you, Anita Bier! Well Paul, it looks like your tour bus is being searched. Would you care to comment on that?

(Paul and Tracy look at each other. They know exactly what might be found in the tour bus.)

Paul: Well Mr. Attorney at Log… HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET US OUT OF THIS ONE???!!!

Tracy: No problem, they obviously didn’t find anything in the box, and they don’t have a search warrant for the tour bus. And even if they did have a search warrant, and even if they did find anything they’d still have to find their way back out of the tour bus.

Paul: Are you saying that we now have a bunch of dogs and cops lost inside of our tour bus?

Tracy: Don’t worry, there are plenty of places in the tour bus where lost dogs and cops can find a new home where they can start a new life and continue to grow and thrive.

Paul: I’m not so sure I like the idea of dogs and cops thriving in our tour bus!

Tracy: It’s okay, if they begin to overpopulate we can always just sell the tour bus.

(Paul, unable to find anything wrong in Tracy’s reasoning for the first time in quite awhile begins to see the logic.)

Paul: And if the tour bus gets pulled over for speeding we can just say that the cops are on board and we’re already in custody!

Tracy: Now you got it!

Paul: And we can pull people over and send the cops out to give them tickets!

Tracy: Bingo!

Paul: And when we can’t find any drugs we can just turn the dogs loose!

Tracy: Exactly!

(Paul thinks for a minute.)

Paul: THEN HOW IS IT YOU GOT MY LAWSUIT THROWN OUT OF COURT FOR BEING FRIVOLOUS AND SILLY???!!!

Tracy: You’re looking at it all wrong; you see there’s no judge on the tour bus.

(Paul has now completely lost the logical roll that he was on and is now confused once again. Fortunately, the phone rings again. This time it’s Tim.)

Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!

Tim: Could somebody please put that box in my room? I’m supposed to send it on to someone else when I’m done with it.

Paul: Sorry, you weren’t home so we forwarded the box.

Tim: Forwarded it? To where?

Paul: To the side of the road; you’re the Road Manager, remember?

Tim: But…

Paul: I gotta go; I feel like pulling somebody over!

(Paul hangs up on Tim and gets up and leaves. The phone rings again. This time it’s JD.)

Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!

JD: How come I never get any important lines to say?

Tracy: I keep telling you… If you want more lines you need to contribute more script ideas! Look… Scroll down to the closing credits, you see what it says? It says JD (Don’t Know What the D Stands For) Sears, Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, Conga Player, and SCRIPT IDEAS!!! NOW IF YOU WANT MORE LINES TO SAY THEN START CONTRIBUTING MORE IDEAS!!!

(Tracy hangs up on JD and gets up and leaves.)

Piston: Well Gee, I didn’t get a chance to mention that the new song was sung by that beautiful blond bombshell of the Brass Bras, Raisin Blisters. Oh well, that’s all the time we have for today’s show, so be sure to tune in again for Radio Free Urine!

THE END

Credits: Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log

Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon
Band Leader, Lead and Rhythm Guitars,
Script Ideas.

Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher
Road Manager, Script Ideas.

JD (Don’t Know What The D Stands For) Sears
Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, Conga Player,
Script Ideas.

Also appearing were Ray (Gaseous) Clay and Anita Bier.

The song I Didn’t Vomit In Your Rose Garden was sung by Raisin Blisters.

The Blood & Bath Movie Review

2006-07-19T15:44:00.000-07:00

Freaked (1993, USA)

Directed by Alex Winter & Tom Stern

Now this turned out to be a fun little movie. Everything about this movie is absurd and it all falls together perfectly to create a fast paced visual extravaganza. Okay, there are no real freaks in this movie, but the fake freaks are freaky nonetheless.

The main character, a sitcom actor named Ricky Coogin (played by Alex Winter) is enlisted as the official spokesman for the Everything Except Shoes Corporation and is sent to South America to downplay the media uproar over a substance called Zygrot-27. Ricky and his friends take a detour and wind up at an amusement park run by Elijah C. Skuggs (played by Randy Quaid) who takes great pride in his display of freaks.

However, Ricky and his friends quickly discover the hard way that Skuggs has actually created the freaks himself using – what else? – Zygrot-27, and they soon wind up as freaks themselves. But Ricky soon joins forces with the other freaks including the Human Worm, the Bearded Lady (and yes folks, that really is Mr. T playing the Bearded Lady), a Sock Puppet-Headed Man (featuring the voice of Bobcat Goldthwait), and Ortiz The Dog Boy (played by Keanu Reeves). The final battle is a sight to behold.

This movie failed miserably at the box office due to poor distribution, and that’s a shame because this movie really is a blast to watch.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

Irreversible (2002, France)

Directed by Gaspar Noe

Irreversible is unquestionably one of the most disturbing movies I’ve ever had the pleasure to watch. So disturbing in fact that I had to watch it twice just to be sure, and even still I’m not sure if that’s enough. This movie has two unusual things going for it: 1. The entire story is told in reverse, that is, the movie “starts” with the ending credits, and then roughly 12 scenes are shown in reverse order; 2. The bizarre soundtrack and camera angles give you the sensation of having a nightmare.

If you speak French then you won’t have to read the subtitles, but the dialogue isn’t really all that complicated so it’s easy to keep up with the subtitles. The opening scene shows two elderly men sitting on a bed, one of them naked for no apparent reason. They talk briefly and then the scene takes us out the window to the street below where we view the aftermath of an especially vicious act of revenge. As each scene comes to an end we are then taken to the beginning of the previous scene which shows us the events that lead up to the scene we just watched. This makes it especially important to pay attention; however, in doing so you are forced to watch some rather graphic imagery.

As the movie travels further backwards in time we see the pursuit of a man accused of a brutal rape and beating. The victim is a young lady named Alex (played by the lovely Monica Bellucci). When Alex’s friends discover what’s happened to Alex they set out to find the perpetrator, known only as Le Tenia. They track him to a gay S/M club called The Rectum where the revenge is carried out.

We are then taken to the next previous scene where Alex is attacked, raped, and beaten. Make no mistake here folks, the rape scene is one of the longest in film history (roughly 9 minutes), and the beating afterwards is no less savage.

The only real down side to this movie is that the farther you go into it the more tame it becomes, because after the revenge and rape scenes the movie basically is nothing more than a bunch of scenes involving a party, drug use, and consensual sex which gradually leads us to where Alex leaves the party with her friends and gets separated from them before taking the advice of a hooker who tells her to “Take the underpass; it’s safer.”

This movie originally premiered at the Cannes Film Festival before a crowd of 2,400 people. It is said that 200 of those people walked out either during or after the rape and beating scene. Some people just don’t understand the concept of “It’s only a movie.”

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

Head (1968, USA)

Directed by Bob Rafelson

The Monkees finally rebelled against their “Prefab Four” image that America had seemingly forever branded them with, and demonstrated that not only were they capable writing and performing their own songs, but also that they were nothing like that silly Saturday morning show that we all watched back in grade school (at least those of us who were in grade school during the mid to late ‘60s).

This is a difficult movie to describe, partly because it has no plot and no storyline, but it’s far from being uninteresting. Basically, we see Mickey, Davy, Peter, and Mike either together or separately or any three looking for the missing one as they go from one surreal scene to the next.

How surreal are the scenes? Well we have a war scene in which NFL Hall of Famer, Ray Nitschke appears in full football regalia. We have another scene where screaming teeny bopper fans are waiting to see their beloved Monkees perform, but instead of playing “Hey Hey We’re The Monkees…” or one of those other bubble gum tunes that they were forced to play in their early days we are treated to Mike Nesmith belting out the rockin’ tune “Circle Sky” while graphic images of the Vietnam War appear at the bottom of the screen.

The scene with Mickey Dolenz in the desert with an uncooperative Coca-Cola machine is pretty funny, and Mike Nesmith’s surprise party results in a very disgruntled Mike telling everybody what he thinks about it before concluding “And I feel the same way about Christmas… Now, what do you think of them apples?” Meanwhile, Peter Tork seems to be off in a world of his own ala Larry Fine, and Davy Jones becomes fed up with being in a box.

There are also a number of interesting cameos in this movie including: Annette Funicello, Vito Scotti, Sonny Liston, Frank Zappa, Teri Garr, Jack Nicholson (who also co-wrote and co-produced the movie), Dennis Hopper, and Victor Mature.

This movie went nowhere in the theaters due to bad distribution, but it has since become a Rock & Roll Cult Classic.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

The Short Films Of David Lynch (2002, USA)

Directed by David Lynch

From the man who brought us such strange movies as Eraserhead, The Elephant Man, and Blue Velvet, David Lynch presents six of his short films: Six Men Getting Sick, The Alphabet, The Grandmother, The Amputee, The Cowboy And The Frenchman, and Lumiere. Here is a breakdown of the six films…

Six Men Getting Sick (1967) – No dialogue. We are treated to what appears to be six animated paintings that go through what Lynch describes as “57 seconds of growth and fire, and three seconds of vomit.” The sequence repeats itself six times while a very annoying soundtrack of a siren blares through the entire film.

The Alphabet (1967) – Very little dialogue. A mostly animated feature that is mercifully short.

The Grandmother (1970) – At 34 minutes this is the longest of the six films. No coherent dialogue. This is a very strange film which tells the story of a young boy, whose abusive parents are forever punishing him for his chronic bedwetting.

To escape from this madness the boy dumps dirt on his bed and plants what appears to be a potato or some sort of seed. A gigantic plant soon emerges and gives birth to an old lady, or grandmother. The grandmother gives the boy comfort from the oppressing reality of his parents.

However, the grandmother soon falls ill, and the boy is faced with the threat of being alone again in a cruel world.

The Amputee (1973) – Narrative dialogue. Another short feature that seems to be headed in a downright boring direction until the nurse (played by David Lynch) comes in to change the bandages.

The Cowboy And The Frenchman (1987) – At 26 minutes this film is truly the best out of the six. Maybe it’s because it actually has more than two actors in it, and maybe because this film is obviously done as a comedy so that the less Artsy-Fartsy people like me can actually understand it.

This film alone makes it worth buying the whole DVD. You’ll see a couple of fairly well-known actors in this one, and the film is actually in color. I love it when the Indian says “I followed him for 10 days, but he kept throwing snails at me; it scared the hell out of me.”

The Lumiere (1995) – This film is one minute long, and it is a series of rapid fire images designed to make you go “What the hell?” and have to watch it again.

To sum up the whole DVD, 5 of the 6 films are very much what you would expect from David Lynch, while The Cowboy And The Frenchman is nothing like anything you would expect from him, and as I’ve said already this one film is worth buying the entire DVD.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

Dead Ringers (1988, Canada)

Directed by David Cronenberg

Okay, unlike some of the real gore-fests we’ve reviewed in the past, Dead Ringers is more of a psychological thriller, in other words you actually have to pay attention to it in order to enjoy it. Jeremy Irons plays Elliot and Beverly Mantle, twin brothers who grow up to become surgeons and operate an exclusive gynecological clinic where they’ve established themselves as the heads of their profession with their innovative methods.

However, neither Elliot nor Beverly are completely right in the head, although Elliot comes across as the more sophisticated of the two. We’ve all heard those stories about twins, how one feels what the other feels, and thinks what the other one thinks. Elliot and Beverly are no different, and while they enjoy such recreational activities as sharing sexual favors with Claire, a patient who happens to be a famous actress with an unusual diagnosis, Beverly makes the mistake of falling in love with Claire (played by Genevieve Bujold).

Beverly’s obsessions soon lead him to design a very disturbing set of surgical instruments for the purpose of operating on mutated women, and Elliot stands firmly behind his brother. However, Beverly is quickly becoming more and more addicted to the very pharmaceutical drugs that he’s been recklessly writing prescriptions to for Claire.

Elliot tries to be strong, but Beverly spirals out of control with drug abuse and soon Elliot is dragged into the same addictions. Eventually both Elliot and Beverly realize that they can’t go on relying on each other the rest of their lives, and eventually a shocking solution is agreed upon.

If your hoping to see blood and guts galore you will be greatly disappointed, but if you’d like to see a dark, disturbing, psychological thriller then give this movie a try.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

Tales From The Crapper (2004, USA)

Directed by Lloyd Kaufman, Gabriel Friedman, David Paiko, and Brian Spitz

One of the finest pieces of work from those crazy folks at Troma, Tales From The Crapper has it all. Hosted by The Crap Keeper (played by Lloyd Kaufman) and starring Julie Strain in not one, but two films.

In the first film (which I can’t seem to remember the name of) Julie plays a rough tough streetwise cop, and she really hates bad guys. Julie is in hot pursuit of an alien that’s been going around and killing the customers of a strip club. Eventually, Julie tracks down the alien and the big battle ensues.

The second film, titled Tuition Of The Terror Twat, Julie plays a vampire lesbian stripper who gets hired by some college kid to bring herself and a bunch of other vampire lesbian strippers to a party. Mayhem ensues. During this movie there is a scene where a guy tells the longest most disgustingly dirty joke in the world; the punchline isn’t all that funny but the actual telling of the joke is.

Interspersed within both movies is a reoccurring background movie called Cannibal Lesbian Hoedown, and during the less interesting moments you’re treated to Boner-Vision. If you hate everything Troma has ever done then stay far away from this DVD; however, if you’re familiar with Troma and you actually “get the humor” then you’ll love this one.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

2001 Maniacs (2004, USA)

Directed by Tim Sullivan

This movie is actually a remake of the 1964 Herschell Gordon Lewis movie, 2000 Maniacs; and much like the remake of Night Of The Living Dead, this remake is better than the original. Oh sure, you still get the over the top corny stereotype acting, but this remake has much better gore scenes than the original.

The plot? The plot is the same as the original: A bunch of northern tourists get detoured to the town of Pleasant Valley where they are systematically slaughtered in pretty spectacular ways. The main difference between this remake and the original is that the body count is higher and the gore is much better. There’s also a lot more sex and nudity. Oh yeah, the humor is pretty funny too.

Robert Englund stars as Mayor Buford and he’s probably the only actor in this movie that you’ll recognize, but he gives a fine performance. If you enjoyed the original 2000 Maniacs then you’re really going to like 2001 Maniacs.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

From Dusk Till Dawn (1996, USA)

Directed by Robert Rodriguez

Now this is one rock ‘em sock ‘em shoot ‘em up, blood and gore, vampire extravaganza. George Clooney and Quentin Tarantino star as two brothers who are on a robbery and murder spree. The only thing they need to make this crime spree complete is to escape into Mexico, where they’ve set up a rendezvous to launder their dirty money and live like kings.

In order to get into Mexico they kidnap a widowed preacher (played by Harvey Keitel) and his two children, the daughter played by the lovely Juliette Lewis (I don’t know about the rest of you, but Juliette Lewis makes me proud to be a dirty old man). After crossing into Mexico they go to the rendezvous spot, a wild little out of the way place called The Titty Twister.

It’s not long after arriving at The Titty Twister that they discover that the place is teeming with vampires, and the battle is on. The good guys are joined by Fred Williamson and Tom Savini, and together they all put quite a dent in the vampire population, but it soon becomes clear that they are way outnumbered and all the guns in the world aren’t going to save them.

This movie has everything that a true cult film connoisseur could possible want: Guns, shooting, hostages, kidnapping, perverts, over the top acting, blood and gore galore, plus vampires, condoms filled with holy water, Juliette Lewis, and lots of comedy situations including Cheech Marin playing three different roles (the cat calling scene outside The Titty Twister is a legendary performance).

Normally I’m not a big fan of vampire movies, but this one is a must see.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

Night Of The Demons (1988, USA)

Directed by Kevin S. Tenney

I actually ordered this DVD by mistake thinking it was Night Of The Creeps. Boy was I wrong. This movie sucks, and not in a good way. Night Of The Demons is nothing more than just another movie about a bunch of teenagers on Halloween night who decide to have a party in the old abandoned funeral parlor, which is rumored to be haunted. The rest is so predictable with the sexual wisecracks, the big drunk mullet-headed jock, the Goth chick, etc.

Although the special effects are not too bad in this movie, it’s all the same old routine script and plot that was run into the ground during the hey day of ‘80s teen slasher films, the only difference being that in this movie instead of a masked maniac going around killing people the people just turn into demons. The whole thing is like they wanted to cross Friday The 13th with Night Of The Living Dead, and it falls miserably short of its goal.

This movie is perfect if you’re going to show it to a bunch of teenyboppers at a slumber party, but for the true cult movie collector this is one movie you do NOT want to add to your library.

Rating: No thumb anywhere near the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

Famous Last Words

2006-07-11T00:29:00.000-07:00

The Paulie Family
Phew, that was close!" "Red wire? Blue wire? Red wire, blue wire.... Red wi.." "Actually darling, YES! Your bum DOES look big in that!" "Don't worry, we'll be safe in here" "Gerrrronimoooooo!" "What does this button do?" "Is that thing loaded?" "OK, I've removed the pin..... now what?" "I'll go first, I'm sure it's safe" "Ahhh, isn't that sweet, I wonder where the mommy tiger is" "Now I have you in my power Mr. Fantabuloso, nothing can stop me. .... I am invincible!!" "Of course there's no one else Debbi...I mean Alice" "Oh yeah, you and whose army?" "Yep, my tour of duty ends tomorrow, and then it's back home to marry my childhood sweetheart, just this one final mission" "If you Hells Angels are so tough, why do you dress so gay?" "What's that ticking sound?" "Pentagram you say, it was supposed to have been a pentagram?" "Whoops" "I'm not sure, what do piranhas look like?" "10 bucks says I can make it through that level crossing before the train does" "Oh come off it, just how deadly can a tinsy winsy little spider like that be?" "Of course I'm not too drunk to drive" "Perhaps they're friendly" "Wow, the dark cloak, skull head, scythe, Man, your Grim Reaper costume is really convincing" "Relax dude, I've been out running twisters like this for yeaaaaarrrrrrrsssss______" "Good morning class, I'm your new instructor, Professor Butterfingers, In my hand I am holding a glass vial full of one of the most lethal neurotoxins known to ... ooops" "Look, the odds of anything going wrong are a million to one" "Hey, aren't you that guy in the wanted posters" "I think the air might be breathable on this planet, let me just get this helmet off and...." "Wolves? Nah, there haven't been wolves in these parts for decades" "Don't be silly, you couldn't possibly have seen a veloco-raptor" "Let me explain why I don't have your money, Mr. Corellione" "Just wait here dear, I think I saw a telephone a few miles back, I won't be long" "Behind me? Oh really, you don't think I'm going to fall for that old trick do you?" "Trip wire? What trip wir..." "Why are you looking so nervous, I thought you'd be pleased I got tickets for the game, even though it's the Man U end... ooohhh look GOOOAAAALLLL!!! "errr, hey, guys, guys, so I screwed up, big time, but we're still friends right?"

RFU 5-06

2006-07-07T15:06:00.000-07:00

RFU 5-06 Copyright 6/06 by McCall/Zimmon

Disclaimer: The following program contains material that is guaranteed to offend somebody somewhere. Reader discretion is advised.

Theme Music: They’re not in tune with nature
They’re not in tune with Zen
We thought they finally went away
But now they’re back again
So now for all you folks out there
Who do not have a clue
Here now is Piston McCauffey
The host of RFU…

Piston: Radio Free Urine is on the air! Hello to all you folks out there in radio land, this is your old friend, Piston McCauffey, coming to you from the big building with the statue of naked people out front.

Well with The Paulie Family once again safely back on land they’ve wasted no time in getting back into the recording studio, which reminds me, let’s take a look at this week’s Top 10 Pillboard Chart:

1. Toilet In The Sky by The Paulie Family
2. Careful With That Ass, Eugene by Stink Floyd
3. Feel Like Makin’ Log by Bad Dumpany
4. I Write Bad Songs by Barry Marshmallow
5. Butt Scratch Fever by Ted Butt Nugget
6. Poop Stompin’ Music by Grand Dump Tailload
7. Puke I Hurl by Gene Chunder
8. I’m Smelling You Now by Freddie and The Reamers
9. Papa’s Got A Brand New Colostomy Bag by James Brown Matter
10. Must Bang Sally by Wilson Stickit

And that’s right folks, after taking a whole year off The Paulie Family is back with another #1 song, and let’s listen to it now…

Music: Toilet In The Sky (Sung to the tune of Spirit In The Sky by Norman Greenbaum)

When I gotta whiz after I'm dead
Gonna whiz in the place overhead
When I lay me down to die
Gonna whiz in the toilet in the sky
Gonna whiz in the toilet in the sky
That's where I'm gonna whiz when I die
When I gotta whiz after I'm dead
I'm gonna whiz in the place overhead.

Remember to wipe, you know that you must
Gotta wipe my butt with Jesus
So you know that when you die
He's gonna lead you up to the toilet in the sky
Lead you up to the toilet in the sky
That's where you're gonna wipe when you die
When you gotta wipe after you're dead
You gotta wipe in the place overhead.

I've always been a crapper; I crap a lot
Gotta take a dump with Jesus
So you know that when I die
He's gonna lead me up to the toilet in the sky
Oh lead me up to the toilet in the sky
That's where I'm gonna crap when I die
When I gotta crap after I'm dead
I'm gonna crap in the place overhead
Crap in the place overhead.

Piston: And there you have it folks, the new number one song by The Paulie Family written by that terrifically talented troubadour of toilet tunes, Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall! And here with us in the studio today to talk about The Paulie Family’s latest exploits is none other than Tracy himself!

(Tracy nods to the microphone, forgetting that he’s on the radio.)

Piston: Tracy, your new song seems to have a religious ring to it; you haven’t been born again have you?

Tracy: No, according to my mother I was born right the first time.

Piston: Then why the sudden interest in Jesus?

Tracy: It’s more of a protest actually because I’ve met a lot of people who are musicians, and probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard a musician say is “I’d like to start a Christian rock band.”

Piston: What’s wrong with that?

Tracy: Well during the last half a century religious zealots everywhere have always declared that rock music is the Devil’s music. So the term “Christian rock band” is probably the biggest oxymoron ever stated out loud. It’s sort of the equivalent of Christians celebrating Christmas by decorating trees.

Piston: But decorating Christmas trees is one of the oldest Christmas traditions.

Tracy: Yes, but whole idea was stolen from the so-called “Pagan” religions.

Piston: What do you mean by “so-called Pagan religions?”

Tracy: Well as anybody with half a brain knows, whenever Christians don’t understand the proper name for something that they simply make up a new name for it.

Piston: Can you give an example?

Tracy: One good example would be the word “warlock.”

Piston: Isn’t a warlock a male witch?

Tracy: No, in the Wicca religion there is no differentiation between a male and female witch. But of course in Christianity the concept of equality between men and women in the church is an unacceptable idea because it diminishes the superior designation of the male in the church, the home and society. Therefore, Christians simply made up the word “warlock” to suggest that a male witch has some sort of superiority in the Wicca religion. In that same vain would be Christians making up the word “Pagan” to describe anybody that isn’t a Christian. A similar example would be if I were to make up a word like “child molester” to describe a male Catholic Priest.

Piston: Well okay then. Another Paulie Family news item is the announcement that The Paulie Family is filing a lawsuit against The Rolling Stones guitarist, Keith Richards. What’s the story behind that?

Tracy: Well isn’t it obvious? Keith Richards falls out of a palm tree, winds up in the hospital, and gets a hole drilled into his head; he’s obviously stealing Paul’s act and as Attorney at Log for the band it’s my sworn duty to come down on Mr. Richards with the full weight of the log!

Piston: You say that Keith Richards is stealing Paul’s act. Has Paul ever actually fallen out of a palm tree?

Tracy: No, but if you leave a ladder anywhere near a palm tree it’s only a matter of time before Paul will be plummeting head first into the burning sand below.

(The phone rings. It’s Paul calling.)

Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!

Paul: Is it really necessary to publicize my total lack of coordination?

Tracy: As your Attorney at Log I’m doing it in your best interest.

Paul: How in the hell is telling people how clumsy I am in my best interest?

Tracy: Well look at it this way, you know how you’re always complaining about how fabulously wealthy I’ve become from my imaginary songwriting royalties while you don’t receive squat?

Paul: Yeah.

Tracy: Well Keith Richards has one thing as a guitar player that you don’t have.

Paul: And what’s that?

Tracy: Real, genuine, non-imaginary, honest to God CASH MONEY!!!

(There’s a pause on the other end of the line as Paul ponders the concept of real money. His eyes light up with dollar signs and make that nice ringing cash register sound.)

Paul: Okay, carry on.

(Paul hangs up.)

Piston: Well you certainly got Paul’s cooperation on this.

Tracy: Not even Paul will back down from a shot at real money.

(The phone rings. This time it’s Keith Richards.)

Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!

Keith: What’s all this bollocks about me being sued?

Tracy: Well Mr. Richards, it seems to me that if George Harrison can be successfully sued for stealing the music from He’s So Fine, then you should be a slam dunk on this.

Keith: But I didn’t steal anybody’s music.

Tracy: No, but you did fall out of a tree and get a hole drilled in your head, and that’s obviously stealing Paul’s act in much the same way that Jimi Exlax stole Excrete Townsend’s act when he flushed his guitar down the toilet at the Monterey Poop Festival in 1967.

Keith: Who in the hell is Paul?

Tracy: Somebody you’re going to wish to Log you never heard of if you don’t agree to settle out of court.

Keith: Oh alright, how much do you want to forget the whole thing?

Tracy: I’d say about $47 million dollars ought to take care of it.

Keith: How much is that in English Pounds?

Tracy: Hmmmmm… I don’t know. I’ll tell ya’ what, why don’t we just make it an even $47 million Pounds?

Keith: You’re out of your bleedin’ mind; go bugger yourself you wankin’ yank!

(Keith hangs up, but Tracy doesn’t give up that easily.)

Tracy: Does this phone have Star 69?

Piston: Of course!

(Tracy dials Star 69 which calls back Keith Richards.)

Keith: Hello?

Tracy: Hi Mr. Richards! Hey you hung up before I could give you the address to send the check to.

Keith: What check?

Tracy: The check for $47 million pounds.

Keith: PISS OFF!!!

(Keith hangs up again.)

Piston: He doesn’t sound very cooperative.

Tracy: Okay, I tried to handle this in a mature and professional manner, but now I’m gonna have to get mean!

(Tracy dials Star 69 again.)

Keith: Hello?

Tracy: Hello, do you have Prince Albert in a can?

Keith: He died in 1861 you stupid git!

(Tracy is only momentarily caught off guard.)

Tracy: Well in that case do you have him in an urn?

Keith: Look, if you don’t stop calling me I’m going to come over there and kick your ass!

Tracy: Oh yeah? Well let me give you the address. Have you got a pencil and paper?

Keith: Yeah.

Tracy: Okay, the address is #2 Hershey Highway, Northeast Portland, Oregon 97220. It’s a treehouse, you can’t miss it. I’ll leave the door unlocked if you think you can CLIMB UP TO IT WITHOUT FALLING OUT OF THE TREE, YOU BASTARD!!!

(Tracy hangs up.)

Piston: Well you certainly told him.

Tracy: Yeah, he doesn’t know who he’s messing with!

(The phone rings. It’s Paul again.)

Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!

Paul: When do I get my $47 million dollars?

Tracy: Uuuuuuh… We’re still negotiating on that.

Paul: Well hurry up, my shopping list isn’t getting any shorter you know!

Tracy: What are you complaining for? You still have all of Anna Nicole Smith’s jewelry from when we sued her for falling and landing on you that time when we were on Hollywood Squares!

Paul: Yeah, but it was all Cubic Zirconium! It’s as worthless as all that makeup she wears!

Tracy: Okay, but at least we succeeded in getting the judge to order her to wear a “Wide Load” sign on her ass.

Paul: Yeah, but I’m still broke! Now what are you going to do about it?

Tracy: Look, if you need cash that bad I’ve got plenty of beer cans you can take to the store.

Paul: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YOU DON’T!!! I’M NOT SMUGGLING ANYMORE COCKROACHES OUT OF YOUR APARTMENT!!!

Tracy: It’s not illegal to smuggle cockroaches.

Paul: NO, BUT IT’S ANNOYING AS HELL!!!

Tracy: And besides, you weren’t smuggling cockroaches; I was deporting them!

Paul: Yeah, well I ain’t the freakin’ I.N.S.!!! NOW GET BUSY AND GET ME MY $47 MILLION DOLLARS!!!

(Paul hangs up.)

Tracy: Jeez, what a grouch!

(The phone rings again. This time it’s Rush Limbaugh calling.)

Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!

Rush: It’s liberal wacko types like you with your frivolous lawsuits that are tying up the courts and wasting the taxpayer’s money!

Tracy: Who the hell is this?

Rush: This is Rush Limbaugh!

(Tracy thinks back to the time when The Paulie Family crashed the Rush Limbaugh Show while Rush was on the air.)

Tracy: Did you say Flush Rimjob?

Rush: No, I said RUSH LIMBAUGH!!!

Tracy: Whatever… What can I do for you Flush?

Rush: THAT’S RUSH!!!

Tracy: Okay, what do you want?

Rush: I just wanted to point out that if the so-called Paulie Family would spend more time doing a little good old fashioned hard work they might actually get themselves a REAL RADIO SHOW!!!

Tracy: What makes you say that?

Rush: Where I come from you have to pay your dues and EARN RESPECT!!!

Tracy: Really? Where do you come from?

Rush: I’m from Missouri, the Show Me State!

Tracy: Oh yeah? Well I’m from Oregon, THE BLOW ME STATE!!!

(Tracy hangs up.)

Piston: Well Tracy, you certainly told him!

(The phone rings again. It’s Paul again.)

Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!

Paul: Al Franken is right, Flush Rimjob IS a big fat idiot!

(Paul hangs up.)

Piston: Wow Tracy, this is the most phone calls we’ve ever had in one show!

Tracy: Let that be a lesson to Mr. Rimjob. Well my work is done here.

(Tracy gets up and leaves.)

Piston: Well folks, it looks like that’s all the time we have for today’s show, so be sure to join us here again next time for Radio Free Urine!

THE END

Credits: Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter
Attorney at Log

Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon
Band Leader, Lead and Rhythm Guitars,
Script Ideas.

Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher
Road Manager, Script Ideas.

JD (Don’t Know What The D Stands For) Sears
Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, Conga Player,
Script Ideas.

Blood & Bath Concert reviews

2006-06-19T23:10:00.000-07:00

Johnny Winter played Portland OR. A week or 2 ago. Looking frail and thin (and of course extremely white) he sat down in a chair and played his heart out. There are very few living legends left out there and using his skill and artistic ability Johnny showed why he's the iconic legend that he is. Johnny's playing style is smooth and seemingly effortless. He played pure blues like it was a gift from Heaven. I saw Johnny play one time before in 1973 during his rock star days and in my opinion he has gotten better since those early days, if that's possible. Johnny's got a new CD out titled "Bluesman" and it's is on my list of CDs to make Tracy buy. http://johnnywinter.net/welcome/ Be sure to check out Johnny's web site.

Review – Johnny Winter

When I saw Johnny Winter a few years ago it was the first show I’d seen at the Aladdin Theater in Portland, Oregon (Yes, it’s the same theater that showed the movie Deep Throat for eight consecutive years). At that time I was familiar with his reputation as a brilliant guitar player and looked forward to seeing him for the first time live.

That night, however; was a bit of a disappointment as the crowd waited for hours for Johnny to take the stage. When he finally did come out he was walking very slowly with a cane and had a person on each side of him to keep him from falling. Although he played fairly well that night I knew that something was missing. I wasn’t the only one that noticed that something was wrong with Johnny. As I left the theater that night the most repeated comments I heard were “Albinos are very fragile.”

Fast forward to June 4th, 2006. I had read that Johnny had hip surgery and I realized that a bad hip could certainly affect the way a man walks and painkillers can certainly affect how a man plays a guitar. Paul had finally convinced me to give Johnny another chance, and the results of the hip surgery were obvious.

Johnny Winter walked out on stage under his own power that night. No cane, no human training wheels. He looked good for somebody that looks 175 years old, and he obviously felt good. From the first note Johnny played he was out of the gate at full gallop and he never let up for one second. Ladies and gentlemen, the real Johnny Winter stood up that night, and he played the way he was expected to play and better! And although the set list he played was nearly identical to the one he played the last time, the quality between the two performances were as different as night and day.

When it was finally over my ears were ringing loud and clear and everything sounded muffled; I love that feeling. I knew that I had just seen one of the greatest living guitar players give one hell of an incredible performance, and I wasn’t the only one that noticed. That night as I walked out of the theater the most repeated comments I heard were “Oh my God!” and “That was incredible!” That night Johnny kicked ass, took names, and then he kicked ass again. And then for an encore he came out and took names again. Make no mistake folks, Johnny Winter is back in the saddle again.

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

Review – Don Rickles

On Saturday, June 10th, 2006 the local members of The Paulie Family loaded themselves into the tour bus and traveled to the Chinook Winds Casino in Lincoln City, Oregon to attend a performance and learn a few pointers from the Godfather of Insult Comedy – Don Rickles. The Paulie Family pride themselves on their offensive humor, but it was soon obvious that we were truly outclassed in that area of entertainment.

The legendary Mr. Warmth himself walked out onto the stage and before he even said one word to the audience he bitched out the piano player up one side and down the other, declared that the whole show was ruined, walked off the stage and could be heard bitching out one of the stage hands before he came back out on stage and bitched out the piano player again before he finally turned to the audience, insulted everyone including the Native Americans that own and operate the casino and then broke into a song called I’m A Nice Guy. And that was only the first 15 minutes.

Yes folks, at the ripe old age of 80 Don Rickles hasn’t mellowed one bit in over half a century of comedy, and it’s not likely that he’ll mellow any very soon. He was very energetic for his age and one can only imagine what he’d be like if he actually didn’t like you. He was great.

Since I had never seen Don Rickles in person before my only knowledge of his act was from TV appearances on shows like The Tonight Show and the Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts as well as an appearance in an episode of Gilligan’s Island, and of course he also played the character Crap Game in the movie Kelly’s Heroes. After seeing Don live I now realize just how much he had to tone things down for television, but in his live act there are no holds barred as he lambastes everything and everyone with absolute and total disregard for anybody’s feelings, and he does it extremely well.

One thing that surprised me was his singing. You just don’t think about a guy who makes a living insulting the audience and anybody who gets within eyesight of him on stage as being a singer, but that old man actually has a good, strong singing voice and he can really belt out a tune.

I’d also like to point out that for a living legend the tickets only cost $18.00 a piece, a pretty good deal to see a true master at work.

On a side note: Although we were in a casino I didn’t actually gamble because none of the Black Jack tables were open, and I don’t play cards against machines; however, I lost $9.00 on a service charge for using the friggin ATM. Those casinos can really screw you. For me, it was the only bad part of the whole evening.

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

RFU 4-06

2006-05-24T15:40:00.000-07:00

RFU 4-06 Copyright 5/06 by McCall/Zimmon/Gallagher

Disclaimer: The following program contains material that is guaranteed to offend somebody somewhere. Reader discretion is advised.

Theme Music: They’re not in tune with nature
They’re not in tune with Zen
We thought they finally went away
But now they’re back again
So now for all you folks out there
Who do not have a clue
Here now is Piston McCauffey
The host of RFU…

Piston: Radio Free Urine is on the air! Hello to all you folks out there in radio land, this is your old friend, Piston McCauffey, coming to you from the big building with the statue of naked people out front.

Well on the last show the famous Paulie Family Tour Bus had sank to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean off the coast of Oregon, with all band members aboard, while demonstrating the bus’s new submarine features. This is the worst Paulie Family Tour Bus disaster since the original, smaller tour bus sank to the bottom of the English Channel after Paulie Family Bandleader, Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon drove it off of a ferry in an attempt to prove that he could drive the tour bus as well as anybody else during the ill-fated European tour of 1999.

A distress call was sent out to both the Coast Guard and the Navy, however, neither branch of the armed forces was able to help because no country on the planet has a ship big enough to lift or tow a Tour Bus of that size while it’s full of water, let alone while it’s empty.

However, the Paulie Family, always determined to make the best of a bad situation has taken advantage of their underwater isolation by using the quality time together to continue recording new songs, speaking of which, let’s take a look at this week’s Top 10 Pillboard Chart:

1. Hey Bull Dyke by The Paulie Family
2. I Poopchuted The Sheriff by Eric Crapton
3. Hot Log Stinkin’ by Commander Commode & His Least Favorite Air Fresheners
4. Rye Time by The Grateful Bread
5. One Flush Over The Line by Sewer & Slippery
6. Loud Mary by The Dyke & Weiner Burner Review
7. Beat Her Like A Lady by The Cornelius Brothers & Sister Bloody Nose
8. Daddy Don’t You Wank So Fast by Wang Newton
9. Easy Whizzin’ by Urinal Heep
10. The Ugliest Girl In The Whole USA by Donna Fido

And that’s right folks, The Paulie Family has yet another #1 song, and let’s listen to it now…

Music: Hey Bull Dyke (Sung to the tune of Hey Bulldog by The Beatles)

Dog face
Waiting for the bus
Bad case
Acne full of puss
Your face of ugliness is standing out on you
Like it caught on fire and got beat out by a track shoe.

Man-like
In athletic socks
Worn with
Ugly Birkenstocks
Your heavy ass sure leaves deep footprints in the soil
If you wore high heels you would probably strike oil.

Please don't sit by me
Please don't sit by me
Please don't sit by me
You're so ugly, please don't sit by me.

Hey yeah... Yahoo!

Nose ring
In your bloody nose
It bleeds
All over your clothes
You didn't think that it would make you look so fierce
You should've thought of that before you got it pierced.

Please don't sit by me
Please don't sit by me
Please don't sit by me
You're so ugly, please don't sit by me.

Hey Bull dyke! Hey Bull dyke!
Hey Bull dyke! Hey Bull dyke!

Wahoo, woof woof...

Hey man, what's that noise?

Belch!

What'd you say?

I said... Belch!

Do you have anymore?

BEEEEELLLLCCCCHHHH... WOOHOO!

That's it! You got it! That's great, man
One more time now let me have it...

BEEEEELLLLCCCCHHHHAAAAHAAAA...
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

That's enough, man now shutup!

Okay

Hey Bull dyke!
Hey Bull dyke!

Piston: And there you have it folks, the new number one song by The Paulie Family! Well also trapped on the Paulie Family Tour Bus is our own on the spot reporter, Anita Bier. Let’s see if we can still reach her… Come in, Anita Bier!

Anita: Piston, it’s a miracle that we’re still alive down here…

(Meanwhile, in the background the following argument is taking place.)

Paul: I WANT THOSE SPERM WHALES OUT OF MY BED, NOW!!!

Tracy: WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR???!!! I TOLD YOU NOT TO LEAVE KRILL AND PLANKTON LYING AROUND IN YOUR ROOM!!!

Paul: DON’T YOU TRY TO PIN THIS ONE ON ME!!! NOW GET ME A STATUS REPORT!!!

(Tracy gets on the intercom.)

Tracy: Damage Control, report please.

Enos: AYE I’VE GOT CRABS UNDER MY KILT!!!

JD: The pool appears to be draining again, is that a good sign?

Tim: This is your reluctant Cruise Director speaking, we are now serving Peanut Butter and Jellyfish sandwiches in the galley.

Raisin: Why is the tap water so salty?

(Paul, seeing that no serious danger is imminent, returns to yelling at Tracy.)

Paul: AND WHERE’S THAT DAMN TOW TRUCK???!!! I CALLED THEM OVER AN HOUR AGO!!!

Tracy: He’s parked on the beach looking for us.

Paul: WELL HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO FIND US???!!! HOW MANY TOUR BUSES ARE PARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN???!!!

Tracy: A freakin’ Aircraft Carrier couldn’t pull us out of here, what makes you think a tow truck can?

Paul: Isn’t their motto “Neither rain, nor snow, nor the Pacific Ocean will stop us from making our appointed rounds?”

Tracy: No, that’s the Post Office.

Paul: Well maybe we should call them.

Tracy: Only if we need firearms.

(Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door of the Tour Bus.)

Paul: Who in the hell is knocking on the door at this time of night?

Tracy: It’s 2:00 in the afternoon.

Paul: Then why is it so dark outside?

Tracy: Because we’re 12,000 feet underwater.

(Paul goes to the door.)

Paul: WHO IS IT???!!!

Voice: Registered mail, you’ll have to sign for it.

Paul: Okay, hold on a second the door’s locked!

(Paul fumbles with the door lock until he finally gets it unlocked. He pulls open the door to find a Mailman standing up to his knees in mud, bright sunshine beaming down on him, and no ocean in sight.)

Paul: Wow, the sun sure rises fast down here! What do you want?

Mailman: I have a registered letter for Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon.

Paul: That’s me.

Mailman: Sign here please.

(Paul signs for the letter then opens it and proceeds to read it out loud.)

Paul: Dear Mr. Refuses To Have A Nickname Zimmon, this is to inform you that we are filing a lawsuit against you and Paulie Family Productions for the theft of the Pacific Ocean, which our fine beachside resorts depend on year-round for tourism. We hereby demand a total sum of $900 Gazillion dollars for restitution, please remit immediately. Sincerely, Phil Itbakup, State of Hawaii Chamber of Commerce… AAAAAAAARRRRGH!!! WHERE’S MY ATTORNEY AT LOG???!!!

Tracy: Problem?

Paul: I’LL SAY THERE’S A PROBLEM!!! I’M BEING SUED FOR $900 GAZILLION DOLLARS!!! NOW WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT???!!!

(Tracy calmly gets back on the intercom.)

Tracy: Ray, you can drive us back to shore now.

Ray: Does this mean we’re not going to Australia?

Tracy: It appears we’ll have to work out a few problems with the submarine features first.

(Meanwhile, Anita Bier, who’s been quiet all this time due the shock of the sight of a missing ocean, finally composes herself.)

Anita: Tracy, how do you explain the fact that the entire Pacific Ocean is missing?

Tracy: Well it’s simple really, the four-dimensional interior of the Tour Bus has basically absorbed the entire ocean.

Anita: Yes, of course… That is pretty simple.

(Anita has no idea what Tracy is talking about, but she knows better than to ask for a more detailed explanation. Meanwhile, Paulie Family Tour Bus driver, Ray “Gaseous” Clay drives the Tour Bus back to the shore of Seaside, Oregon, where a cheering crowd awaits. The door to the Paulie Family Tour Bus opens and the Pacific Ocean begins spilling out back into its basin. Meanwhile, back in the RFU studios, Piston is watching the AP Wire Service.)

Piston: Anita, if you’re listening I’m getting reports from all over the Pacific Rim that beachside resorts from Hawaii to Tahiti are filing lawsuits against The Paulie Family over the loss of their ocean! Can you find out what The Paulie Family is planning to do about it?

Anita: Sure Piston, with me right now is Paulie Family Attorney at Log, Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall… Tracy, how are you planning to address all of these lawsuits against The Paulie Family?

Tracy: Well Jeez Louise, Anita… It’s not like we actually stole the Pacific Ocean, and as you can plainly see by all of the water rushing out of the Tour Bus that we’re putting it back, so I don’t see what the problem is!

Anita: Yes, I guess it is pretty obvious that things are being put back the way they were…

(Suddenly, Paul falls out of the bus entangled by a drift net.)

Paul: SOMEBODY GET THIS DAMN THING OFF OF ME!!!

(Tracy quickly produces a large switchblade and begins cutting Paul free.)

Paul: WATCH IT WITH THAT KNIFE, YOU MANIAC!!!

Tracy: SHUTUP FATSO, I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU!!!

(With Paul’s health improving he’s begun to put weight back on again, and once again Tracy has regained the confidence to resume calling Paul “Fatso” during their frequent quarrels. Meanwhile, Tim “Has Too Many Nicknames” Gallagher steps off of the bus.)

Anita: And here now is the Paulie Family Road Manager, Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher. Tim, this road trip must have been a terrible disappointment for you.

Tim: Not really, I was against the idea from the start. I mean really… A Tour Bus that converts into a submarine and attempting to drive all the way to Australia?

Anita: Well as the Road Manager, what’s the next gig for The Paulie Family?

Tim: I got us a booking in Max Jagermeister's cornfield in Trufant, Michigan. The date is not completely nailed down but it's got to be sometime before the first plowing. We're calling it "Woodcock '06." The symbol is going to be a woodcock perched on a pitchfork handle. "Make Hay in the Springtime!" That's the logo. Whatdda ya think?

Paul: What in the hell is he talking about?

Tracy: How should I know? You hired him.

Tim: We're gonna film the whole thing. Our advertising blitz is going to be directed toward Naturalist communities throughout the Americas and Europe to make sure there are plenty of naked people.

Paul: What sort of naked people?

Tim: What do you mean?

Paul: Well there is such a thing as people who shouldn’t be seen naked!

Tim: The promoters have started to line up bands including a guy who looks a lot like Jimi Hendrix, except he's white, 68 years old, and kind of bald. He says he can play guitar real good, though, and is planning to get a bass player and drummer before the gig.

Paul: Why isn’t he answering my question?

Tracy: Aw leave him alone, it’s not often he gets the chance to ramble like this.

Tim: Sylvester and the Family Mausoleum is considering. You've probably heard their new song about frustrated male nerds, "I Want to Make You Dryer." Hamburger Joe McDonalds has committed. Man I can just see him leading a huge crowd of naked people in his "Fish Sandwich Jeer!" And the British group Why may come and do some songs from their rock opera about a daft, dumb and nearsighted kid who's so good at video games that people think he's God.

Anita: Wow, that sounds like it will be quite a happening! Well it looks like everything is back to normal now for The Paulie Family, so back to you Piston!

Piston: Thank you, Anita Bier. Well folks, it looks like that’s all the time we have for today’s show, so be sure to join us here again next time for Radio Free Urine!

THE END

Credits: Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter
Attorney at Log

Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon
Band Leader, Lead and Rhythm Guitars,
Script Ideas.

Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher
Road Manager, Script Ideas, Additional Material.

JD (Don’t Know What The D Stands For) Sears
Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, Conga Player,
Script Ideas.

Also appearing were Anita Bier, Enos (The Mad Flasher of Edinburgh) McPenis, Ray (Gaseous) Clay, and Raisin Blisters.

Cards and Letters to the Editor

2006-05-23T15:38:00.000-07:00

Cards and Letters to the Editor

Ever since we started this blog I’ve been inundated with cards and letters from fans complaining that they don’t have computers to write in with, and apparently they don’t have phones either so they’re unable to call in during episodes of RFU. Nobody has been more surprised than me on this because I genuinely didn’t realize we had that many fans.

And so, here is a new feature to the program called Cards and Letters to the Editor. Our very first letter comes to us from Dick Handy of Wankers Corner, Oregon, who writes in and says:

“Dear Editor,

I’ve lived in Wankers Corner, Oregon all of my life. It may seem like a strange place to visitors, but you get the feel of it after awhile. The problem is this: Wankers is actually pronounced “Wonkers”, but tourists seem to travel from miles around just to have their picture taken next to a sign that says “Welcome to Wankers Corner.”

I am extremely offended by these jerk offs, but I don’t know what to do about it. Can you offer some advice?

Sincerely,

Dick Handy”

Editor’s reply:

Well Jesus Christ, Dick, quit freaking out and get a grip on yourself! Did it ever occur to the citizens of your fine city to simply change the spelling? Or could it be that the only remotely interesting tourist attraction in your fine city is that damn sign?

You may not realize this but there are cities and towns on this planet with far more funnier names than Wankers Corner. For example:

Bumbang, Victoria, Australia
Condom, France
Crap, Albania
Crotch Lake, Ontario, Canada
Cunt, Spain
Dikshit, India
Dildo, Trinity Bay, Newfoundland
Erect, North Carolina
Fucking, Austria
Gayville, South Dakota
Horneytown, North Carolina
Intercourse, Pennsylvania
Phuket, Thailand
Semen, Bulgaria
Shit, Iran
Sugar Tit, South Carolina
Twatt, Scotland
Vagina, Russia

So you see Dick, no matter how you pronounce it, Wankers Corner is far from the most embarrassing name for a city or town. In fact, you might want to consider just how silly sounding your own name is before you go bitching about the name of your city.

I am curious though, is there a high school in Wankers Corner, and if so, what is their football team named? I can just hear it now… “…and the Spanking Monkeys are now taking the field…” And by any chance is the local theater showing that Bruce Lee movie, Fists of Fury?

Thank you for your letter.

Sincerely,

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

The Blood & Bath Movie Review

2006-05-19T15:41:00.000-07:00

Ravenous (1999, USA)

Directed by Antonia Bird

This is one of the most delightfully creepy movies I’ve ever seen. This movie is dark comedy at its finest. This movie also proves that female directors are capable of directing some pretty damn good movies, although at the moment I can’t think of another example.

Ravenous takes place in 1847. After disgracing himself during the Mexican-American war, Captain John Boyd (played by Guy Pearce) finds himself banished to a remote military outpost in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. There he finds himself surrounded by some rather odd characters, although for 1847 they might have been considered perfectly normal. Everything is going fine, and then one day a man named Colqhoun (played by Robert Carlyle) shows up at the fort half starved and half frozen to death.

After nursing him back to health Colqhoun begins to tell the tale of how he got there. In the spirit of the Donner Party, Colqhoun and a group of settlers find themselves trapped by snow in the mountains and they are forced to take refuge in a cave. As supplies quickly run out, and after eating the horses, the oxen, the dogs, their shoes, and their belts, they resort to cannibalism. Colqhoun manages to go for help and he tells the soldiers that there’s still one woman left back in the cave.

And so, the soldiers are off to the rescue with Colqhoun leading the way. But things begin to take a turn for the bizarre. There are a lot of bizarre plot twists in this movie, and they will all make you go “What the hell just happened?” right up to the incredible ending.

My favorite line in this movie was when the Commanding Officer (played by Jeremy Davies) says “It's lonely being a cannibal; it's tough making friends."

Ravenous did terribly at the box office and was pretty much dismissed by critics, but take my word for it, this is a really great movie! This movie is truly destined to become a cult classic.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

Fritz The Cat (1972, USA)

Directed by Ralph Bakshi

Ralph Bakshi made cult movie history when he wrote and directed the first ever X-Rated cartoon in the history of Hollywood. By the modern standards of today this movie would be considered relatively tame, but for the standards of 1972 this movie created quite a sensation.

Featuring the animated artwork of Robert Crumb (who created all of those Keep On Truckin’ posters back in the ‘60s & ‘70s and actually objected to his original character of Fritz The Cat being made into a movie), Fritz The Cat tells the story of a cat, named Fritz. Fritz is one horny little devil, which is one of the reasons the movie received an X Rating. Fritz has grown weary of jamming in the park with his musician friends, and wants to become more politically involved in society. And so, Fritz ventures out into the stark reality of the times.

This movie deals heavily in the social stereotypes that America still hadn’t quite shrugged off in the early ‘70s. Issues such as the Black ghettos, drug addiction, militant anarchists, and the spirit of free love and sex dominate the plot throughout the movie. And now that I think about it, I don’t really think that America ever really completely shrugged off those problems.

But don’t judge this movie solely on its social and political comments. Fritz The Cat is a genuinely funny movie, and the vivid coloration stands out against the bleak background of the ghetto streets. There’s also some interesting musical interludes.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

The Rutles – All You Need Is Cash (1978, USA/UK)

Directed by Eric Idle & Gary Weiss

In the movie genre known as the “Mockumentary,” The Rutles – All You Need Is Cash is clearly the undisputed champion. Eric Idle and Gary Weiss joined forces to create this wonderfully hilarious parody of The Beatles. For all you die hard Beatles fans out there that have never seen this movie… you will like this movie! The entire history of how The Beatles got together, got rich together, and broke up together is painstakingly parodied in this movie.

Neil Innes made this Mockumentary even funnier by writing parodies of The Beatles songs, and he also plays Ron Nasty, the John Lennon parody, while Eric Idle plays the Paul McCartney parody.

Cameo appearances abound in this movie. Mick Jagger and Paul Simon both appear as themselves to discuss the influences that The Rutles had on their own musical careers. Ron Wood plays a Hell’s Angel. Also appearing are George Harrison, Bianca Jagger, Michael Palin, Al Franken, Tom Davis, Bill Murray, Dan Akroyd, John Belushi, Gilda Radner, and Lorne Michaels.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

Eraserhead (1977, USA)

Directed by David Lynch

Long recognized as one of the top all-time cult films, Eraserhead is one weird movie, and I mean that in a good way. Jack Nance plays Henry Spencer, a very strange man with an equally strange hair-do. Henry lives alone in a very dreary world, which is made even more dreary by the movie being filmed in black and white.

One day Henry is invited to dinner by his ex-girlfriend, Mary. Dinner itself turns out to be even more interesting than the people gathered to eat it. Soon the reason for Henry’s invitation becomes clear, it seems his relationship with Mary has resulted in the birth of a baby, or as Mary says “The doctors aren’t sure if it is a baby.”

Henry does the honorable thing and marries Mary, and he takes her to his place to live, along with their strange looking offspring. Mary tries to be a good mother, but the baby’s non-stop mournful cries take their toll on Mary and she leaves Henry, who never seems to go to work because he’s on vacation. Henry doesn’t seem to mind. Henry is forever in a world of his own where he’s infatuated by the beautiful woman living across the hall, and the strange looking woman who appears to Henry in the radiator.

There is very little humor in this movie. In fact, it seems that the whole point of the movie is to emphasize what a dark, dreary, and surreal world we all find ourselves in whenever we’re depressed. Nevertheless, this movie is recommended to anyone who’s willing to open up their minds and explore the world of truly bizarre films.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

The Worm Eaters (1977, USA)

Directed by Herb Robins

Those of you who actually read these reviews probably know by now that we have a tendency toward enjoying really bad movies. But every now and then I get a hold of a movie that leaves me saying “I actually paid money for this?” This is such a movie.

This movie had so much potential to be good, but alas, it turned out to be very bad, and not in a good way. Herb Robins wrote, directed, and starred in this C-Grade shlockbuster, so the majority of the blame is completely on him.

Where do I start? How about the theme song that plays during the opening credits? It’s a silly song, and it’s way too long, and if you have the misfortune of watching this movie up to the closing credits you get to hear the song again.

The actual story and plot gave this movie a chance to shine. The main character is Herman Umgar (played by Herb Robins). Herman is a worm-breeder, and takes loving care of his babies. Herman’s father was killed by the father of the mayor back in 1939. Now the mayor is trying to get a hold of Herman’s land so he can screw it up in the name of progress. Everybody knows that Herman has the deed that proves he owns half the town, but nobody can get Herman to admit it, and nobody can find the deed.

Herman begins slipping his special mutant worms into the town’s food for no apparent reason, and despite the obvious, nobody seems to notice. At least until it’s discovered that eating the worms causes you to turn into a worm. At this point I’d like to point out that the scenes of worm eating are way over done. While great effort is taken to prove that worms really are in the person’s mouth they never actually seem to get chewed or even bitten in half. And the scene of worms mixed with ice cream looks more like somebody just finished sucking the great one-eyed wonder worm.

Eventually, Herman is confronted by three fishermen who have also turned into worms, and they want Herman to create mutant worm-women for them to live with in peace under the red tide of the lake. This idea is just silly enough to keep the movie mildly interesting up to this point. However, the cheese factor in this movie is way over done. So much so that not even a bag of nacho chips would’ve helped save this movie. The plot spins out of control, the bad acting and excess cheese factor just gets worse and worse, and then all of a sudden the movie ends in a less than spectacular way, leaving the viewer to say “What the hell?”

This movie is so bad that it’s almost comparable to The Ice Cream Man starring Clint Howard, but that movie had a bigger budget and washed up actors.

Rating: No thumb anywhere near the butt.

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

RFU 3-06

2006-04-24T16:28:00.000-07:00

RFU 3-06 Copyright 4/06 by McCall/Zimmon/Gallagher/Sears

Disclaimer: The following program contains material that is guaranteed to offend somebody somewhere. Reader discretion is advised.

Theme Music: They’re not in tune with nature
They’re not in tune with Zen
We thought they finally went away
But now they’re back again
So now for all you folks out there
Who do not have a clue
Here now is Piston McCauffey
The host of RFU…

Piston: Radio Free Urine is on the air! Hello to all you folks out there in radio land, this is your old friend, Piston McCauffey, coming to you from the big building with the statue of naked people out front.

Well The Paulie Family hasn’t let up one bit during the last couple of months, and they’ve been hard at work in the recording studio working on yet another new song. Speaking of which, let’s take a look at this week’s Top 10 Pillboard Chart:

1. Octopus’s Outhouse by The Paulie Family
2. Something In The Air by Thundercrap Newman
3. It Must Have Been The Roaches by The Grateful Condemned
4. Goodbye Yellow Dick Load by Elton Schlong
5. 30 Days In The Butthole by Humble Poo
6. Let’s Wank Again Like We Did Last Summer by Stubby Pecker
7. Don’t Flush Me Down by The Dung Beetles
8. Sure As I’m Shittin’ Here by Three Log Night
9. Ream Baby (How Long Must I Ream) by Roy Orifice
10. Wide World by Fat Stevens

And that’s right folks, The Paulie Family has another number one song and let’s listen to it now…

Music: Octopus' Outhouse (Sung to the tune of Octopus' Garden by The Beatles)

I'd like to pee into the sea
In an octopus’ outhouse down below
He'd flip us off as I shake it off
In an octopus’ outhouse down below.

I'd charge my friends a token or two
Or maybe more if they had to poo
I'd like to pee into the sea
In an octopus’ outhouse down below.

Our turds would float back to the boat
We rode in before it began to sink
Oh what a trip as we abandoned ship
To an octopus’ outhouse and it's stink.

We screamed and flailed and bobbed around
Because we knew that we might drown
I'd like to pee into the sea
In an octopus’ outhouse down below.

We could wipe without a gripe
With the seaweed that grows so green and plush
(Grows so green and plush)
It would be slick for every guy and chic
Knowing that there's no need to flush
(There's no need to flush).

We could be so regular you and me
No Exlax to make us have to poo
I'd like to pee into the sea
In an octopus’ outhouse with you.
In an octopus’ outhouse with you.
In an octopus’ outhouse with you.

Piston: And there you have it folks, the new number one song by The Paulie Family! And what a fitting song it is because even as I speak the Paulie Family Tour Bus is on the beach in Seaside, Oregon where Paulie Family Bandleader, Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon has an announcement to make. We take you now to our on the spot reporter, Anita Bier… Come in Anita Bier…

Anita: Piston, I’m here in Seaside where the Paulie Family Tour Bus is parked along the ocean side, and Paulie Family Bandleader, Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon is here with me now to make an announcement. So Paul, what’s the story?

Paul: Well Anita, I’m happy to announce that we’re about to demonstrate our Tour Bus’ new submarine capability.

Anita: You mean the Tour Bus will actually be able to travel underwater?

Paul: That’s right, and to prove it we’re going to begin our new tour by driving the Tour Bus from Seaside, Oregon all the way to Walla Wig Wittle, Australia!

Anita: Wow, that’s amazing! Do you really think the bus will make it that far underwater?

Paul: I said we we’re going to do it, didn’t I?

Anita: Well yes, but…

Paul: I suppose you think I’m bluffing?

Anita: No, it’s just that…

Paul: You know it’s bad enough when that stupid disk jockey never believes me, but I figured that as a reporter you might be more objective!

Anita: I can assure you I am, but it just seems…

Paul: SO WHAT’S THE PROBLEM???!!!

(Anita has been working with Piston to deal with Paul’s outbursts; she quickly changes the subject.)

Anita: So do you think I could come along and document this historic journey?

Paul: Of course, there’s no such thing as bad publicity.

(Meanwhile in the background, Tracy and Tim are having an argument.)

Tim: Are you sure there’s enough gas in this thing to make it all the way to Australia?

Tracy: Of course I’m sure! Why wouldn’t I be?

Tim: Well the bus has run out of gas before.

Tracy: Okay, so I neglected to make a pit stop ONE TIME!!!

Tim: Well it seems to me that traveling underwater would reduce the gas mileage.

Tracy: Look, Paul’s going too! Do you think Paul would be going with if it wasn’t safe?

(Tracy pauses in realization that everybody in the band will probably die on this cruise.)

Tracy: Okay, let me put it another way… You’re the Road Manager, and this is a road trip!

Tim: But we won’t actually be ON THE ROAD!!!

(Tracy realizes that an executive decision is in order.)

Tracy: Okay then, you’re officially promoted to Cruise Director. NOW GET ON THE FREAKIN’ BUS!!!

Tim: Yeah, well I don’t want to be the one that winds up having to walk to the next gas station from the bottom of the Mariana Trench!

Tracy: You can always take a short cut through the Great Barrier Reef; it’s only 200 feet deep there!

(Meanwhile, the christening ceremony is about to begin. Paul has a magnum of French Champagne.)

Paul: I christen thee… The Snotilus!

(Paul whacks the bus with the bottle of Champagne, but instead of breaking the bottle he smashes a headlight.)

Tracy: Here, let me try.

(Tracy pulls a bottle of beer from his coat pocket and heaves it at the Tour Bus. Instead of the beer bottle breaking it smashes through the windshield.)

Tracy: Hold on, I still have five more!

Paul: Aw, the hell with it!

(Paul drops the bottle of Champagne in the sand where it shatters into a billion pieces.)

Paul: Whatever… let’s just go!

(Paul, Tracy, and Anita get on the bus where the rest of the band is anxiously waiting to depart.)

Anita: Well Piston, it looks like we’re ready to set sail on this fine Spring day!

(Meanwhile in the background, Paul is giving orders.)

Paul: Batten down the hatches!

Tracy: This is a bus; it doesn’t have any hatches!

Paul: Well now it’s a submarine… SO WHY AREN’T THERE ANY HATCHES???!!!

Tracy: I figured without hatches there’d be less chance of leaks.

Paul: Okay then… Weigh anchor!

Tracy: We don’t have an anchor.

Paul: You mean that after all that shopping you did to prepare for this YOU DIDN’T GET AN ANCHOR???!!!

Tracy: You dropped me off at K-Mart; they don’t sell anchors!

Paul: Of all the incompetent idiots…

Tracy: Look, Tim’s the Road Manager; yell at him!

Paul: We’re not on the road! WHAT GOOD IS A ROAD MANAGER IF WE’RE NOT ON THE ROAD???!!!

Tracy: It’s okay, I promoted him to Cruise Director. So now you can blame him for everything.

Paul: Good, it’s about time somebody showed a little initiative around here!

(Tim, having overheard the conversation, has quietly slipped away to hide. Paul, Tracy, and Anita make their way to the main bridge where the Paulie Family driver, Ray [Gaseous] Clay is ready to set sail.)

Ray: Where to?

Paul: Australia… FULL SPEED AHEAD!!!

(Ray drops the bus/submarine into gear and hits the gas. The bus does a huge wheelie in the sand before plunging head long into the ocean. At 200 yards offshore the broken headlight begins to leak.)

Ray: We’re taking on water!

Paul: What the hell?

Ray: It’s the headlight; it’s leaking!

Paul: Well turn it off!

(At 400 yards offshore the broken windshield begins to leak. Paul turns to yell at Tracy.)

Paul: Nice throw Nolan Ryan, YOU GOT ANY IDEAS WHAT TO DO NOW???!!!

Tracy: Turn on the windshield wipers!

(At 600 yards offshore the bus disappears beneath the waves. Panic ensues.)

Paul: OH MY GOD, WE’RE SINKING!!!

Tracy: It’s a submarine, it’s supposed to sink!

Paul: IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FULL OF WATER!!!

Tracy: Y’know, my dad never did like being in a submarine when he was in the Navy.

Paul: I DON’T WANNA DIE LIKE THIS!!!

(Ray gets on the intercom to try and calm everybody down.)

Ray: Please remain calm. Remember that in the event of a water landing your seat will act as a floatation device.

Paul: WILL THE SEATS KEEP THE BUS AFLOAT???!!!

Ray: Probably not.

Paul: WELL THEN THE SEATS ARE LOUSY ACTORS!!!

Anita: Piston, if you’re still listening it appears that we’re all going to drown!

Paul: DON’T SAY THAT, WE DON’T WANT ANY BAD PUBLICITY!!!

Anita: I thought you said there’s no such thing as bad publicity.

Paul: WHY THE HELL IS IT THAT PEOPLE ONLY QUOTE ME WHEN I’M WRONG???!!!

(Anita, now only concerned with her own survival, decides to take action.)

Anita: MAY DAY, MAY DAY, THIS IS THE SNOTILUS… WE’RE…

(It suddenly occurs to Anita just how funny the name Snotilus really is and she now finds herself laughing in the face of death. Meanwhile, Paul has resumed yelling at Tracy.)

Paul: I hope you’re proud of yourself! You broke the windshield and now we’re all going to die!

Tracy: You started it by breaking the headlight with a bottle of Champagne! YOU SAID YOU QUIT DRINKING!!!

Paul: I DID QUIT DRINKING; I DIDN’T WANT TO DIE!!!

Tracy: WELL A LOT OF GOOD THAT DID, DIDN’T IT???!!!

(Suddenly, JD breaks in on the intercom.)

JD: This is the Pool Room, please turn off the water… the pool is full.

Tracy: Pull out the plug!

JD: What?

Tracy: Pull out the plug in the pool!

JD: But then all the water will run out.

Tracy: Don’t worry, it’ll be full again in a minute.

Paul: And just how in the hell is pulling the plug out of the swimming pool going to save us?

Tracy: Simple, the water will go down the drain.

Paul: We’re underwater now, the water pressure will force the water back up the drain, you idiot!

JD: Uuuuuh, the swimming pool isn’t draining. Instead there’s a huge geyser shooting water up out of the drain!

Tracy: That’s okay, the pool will catch it!

Paul: CAN THE POOL HOLD A WHOLE OCEAN???!!!

Tracy: Y’know, this negative attitude of yours is really starting to piss me off!

Paul: My negative attitude? MY NEGATIVE ATTITUDE???!!! We’re sinking and you’re trying to solve the problem by draining the swimming pool!

Ray: Actually, we’ve stopped sinking.

Paul: You mean we’re floating back up to the surface?

Ray: No, I mean we’re on the bottom of the ocean and we can’t sink any further.

Tracy: JD, open the door to the Pool Room!

JD: Uuuuuh, okay…

Paul: And what good is opening the door going to do?

Tracy: Simple, we let the water flow down the hallway, down the stairs, and drain onto the golf course.

Paul: And what do we do when the golf course gets full?

Tracy: No problem, the water hazards on the golf course all drain into the river which flows back out to the ocean.

Paul: BUT WE’RE ALREADY IN THE OCEAN!!!

Tracy: Fine…

(Tracy gets on the intercom.)

Tracy: Bridge to the Cruise Director, please report.

(Meanwhile, Tim, whose hiding place is now underwater, reluctantly answers.)

Tim: What do you want?

Tracy: Report to the Bridge, and bring a bucket.

Tim: A bucket? What for?

Tracy: To bail water, why else would you need a bucket?

Tim: Wouldn’t that be a futile effort? There’s already five feet of water in the sitting room.

Tracy: What are you doing in the sitting room?

Tim: Standing to keep my head above water.

Paul: OKAY, THIS IS ENTIRELY TOO SILLY!!! I’M LEAVING!!!

(Paul opens the door to go outside. A wall of water pushes him back in. Meanwhile, Anita has finally regained her composure.)

Anita: Piston, if you’re still listening could you please call the Coast Guard or the Navy, or somebody that actually knows what the hell their doing? Meanwhile, this is Anita Bier sending it back to the RFU studios.)

Piston: Wow folks! This has got to be the worst mess The Paulie Family has ever gotten themselves into! Can the Navy or Coast Guard really do anything to help before time and air run out on the bus? I don’t know! I guess you’ll all just have to join us here again next time for Radio Free Urine!

THE END

Credits: Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter
Attorney at Log

Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon
Band Leader, Lead and Rhythm Guitars,
Script Ideas.

Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher
Road Manager, Cruise Director, Script Ideas.

JD (Don’t Know What The D Stands For) Sears
Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, Conga Player,
Script Ideas.

Also appearing were Anita Bier and Ray (Gaseous) Clay.

The Blazers Stink

2006-04-21T11:54:00.000-07:00

The Blazers Stink (Hosted by Angry Bald Man)

Yes, that’s right folks, the Portland Trailblazers stink. Just how stinky are they? Well let’s examine the facts:

1. They finished the season with a record of 21-61, the stinkiest record in the entire NBA.
2. Even the Los Angeles Clippers, one of the stinkiest teams in the history of the NBA, finished with a better record than the Blazers.
3. They lost their last 8 games in a row, and 33 of their last 37 games.
4. They averaged 88.8 points per game versus 98.3 for their opponents.
5. 8 out of 14 Blazers shot less than 70% from the free throw line for the season.
6. 4 out of 14 Blazers shot less than 30% from 3-point range for the season.
7. Their leader in assists only averaged 4.5 per game.
8. Only 3 Blazers played in more than 70 games this season.
9. Despite Nate McMillan having previous success as an NBA coach, a coach is only as good as the players he has available.

And so the question remains… What good has come of all this? Well for one thing, the Blazers didn’t make the playoffs, so now we don’t have to see or hear about how stinky they are until next season.

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

Ask Log

2006-04-05T13:25:00.000-07:00

Yes folks, it’s time once again for that portion of the program that we like to call Ask Log. That’s right folks, now all of your log-related questions can be addressed right here. No question is too difficult or too silly for Log. Log knows all; Log tells all.

Before Log takes the first question, Log would like to address the concerned citizens of Earth who have been writing in to express their outrage at the theft of Jerry Garcia’s toilet. Take it away Log…

“People of the full latrines… I AM LOG!!! And I have returned. Ever since the diabolical theft of the late Jerry Garcia’s toilet my office here in my porcelain Palace Acrapolis has been inundated by a deluge of cards and letters from outraged Deadheads demanding that some sort of action be taken. You can all rest assured that Log (I AM LOG!!!) is not sitting down on the job.

At first I considered suggesting the offering of some sort of reward, but it seems that rewards of $250-$300 are already being offered. This made me wonder… What would be a proper monetary reward for such an esteemed piece of bathroom furniture? After checking with some experts from the Antiques Log Show I discovered that an average brand new toilet can sell for anywhere between $160 to $850 dollars. In contrast, a brand new urinal sells for an average of between $40 to $900 dollars, but we’re not dealing with urinals here.

However, the cost of a toilet is completely meaningless unless it’s been used by a well-known celebrity, and in this case the toilet of Jerry Garcia recently sold at auction for $2, 550.00. This would lead me to believe that a reward of only $300 will cause the guilty culprit to hold out for a bigger reward. This in turn makes me wonder whether or not the faithful Deadheads of the world are willing to see their favorite guitar player’s toilet held for ransom, and I figure the answer is a resounding “NO!”

Therefore, this leaves only one course of action, and that’s to determine the identity of the evil crapper napper, and apprehend him or her before the toilet can sustain any damage that might reduce its fair market value. And so, I’ve ordered my Commode Investigation Agency (CIA) to take over the case and launch a worldwide toilet hunt, and I’ve given them explicit orders not to leave any toilet seat unlifted until the toilet in question is returned to its rightful owner.

I AM LOG!!! I stink, therefore I am."

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

The Blood & Bath Movie Review

2006-03-29T12:37:00.000-08:00

The Blood & Bath Movie Review 2006

Meet The Feebles (1989 New Zealand)

Directed by Peter Jackson

Meet The Feebles was director Peter Jackson’s second movie, sandwiched in between Bad Taste and Dead/Alive. This movie can best be described as The Muppets all grown up and suffering from the ill-effects of adulthood. This movie is referred to by many critics as a “gross out comedy,” but it’s really not all that gross compared to some of the other movies we’ve reviewed.

The plot? Yes, oddly enough there is a plot. There’s a show called The Fabulous Feebles Variety Hour, the Feebles are basically animal puppets, and so are all of the crew, director, producer, etc. During the course of rehearsal and the events leading up to air time we learn about the characters. The star of the show is Heidi The Hippo, who has an eating problem. Whenever things don’t go Heidi’s way she runs crying to Bletch, the Walrus producer, who is having an affair with his Cat secretary. Meanwhile there are other cast members with their own personal problems, such as the Rabbit with AIDS, the ex-Vietnam vet Frog who is addicted to Heroin, and a Rat that directs porno movies on the side.

Oddly enough, the most accurate thing about this movie is the behind-the-scenes goings on that are such a big part of Hollywood. If your children ever dream about running away to Hollywood and becoming stars, make them watch Meet The Feebles. Although there’s not a whole lot of ground breaking originality in the script, this movie is a major visual freakout. This would be a great movie to watch on acid. The music isn’t all that brilliant, but I did enjoy the song One Leg Missing.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

The Janitor (2003, USA)

Directed by Andy Signor and TJ Nordaker

This is one of the most absolutely wonderfully awful movies I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot of them. Andy Signor, who co-wrote and co-directed, plays Lionel. Lionel has been a janitor since the age of seven, and he lives along with his janitor partner, Mr. Growbo, in the janitor’s closet of a large corporation (rent free). Lionel takes his job seriously, and he has no tolerance for anybody that doesn’t treat him with proper respect, which is pretty much everybody.

Lionel kills a hell of a lot of people in this movie, all in pretty spectacular ways, and that’s pretty much where all of the seriousness ends. This movie is incredibly funny in so many ways. There’s the bad acting and the even worse special effects. There’s the cameo appearances by Lloyd Kaufman of Troma. There’s the nudity. There’s Lionel’s boss, who has an unusual fixation about STDs. There are no dull moments in this movie.

Eventually Lionel is offered a job as the janitor of a sorority house, which leads to an amazing plot twist and an even more amazing ending.

There are so many wonderful scenes in this movie. There’s the painting with the leg scene, the severed head scene, the destroy the semen scene, and so on. None of these scenes are quite what you would expect from any other movie with similar scenes, and the extra cheesy acting and special effects made me laugh from start to finish.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

Street Trash (1987, USA)

Directed by Jim Muro

Another absolutely wonderfully awful movie. Wonderfully bad acting and wonderfully bad special effects (with the exception of the exploding wino scene) really push this movie over the top.

A liquor store owner discovers a crate hidden away in his basement. The crate is full of pint bottles of Tenafly Viper, a mysterious liquor that was deliberately tainted by the government. The liquor store owner decides to sell Tenafly Viper for $1.00 a bottle, and with a price like that it’s not long before every wino in the neighborhood is buying it up. However, one sip of Tenafly Viper and you immediately begin to melt (with the exception of the wino that explodes for no apparent reason) into the most delightfully colorful mess of paint.

If you live in Portland, Oregon, this movie will remind you of Dignity Village. If you live in Northeast Portland, you’ll swear they filmed this movie at one of those wrecking yards out by the airport.

This movie contains the famous Severed Genital Football scene, which alone is worth the price of admission.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

The Magic Christian (1969, UK)

Directed by Joseph McGrath

What can I say? The Magic Christian ranks right up there with Dr. Strangelove and The Party as one of my favorite Peter Sellers movies. Peter Sellers plays Sir Guy Grand, the richest man in the world. Ringo Starr plays a homeless person named Youngman who gets adopted by Sir Guy. Together they set out putting the snobbish upper class of England in their places by spending huge amounts of money to set up the most bizarre events and circumstances.

Their biggest set up of all is The Magic Christian, the newest and most elite of all luxury liners, and only the elite upper class are allowed the privilege to pay a lot of money to sail on her maiden voyage. And Sir Guy and Youngman certainly take them all for a ride.

There are a lot of cameos in this movie including: Christopher Lee, Spike Milligan, John Cleese, Roman Polanski, Keith Moon, Graham Chapman, Raquel Welch, and Yul Brenner. This movie is fast paced, and if you’ve never seen it before you’ll be flying by the seat of your pants trying to keep up with it.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt

Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

The Paulie Family

2006-03-21T18:41:00.000-08:00

The Paulie Family an entry by JD himself.

This is a story of a son of a Jewish businessman that owned a string of clothing stores. Each son ran a store. I was just locking mine up. It was located downtown; in the part of town slated for re-development. The kind of place that people went upstairs to shoot-up speed. It was a hot blistering evening as I headed the BMW for Spring Valley.
I had a handful of ludes but was in dire need of some Hindu-Kush, and my Spiritual Adviser was just the person that had some. He lived on top of a hill overlooking the valley with views stretching to Mexico. Many psychedelic evenings were spent there.
His house was the last one on the block. Luke the Goose was in the yard as I pulled up. The back door was never locked. Don't know if it even had a lock. And I always let myself in.
I headed down the Kumquat painted hallway. I glanced in the bedroom on the right and there was my Spiritual Adviser, the Reverend J.D. His thin young girl friend, hot, sweaty and naked...Her--- buns up kneeling...Him---wheeling and dealing. I shook my head and continued for the living. "Hi Paul" I heard them both say, with her giggling. "Hell-ooo" I barely replied "God I need a joint."
There where several rolled joints of debris on the rolling tray sitting on the coffee table.
I fired one up. The TV was on but no sound, the Padres were getting their asses kicked by the Giants. Dan Hicks was playing on the stereo.
"How can I miss you if you won't go awayyy..."
I sucked the thick smoke deep into my lungs, slowly exhaling. Then again. And maybe once more. By the time J.D. and Nancy came into the room, the viscous scent of Hindu-Kush enveloped the house.
"Here, suck on this" I said to Nancy as I handed over the roach.
We opened a bottle of Chateau Lynch Bages, popped a pair of ludes to start off the evening.
Part Two: The making of chocolate chip cookies and what we do to a passed out spiritual adviser.

Stay tuned for part two. It gets worse (better actually in the way of more fun)

RFU 2-06

2006-03-17T12:45:00.000-08:00

RFU 2-06 Copyright 3/06 by McCall/Zimmon

Disclaimer: The following program contains material that is guaranteed to offend somebody somewhere. Reader discretion is advised.

Theme Music: They’re not in tune with nature
They’re not in tune with Zen
We thought they finally went away
But now they’re back again
So now for all you folks out there
Who do not have a clue
Here now is Piston McCauffey
The host of RFU…

Piston: Radio Free Urine is on the air! Hello to all you folks out there in radio land, this is your old friend, Piston McCauffey, coming to you from the big building with the statue of naked people out front.

Well we’re expecting Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon and Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall to be here any minute now to talk about The Paulie Family’s newest song, speaking of which, let’s take a look at this week’s Top 10 Pillboard Chart:

1. There Is A Full Beer by The Paulie Family
2. Nashville Cat Litter Boxes by The Lovin’ Shovelful
3. A Boy Named Jew by Johnny Cashewitz
4. Sweaty Betty by The Paulie Family
5. Logs Of War by Stink Floyd
6. Green Liver by Credence Beerwater Regurgitation
7. He Ain’t Sober, He’s My Brother by The Alcohollies
8. Look What They’ve Done To My Schlong, Ma by The New Leakers
9. Urine Love by Wilson Fillups
10. Have You Ever Been Yellow? by Olivia Newton Jaundice

And that’s right folks, The Paulie Family has another #1 song, and let’s listen to it now…

Music: There Is A Full Beer (Sung to the tune of There Is A Mountain by Donovan)

Listen to these lyrics because afterwards there'll be a quiz
Listen to these lyrics because afterwards there'll be a quiz
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz.

The lawn cigar sticks to your shoe to ride into your house with you
The lawn cigar sticks to your shoe to ride into your house with you
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz.

Yawning rainbow, yawning rainbow, yawning rainbow
Please signal Paul
For your sound will tell him where the car is parked
As you splatter on the sidewalk.

Listen to these lyrics because afterwards there'll be a quiz
Listen to these lyrics because afterwards there'll be a quiz
The lawn cigar sticks to your shoe to ride into your house with you
The lawn cigar sticks to your shoe to ride into your house with you.

First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz.
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz
First there is a full beer, then there is no beer left, then you whiz.

Piston: And there you have it folks, the new number one song by The Paulie Family!

(Piston looks up at the clock on the wall.)

Piston: Gee, Paul and Tracy should’ve been here by now. I wonder where they are…

(The phone rings. It’s Paul calling.)

Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!

Paul: Hey, do you have a Yellow Pages handy?

Piston: Paul, is that you?

Paul: Of course it’s me! You were expecting a fat woman complaining about how we always make fun of fat people maybe?

Piston: No, it’s just that I thought you and Tracy were going to be here to talk about the new song.

Paul: Well we were, but first we were going to demonstrate to the rest of the band how the new prison cell on the tour bus is completely escape proof.

Piston: And how did that go?

Paul: Well it’s definitely escape proof, and now we can’t get out.

Piston: You locked yourself in your own prison cell?

Paul: What do you mean I locked myself in my own prison cell? Why do you always assume that just because something really stupid has happened that it must have been my fault?

Piston: Well it’s just that usually…

Paul: Because there are plenty of other people in this band that are just as stupid as I am!

Piston: Well okay, but we never really hear about anyone else in the band being…

Paul: SO ARE YOU INSINUATING THAT I’M THE ONLY ONE IN THE BAND STUPID ENOUGH TO LOCK THE ENTIRE BAND IN A PRISON CELL???!!!

Piston: You locked the entire band in a prison cell?

Paul: YOU SEE, THERE YOU GO AGAIN!!! AUTOMATICALLY ASSUMING THAT THIS IS ALL MY FAULT!!!

Piston: Well then, how did you all get locked in the prison cell?

Paul: I left the keys on the coffee table… NOW DO YOU HAVE A YELLOW PAGES HANDY OR NOT???!!!

Piston: Uuuuuh… Hold on, I’ll look.

(As Piston searches for the Yellow Pages you can hear the following conversation taking place over the speaker phone:)

Paul: Hey, can you guys keep it down? I’m on the phone!

Raisin: You’re not going to do that in here, are you?

Enos: Aye, and why else would they put a toilet in a prison cell?

Paul: Don’t you point that thing at me!

Tracy: Would you hurry up? I have to go too.

Enos: Wait a minute, WHERE’S THE TOILET PAPER???!!!

Raisin: You’re not going to do THAT in here, are you?

Paul: YOU’D BETTER NOT!!!

Enos: THEN YOU SHOULD’VE PUT IN A WINDOW!!!

Tracy: JD, loan him your handkerchief.

JD: What? Why do I have to give him MY HANDKERCHIEF???!!!

Tracy: Well if you weren’t always dressing in a three-piece suit with a handkerchief sticking out of the breast pocket we wouldn’t even know you had a handkerchief, would we?

Paul: This is all Tim’s fault! If he wasn’t always out managing the damn roads he’d be here to go get the keys and let us out!

Tracy: How do you know you wouldn’t have locked him in here too?

Paul: YOU SEE, THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!!! EVERYBODY IS ALWAYS BLAMING ME FOR EVERYTHING!!!

JD: I am NOT giving him my handkerchief!

Tracy: Y’know, if you were more of a team player you might get more lines to say!

Raisin: OH MY GOD, HE IS DOING IT IN HERE!!!

(A loud splash is heard followed by the sound of a toilet flushing.)

Enos: Wheeeeeeeeeeeew! That was a load off my mind!

Raisin: DAMNIT PAUL, WHY DIDN’T YOU PUT A WINDOW IN THIS CELL???!!!

Paul: Because it’s supposed to be ESCAPE PROOF!!!

Tracy: Well thanks to your escape proof cell we can all now BASK HERE IN ENOS’S AFTERGLOW!!!

Enos: Phew! I gotta lay off the haggis!

(The sound of general mayhem and a lot of coughing and gagging can now be heard.)

Raisin: JD, did you give him your handkerchief?

JD: Of course not, nobody is wiping their ass with MY HANDKERCHIEF!!!

Enos: I don’t need your bleedin’ handkerchief anymore!

Raisin: Wait a minute, what did you use to wipe?

Enos: I used the inside of my kilt.

Raisin: Are you kidding me?

Enos: Of course not… see?

Raisin: EEEEEEEEYYYYOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Paul: Did you have to show us that?

Enos: The nosy wench shouldn’t have asked me what I used to wipe with!

Tracy: I’m getting claustrophobic… I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!!!

Anita: Why isn’t there any beer in the refrigerator?

Helena: Why isn’t there a refrigerator in here?

Paul: There is no beer, and no refrigerator. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A PRISON CELL!!!

Anita: This prison cell sucks!

Helena: Yeah, and so does the refrigerator!

Raisin: Aren’t you going to wash your hands?

Enos: Oh, alright! Whoops… I dropped the soap. JD, can you get that for me?

JD: OOOOOOOOOOOH NOOOOOOOOOO!!! You’re not getting my handkerchief and I’m NOT PICKING UP THE SOAP FOR ANYBODY!!!

Enos: Fine, ya’ selfish bastard I’ll get it myself!

Tracy: YOU CAN’T KEEP ME IN HERE YA’ LOUSY COPPERS!!!

Paul: Who are you yelling at?

Tracy: The lousy coppers that put us in here.

Paul: The cops didn’t put us in here, you idiot, I did!

Tracy: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell now… The tables have turned now, haven’t they?

Paul: What are you talking about?

Tracy: You know what they do with cops in prison, don’t you?

Paul: Before you go getting too emotionally involved in your role playing I’d like to remind you that I’M NOT A COP!!!

Tracy: Yeah, well you still keep the po’ man down… ya’ jive ass HONKY!!!

(Everyone goes dead quiet, except for Piston who’s still looking for the Yellow Pages, this is the first time anybody has heard Tracy call Paul a jive ass honky.)

Paul: What did you just call me?

Tracy: You heard me! What’s the matter, you got cracker crumbs in your ears?

Paul: Look, one more word out of you and I’ll have you LYNCHED!!!

(Meanwhile, Piston has located the Yellow Pages.)

Piston: Are you still there Paul?

Paul: Of course I’m still here, I’M LOCKED IN A PRISON CELL!!!

Piston: Well I found the Yellow Pages.

Paul: Good, give me a number for a locksmith.

(Piston shuffles through the pages.)

Piston: Let’s see here… There’s A-1 Locksmith Service, there’s ACME Locksmith Service, there’s Aw Crap, I Locked Myself Out Locksmith Service…

Paul: We’re not locked out, we’re locked in!

(Piston shuffles through some more pages.)

Piston: Okay, how about this one… Aw Crap, I Locked Myself In My Own Prison Cell Locksmith Service. Open 24-7 including all holidays. VISA and MasterCard accepted.

Paul: I don’t have a VISA or MasterCard!

(In the background the following can be heard:)

Tracy: I have VISA and MasterCard!

Paul: Good, we’re going to need it.

Tracy: I want to talk to the big breasted, brown eyed brunette bouncing buoyantly in a babbling brook!

Paul: What are you talking about?

Tracy: Well why else would you need a credit card to talk on the phone?

Paul: You know, it may surprise you to know that there are women on this planet that don’t need a credit card number before they’ll talk to you!

Tracy: Yeah, but all they do is call up to complain about how we’re always making fun of fat people.

(Paul decides to ignore Tracy and go back to talking to Piston.)

Paul: Okay, what’s the number?

Piston: 503-227…

Paul: Wait a minute, I need to write it down!

(In the background you can now hear the following:)

Paul: Hey, does anybody have a pencil or pen?

Enos: Aye, I’ve got one here in my back pocket!

Paul: You mean the back pocket on the kilt you used to wipe your ass?

Enos: Aye, it’s a number two pencil!

Paul: Does anybody ELSE have a pencil or pen?

(No reply. Paul goes back to talking to Piston.)

Paul: Okay, you’re going to have to write it down for me.

(Piston doesn’t see the logic in writing down the phone number for Paul when he’s on the other end of the phone, but he decides to play along anyway.)

Piston: Uuuuuuuuh… Okay then, I’m writing down the number.

Paul: Good, now call them up and send them over to let us out… AND HURRY!!!

Piston: Paul?

Paul: What?

Piston: There’s just one thing I have to ask.

Paul: What’s that?

Piston: If you’re locked in a prison cell how is it that you’re able to make a phone call?

Paul: I’M USING A CELL PHONE, YOU IDIOT!!! NOW HURRY UP AND SEND HELP!!!

(Paul hangs up.)

Piston: Well folks, this show didn’t go at all according to plan. Oh well, it looks like that’s all the time we have for today’s show, so be sure to join us here again next time for Radio Free Urine!

THE END

Credits: Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter
Attorney at Log

Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon
Band Leader, Lead and Rhythm Guitars,
Script Ideas.

Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher
Road Manager, Script Ideas.

JD (Don’t Know What The D Stands For) Sears
Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, Conga Player,
Script Ideas.

Also appearing were The Brass Bras:
Raisin Blisters
Anita Bonghit
Helena Bucket

RFU 1-06

2006-03-01T12:08:00.000-08:00

RFU 1-06 Copyright 2/06 by McCall/Zimmon/Gallagher

Disclaimer: The following program contains material that is guaranteed to offend somebody somewhere. Reader discretion is advised.

Theme Music: They’re not in tune with nature
They’re not in tune with Zen
We thought they finally went away
But now they’re back again
So now for all you folks out there
Who do not have a clue
Here now is Piston McCauffey
The host of RFU…

Piston: Radio Free Urine is on the air! Hello to all you folks out there in radio land, this is your old friend, Piston McCauffey, coming to you from the big building with the statue of naked people out front.

Well after a year-long hiatus The Paulie Family is once again back in the charts. Speaking of which, let’s take a look at this week’s Top 10 Pillboard Chart:

1. Sweaty Betty by The Paulie Family
2. Are You Constipated? by The Jimi Exlax Experience
3. I Can Hear Belching by The Belch Boys
4. Eyes Of The Urinal by The Grateful Drench
5. The Ream Police by Cheap Date
6. I Don’t Want To Soil The Carpet by The Dung Beetles
7. For Your Log by The Yardturds
8. Some Place To Go Whiz by The Jefferson Outhouse
9. I’m Not Your Freakin’ Pharmacist by The Junkees
10. Ichypoo Park by Small Feces

And that’s right folks, after taking a whole year off The Paulie Family is back with another #1 song, and let’s listen to it now…

Music: Sweaty Betty Copyright 1/06 by TM & Co.

I’m gonna tell ya’ a story about a woman I know
She’s got two big feet but only one big toe
She’s a lot of fun when she’s in the mood
But it’s even better when she’s in the nude.

Y’know she has to stand up when she’s takin’ a leak
‘Cos she’s got two big hips, but only one butt cheek
She’s got two big legs and two boney knees
The other guys don’t like her ‘cos she smells like cheese.

Well she gets excited an then she gets wet
And then she climbs on top of me and works up a sweat.

Her name is Sweaty Betty; she’s a real live wire
And I really don’t mind when she starts to perspire
Oh sure, there’s underarm products and she’s tried them all
But they just don’t work, she’s like a waterfall.

She’s only got one ear on the side of her head
It doesn’t bother me none ‘cos she’s great in bed
And in the heat of passion she’ll let out a scream
She keeps me up all night; she’s like a live wet dream.

She’s had a lot of other guys, but she broke all their hearts
She won’t talk about her missing body parts.

YEAH!!!

Sweaty Betty, she’s my girl.
She really gives my heart a whirl.
Come here, baby, we’re gonna boff
And afterwards you can towel off.

Oh yeah.

Piston: And there you have it folks, the new number one song by The Paulie Family! And now here to talk about what they’ve been up to for the past year here are The Paulie Family front men themselves, Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon and Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall!

(Paul and Tracy enter the radio studio)

Piston: Well Paul, how have you been?

Paul: Don’t you start with me!

(For those of you who are new to the show, Paul has never liked Piston’s happy go lucky attitude.)

Piston: Okay then, Tracy, how have you been?

Tracy: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell I’ll tell ya’…

Paul: Hey, wait a minute! I wasn’t finished yet!

Piston: Okay then, Paul…

Paul: Don’t you start with me!

(Piston has grown use to difficulties with Paul, and he’s figured out a way to counter it. Piston poses a generalized question.)

Piston: So what’s new with The Paulie Family?

Paul: It’s about time you finally got to me! Now then, I’m happy to announce that we’ve built a new prison in the tour bus.

Piston: A prison? Why would you need a prison on the tour bus?

Paul: To deal with malcontents within the band, as well as upstarts!

(Tracy springs to his feet.)

Tracy: UPSTARTS???!!!

Paul: Not you, Fatso!

(Paul has actually lost a lot of weight and now actually weighs less than Tracy. Paul has waited for years to get back at Tracy for all the times he’s called Paul Fatso.)

Tracy: Who are you calling Fat…

(Tracy stops and looks around the radio studio and realizes he’s the fattest person in the room.)

Tracy: Never mind.

Paul: Yeah, you’re not so smart anymore, are you?

Tracy: I’m only fatter than you, not dumber.

Paul: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey, wait a minute now…

(The phone rings. It’s the fat woman that’s always calling in to complain about how The Paulie Family is always making fun of fat people. She’s very excited to hear about Tracy being fatter than Paul.)

Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!

Fat Woman: I just wanted to congratulate Tracy for finally becoming a member of the gravitationally challenged.

Tracy: Gravitationally challenged?

Fat Woman: Yeah, you know, those of us who are more greatly affected by the pull of gravity due to the mass of our bodies?

Tracy: You mean fat people?

Fat Woman: Yes, now that you’re one of us maybe you can be like our celebrity spokesman.

Tracy: Well that depends. How much do you weigh?

Fat Woman: I’m all the way down to 368 pounds!

Tracy: All the way down from where?

Fat Woman: 370 pounds.

Tracy: And how long did it take you to lose both of those pounds?

Fat Woman: 12 weeks.

Tracy: 12 weeks? Wow! At that rate you should reach your ideal body weight in 25 years!

Fat Woman: One day at a time, that’s my motto. So are you interested in being a celebrity spokesman?

Tracy: Well I hate to tell you this but…

(Tracy pauses for a minute.)

Tracy: No, on second thought I’m going to enjoy telling you this. You’re still going to be a lot fatter than I am for a hell of a long time! So long, poster girl!

(Tracy hangs up.)

Piston: So, getting back to the new prison…

Paul: That’s right, we have a new prison on the tour bus. Now we don’t have to worry about band members jumping ship in the middle of a tour.

Piston: Is The Paulie Family going to tour again?

Paul: Of course! We have our road manager working on it right now. Which reminds me, where in the hell is Tim?

(The phone rings again. This time it’s Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher, the Paulie Family road manager.)

Piston: Radio Free Urine, you’re on the air!

Tim: Why are you guys always talking about me when I’m not there?

Paul: Because you’re never here! You’re supposed to be the road manager, where the hell are you?

Tim: I’m on the road, where else would I be? I’m the road manager, remember?

Paul: Well then why don’t you clue in all of our fans and tell us what you’ve been doing on the road?

Tim: I’d be glad to! I’ve been out managing the roads. Last summer, as you recall, was extremely hot. This made all the roads soft and dry. Then hurricanes and tornadoes blew like crazy and the dry, fly-away roads went every which way, tangling them into knots and threatening dreadlock-like gridlocks.

(Paul turns to Tracy.)

Paul: Do you have any idea what he’s talking about?

Tracy: Don’t look at me, you hired him.

Tim: And of course, being the road manager it is my duty to make the roads more manageable; so, modeling my idea on the tour bus, I designed and assembled the largest spray bottle of leave-in conditioner in the history of Man.

Paul: I swear to God, I’m never hiring another bald person as long as I live, even if I don’t live that long! WOULD YOU JUST TELL US WHAT YOU’VE BEEN DOING ALL THIS TIME???!!!

Tim: All this time I have been out spraying America's roads, easing the tangles and leaving them shiny and manageable. If you look at a current map of the United States, you will see the difference from even a few months ago. America looked ratted, man; but now it's virtually tangle-free and traffic is moving smoothly – a necessity with gas prices as steep as they are.

Tracy: He does have a good point there.

(Piston pulls out his brand new Rand-McNally road map and opens it up.)

Piston: And just look how shiny the roads are!

(Paul is determined not to let things get out of hand like in the old days when chaos ruled. So he pulls out a gun.)

Paul: Now everybody just hold it right there!

Piston: Paul, you have a gun?

Paul: Not just any gun, this is a .44 magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and it will blow your head clean off! What do you think about that?

Tracy: Nice Clint Eastwood impersonation!

Paul: Shut up!

(Paul waves the gun around in a menacing manner.)

Paul: Now I’m gonna warn you all right now… I DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE THIS!!! There’s gonna be some changes around here, starting with some of the personnel!

Tracy: You can’t change the personnel!

(Paul sticks the gun barrel in Tracy’s face.)

Paul: That’s what you think! First of all I’m firing Stoney (Killer) Green!

Tracy: What for?

Paul: For providing inferior smokable products!

Tracy: And who in the hell is going to play bass?

Paul: Enos McPenis can play bass!

Tracy: Enos McPenis can’t play bass.

Paul: And why the hell not?

Tracy: Because he doesn’t know how.

(Paul ponders that thought for a moment.)

Paul: I don’t care! I’m tired of him sitting at the keyboards and letting the audience look up his kilt! I’M THE BANDLEADER AND I WANT THE AUDIENCE TO STARE AT ME IN WIDE-EYED DISGUST!!! So Enos can just stand up and play like the rest of us!

(JD ((Don’t know what the D stands for)) Sears, the conga player and Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, walks into the radio studio.)

Piston: Hey everybody, it’s JD (Don’t know what the D stands for) Sears!

Paul: Hey JD, check it out. I took your advice and bought a gun!

(Tracy turns to JD.)

Tracy: You advised Paul to BUY A GUN???!!!

JD: Don’t worry, I make sure he keeps it unloaded. That way he’s able to feel more confident and in control without doing anything stupid.

Paul: Yeah, it’s not even loaded, so don’t soil your athletic supporter! And anyway I’m not stupid enough to actua… aaah… AAAAACHOOOOO!!!

(As Paul sneezes his fingers contract and make him squeeze the trigger on the .44 magnum, which during a drunken stupor Paul made sure it wasn’t loaded but needed a safe place to keep the bullets so he stored them back in the gun for safekeeping. The recoil sends the gun barrel crashing into Paul’s forehead, knocking him unconscious. As he falls to the floor the bullet smashes its way through the window, across the street, and into a Wal-Mart parking lot where the sound of breaking glass, car alarms, dogs barking, women screaming, and babies crying can now be heard.)

(Tracy turns to JD.)

Tracy: AND YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING???!!!

JD: Y’know, this Spiritual Advisor crap is a real pain in the ass! And I’m not referring to that time I got shot in the butt!

Tracy: You know the rules. You’re his Spiritual Advisor, so you have to drag him back to the bus when he’s unconscious!

JD: Can’t we just wait till he wakes up?

Tracy: And find out how many more bullets he’s got? No way, YOU GET HIM OUT OF HERE NOW!!!

(JD reluctantly drags Paul away.)

Piston: Well Tracy, it looks like everything’s back to normal with The Paulie Family!

(Meanwhile, Tim is still on the phone.)

Tim: Can I hang up now?

Tracy: Don’t hang up yet, I have a special guest!

Piston: You brought a special guest?

Tracy: Oh yeah, I brought my dad in to tell everybody the joke he told me on Christmas.

(Tracy’s dad walks into the radio studio and lights a cigarette. For those of you who have never met Tracy’s dad, he’s really good at telling jokes.)

Tracy’s Dad: Was that Paul I saw being dragged down the hall?

Tracy: Yeah.

Tracy’s Dad: What’s wrong with him?

Tracy: He had a gun.

(Tracy’s dad frowns in disapproval; he used to be a Hunter Safety Instructor.)

Tracy: Okay dad, tell them your joke!

Tracy’s Dad: Four women decide they want to become nuns. So they all go down to the cathedral to ask the Priest how to go about it. The Priest tells them to all stand in a line facing the Holy Water. He tells the women that before they can become nuns they must cleanse all of the sin from their bodies. He then asks the first woman to step forward. She steps forward and the Priest says “Tell me child, have you ever touched a man’s penis?

The woman replies “Yes Father.”

The priest says “Then you must place the finger you touched it with in the Holy Water and cleanse it of sin.”

She does so and the Priest tells her to take her place back in line.

The priest tells the second woman to step forward and says “Tell me child, have you ever grabbed a man’s penis?”

The woman replies “Yes Father.”

The priest says “Then you must place the hand you grabbed it with in the Holy Water and cleanse it of sin.”

She does so and the Priest tells her to take her place back in line.

The Priest is just about to call the third woman forward when the fourth woman speaks up and says “Excuse me, Father, but do the rest of us have to cleanse our bodies of sin this way?”

The Priest replies “Yes, my child.”

The woman replies back “In that case, Father, can I gargle the Holy Water now before Bertha sticks her butt in it?”

(Piston presses the Rim Shot button on his sound effect board. Tracy’s dad lights another cigarette and walks out of the studio. Tim can be heard laughing hysterically over the phone.)

Piston: Well Gee, Tracy. Maybe we should have your dad on the show more often.

Tracy: That’s not really a good idea. He doesn’t like loud music unless it’s bagpipes, and if he and Enos ever get together...

(Both Tracy and Piston pause for a moment to have flashbacks of their childhoods involving bagpipe music. They both shudder violently. Meanwhile, Tim is still on the phone.)

Tim: Hey, if anybody’s listening I have to go now. It takes forever to shake this bottle of conditioner well before using.

(Tim hangs up. Tracy turns to Piston.)

Tracy: Anything else?

Piston: Nope.

Tracy: In that case, I’m outta here!

(Tracy leaves the studio.)

Piston: Well folks, it looks like that’s all the time we have for today’s show, so be sure to join us here again next time for Radio Free Urine!

THE END

Credits: Tracy (Never Had A Nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter
Attorney at Log

Paul (Refuses To Have A Nickname) Zimmon
Band Leader, Lead and Rhythm Guitars,
Script Ideas.

Tim (Has Too Many Nicknames) Gallagher
Road Manager, Script Ideas.

JD (Don’t Know What The D Stands For) Sears
Paul’s Spiritual Advisor, Conga Player,
Script Ideas.

Tracy’s Dad appeared courtesy of a pitcher of beer and a carton of cigarettes.

The Paulie Family

2006-02-17T23:32:00.000-08:00

The Paulie Family

We are the Mooninites. We have come to this blog to smoke in non-smoking areas. (yeah, We're going to SMOKE !). Now let's go the mall and steal that new boom box you've always wanted. (yeah, let's steal it!)
That's a good smoker. (yeah. He's a thief too).

Be sure to smoke while you're stealing things. (YEAH !!!)

The Blood & Bath Movie Review

2006-02-16T16:11:00.000-08:00

The Blood & Bath Movie Review Starring Paul Blood and Tracy Bath Copyright 2005

Yes folks, at long last here it is… The Blood & Bath Movie Review Starring Paul Blood and Tracy Bath. In order to make this as enjoyable as possible for everyone here are a few ground rules:

1. Don’t bother writing in and telling us what you think of the movies we review. We don’t give a flying fart what you think about them.

2. Don’t bother writing in and suggesting movies for us to review. We’ll review whatever damn movies we feel live up to the code of “Absolutely Most Tasteless, Disgusting and Disturbing”. After all, anybody who knows us by now should be fully aware that we can make that judgment call without any feedback from amateurs.

3. Just for the record, “Absolutely Most Tasteless, Disgusting and Disturbing” can include any movie that has attained Cult status. Movies that have anything to do with zombies, cannibalism, wholesale slaughter of human beings with any of a wide array of weapons and tools (mechanical or not), bathroom humor (both the childish and the more full-blown version that we’re so widely known and adored for), or just basically any movie that you would never consider letting your mother watch are the sort of movies that fall into this category.

4. “Absolutely Most Tasteless, Disgusting and Disturbing” should not be confused with pornography or snuff films, although the movies that we will be reviewing tend to have a hell of a lot of nudity, graphic sexual situations, and wholesale slaughter of human beings with any of a wide array of weapons and tools (mechanical or not).

Paul and I will be reviewing our first round of films this weekend, and we’ll begin providing our feedback on them throughout the week. So don’t any of you folks out there settle for movie reviews by people that don’t know what they’re talking about.

We’ll gladly be providing all the information you need in order to make the decision of “Can I let my kids watch this movie?” and “Should I make sure my wife is out of town before I rent this movie?” And just for the record… the odds are none of the movies we’ll be reviewing are recommended for viewing by anyone under the age of 18, or spouses and significant others that you may be hoping will never leave you.

On the other hand, if you really are hoping that your spouse or significant other will leave you and take the damn kids with them, then these are the movies you’ll want to check out.

Tracy (Never had a nickname) McCall
Head Writer,
Singer, Songwriter,
and Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

***

Dead or Alive (some things won’t stay down…..even after they die)

The goriest film of all time----New York Daily News

Starring Timothy Balme, Timothy Who ??

Well, Tracy I have to give this one thumb up (yer butt) This is a saga of zombies that just don't know when to quit. After exhausting every method of killing zombies known to mankind, the insides of such said zombies still refuse to give up the ship.

The special effects of this internal organ wretching excuse for a movie is nothing short of spectacular. I won't elaborate on the final scene but I will say a gasoline powered lawn mower is involved. It is also impressive to know that 17 truck loads of animal guts were used in the actual filming.

Nothing like real guts to make it real, really. So I would have to say this is truly a must see. If you're a dark minded person that's run out of drugs then this movie is for you. Even if you still have drugs and beer you'd probably like this movie even more.

Paul Blood
Blood & Bath Productions
Portland, OR
copyright 2005 Blood and Bath Productions, Our motto, If you step in shit you'll smell like it.

***

Dead Alive (1992, New Zealand)

Directed by Peter Jackson

Paul, how many times must I tell you… it’s Dead Alive, not Dead or Alive!

Director Peter Jackson earned Cult Status early in his career by directing movies such as Bad Taste, Meet The Feebles, and this wonderfully tasteless masterpiece – Dead Alive. Any respectable fan of Cult Films has seen this movie, and would gladly see it again. If you love those movies that are so full of blood and gore that you can’t help laughing, then this is the movie for you.

This movie begins with the capture of a Sumatran Rat Monkey, and if you get bitten or scratched by this monkey you’re in big trouble. Eventually, the monkey is taken to a zoo in New Zealand where it winds up biting the over-bearing mother (played by Elizabeth Moody) of the main character, Lionel (played by Timothy Balme). Things get interesting real soon after that, and the rest of the movie is a non-stop, fast paced, hilarious blood and gore fest. If there’s a moral to this movie, then it must be… This is why grown men shouldn’t live with their mothers.

This movie is packed full of memorable scenes such as the creepy veterinarian, the Kung Fu Catholic priest, the birth of a baby zombie, the wonderful lawn mower scene, and the hilarious rebirth scene. One of my personal favorite lines in the whole movie is when Paquita (played by the lovely Diana Penalver) cries

“Your mother ate my dog!” to which Lionel replies

“Not all of it… see?”

If you love over-the-top acting and special effects then this is a must-have movie in any Cult fans collection. This movie is #2 on Tracy’s Favorite All-time Absolutely Most Tasteless, Disgusting and Disturbing Movies list.

Tracy’s Rating = One full thumb up the butt.

Tracy (Never had a nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter,
and Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

***

Reefer Madness (1938, USA)

Directed by Louis J. Gasnier

One of the all-time best known Cult Classics, this movie was originally a serious attempt at warning the public about the “dangers of reefer addiction.” It also demonstrates what happens when people who don’t know what they’re talking about are allowed to talk anyway.

During the early ‘70s this movie attained Cult Status for its dated lingo, exaggerated over-the-top acting, and just plain misinformation. The fact that all of the so-called “teenagers” are played by people who are obviously all over the age of 30 also adds to the entertainment value. For the most part, this movie is in no way brilliant. It’s only redeeming quality is its propaganda point of view, and the fact that there are still people on this planet who take it seriously. Otherwise, the exaggeration of the acting is the only thing that makes this movie remotely funny. If you understand this ahead of time you’ll probably enjoy this movie.

If you enjoy this movie you’ll probably want to check out The Cocaine Fiends (1936) and, Maniac/Narcotic (1934). Rating = ½ a thumb up the butt.

Tracy (Never had a nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter,
and Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

***

Reefer Madness (1938, USA)

"colorized version"

Well, I have to agree with all of Tracy's commentary. This is a cheap propaganda movie from a long time ago. The colorized version is interesting because every time the so-called actors take a hit off a joint the smoke comes out in beautiful shades of pastel colors, such as orange for one person's smoke and purple for another one's.

The most famous star in this movie is the judge. This actor also played the judge in the "Three Stooges" classic short, "Disorder In The Court". Too bad he's not mentioned in the credits of either film. I'm giving the black and white version one half thumb up the butt and the colorized version a full thumb up the butt. (be sure to clean your thumb nails after watching any of these films).

Paul Blood
Blood & Bath Productions Portland, OR

***

Monsturd (2003, USA)

Well just when you thought you’d seen it all, especially after seeing the Turd People in Flesh Gordon Meets The Cosmic Cheerleaders, along come this little gem of a movie. Yes folks, the title says it all, and if you’re expecting an epic motion picture with an unlimited budget and well known actors then you’re in for a real disappointment. On the other hand, if you’re expecting to see one of the most cheapest and cheesiest movies ever made all chock full of bathroom humor then you’re in for a real treat.

Escaped serial killer, Jack Schmitt, is hiding in the sewage treatment plant when something really bad happens in a nearby laboratory. The laboratory simply dumps the problem into the sewage system, which then takes a dump in Jack’s hiding place. Nothing could possibly survive such a horrible fate! Well to make a long story short, Jack winds up evolving into a psychotic killer/poo man. This may sound like a pretty absurd concept for a movie to some people, but if you’re a really sick, twisted individual like me then you’ll really love the humor in this movie.

My favorite line from the movie…

Girl: Daddy, there’s a big number two in the bathroom!

Dad: Daddy’s proud of you sweetheart.

Rating = One full thumb up the butt.

Tracy (Never had a nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter,
and Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

***

Monsturd

made recently (just ask Log).

I have to tell you all that I didn't take a dump for a week after seeing that movie. Well, I'm back to pooing now but I always leave the lights on while I'm doing it. This creature, half man half human dropping, attacks by coming out of the toilet to devour his (it's) victims. This movie is a good argument for leaving the toilet seat down. And here I thought all my ex-girlfriends were just being nagging bitches when they kept telling me to close the lid on the toilet after I was done using it. Now I realize they were only looking out for my safety (pun intended)

All in all I thought this movie was a piece of crap (no pun intended). I had a shitty time watching it. (pun intended). This movie was a real stinker. (insert pun intended joke here). I was disappointed that a turd could be the star of a movie and not one mention of urine through out the film. I'm giving this one a full thumb up the butt. It's just that bad. It's so shitty it's, it's, it's well, SHITTY. Which was the whole idea anyway. Be sure to clean your finger nails after removing thumb.

Paul Blood
Blood & Bath Productions Portland, OR

***

Link Wray at The Tractor in Seattle

Okay, this review has nothing to do with movies, but Link Wray deserves a review here. I know there are a lot of Heathens out there that have never heard of Link Wray, and they’re probably thinking “If he’s such a great legend, why isn’t he in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame?” Well folks, let me tell you something… Link Wray doesn’t need to be in any stinking Rock & Roll Hall of Fame – Link Wray IS THE ROCK & ROLL HALL OF FAME!!!

Back in 1958 Link recorded an instrumental called Rumble. To this day it’s the only instrumental in the history of Rock & Roll to be banned. That’s right folks, an instrumental – banned. Now days, at the ripe old age of 76, Link still occasionally tours the states. And what about the show? Well folks, I’ll say this much… It was the shortest show I’ve ever seen, but it was also one of the best shows I’ve ever seen.

I’ve never before seen a man so old and frail do so much in so little time, and while his whole show barely lasted 30 minutes I loved every second of it. And the ringing in my ears really helped to blot out Paul’s incessant babbling all the way back from Seattle.

Rating: One full thumb up the butt + an ass kick to boot.

Tracy (Never had a nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter,
and Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

***

"Back in 1958 Link recorded an instrumental called Rumble"

wrong again Tonto. Rumble was recorded in 1954 and did not chart until late 1957. By mid 1958 it had sold one million copies. And another thing, I was too busy driving home to bother talking to you. and Link played 39 minutes total and that does not count the 4 songs we had to sit through by his absoultly awful back up band. Why was Link hanging out with a Dime Store Elvis????

Link played 6 songs, seven if you count the fact that he played "Jack the Ripper" twice. But you are correct Tonto. The time Link spent playing his guitar was magic. I wonder why he threw his guitar on the floor twice?

Paul Blood aka Imposter
Paul Paulie Family Productions Vancouver, WA

***

Okay Fatso, let's get the story straight...

1956 In Fredricksburg, Virginia a fight broke out in the audience and while onstage, like a bolt of lightening, Link got the idea for the instrumental Rumble. 1958 On St. Patrick’s day Link recorded Rumble on a one track Grundig with brother Doug on drums and Shorty on stand up bass.

Link Wray is known for being the first musician to experiment with the sounds that pioneered rock and roll and punk styles. Link virtually invented fuzz tone by deliberately punching holes in his amplifier speakers. He was also a true pioneer of the use of distortion on instrumental rock recordings.

In the spring of ’58, Rumble was released and quickly rocketed to the top 20. Voted the #1 Rock Instrumental of all time by the Book Of Rock Lists (Dell/Rolling Stone Press) So it's YOU WHO ARE WRONG!!! Take that... Fatso!

Tracy (Never had a nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter,
and Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

***
FOOTNOTE:

It is with great sadness that we inform you that Link Wray passed away from heart failure at his home in Denmark on November 5, 2005. He was buried after a private service at Christians Church in Copenhagen Denmark on November 18, 2005.

Link was a Korean War veteran and very proud of his service to the United States of America.
Link Wray played music for over sixty years, always staying true to himself. Not settling for the "oldies circuit", Link continued to release new music throughout his career. He recently completed a lengthy tour of the states just four short months before his death.

Link Wray laid the foundation of rock and roll guitar, influencing the likes of Pete Townshend, Bob Dylan and Neil Young, as well as hundreds of thousands of musicians and millions of fans all over the world.

Punk rock, grunge, garage, rock guitar, surf, heavy metal and more...it all started with Link Wray. He shared the stage with Patsy Cline and Bruce Springsteen...and just about everyone in between. He is truly an unsung hero of rock and roll.

Link's "Jesus God" has called him home and Heaven is rocking a whole lot harder tonight.

Rest in Peace Link.

Greg Laxton www.WraysShack3Tracks.com

***

Amazon Women in the Avocado Jungle.

Here is a movie to avoid at all costs. It is not funny, though it tries to be. The plot if you can locate one is stupid, rid the jungle of sex starved women who just love to kill men after they’ve fucked them. Considering how the real world is, this is not a far fetched description of reality.

Except the Amazon Jungle is located outside of San Bernardino in an area of California that is not known for it’s rain forest environment. Just desert and rattlesnakes. But forget that. After 25 or so painful minutes of watching this film try to be funny things take a drastic turn for the worse when co-star Bill (the not funny diarrhea guy) Maher arrives on the scene and makes the film even worse than it was before.

Trying way too hard to be funny he only comes off as an arrogant wanna be comedy star that is not only not funny, but makes you want to puke thinking that he makes more money than all of us put together…This is a thumb down into a rat’s asshole which is my lowest rating that I can think of without killing myself for wasting my time trying to watch this complete loser. My advise. Don’t rent it. Unless of course you just love to throw good money out the window.

Paul Blood

***

Cannibal Women In The Avocado Jungle Of Death (1989, USA)

Directed by J.D. Athens and J.F. Lawton

Goddammit Paul, get the title right! It’s Cannibal Women In The Avocado Jungle Of Death!

Now then, with a title like that this movie had so much potential. Yes, I knew it would be bad; practically to the point of downright stupid. Unfortunately, I was more right than wrong. The premise is good. The world’s largest supply of avocados is located in the avocado belt, which covers most of Southern California.

However, deep in the heart of the avocado belt is the Avocado Jungle of Death, which is inhabited by the Piranha Women, who after mating with their men, kill them and eat them. These women are a threat to the world’s avocado supply. Playboy centerfold, Shannon Tweed, is sent to work out a deal with the Piranha Women. Accompanying her is Karen Mistal (from Return of The Killer Tomatoes).

Everything is working okay in this movie so far… and then Bill Maher shows up. Suddenly the humor is reduced to nothing more than sexist wisecracks and cheap, clumsy sight gags. Adrienne Barbeau plays the leader of the Piranha Women, but even that doesn’t save this movie. Overall, there is very little nudity, no cannibalism, and no blood and gore in this movie, but even if there had been it wouldn’t have helped much.

The directors worked way too hard to make this a potential cult classic, but it just doesn’t have the pizzazz to make it so.

Rating = No thumb anywhere near the butt.

Tracy (Never had a nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter,
and Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

***

Movie review---- Grand Pa Ganja's Marijuana Guide for Seniors (the movie !)

Now here is an informative and straight forward instruction guide for those of us who are getting on in their years. Grand Pa Ganja shows the senior citizen who to roll, smoke and score for your local Hell's Angles. Another aspect is the scientific proof presented in a way that leaves no shadow of a doubt that marijuana is a life giving medicine that also makes you feel groovy.

We are all going to get old someday and know how to keep up your pot connections is vital to continued comfort that aging can sometimes take away. You're as old as you feel. And if you're stoned on pot you feel stoned, not old. This is an extra that runs about 35 minutes or so and you can find it as a bonus when and if you order Reefer Madness on DVD which also contains a colorized version as well as the original black and white version.

I give Grand Pa Ganja's Marijuana Guide for Senior Citizens my highest (no pun intended) rating. One clean thumb up the butt. A must see by all means.

Paul Blood.

***

Grandpa Ganja's Marijuana Handbook (Date unknown)

Director unknown

You say you’re retired and now you have way too much time on your hands? Well then, maybe what your tired aging body needs is that miracle medicine – marijuana! But wait, you don’t know what marijuana is? You don’t know where to get it? You don’t know how to use it? Well just sit back and let Grandpa Ganja tell you all about it.

This short film is a real hoot. What Reefer Madness is in an anti-marijuana exploitative way, Grandpa Ganja's Marijuana Handbook is the pro-marijuana exploitation film. Grandpa Ganja answers all your questions like where to buy marijuana (just stop any Hell’s Angel on the street; he’ll be able to help you out), and how to grow marijuana (just throw the seeds over your neighbor’s fence. That way he’ll get busted instead of you), and so on.

This film is a wonderful extra addition included in the restored DVD version of Reefer Madness.

Rating = One full thumb up the butt.

Tracy (Never had a nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter,
and Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

***

Enter The Lone Ranger (1949, USA)

Director unknown

The original television pilot starring Clayton Moore and Jay Silverheels. A wildly popular TV show in its day, this is the first episode that shows just why the hell a guy would wear a mask, never kill anybody, and ride around with an Indian while enforcing the law of the wild west.

Although this is by no means a great movie, it’s a great example of just how cheaply movies were done back then. Yes, this movie has it all: Bad acting, hats that never fall off, guns that never run out of bullets, and people riding horses past that same rock formation over and over again. Nevertheless, I still enjoyed this movie. It’s a rare look at the beginning of one of America’s greatest television good guy heroes.

Rating = One full thumb up the butt.

Tracy (Never had a nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter,
and Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

***

Enter The Lone Ranger, (the original television pilot)

Starring Clayton Moore and Jay Silverheels as Tonto.

Upon a rummage through the Dollar Store I happened along a DVD that said it had 2 Dick Tracy detective movies, probably from the late forties to early 50's. BUT, to my surprise inside the case there were no Dick Tracy movies. Instead there was a DVD of the original LONE RANGER television pilot.

This film showed how cheesy the standard of acting was way back in the 50's. The acting and directing is completely cheap and meant to churn out profits for the TV networks in the form of advertising. All of a sudden kids were Kooko for Kooko Craps and frosted sugar was the Ritalin of it's day. So the world has not change that much. And what changes have occurred have been giant leaps back to the same old mistakes.

Too bad the Lone Ranger was just a fictional character. We could really use a Lone Ranger type character to take back this country from the neo-con-men that somehow slip through he cracks and wind up in the White House back rooms giving blow jobs to that Gannon faggot and figuring out ways to make Cheney's pace maker indestructible....Where's a bunch of bullets and high powered hand guns when you really need them.? That's what it's going to take to get our country back from these assholes. (insert political ranting joke here)

I loved this movie because it was so full of crap that I felt like a smelly turd after I watched it. Oh yes, I'm smelly but after sitting through this piece of crap really did feel more crappy than usual. I am giving this movie a thumb up the butt because of the rambling story as well as Jay Silver heels constantly getting the race card played on him. In one scene he goes into town to round up a posse to go out and track down the bad guys. But the neo-nazi corrupt sheriff tells the Indian to scram solely because he was from minority group.

Oh well, Good old Jay Silverheels took their money and invested in Malibu property when it was cheap and he was soon to become a multi-millionaire. .. Clayton Moore appeared as the “Masked Man“ and. made trips to open shopping centers and public events in his Lone Ranger get-up Apparently there was an argument over who had the rights to the Lone Ranger brand name.

Clayton won the lawsuit and continued appearing in costume. Although he had spent a good part of his professional life being typecast as the Lone Ranger he still enjoyed the attention and the honest relationship he had with is fans. Hi Ho Silver, AWAY !

Paul Blood Blood Bath Productions

***

Spider Baby (1964, USA)

Directed by Jack Hill

This movie is also known by such titles as Cannibal Orgy, The Maddest Story Ever Told, and The Liver Eaters. Filmed in only 12 days during 1964, this movie turned out to be Lon Chaney, Jr’s last really good movie. The movie was held up in legal limbo until 1968 when it was finally released in drive-in movie theaters and quickly faded away into obscurity. But after it appeared on home video in the early '80s and was the subject of an enthusiastic essay in the book “RE/Search: Incredibly Strange Films”, the film began to develop a potent cult following and is now regarded as a minor classic of '60s horror.

Lon Chaney, Jr. stars as Bruno, the caretaker for the last few remaining members of a branch of the Merrye family, who suffer from the Merrye Syndrome, a neurological ailment that begins to manifest itself at the age of ten, causing the brain to slowly decay and sending its victims into an alternately violent and infantile state.

Bruno takes good care of the children (played by Sid Haig, Beverly Washburn, and Jill Banner), and always reminds them that it’s “not nice to hate.” And then one day Aunt Emily and Uncle Peter (from the non-afflicted branch of the family) drop by with a lawyer and his secretary in tow, and they have only one thing on their minds – Fire Bruno, have the children committed, and steal the house and any remaining money that might be left in the estate.

But the children are determined to keep the house, and Bruno is determined to protect the children at all cost. Despite the lack of blood and gore, or any serious special effects, this is a really bizarre, creepy, and delightfully hilarious movie. The dinner scene alone is worth the price of the DVD (pay close attention to the tossed salad).

Rating = One full thumb up the butt.

Tracy (Never had a nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter,
and Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

***

Okay, so this is not a movie review. So what. Dick Dale live in concert---a brief review

At the age of 68 Dick Dale is playing some of the finest music of his career. His signature guitar howl and deep bass notes are enough to rattle the fillings in your teeth. He stands 6 foot 3 and when he starts really getting into it, it seems as if you have transcended into a dimension of sound and thunder as majestic as the Taj Mahal.

Song after song it just got better and better. He did all if not most of his old material as well as a couple of new songs but wait ! To my surprise Dick played an outstanding version of Link Wray's "Rumble"... Dick also played a good long show being just a few minutes shy of 2 hours. If Dick Dale ever plays anywhere close to where you are drop everything and get your ass over to see him play. You won't be sorry.

Paul Blood Blood Bath Productions

***

Pink Flamingos (1972, USA)

Directed by John Waters

This was John Waters’ third feature film, and the first one he made in color. It was shot on a budget of only $12,000 and grossed over $10 million. This is also the movie that earned him his reputation, and make no mistake; he really raised the bar on this one folks. Oh sure, you may have heard the stories, and you may have seen brief film clips, but nothing can really prepare you for watching this movie for the first time.

Even though this movie was released way back in 1972, it still holds its own as far as being what is probably the most tasteless, perverted, bizarre, and yet still surprisingly funny movie ever made. Those of you who know me know that I’m not an easily offended person, but after watching this movie I was speechless, and it’s now been two weeks since I watched it and only now am I able to even attempt to describe this movie.

Don’t get me wrong… I actually enjoyed watching this movie, although there were scenes that nearly drove me to run screaming from the room. I will admit though, the scene where they eat the police was pretty damn funny. Okay, so what’s the big deal? What’s it all about? Well to start with it stars Divine (AKA Harris Glenn Milstead, who died in 1988 at the age of 42), who plays the part of Babs Johnson. Babs claims to be “The filthiest person alive”, and she doesn’t take her title lightly.

Babs lives in a trailer outside of Baltimore with her son, Crackers; her traveling companion, Cotton; and her mother – a very strange, overweight woman who spends all day and night sitting in a playpen and has an unusual fixation about eggs. During the course of all the usual strange things they do everyday, along come Connie and Raymond Marble, a well to do couple with equally odd habits who are determined to take away Babs’ title as “The filthiest person alive”.

Babs of course does not back down from anyone who threatens her title. What follows are endless scenes of some of the most bizarre behavior ever recorded on film. Those of you who are easily shocked should stay far, far away from this movie. But if you’re really in the mood to challenge yourself then this movie has it all. You name it, it’s in this movie… homoerotica, bestiality, murder, rape, cannibalism, sexual perversions of every kind, the most unlikely person you would ever want to invite to a party to show off their “Stupid Human Trick”, and if you can make it all the way to the end of the movie you’ll be treated to the infamous coprophagia scene. If you don’t know what coprophagia is, you’ll find out at the end of the movie.

It would be so easy for me to just say “this is the worst movie I’ve ever seen”, but considering what a landmark cult classic this movie has become, and the fact that John Waters has spent the rest of his life trying to top it, and I’m not sure that he ever will, I have to give this movie the credit it truly deserves.

Rating = One full thumb up the butt – which oddly enough is one of the very few things you will not see in this movie.

Tracy (Never had a nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter,
and Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

***

Pink Flamingos (1972, USA)

Directed by John Waters

What can I say??? After the film finished my DVD player went on the blink. It just couldn't take it. And neither could I. If you can avoid this faggott monster of a film do so at all costs. This movie was just plain improper in every way know to man and animal alike. One of the vomit inducing scenes shows a male contortionist who can open his asshole and shoot out the inside of his rectum (nearly killed him).

The star of the movie, Devine, rekindled my childhood fear of circus clowns. And then for good measure at the end of this loser Devine eats fresh dog shit with his fingers. No knife and fork here. Not even a spoon. This movie is a cult classic. I never knew there were that many people out there with such bad taste that would pay to see this film. But they're out there as the box office doesn’t lie.

After this film I have been turned off about anything that has to do with the digestive system.. So I'll leave my thumb out of my but and warn all of you with any class or manners not to go see this film. However if you’re a sick, boogar flicking, belching bald guy than this movie is just what the doctor ordered.

Paul Blood Blood Bath Productions
666 Sewer Plant Lane Portland, OR

***

Gee Paul, I thought you enjoyed Divine’s performance in Lust In The Dust.

Tracy (Never had a nickname) McCall
Head Writer, Singer, Songwriter,
and Attorney at Log
Paulie Family Productions

The Paulie Family

2006-02-14T19:44:00.000-08:00

The Paulie Family
Calling from outer space. Hello, hello??! Tracy. Somebody snatched the tour bus ! (with your boogar collection in the glove compartment) And that damn jail door lock jammed again! Get us outta here !